Need Some Advise on My Mother in Law

wow...E., first of all, congratulations on the birth of your new son! this is a tough one because it is important that you and your husband are on the same page, but when it comes to the mother-in-law, it can be tricky. has your husband heard from the doctor about a baby's needs at that young age? maybe you can compromise with him, and tell him that because your son is so young, (and say you feel bad that he isn't getting the individual attention he should because he's in day care, that his mom has to split her time between so many other kids), that for now your mom should care for him until he's a bit older...remind him that in day care, lost of kids get sick more often, and at his age, with winter right around the corner, he'll be at risk of rsv, etc...whatever he feels about his mom's tecniques, he can't argue that being at home with one caring grandparent isn't better than being in a crib in a day care all day long...of course he's crying. how often is he held? that is really young to be there...i know lots of people don't have a choice, and frankly, i think the only reason a baby so young should be in day care that young is because they absolutely have to be, but in your case, if your mom is willing to take it on, even for a while until he is bigger, crawling, or too much to handle, he will be in much better hands with her. if he absolutely won't agree to that, how about splitting the week? two days at day care, three with your mom? is there another room at the center for him to be in that there are other caregivers other than your mother in law? maybe she is too emotionally attatched to him to be objective? good luck to you! i'd love to know how it turns out.

Wow when I read your post I expected to read that he was 18 months or older. When I read 6 weeks I just about fell out of my chair at work. 6 weeks is entirely too young to just let a baby cry! Good for you for calling your ped., that was a great call on your part. Crying is how babies communicate with us. If they are crying they need or want something, whether it is to eat, to be changed, to be help or comforted, they are tired or bored, they don't feel well, there are so many things they tell us by crying. To ignore that communication teaches your child that you aren't listening.
As a first time mom, it is so easy for us to doubt what we are doing for our child, but the best advice I can give you is to go with your gut. If you feel uncomfotable with him going to Grandma's everyday all then don't let him go. I think you came up with a great compromise to split the time between the grandparents, that will help your husband to see how other poeple interact with your son. Give it a few days, if there is no improvement in the mother-in-law department, now you have other options with your mom close by. Good luck and remember that you know what is best for your son no matter how many children someone has raised or taken care of, a mother's insticts are stronger then anyone else's experiences. Not everychild will behave or react the same way in every situation, so make sure you follow your feelings. And by the way, your son is in no way rotten for crying all day. Good luck!

A.

I have to agree with everyone else. How dare she say a 6 week old is rotten and let him cry?! It seems to me like he is not getting the attention he needs or deserves at her house and I would not hesitate to stop taking him to her immediately-esecially if he is not a fussy baby when he is around you and your husband. I also agree that maybe your husband needs to experience the crying and see how he handles it(I seriously doubt he will just let him cry). As mothers, it breaks our hearts to hear our kids cry for any reason at any age. I can't believe that as a grandmother, she is not bonding more and already getting frustrated.

How many kids are in her daycare? What are their ages? If your son is the only baby there and the others are toddlers or older, he probably is being left while she is taking care of the older kids, and infants require more attention than that. I am a firm believer in infants being around other infants in daycare(in-home or otherwise). Kids that can walk and talk will take her attention too often and it is unfortunately probably too easy for her to leave him lying down or in a swing while she attends to the the older kids.

ALWAYS do what is in your heart when it comes to your son. The relationship with your MIL will probably be tough for awhile, but you are still family and eventually it should get better. You son is more important(and so is your piece of mind -especially with you dealing with PPD right now).

Stay strong and do what you feel is right. Good luck!

This is your baby and I do not care how many books out are there are raising kids you are the best one for your baby. Your mother in law might be well intended but you should go with what you think is right for you and the baby. Stay calm explain your reasons and leave your baby with your mother instead Good luck

Trust your instincts, Mom. Six weeks is a bit young to be letting him "cry it out." Her comment about him being "rotten" was a bit over the top. He's just an infant. Be kind, but be firm with your mother in law. This is your child, not hers, and she should have more respect for that.

