Need on Opinion on Cancelled Christmas Dinner

I live with someone who has severe depression. He can take a dive at anytime, without warning, and there are times when I have had to cancel at the last minute. There is a serious reason behind her cancelling and the rest of the family not joining you on Christmas Day.

Take this opportunity to be thankful it is not you having to cancel two families' Christmas plans because of some sort of illness or crisis. I am positive they all would have rathered have a beautiful family day as planned.

I think if someone has the "flu"?
I'm not going NEAR their house or anyone in it.

You can't schedule illness. Sick is sick.

I'm sorry that happened. That's got to be tough, especially with all the preparations going into it. I think you are over-reacting. Probably not the answer you are looking for, but that's my call.

It would be hard for me to judge as I don't know the whole story or what happened. Maybe she's bi-polar and had an episode? I don't know. Hard to call them selfish if you don't have all the facts in front of you, only assumptions.

I know Tyler and I would have ordered Chinese! I would have happily had leftovers as well. Love cleaning out the fridge so food doesn't go to waste.

No one in my family (except my mother) knows I have Bipolar Disorder. I have used the "one day flu" and other various illnesses to mask emotional situations that were so debilitating that I simply could not follow through with plans we had made even months beforehand. My husband always covers for me. My kids know some of the time what the real issue is, sometimes to save their sanity we tell them whatever we're telling every one else.

I have even flaked on Thanksgiving. Once. The other holidays are fluid and span many days, last minute changes happen all the time in our family, I am not the only culprit ;)

It is not your place to decide whether she was well enough to host a large dinner on Christmas. "Being together on the holiday" is NEVER my first priority, and it is very difficult to deal with people like you in my own family who assume a person could just suck it up. Some of us can't. Respond with compassion, it's so much better than judgement. Hopefully you didn't bash your sister in law all day in front of the kids. But if you did, well, I've done that too. Let's make a pact to curb that impulse next time :)

It is up to you to react to situations like this with grace and LET IT GO.

My philosophy is to think the best of people. You don't know the actual reason for the change. Flu is a common term for any number of things. Whatever the reason dinner was rescheduled. Another philosophical idea is that everyone is doing the best that they can. It's not up to me to judge.

Why would you want to spoil Christmas for yourself by getting upset with her? We are, each of us responsible for our own happiness. If you weren't happy with your SIL who was doing the best she could in whatever circumstances she found herself I say that is selfish. If this spoiled your Christmas you made the decision to be unhappy. It's not your SIL'S fault.

I suggest that if last minute changes upset you that you need to change your way of thinking or not accept invitations. Life is too short to harbor Ill feelings.

SO WHAT if a sickness is not really involved? At least the dinner was rescheduled. My friend who was so excited about having everyone over, and was cooking everything himself, had to cancel 6 hours before everyone was supposed to show up because his wife "can't get out of bed" because she is sick. Is she sick? I don't know. Maybe she doesn't want to clean up the house because it's so messy. He can't both cook and clean the house in time.

She never likes having company. We all know that. It's not his fault. Am I going to get my nose out of joint and say "my family of 4 made the best of it and ate leftovers"? NO. Good grief. Am I going to tell him that I know that she's not really sick but just doesn't want to deal with company? NO. Why would I do that to him?

You have no idea what happened. Maybe she has terrible menstral cramps. Maybe she and her husband had a blow-out fight. Maybe one of their kids had an epic tantrum or meltdown and couldn't deal with company. Maybe she has diarrhea and can't stop going back and forth to the bathroom. You have no idea. Be glad you still have an invitation. Honestly, if I were them and knew you were talking this way about them, you wouldn't be getting an alternative invitation.

Well put, Nervy Girl...

Well obviously she didn't have the flu but many viruses run their course in 24 hours. I think your theory that she was hung over is highly insulting.

I just want to add she may have been sick all week and they were hoping she would be recovered by then. If I were doing the majority of the dinner and others were bringing sides I would think you had lost your mind to suggest cooking and bringing all of that to someone else's house. How exactly would that be letting her recover?

Twice in the last 6 months I have felt fine one day, and threw up AT WORK the next day. Maybe she threw up the day before, felt fine the next day, but wasn't able to deal. Unless there is some strange history of selfish behavior going on, assuming the worst doesn't make sense. You don't list any of the clues you mention, so we can't agree or disagree based on an incomplete picture.

