Need Some Advise - Los Angeles,CA

Hi D.. I think I would be majorly bothered if it were me in your position. My husband once said that when a guy moves on, he doesn't go back, let alone communicate like that on a regular basis. I would talk to him about how you feel on the lies you've caught him on. Dishonesty is not good in any relationship. My husband is friends with most of his ex-girlfriends (on FB), but I'm part of the package. I'm also friends with them. In fact, they communicate with me more and we're friends now also. In other words, I'm in the picture because I'm his wife! You guys need to talk.

I do think it's bad news and, it sounds like he's reliving some fond memories.

BUT- I think the best thing to do about it is nothing. Marriage is a long road. People think about other things. It happens. they're human. But it doesn't mean that they are going to ever act on it.

If you react really badly it could push them away and cause a problem where there never would have been one.

So I know it's hard, but if I were you I would just know what you know and leave it alone. Give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he would never act on it. If he's just having fond thoughts, so be it. We have all probably been guilty of it and it doesn't mean we want something other than our spouses.

HI D., This is a tuffy. You don't want to push him away I agree, but you don't want this to go on much longer. I had something similar but just a little worse happen to me at the begining of my mariage. (for give the bad spelling it's late and I'm tired) If he is lying to you, that is a _bad sign. YOu need to nip that in the bud because even though she is in europe, things happen online now. I don't mean to be pushing your buttons, but you have to look out for yourself, and if he is being dishonest that means trouble. The 3 main keys to any relationship are, honesty, communication and trust. If he isn't honest during your communication, how can you trust him. You know what the picture he sent was and you know whether or not it is ok, but lying is what wories me bout your situation. Please understand, I'm not trying to scare you, make you mad, or anything other than my being honest and telling you what I get out of your poste.
I think you need to let him know that you are really uncomfortable with this and that you want it to stop. I mean be straight quick and to the point, "When you contact her, I vfeel like you are capable of hurting me. I really need you to stop contacting her." Or something along those lines. And if he loves you then he needs to respect you as a person, his wife, and mother of his child. I would be happy to share my story with you if you'd like, but most of all remember that you are worth being respected and xs are xs for a reason. I wish you only the best.
A.
P.S. Be strong, you are worth it.

Dear D.,
Why do you think he should keep the pics of the two of them? I think you sound like a very patient and understanding wife and your husband is taking advantage of the situation.
He does not need closure with his ex. That is why she is his ex. He does not need pictures. And the lying is ridiculous. Even if it is harmless seeming now, you should not be lied to.
My husband and I have no urge to contact either of our exes, we have moved on and why would we cause that kind worry in each other. I feel like this woman is stepping on your toes by talking to your SIL and your husband should Stop talking to her. This should not be a problem for him if there is nothing there. Even if he doesn't like it, since it clearly bothers you, he should be able to do it for you. He is being a bit shady about the whole situation and it is not a normal situation. I hope it gets resolved easily. I think you are being so kind about the whole thing. I would not have been so easy-going. If your husband really respects you he will stop talking to her if you ask. How would he feel if the situation were reversed?

Europe is far away.
B. v. O.

I'm Facebook friends with several of my ex boyfriends. My DH is not only friends with his, but even has dinner with his now and again. I think it is healthy. It's a gentle way of feeling alive and interesting and vibrant. It's incentive for you be a better partner. We all play the "what if" game in our imaginations. It's just a mental exercise. Even your little jealously might be making him feel more valued. Who knows. These things are complex and nuanced. Don't drive yourself crazy with it.

The issue is he's sneaking around. No matter with who, or how or why. He is creating a distrustful relationship with you and that will cost the two of you and your family. He may want to rethink how important this friend of his is.
And you may want to draw a firm line in what is acceptable and what is not acceptable too you.
I just went through this and it very hard on the heart and soul when your husband is hiding from you.
Good luck

Hi D. – I think you saw my post and the responses about my similar situation. I was able to get some peace of mind by telling my husband very clearly - and very loudly :-) how the situation made me feel and what I needed his interactions to be in the future. We agreed on # 1- he can’t hide any interactions they have. I have access to his facebook and email accounts and he tells me when they communicate and about what. Stopping the secrecy is definitely necessary because otherwise trust between you and your husband will continue to be damaged. #2 – if they meet up, I have to be there until I’m ok with them hanging out without me. It’s a reminder that you and your husband are together, not him as a single guy – so they can’t ignore the reality of you and have a little fantasy of "what if". Maybe you and she could become friends? Unfortunately, I did not click with my husband’s ex, but seeing her revealed that she really wasn’t a threat – (not as pretty as I thought, not as interesting –things my imagination and jealousy was running away with!) I was able to see my husband interact with her and saw there was nothing romantic between them. We’ve had lots of arguments about this, but I think it’s worth hashing it out, because otherwise, it poisons your relationship. Although my husband really didn’t understand how I felt, he agreed to my requests because it was important to me. I hope you and your husband can be open and work things out. Remember, your gut instincts – not your wild imagination & jealousy - but your knowledge of your husband and your intuition are correct!

I am sure that it is no big deal ( you mentioned that she lives in Europe so I don't think they will be seeing each other). However, since this is a sore spot for you I think you should tell him how you feel. Would he mind if you were chatting with your ex's on line? Even if it is not a big deal, it is a big deal TO YOU,so he should have enough respect for you and stop the e-mails.