Need Relationship Advice - San Carlos,CA

Greetings Sandi,
I haven't even read any of the other responces but I am sure that what I am about to say is a repeat of what has already been said.
I have been with my husband since high school and until his passing recently so its 40 years. We also have 5 children. I only say this so you will know why I say what I feel.
If I ever picked up anything that had a questioning remark on it that he had been part of it would have been so sad. I can also say that if I had even played at cheating on him- would have destroyed him in a million ways.
Since you are not in High School anymore, nor a child , and are married and not just living together you have every right to check one anothers phones, computers, mail. Ofcourse you should ask about it-- how can you solve a potinal problem and avoid pain that you really don't want& that hurt that eats at you, & why would you want to. Life is way to short and life together very precious. Don't let anyting get in the way of both of your happiness. You go girl! Again, since you are married and not a school girl loose the "Oh my what if" So what if he gets mad-- it will open the lines of communication and maybe you will renew your feelings for one another in a wy you didn't expect. Good Luck, Glenda

This is a situation that could easily spoil your holidays. If you can't confide in your husband, I hope you have one, special confidant that you can share your feelings with that won't blab to the world. Try and take in the best of the holidays for you and your kids.

I sincerely hope your husband will realize that he needs to TEXT MESSAGE you when he wants to flirt. As a matter of fact, why don't you text him right now and tell him how much you love him.

I know that sounds sappy, but it just might be the opening you need.

Blessings.....

Dear Sandi,

Your husband does NOT have the right to be text messaging another woman in a flirtatious way. The fact that you feel embarrassed shows that you have a conscious. Trust works both ways or at least it should in a marriage.

I don’t know how you can be sure nothing has happened YET, but I do know some people want to be caught in the act by the curious/snoopy spouse. Why? So they don’t appear to be the bad guy completely and have a little ammunition to turn the tables.

I would not check any more messages it will only cause you more guilt combined with hurt feelings. Your husband has shown that he’s not so trustworthy. I don’t know much about text messaging, but isn’t there a bill that comes to your home that would show repeated numbers? That would be something you could easily confront him with.

What ever you do, don’t let this fester too long.

Blessings.....

Greetings

I have just read the responses to your request and they seem pretty standard. Yes, you should tell him what you found and ask him about it. You should tell him what you did, you were curious and now you are worried about becoming a snooping ninny all the time.

However, and this may be a little unconventional, flirting is completely natural and normal. You are a married woman with children but you are not dead. When an attractive guys smiles at you, tells you you look good, etc it lifts your spirits. It make you feel good for a while. In relationships it is easy to forget to flirt, but it happens out in the world, innocently enough, all the time. Your husband's flirtatious text is could be just that, completely innocent.

I like to say I would flirt with a light switch if I could get a reaction, it is in my DNA I think, my mother is a master flirter. I do it all the time without even knowing it. Never does it take away from the love or fidelity I have with my partner. He is also a very gregarious person and attracts lots of attention, he flirts in the real and virtual world often, and laughs about it. We giggle at it together.

We love each other, trust each other and have made committments to each other that allow for a little flirting because we are not dead. I have eyes, he has eyes and it is nice to appreciate the beauty around us and to be appreciated by others, it help keep us on our toes so we don't get compalcent with each other (let's face it, it is so easy to slip into pjs and no shower mode)

I've learned that worrying about the "what ifs" will drive you crazy and take so much away from what is wonderful and there with you everyday. Own up to it, let him know it hurt and why, and find out why he did it. And, having been down thispath in the past, don't snoop unless you are willing to do something with the information you find other than worry about it. Really, now that you have the inforamtion it is driving YOU crazy and he has no idea.

Best of luck

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I'm sure it is more common than we'd like to admit. My friend just went through the exact same situation and confronted her boyfriend of 4 years about it. He denied that his comments meant anything and she of course, felt embarrassed to be snooping on his laptop. Still, she is angry about it and told him so. I think you need to confront your husband and let him know that you looked at his text. Admit that you were wrong to snoop but that sending flirty messages is far worse an offense, innapropriate and a breach of loyalty. If you know the woman, I would consider popping into his office and give her a knowing glare as you place more family photos on his desk (assuming he works at an office). Hopefully she'll feel guilty enough to back off. Good luck.

Hi Sandi,
You must feel so many emotions at once!
You MUST talk to your husband. Why? You simply do not have all the information. Without all the information you will never know if your feelings of betrayal and anxiety are justified. I certainly wouldn't want to go on in my marriage with a doubting voice in my head all the time.
Yes, what you did was inappropriate. Be up front about it, admit your indiscretion fully and you will create an atmosphere of truth and trust.
What he texted to this other woman might mean nothing or it might mean a whole lot-- you just don't know.

Have you considered going to couple's therapy? It can be a wonderful healing experience. Maybe you two would benefit from some mediated heart-to-hearts. It's really worth it. My husband and I have been going since before our marriage and still go every 6 months or so just to keep things on the up and up.

I wish you best of luck and I hope you can enjoy your holidays with peace of mind and heart.

I'm coming from a different perspective than most responses except perhaps the last one. Flirting is not necessarily that big a deal. Do you know who this woman is? I'd be curious if she was a real threat (quality woman) or someone your husband never would be interested in seriously even if he wasn't married. And how flirtatious? Little things in the texts or looks like something could happen? I wouldn't be so upset. Do you have a good marriage otherwise? Is he the type to cheat? My husband has gotten emails from his ex-girlfriend at times and I've emailed w/ old boyfriends too. We don't die when we get married. Sometimes things are just for fun. The important thing is whether you think you're close enough that if one of you really was getting tempted, whether or not either of you would in a sense give the person some warning. I feel my husband would. And so would I. In the meantime, sometimes it's fun to let loose a bit. I personally wouldn't say anything, maybe try to be a bit flirtatious w/ him yourself and take a night out to have fun, and then keep monitoring once in awhile and see if anything develops. Be confident enough to not be worried by some woman who probably doesn't have enough to offer to lure your husband away from a good marriage and his children.