Whether she was sick, or just too tired, or whatever, it really was no big deal. She just moved it back a day, which could be a pain if you had other plans and had to move stuff around, but I am guessing you would have said so if that was the case. So since it was just a matter of a day why worry so much about it. If I was feeling ill I would not want a bunch of people in my house, and if I was sick I would assume my family would rather be with me for the holiday then somewhere else without me. Many people get the 24 hour bug or she might have even ate something that did not agree with her and she knew her bowels would be better the next day (some of us with IBS know about this all to well, but would more then likely say we are sick rather then that we have bathroom issues). Let it go.

For me, if it is really about spending time with family, it wouldn't matter if it was on the 25th or the 26th.

Been through something similar.

When I was single and living alone my sister called to cancel as I was about to leave for her home (an hour away). She and her husband decided they didn't want company and just wanted to be with their kids.

At least you had your family to spend time with.

If she had the flu, she had the flu. What and how would you have felt if they didn't cancel. Your family and others would have shown up, been exposed. Then your family now has the flu. If you didn't want to go to the rescheduled event. Then that was your choice. More than likely since she recovered so quickly it was a stomach bug and not the actual flu. But I would be thankful she considered everyone's health.

I empathize with you here because I usually have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day coordinated almost to the hour. It's very fun but also exhausting. By 12/26 I'm crashed on the couch with a book. Honestly I would not be "up" for a rescheduled Christmas Day.

That being said, I would give her the benefit of the doubt but also be "on notice" for next year (or the next big family event).

Grace is wonderful but I don't blame you for being a bit ruffled. Just keep it to yourself, though, would be my advice.

looks like they had an issue they didn't want to deal with....or maybe they were invited somewhere else instead...too bad they just couldn't tell you the truth...I know I wouldn't take my family over to a home where someone was "just" sick...I don't want my family getting it!!

I wouldn't make a big deal about it. Just be prepared for last minute plans in the future....

I had planned on going to a friend's house for Christmas but the morning of she called and said it was cancelled. I know she suffers from terrible depression. I know not to push it. She is my best friend, we will have other dinners together, it's just another day that can be substituted.

My brother-in-law always has their big Christmas on the Saturday after Christmas because they want Christmas in their home. Whoever can make it...Great. SIL is an ER doc and usually works Christmas so she can do her thing on Saturday.

The world will not fall apart!

People get sick very suddenly. My DH got sick yesterday and stayed home. It was a one-day thing, as it turned out. My DD and I went on ahead and today DH went to a friend's Boxing Day party. Had we been hosting, we would have been scrambling for alternative plans, since who wants even a 24 flu/stomach bug for Christmas? I don't see why you are so mad about it...other than it seems you don't believe she was really sick.

I guess you know now how they treat holidays and family so don't expect much next time. Good luck.

Well, I honestly might have been a bit miffed on one hand. You had most definitely bought and prepped the ingredients for the dishes that you were supposed to bring. I would also think that the dishes that you were making did not constitute an entire meal since you were working in conjunction with her for the holiday meal. You definitely were not given enough time to make alternative plans. I am a planner by nature and last minute changes to plans drive me crazy.

That being said, you really do not know for sure if she was sick or not. If she was, no way in hell would I have wanted to be over there. The last thing you need is for your whole family to get sick. If she wasnt , then it was very bad form and rude of them. They obviously do not feel close enough to you to confide the real story.

I would have gone ahead and cooked up my dishes and served them to my family for dinner along with a couple of things from my freezer. It would have been a smorgasboard, but that would have still filled all the bellies in the house. I am not sure that I would have attended the reschedule...we probably would have had other plans anyway....we tend to be booked up around the hoidays. Next time, youshoyld either decline the invitation or have a back up plan.

so, who wants to go eat at a sick person's house.
?
:/
khairete
S.

You never know what's really going on with other people, but I would try not to assume the worst (they just didn't feel like hosting that day or changed the date without good cause).

I would assume that whether she was sick with the flu or not, something was happening in their family that prevented them from hosting. There's no point in speculating why or thinking of the way in which they inconvenienced you. It sounds like your family made the best of the situation, time to move on. :)

Sure that's annoying, especially if you're pretty sure she wasn't really "sick."
Just chalk this up to one of those "what are you gonna do" moments. When life throws you a curve, plans suddenly change, things aren't what you expected, etc. all you can do is go on, try not to hold a grudge and make the best of what's left of the day.
And next year, offer to host. I have a feeling you'll feel better knowing you're in control.

