Need Someone to Talk To. (Encouraging Words Anyone?)

I'm very sorry. Perhaps she does feel like she is raising your child right now. If people ask, I would simply say to them, "I am on bedrest having a very difficult pregnancy and she is helping take care of him."

The majority of people will understand that, and if they don't then they aren't worth worrying over.

If she is living with your mother in law, then don't send your son over there anymore. Do whatever you can to keep your family intact.

Maybe your mother in law can come over some days to help, maybe you can hire a nanny for a short while to come over to your home and watch him for several hours a day, maybe you have some friends that can rotate watching him, or put him in a preschool for a while. Do whatever you can and rotate between people if you need too.

Just calmly remind your husband that her lies have no basis and you aren't sure what her motivation is, but you think she is endangering the closeness your family once had and really feel you all need to distance yourselves from her at this time. She is nitpicking minor things and blasting them way out of proportion. She is expecting perfect behavior from a child with a sickness. Remind your husband that you are having a difficult time in your pregnancy right now, and things will pass and return to normal soon, and that that he needs to remember who you really are.

It would be best if he just stayed out of it altogether, and not even entertain her by listening.

Your post made me fume. I don't know how you've put up with it as long as you have.

Maybe it's time to disconnect that little filter most people have that's between their brains and their mouths. Comments like "Well, if you want your clothes folded the way your mother did them then you can either do them yourself or go live with your mother." and "Fine if you don't like they way I cook then you make your own meals."

You are on bed rest for a reason, you aren't doing this because it's fun. You're doctor is trying to make sure your child is actually born. If the people in your life make things hard on you do not be afraid to remind them of the risk you and your child are in. Stress is not helping.

Good luck!

For starters, I would have a calm conversation with your husband when there isn't immediate drama. He married you and knows how you really are. Remind him of that. I would just tell him while you appreciate his sister's help, you're worried about the comments she's making and that it's creating an unhealthy and unhappy environment for you and your son right now.

Also, talk to the doctors and therapists helping with your son's autism. Do they know of any resources that can help you right now while you're on bedrest? There may be volunteer groups and child care centers familiar with autism that can care for your son during this time.

I also have a child with special needs (ADHD/OCD/depression) and know how easy it is for others to criticize. They simply don't understand the condition on any level and have very unrealistic expectations, expecting traditional parenting to do the trick. Hang in there and stick to your guns. You're the mom and you know what's right.

Best of luck to you!

Hi S., I looked over your previous posts, and good heavens, you really DO have a LOT on your plate.
Here's some help!

1.) I always like your answers to other moms questions!
2.) You are very kind to be allowing your SIL to be staying with you (even though she may (or may not) be helping you while your pregnant).
3.) You are to be commended for acknowledging your sons diagnosis, and for taking steps to work with the help available to you so that he can have the best life possible.
4.) You are to be applauded for trying very hard to adhere to your 'bed rest' advice thereby helping your next child too have the healtiest start to life.
5.) YOU sound astonishingly mentally healthy considering your past posts, and your physical health as well. You are taking good care of YOURSELF as well so as to be a better wife, Mom, woman, etc.
6.) I personally feel you WILL in fact get through this wildly challenging time, and that you and your husband will soon be able to take a breath and discuss many if not ALL of your current issues.
7.) Your SIL will not ALWAYS be there, and when you are stronger (not pregnant) you will also be able to address and recitfy that relationship as well.
8.) I think you have great inner strength and will pull yourself and your family through these difficult days (really).
9.) My only advice, keep reminding yourself 'this too shall pass, this too shall pass...'

Hope this helps, as you've certainly helped many other moms on this site!
Have a great day!

S.,
I have two words of advice for dealing with your free-loading SIL: IGNORE HER!

Seriously, doesn't it seem sometimes that no good deed goes unpunished? You are generously allowing her to stay at your home and THIS is the way she disrespects you?

I'm sorry, but once your off bed rest, I'd kick her to the curb.

Don't let small people who have to tear others down to build themselves up get to you. And, apparently, she's the leader of the pack.

I'd have them sit down in the same room with you, have a friend be there with you just to listen to the conversation and spill your guts!

Tell them, "I realize I'm a bit on the hormonal and stressed side, but please listen and don't interrupt...." and go on to say everything that is on your mind. But keep in mind that they'll make it out to be an exaggeration (sp?) in your 'hormonal' head. Stay calm, but remain direct and firm. Also, explain that it hurts your feelings. Maybe they are feeling stressed too which makes them feel crazy and push their stress onto the one that shouldn't be stressed at all. : )

I think you have to consider yourself and your son first. Focus all your attention on finding resources in the community to help with autistic children or their families or any support for mother's on bed rest or the like. Next find a parent's support group and see if your husband will go. Maybe he will maybe he won't but it won't hurt to ask. Just tell him that you would like to go, but can't, and maybe he could go and take some notes for you. Act as if you need help...because you do! You need to feel some empowerment about what you are going through...even online support would be better than none. Support from other families with autistic kids because no one else can understand what you go through to take care of your child.

Once you get that going you can turn your attention to your husband. It won't work if you and he are already in the middle of a confrontation though, it needs to be when nothing is going on. Just talk to him. Remind him that you love him and your son and that you look forward to the day you can be up and around and your old self again. (not that there is anything wrong with you!) Then tell him in as nice a way as possible that you need his support. You can't get emotional though, men can be really confused by tears and such, just be straight about things.

Once you feel you have done everything you can to get your husband to see the situation for what it is, then you can start worrying about what to do next...like move out. I would let that be a last resort. Your stressed, he's stressed, your SIL is not helping, you have a special needs child...you need help. I don't want to come across as preachy so don't take this the wrong way...but maybe even your local church could help, even if you aren't a member there are lots of outreach things. You need people to come in and be around, people that can see you as the lady of the house and listen to you and help you. Whatever you choose to do please try and find some support.

I do wish you the very best, and I know you will have a ton of great tips from the moms around here. Please take good care of yourself.

find someone else to help you with your son...if you have to hire a nanny/maid that can do all the cooking and cleaning for you while you're on bed rest..i agree with you 100% your sil has no right to imply on your husband but at the same time, she's going to talk to HIM because that's her brother. Pull hubby aside and talk to him about this issue, if he truly loves his family, he'll know that it's YOU he has to sleep by at night YOU that is the mother of his home YOU that he married and YOU that makes the calls beside him as a TEAM.

my inlaws have done close to the same things with my hubby, THANK GOD we are on the same page as each other and will soon distance ourselve's from the problems until everyone learns it's OUR home WE make the calls with our kids, home, pets, etc..no one else

Why do we have to fight so hard to get other people in our lives to step up when we simply can no longer DO everything for them? I am also fuming that you are going through such a hard time at the hands of your "loved ones." Must you remind them that you and your husband's child is at risk here? I mean who is more important to him? I guess you do, so REMIND THEM!!!! Then take your sweet self to bed.

You cannot, and should not have to deal with your SIL for another year. Talk to your husband and tell him you've had enough. You need your house back and you will find other help for your son.

This is your husband's sister. Yes?
They've known one another for a long long time.
Have you been able to have any conversations w/your husband
that are not stressed and confrontational?
Is your SIL there ALL the time?
When she's not there, can you have any quality time w/your DH and son?
Does your son attend any classes or therapy to help him work with his autism? Has he been evaluated by the school district or elsewhere?

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