I was in shock after I read your post. I dont understand why MIL is letting her grandbaby cry it out at 6weeks old! And she talks bad about him. Unbelivable. As you know you son needs to be loved at his age and needs to trust others in his time of needs and your MIL is not doing that. Sounds like she is treating your son like another day care kid and not her grandson. It does not help that you do not have the support of your husband. IF I were in your shoes, I would ask your mom for help and to watch your son wheil you are at work. You want someone you can trust with your son that will be there for him and not ignore him. You also do not need this added stress in your life when your trying to get back to working. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Hi,
If it were me I would not leave my child with anyone (family or not) who ignores him and lets him cry at any age. He is only 6 weeks old. He should be held and comforted when he cries, especially when he's that young. Even if that means someone has to carry him around in a baby sling or other baby carrier. You are his mother and you need to feel comfortable with the care he is getting while you are at work. You should see if you can extend your maternity leave.
I hope things get better for you soon!
C.

A six week old just can't be rotten. They need to be held and loved, not ignored. I'd get him out of there and to a place where you feel like he's being taken care of the way you would. Otherwise your work day will be just miserable because you will always be worried about him.

This made me furious! You tell your husband to sit in a room with your son and let him cry for 30 mins and not do anything. He'll change his tune quickly!
Tell your mother inlaw that you still like her but you don't agree with the way she is taking care of your son so you are moving him out of her daycare. You don't have to tell her your mom is taking care of him. She can find out whenever she talks to your husband.
I know you aren't feeling like yourself with the PPD but stand your ground and be strong girl! Don't let her or your husband dictate your feelings. If your husband gives you a hard time you tell him to call the ped. and talk about it.
Good Luck and be strong!

I agree with what everyone else told you. You need to listen to your heart and if your are not comfortable with him being at your mother in-laws and your mom is will to care for him then that should be no discussion you know what he need and your his mom so you stand up for him and move him to your moms. Don't worry about the depression it happens to a lot of moms but you knew enough to see some one and get some help so your goingto be just fine.

I agree with amber I thought you were talking about an 18 month old at first. NEVER EVER let an infant under a year old CRY it out. their only way to comnuicate with us is to cry if his needs arent being met he won't trust you to full fill his needs , the more you let him cry as an infant the more you'll have to carry him around later cause he will be insecure. GET HIM out of that situation your MIL is wrong and should not be let take care of him at all. This women sounds like she's from raising babies in a cave time. If she cant follow how YOU want him to be raised then dont let her raise him. Dad is prob just going along to not make his mom mad, and Men do NOT have parenting instincts they have to be taught. Go with YOUR insticts not what he and his mother are saying.

And if you dont have to work then don't.

Listen to your momma voice and move the baby over to someone that will care for it. Crying at 6 wks old that lady must not really know about babies. Yes they cry because they need something and yes they sometimes want held they need human contact to develop correctly, period. I don't know if you can change your mother in law and if anything is to be said I'd just let my husband do it you need to take care of you and the baby. Your parents are willing to watch the baby??? Great!!! go for it don't worry about your mother in law life is too short, you and they baby will be going to have many changes this 1st yr of life it really takes a year for your body to heal after birth and they baby will be growing leaps and bounds this 1st yr.
Do not let anyone make this situation more difficult then it has to be so don't worry about mother in law you have enough on your plate with waking up for the baby at night, working, ppd, rest, healing, the whole 9 yards. Do not take on more then you feel you are up to doing either if you don't know how to say No on things learn now, feel no guilt.
If I had parents when my kids where born and they'd babysit and I'd know my child was safe with them I'd go for it....
My prayers will be with you take care of you and the baby you two are 1st....

You need to do what you feel is right. My baby was just a tad older when I went back to work and I felt very comfortable and never had trouble. I wish you the same fortune. Do whatever you need to do for you and your baby. Everyone else said it: trust YOUR instincts.