Since she went ahead and cooked like crazy, I'm not sure I'd be mad. Not like she cancelled to get out of all the work bc last minute she got lazy. So no. Something going on or she really was sick. There are 6 of you so not like a single mom and child were left alone on Xmas. They likely figured there are plenty of you to make your own fun that day and get together today instead.

I guess if I were sick on Christmas day, I might want my family to be around to wait on me a little with chicken soup and pain relievers. Maybe I'd really want the whole thing to be rescheduled for the next day even if my recovery and strength were questionable, just so Christmas wouldn't be totally ruined and all that food gone to waste. I might figure on toughing it out, and make my husband do the decorating that I hadn't gotten to because I was so run down.

It's also possible that something else was going on - but I'm not sure what you suspect in particular. That they had other guests? That they wanted to do their gifts in private? That they just hadn't gotten their act together to do all the cooking and shopping, and they were stuck on Christmas Day with no stores open? Do you suspect that there was a hangover or a bi-polar type episode as suggested by other posters?

I'm sure it's possible, but you haven't really said what the "clues" were other than the fact that she seemed totally fine the next day. It's also possible, from what little you have said here, that she was using every last bit of strength on 12/26 to make it happen so as not to disappoint you all.

If there is more to these people than what you have said here, there may well be history that none of us have. Maybe you picked up on some superficialities or duplicitous attitudes on their part that I just can read into your question. You would obviously be much better at that than I would.

I think you have 2 choices: ignore it and move on, or try one more time under the "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" theory. Either way, you will have either zero chance or just one more chance of a repeat, and then you never have holidays together again.

I think you're being ridiculous. End of story.

Having gone through a number of these things in my long life I can only say just always have a backup plan. And if you find you don't want to go to their 'sub' day, don't. you don't know why, but I really agree with all you said and it does feel terrible for that to happen. I've gone through a lot and it hurts, but the backup plans ease the pain a bit.

My family aren't slaves to the calendar. We do holidays on whatever day arms for the most people.

Wow. Just... Wow.
Yep. Someone in this scenario was most definitely selfish.....

Brava, Doris Day. Well said!

I had the flu last week. I got chills, threw up, slept for 3 hours and then was perfectly fine. I stayed away from people for 24 hours, but sometimes people do have quick illnesses. In fact, I I had a really busy day the next day and I was fine.

I always do Christmas Eve. As of Tuesday night, I will still sick and not doing Christmas Eve. I woke up Wed thinking ok I am back on for Christmas Eve. I pulled it off. Very tired at the end of night but I did it. So it is possible that she was sick. I think you need to just let it go. I always have something in freezer around holidays just in case something like that happens. I am sure there was a grocery store open so that you could quickly create a nice dinner for your family. When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. Hope you are there now enjoying Christmas!

I would feel she wasn't sick either. You have no idea what your recovery will be in 24 hours. While I always hope I have a 24 hour bug and say I just need to sleep it off, I never really know if I will be sick or not the next day. Often I am, but I don't know.

There is not much you can do this time around, but I would steer clear 12 months from now. Plan your own Christmas day.

I really can't imagine anyone would postpone a holiday family dinner by a day without good reason.

As for celebrating on Boxing day I wouldn't be bothered. We have been having our family celebration on Boxing day for years. We actually kind of enjoy our quiet day at home with just our immediate family on Christmas day as it is the one day all year we don't have to go anywhere or do anything. I'm sure it would be inconvenient since you hadn't planned ahead for it, but really it is kind of nice and quiet during this busy season. The kids actually get a chance to play with their new things!

If she was sick she was sick. She didn't have the flu, that's just ignorant of them to say that. She probably just didn't feel good. If she actually does have the flu then every single person who went today got themselves exposed.

If a person has the "flu" then they are still contagious for days if not weeks.

I'd have declined going stating I didn't want the flu because people are dying from it all over the USA.

So if she was throwing a hissy fit because the house wasn't clean enough or the house wasn't decorated yet or what ever the issue might have been...well, telling them you aren't coming due to not wanting to be exposed to any, ANY, illness would teach them to plan ahead and get stuff done and do what they said they'd do.