thank you all for your opinions. Julie R, I really appreciate your perspective. I never really thought about it from that point of view. We have gone over and spent time with her for Christmas with her husbands children. But we usually end up just sitting there talking to each other and are not really included by them, so it just makes us feel a little bit awkward. None the less, maybe we could try a little bit harder for her if that is in fact how she is feeling.
I also should probably let you all know that I did call my MIL a few days after all that happened to see if we could go to lunch. She was not interested, so I will just give her some space. I decided that I wasn't going to make a big deal about her coming over when I am not here, but she never showed up yesterday like she was supposed to and didn't call either.....so i guess we will just see what happens.
ok - so to answer a few of your questions. Yes My Mother would have to call me if she wanted to take the kids out of the house as well. And she knows that, and I have also told my MIL that. It is totally nothing against her my MIL, it is the same for everyone, I just want to know where my kids are, she is welcome to take them for Yogurt/Ice Cream any time. I even let her take them at 4:30 in the afternoon (cause I know that is what grandma's do) even though it will mess up their dinner.
When my husband came home, my MIL was having a conversation with the babysitter. He came in and set his stuff down while they were talking and didn't interrupt. And, he is not really that bubbly when he gets home anyways - Then she said Hi to him and he responded, it wasn't like he just completely ignored her I guess she just felt that he should've acknowledged her first even though she was in a conversation with someone else.
My MIL is doing Christmas at her house with her new husbands family - she is more than welcome to come for Christmas but she likes to do it at her house -
So I hope that answered everything, I can't see the posts anymore, but I think I got them all.....
I would just tell my husband to tell her that YOU want to be there and so they need to make a new plan that syncronizes.
Some people are just high maintenance..
I do not know may parents that would not want to know where their kids are especailly if they thought the kids were in their own home with a hired babysitter..
The fact that MIL was so offended tells me she thinks it is all about her..
As long as you ar polite when you ask her to call ahead or to inform you of her plans to take the kids out, I do not think she has a right to be upset. She need to remember, these are not her children., She has no idea what you all have planned moment to moment.
The other thing you will notice is since she has so much time on her hands, she has forgotten what it is like to be working and have children. She just knows that she is lonely, bored or is just clueless..
From now on, I would suggest your husband do his own apologizing to his own mother.. You can call and apologize for your behaviors..
I realized about 3 years ago.. my MIL does not see me as a relative, she sees me as "her sons wife" and "her granddaughters mother".. Totally different.. I have been married to my husband for over 30 years.. it has always been this way..
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Why don't your husband suggest that ya'll wait until you got home so you can enjoy watching the kids open their presents, etc? It will only happen if you and husband allow it. He could put it in a nice way and just say that he would really like to have you there to also enjoy in the festivities. As far as the other, maybe she's confused on what her boundaries are and it sounds like she has some insecurities about herself concerning the love b/w her and her sons. I wouldn't take it personally. Like I said, I think she's got some personal issues that need to be dealt with. But as far as the exchanging gifts while you aren't there, that's fixable. Have your husband insist that it's done when you are home. Good luck!
Well whatever the case may be.... she is UBER touchy and has not gotten over it.
So what.
Just go on with your life.
She'll get over it.
Maybe.
She sounds high maintenance.
Whether she is a MIL or not, you all just lay down your boundaries.
I HOPE she doesn't have a key to your home? Since she is allowed to come over anytime? And hopefully she calls first to ask?
Don't take her 'avoiding you' personally. Just let it be.
Its almost Christmas.
And yes, you were RIGHT, for telling the babysitter AND her... about your 'rules' for telling you ANYTIME your kids are going anywhere, without you and with them. That is only common sense. Not anything unusual. Common sense. Those are your kids.
I don't know how old your kids are... but for us, we have TAUGHT our kids... that WE are the 'parents' and that they must always, ask us first... if their Grandma/Aunty (who can be overbearing) asks them to go anywhere or if they want to give them anything. SO... our kids, KNOW, that their Mom/Dad has the last say. And my kids, do speak up to their Grandma/Aunty and WILL say "We have to ask Mommy first if it is okay..." So, in addition to telling Grandma/Aunty our rules for your kids... we have also taught our kids, SKILLS in what to say to Grandma/Aunty too. And my kids KNOW... they do not go anywhere, unless Grandma/Aunty have asked us FIRST.
all the best,
Susan
Pick your battles. I have found through my own personal experience and the experiences of my sister and two other friends that MIL's who only have sons can get a little nutty and controlling. To me, they don't seem to know how to have a relationship with their daughter in laws because they feel like it's a constant battle of who's more important to their son - the wife or the mom. I don't have time to play that game anymore, but early into my marriage I felt like you do now - worried and feeling like I was overreacting.
You did the right thing by asking her not to take your kids without asking you first. You have the right to call the shots when it comes to their whereabouts and safety. As for the Christmas gift scenario, this is her way of punishing you. I would either get over it, or simply tell your husband that her plan won't work, because you feel left out and that he needs to come up with another time to exchange when you can be there. And sometimes, if the MIL wants to avoid you, let her! You did nothing wrong. Let her have her time to pout and get over it. Guarantee it won't last forever. Good luck!
