K.B.
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My Mom has Alzheimer's and lives in the house my parents bought 40+ years ago. Problem is my Dad has been her primary caregiver and now he is in the hospital with no release date in sight. She is not on any medication and my Dad is opposed to giving her any. My sister and I have been taking care of her but nothing we do is right. I know it's all part of this horrible disease but we are under a great amount of stress and she just adds to it. She is very argumentative, negative and no matter what we try to do it is never right. I feel horrible and was raised not to talk back to my parents but I find myself being pushed to my limits and end up yelling at her. I have 2 children that are a great distration but even then nothing I do is right or how I'm raising them. My 2 year old has a eating problem (she will literally eat so much food she will throw up) so when I ask my Mom to stop giving her food she will become so hostile and condesending and make comments that I don't know what I'm talking about. . . I left there this morning shaking and crying. She can't be left alone for very long so I know I have to go back this afternoon and check on her -- I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a wreck.
Thank you to all the wonderful advice and support given to me. My Dad was released from the hospital and has decided not to make any changes to their living arrangement (my sister and I were encouraging him to move to an independent facility that offered both of them the care they needed). A lot of you suggested the website a place for Mom, which we have actually used and visited some of their recommendations about a month ago. It was nice to know and get recommendations for that website and that it had helped so many of you. Again, thank you for all the support and encouraging words. I think that more than anything was what I needed.
Hi A.,
I had a mother who was sick and was living with me and my family. The stress was overwhelming. I found a place that helped me called A Place For Mom. I spoke to a woman named Gail Barrick who was wonderful in helping me understand other options are out there and that I shouldn't have to shoulder all the responsibility myself. I would call her and explain your situation to see what she can do to help. It is a non-profit organization so don't worry about any costs associated with it. They are there to help you find other options for your mother and be a friend. It's a very disturbing disease, Alzheimer's, and it only gets more difficult as it progresses. I hope you and your sister can find the help you need.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Eldercare Advisor – A Place for Mom
Telephone: Toll Free 1-866-333-0958
E-mail: ____@____.com
www.aplaceformom.com
Dear A.,
I feel for you. My mom had Alzheimers but fortunately her personality never changed. The critical and argumentative personality is often part of Alzheimers. I would do a couple of things:
1) If your Dad is in the hospital, I'd check with your Mom's doctor and see if you have the authority to ask for medication for your mother. I'm not sure medication would work, but you could try.
2) Find an Alzheimers caregivers support group for you and your sister. Go!
3) Do your parents have long-term care insurance? If so, now is the time to use it. Contact them and find out about getting an aide to come in on a daily basis.
4) If your parents don't have long term care insurance, find a social worker who specializes in aging--through your hospital or doctor, and find an aide through her/him. You and your sister need someone to take over some of your mother's care.
This is a terribly difficult situation, and I wish I could say something comforting, but there isn't much, except to try to remember her as she was.
E.
There are many support groups out there, maybe you can find one that can help you deal with this. Try to remember that your mom may not remember things like not to feed your daughter too much. I gentle "Mom, Jen has an eating problem, we need to watch how much she eats." Might help. Also, contact your parents insurance company, maybe there is a resource you can use through them. I can't imagine what you are going through. =( Try to remember the person she was, not the person she is now.
I amso sorry to hear about your challenging time. If money is OK, I would recommend a part time nurse to care for your Mom. MY Mom hired a GREAT younger nurse that takes care of my grandparents a few days a week for a few hours in the morning. She gets them up, bathes them, does light house work and she is wonderful. It gives my Mom a break so she can be ready for whatever she is going to walk into, and it seems easier on everyone, my grandparenst included. She is not that expensive at all and she is wlling to do part time, which is hard to find. Let me know if you want her information. Otherwise you will be completely burnt out and resentful even though you know it's not your Mom's fault. Good luck..
I am so sorry. I don't have any advise for you but just wanted to say that i am sorry and i hope you are able to find the help that you need.
A.
A.,
I know all about how hard it can be - my MOL had Alzheimers. I suggest you contact a local agency that can get you someone who can check in on her or, perhaps, stay with her. Someone who is trained to deal with her situation will not take things personally and will give you some peace of mind.
Good luck and God bless,
J.
Family Caregiver Alliance & Alzheimer's Association are both excellent resources. Their websites www.caregiver.org and www.alz.org have great information, but you can also become a client of their program for free, and they can provide you with excellent counseling, support and workshops to help you and your family through this challenging time. Best of luck to you!
First thing I would do is PRAY...PRAY...PRAY. Ask him to give you patience, guidance, understanding and knowledge. After all, the lord doesn't give us what we can't handle. Just think of the many times while you were growing up how maybe your mom may have been frustrated with you because you might have been insubordinate. As far as the medication is concerned I would seek medical advice from her doctor and weigh out the options that you and your sister have with decisions about possibly giving her medication. When our parents start the aging process and develop illnesses which we cannot control sometimes we have to go against wishes in order to take care of situations. Life does not come with an instruction booklet and as long you and your sister have your parents best interest inheart things will turn out the way they are supposed to. So don't give up!!! I know it can be stressful however maybe you should look into some type of support group to help soothe your stress and help you along the way. In the meantime you and your sister should shre the care responsibilities and be there for one another. I hope all turns out well for you and take care and God Bless