I hope by the time I write this post you have made the decision to either have your mom take your son while you work, or to use a daycare that specifically cares for younger kids. Again not sure what your financial situation is, but your mom can provide the one on one attention that your son needs at this early age. As for your MIL, fix this situation quick if you have not done so. The longer you leave it, the worse it may get for your relationship with her, and possibly your relationship with your hubby!! As others have noted, explain to hubby that your little one needs the one on one attnetion that his mother cannot provide at her center. Have him talk to your son's doctor, if your explanation of this does not work. Most importantly do this for your sanity. Going back to work, with such a young child is always difficult in itself, the added pressure of the situation with your MIL is not helping you at all!! Good luck

This is an easy one. I had the same problem when I was with my ex and I told his moma and I told his mom that this is my child. You need to stand your ground. His mother got worse and worse until I did that.

E., think about it this way: if this was just a daycare, not run by anyone you were personally related to or knew, would you allow them to treat your child this way? Like the other ladies have said: listen to your gut--you know your MIL is not doing the right thing, and in time that bridge will mend. But for right now, place your baby in the care of someone who shares your same parenting style. You'll feel better and so will baby! Good Luck!

E....Please,Please do not let anyone tell you that you are holding your son to much...Not possible...I say this because I have 4 of my own, 3 sons 27,22,20 and a daughter who just turned 5....I promise you that between the age of 18 -24 months you son will no longer want to be held all the time,possibly even younger than that. Our babies are only babies a very short time,hold them ,love them and and just let everything else slide...I promise you will never regret being a good mother. You will however regret if you allow someone else to tell you what is good for you and your son. I completely understand your Mother in Laws theory about disruption with bringing your son in at 10,this is probably true...but it is still your choice,just as it would be if you used any other daycare. Also if she gets to the point where she insist, then this may be a sign you definitely want to have your Mother watch your son. I would definitely tell you this,if you allow your mother in law to control the situation,she will and she will continue to do so in other areas of your life...this I can attest to by personal experience.
Also in my opinion a 6 week old baby does not need to just cry it out,if he is crying a awful lot,he may have colic...in any case he needs to be comforted when crying. Hope you can work this out with your hubby,because he,you and your baby are the only people who need to be involved in the decision.

so, you can also point out to you husband that if your child is not held enough during the time that you are at work...he will get a flat head. Okay so that may or may not happen, but you can point out that your parents have the time during the day to hold him. They can do tummy time as he gets more neck strength. A lot of daycares will not take ones quite that little, and most have a 1-2 or 1-3 ratio. I wonder how many kids you MIL has at a time. The bottom line is that you can NOT spoil a baby this young. The time to let them cry it out is when you are ready to help them sleep through the night, and you are not quite there yet. Even then most books will tell you that you start with a few minutes of crying when they wake up before morning to see if they can self sooth, and raise it as they get older.

Tell your husband that you will not be returning to work until YOU are comfortable with the arrangments you have made for your baby.

I think your mother in law is acting rude and insensitive! I have a friend who has watched my son a bit and never fails in calling him a brat and rotten. Its not acceptable. Do what's right for you! I would let your mom watch him!

ALWAYS follow your instincts when it comes to your kids and, as the parent, YOU get to call the shots and don't let anyone, including your husband, make you feel bad about it!! If I were you, I'd let my mom keep the baby full time and then reevaluate the possibility of giving your MIL another shot later IF, and only IF, she can see the error of her ways. It might help to explain to her that parenting practices have changed over the years (maybe buy her a recent parenting book that mirrors your beliefs)--you would be helping her to be a better daycare provider for the other children she keeps as well. But don't worry about hurt fellings/keeping the peace etc where your son is concerned--HE is who is most important! Ugghh--mothers in law--what's a gal to do?