Yes, your MIL is absolutely avoiding you, and NO, this will NOT happen! You will all exchange gifts as a family or it will not happen at all. Your husband must tell her this! Period. End of story.
Regarding your MIL taking your kids out for yogurt. While it would have been ideal if either your MIL or babysitter called you and asked if it was okay, you inadvertently gave your MIL the impression that it would be fine for the sole reason that you told her she can stop by anytime unannounced. For you to have that "casual" personality (of letting your MIL stop by anytime unannounced), it kind of sets a tone about what is considered okay. Your MIL obviously thought taking them for yogurt w/o asking you was okay, otherwise she wouldn't have done it. Since she is allowed to stop by anytime unannounced, then why can't she take her grandkids out for yogurt, even if you're not home to give consent? I would never tell my inlaws (or parents) that they can come by anytime unannounced - it sends them the wrong casual message. I really think that was your mistake. Thankfully, there is a very simple way to correct that mistake, which is to change your rule. Simply tell your MIL that you are changing your rule and that from now on, she needs to call you and/or your husband and ask if it is okay to come over. If she doesn't like your new rule (which of course she won't), too bad! It is your life, your kids, your house, YOUR RULE! She can pout all she wants about it - not your problem! I would definately cut your MIL and your sitter some slack on what happened. Feel better knowing that with your new rule, something like that will never happen again.
I am much more bothered by your MIL's sneaky plan to purposely exchange xmas gifts w/o you. Very rude and uncool. Again, you will NOT let that happen! Best wishes.
Your hubby should have told her to come over but the gift exchange should be done as a family (when you are there too). Explain that you enjoy watching the kids open their presents so can she hang around until you get there?
She is being unreasonable. If I read your post, you don't care if she were to take them outside the house (playing in the yard), just if she is taking them somewhere other than your property...right? I completely agree with you.
Oh my goodness! How rude! I'd be totally upset by this, even if I were upset with my MIL and didn't want to see her, I'd be upset. This seems intentional and immature. Can your husband tell her to wait until you can be there too? At least out of courtesy? I wish you the best. Good luck and Merry Christmas!
Apologize to her.
Look at it this way:
Instruct the babysitter to phone you for permission before your kids leave the house. She can say "Let me call mommy to make sure it's OK if you get ice cream today." Problem solved.
AND it was kind of rude for your husband to say nothing when she greeted him when he got home from work. That's between them.
As for the gift exchange--chalk it up to a busy holiday schedule.
I agree that wanting to exchange gifts while you are at work is an avoidance and not terribly mature on her part. And I think it's reasonable that she call before taking the kids off the property, if for nothing else, the confusion that it causes for the babysitter. And I understand your husband's actions when he came home and I think she's taking it way too personal. But I'm chipping in here late because I noticed that you said she is doing Christmas at her house with her new husband's family and suddenly I felt some empathy for her. My husband and I married after the kids were grown and I swear it might be harder to blend a family of adults than it is to blend the Brady bunch. Is there any possibility that this is the underlying tension? I do two Christmas's every year - one for my family, one for his family. It's like I'm living in two parallel worlds and I hate it. And I feel so isolated from my family when I'm with his family. So I'm just throwing this out there as possible perspective for what's eating at her right now. If your relationship with her has been good, I'd just go over and talk to her. I think that would mean a lot.
Hi there-
I've read many of the wonderful responses and there's plenty of good advice about the MIL (especially Dawn B and Laurie A). I just wanted to add that perhaps you can train your kids proactively to tell you. The Cat in the Hat always insists that the kids ask their Mom before any adventure. Even ones as young as my 4-yo can be expected to do this, and I bet it will lay brilliant groundwork for teenage years.
I tend to be the one buffering my fiery husband from my high maintenance MIL, and it always results in her doing a power play behind my back. It might be a catch-22, darned if you do darned if you don't. With two boys, I hope dearly that I'm an ok MIL.
Happy Holidays & Best Regards!
some random thoughts...
your husband WAS rude if he walked in and did not say hi to his own mother. Not even debatable in the least-sorry. Needing 15 minutes to decompress is a very lame excuse for rudeness. He should have said at least hi and then if you don't mind I need to lie down for a second.
just wondering how you would feel if your own mother came and took the kids for ice cream while you weren't there. Would you be as upset about it?
I do find it odd that she doesn't want to exchange with you home. What is she doing for Christmas-did anyone invite her?
If this is a NEW thing and you normally get along, then you have done your best. Maybe she's going through a strange time and things will normalize soon. I hope.
If not - don't keep trying to communicate. It needs to be her son telling her what's what - including having holiday events when you can be there!
Heck, she can avoid you if she wants to, she has that right. She does NOT have the right to exclude you from your children's Christmas experiences in your own home, nor does she get to decide when they open their presents. Gifts come from lots of people at Christmas---they go under the tree. I'd say, "Thanks for dropping the kids' gifts off. They will be opening them Christmas morning. If you'd like to watch them open them, you can keep them at your house, or we can put them away here, until whenever we can get together after Christmas.Thanksagain Loveyoubye."