1) Do what is best for your child and make that the center of every conversation and decision.
2) Do research and share information with your husband on appropriate, loving, nurturing childrearing so that your decisions are based on that, rather than family politics.
3) Trust your instincts, as many others advised.
4) One thing that can be effective with your husband is if you say very gently and sincerely that since you can't be there to mother your son daily, that you would like the baby to be with the person you feel will mother him most like you would. In this way you are not criticizing his mother or questioning her childrearing abilities. (Since she raised him, criticizing her could feel like an insult not just of her but of him! You may want to reassure him that she did a wonderful job raising HIM!)
3) Finally, I personally would not spend much thought or energy worrying about your MIL's feelings when removing the baby from her care after she called a 6-week-old "rotten."
Good luck!

Hi E.,

I see that you have gotten a lot of advise and since I haven't read them all I may be redundant...but...here are my two cents anyways...

First, I was completely SHOCKED to read that a person that makes her leaving caring for children and that on top of it is his grandmother, may even suggest that a 6 WEEKS OLD BABY, is being spoiled and his cry should be ignored!! I am sorry, but this is the time your precious baby is learning to trust, and needs so much love and nurturing, think about it, and SHE shoudld too, unly 6 weeks ago, your baby was inside your womb, warm, protected, cuddled and totally safe, now he is let out crying and alone...He is going to grow up so fast, and there is no harm in holding a baby, crying is a his only way to comunicate his needs. I have 4 boys and beleive me they were held plenty, and they are just fine.

Look E., you need to do what is best for your son, even if is not popular, your MIL may get upset, but at the end of the day is his well being what goes first, not her ego. She probably got stocked in the 70' way of thinking in regards chid rearing, "phsicologyst" beleived that babys didn't need to be held and that letting them cry was actually a character builder tool.

If your mother is willing to care for him then you should just take him there, remember,you are your child's number one advocate, so stand on your ground on this one. Your MIL should accept it after all she loves him very much I am sure, so pride should not be put over respect to your decisions and love for his grandson.

Be strong and take care of yourself, taking care of this situation will help you a lot with your PPD.

All the best!
A.

It's one thing to let a two year old cry it out it's completely different if the baby is only six weeks old. If your mother in law is too busy care for him properly let your mom care for him. Also your mother in law needs to respect your wishes you are the mother not her, your husband needs to understand that also.

I am also the mother of one child. My pediatrician also told me that there is no reason to let a six week old cry without trying to comfort it. In fact, she told me that infants dont use crying as manipulation (spoiling)until they are around 8 months or older.My daughter is 17 months now and she is well adjusted. If I were you I would do what I thought was in the best interest of my child. In order to keep a happy household, I would blame it on the pediatrician and your parent's ability to give the baby one on one care.

I hope you aren't paying for this care. Your son isn't being rotten, he is being 6 weeks old. Personally, I have never bought into the "don't pick them up, you will spoil them" line. It just doesn't happen...well, that or my 3 are just the rare exception, and I doubt that. Frankly, at this young of an age, he is building trust with you. When he cries, he needs something, and that something might just be to be held. He has only been out of the womb for 6 weeks where his needs were constantly met, and he was warm and cradled constantly.

I don't know what your financial needs are as far as working and paying for child care, but if your mother parents more like you, and is willing to keep your son, I would say do that. If you are able to give it a little more time at home, then you may want to consider doing that as well. As someone who has used daycare, and has also stayed home, I can tell you the most important thing is for you to find someone who will take care of your child in a way that YOU feel comfortable with. You have mommy instincts for a reason, and the best advice I have ever gotten was to use those. It has served me well, and I think it will you too.

Hugs!

Bottom line -your relatives and in-laws need to be respectful of the way you and your husband want to raise your children. Things are much different in some ways than they were when we were being raised (different philosophies, views, etc.). This is YOUR child, and if she doesn't want to treat him in the manner you want him treated, then I would leave him with your mother as soon as possible. In a VERY nice way and in a nice tone, I would just explain that even though you know there is the whole school of "crying it out" and a lot of different methods of raising children, you've decided that at least right now, you don't want to do that, so you're going leave him with your mom for the time being. You're not saying she can't see the child or be a grandmother to him, but I wouldn't leave a 6 week old with someone who just let him cry either -no matter who it was. If you're having depression issues, the last thing you need is more anxiety and stress right now.