Need Ideas: from People Dealing with or That Have Dealt with This or Who Sees It

I really think that you need to tell that woman that you will no longer watch her children while they are outside. She is doing her children a major disservice, allowing them to think that their behavior is perfect or superior---because no child's is. Tell her nicely, but be clear about boundaries. And you need to let her know that you asked her children to leave and they refused. There is nothing worse than obnoxious, neighborhood kids who are not supervised and allowed to run wild. I hope she knows that her child rearing tactics are leading her children to think it is okay to bully others. Good luck!

Wow...you need to be able to send kids home...you need to know you're boss of your own property...and if nothing else, take your daughter inside and tell them that is all the play time they are getting for the day. You are going to have to be very strong and it doesn't matter one bit if those kids like you or not...you have to do what is best for your daughter. If she gets the idea that she has an excuse for bad behavior she will milk it for all it is worth...and if she gets the idea that you don't love her enough to protect her from trauma, that will also be a disaster. Yes, I would explain the situation to the other moms, but still you have to be in charge. If it doesn't change quickly, I would completely stop allowing her to play with those kids...no one will understand it or like it, but it doesn't sound like a fair situation for her to be forced into when she's unable to handle a mob...who is? I had a very similar situation with my asperger's son...the neighbor kids were trying over and over to chase him out of the neighborhood...it was sooooo bad!!! We had to actually move to get him free of that, but before we moved he just had to play in the back yard only...I hated it, but it was so much safer for him emotionally!

Let me preface this by saying I have no experience with this, so my questions may be ignorant.

My husband is bipolar, was just diagnosed last July.

My concern is that your daughter will have to deal with her bipolar her entire life. Isn't it more important to teach her how to cope, then to try to shield her from other kids that don't understand? It would seem (to me) that by taking care of the situation for her and not allowing her to see "real life", that she won't learn how to cope on her own.

Again, no experience in this area, just from the wife of someone who is bipolar.

I agree with the moms who said "just send them home". As a mom and preschool teacher, I understand the mother hen instinct. I know you want to let the children play and feel like it's not fair to the 3 children too send them home to a mom who doesn't lok out for them. BUT, you also have to look out for the best interests of your daughter and it's not fair for her to have to interact with children who only want to push her buttons and have no understanding of her disorder. The next time problems arise with the other children, I would tell them that their mother would like for them to come home. If they won't leave, walk them home and tell their mother that they were having problems playing together. If you do this consistantly, it will either make their own mother interact with them or it will make the oldest child decide to play more harmoniously. Good luck!

J.,

Take a minute and compose a letter. Leave it in the mailbox of the Mother that hurt your feelings. Explain to her that the other day, when conflict arose between your children, that you did try to send her children home and they came back and told you she was sleeping (call her out on that!). Have you come right out and told her about your little girl's bipolar disorder? If so, tell her in the letter that you would like to keep letting the children play together, but that you would like her to come and supervise the play so she can listen to the interaction between the kids for herself.

If she responds negatively you can try something else. Talk to the little girl and explain in clear and concise terms about your daughter. Explain it in a way she can understand. If she still carries on with your daughter, then don't let the kids play together, tell the kids that they have to go home and if they won't pack up the other kids and take them into the house for a drink or a snack. Once the kids go home, go back out. There is no reason the other child should be allowed to antagonize your daughter (on the other hand, kids this age normally do this kind of thing). If it is upsetting your daughter and the kid won't leave, go to the house and tell the mother yourself. Simply say, the kids aren't getting along, I would appreciate it if you would come get your child, turn around and walk away. Stand up for your daughter and yourself in the way of Christ, firmly but gently. God bless you and your family.

Maybe you could write a newsletter type thing to pass out to all your neighbors. Explain everything that goes on with your daughter so that they may explain it to their kids also. Go into detail on what happens with her during certain circumstances and how to avoid it so that she may play with all the other kids with no outbursts

Oh how I can relate to you. My 9 yr old daughter was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorders, depression, ADD and mild OCD when she was 6 yrs old. Some children understand, some don't and most parents understand and are very supportive. So far the only play time we have to break up is my daughter's and my niece's because my niecs has disorders of her own, but we are all in understanding of the matter with no hard feelings. This mother is looking for an afternoon babysitter and that needs to end. If these children show back up to play, I would kindly walk them back home and tell their mother they are more than welcome to play, but she needs to come attend her own children because you will not be responsible for them or any conflict that may happen. You have to look out for your your child's best intrest and anyone should be able to understand that and those who don't need not come around. Life is hard enough without having to worry about other people, how they act and thier children and how they are learning ot act. Best wishes to you and your lovely daughter.

Someone needs to tell this mom to get off her lazy butt and watch her kids, that the people in the neighborhood are not her kids babysitter... If I were you I would have just taken my daughter inside and played with her there and left the other kids outside unattended. Its not your job to watch them.
but thats just me...

Good for you!! You know, I would consider this a blessing! It was the mother's decision to not allow her children to play with your daughter, so the next time these strays come along, let them know that they must go home cause their mother is not allowing them to play with your daughter. Apologize (so they can't say you were being mean to them) and if they don't leave, kindly call their mother and let her know that her children are wandering away and she needs to come get them. Your daughter will have many other kids to play with who will be kind to her. You do not have to subject her to these kinds of kids. I don't know know what it is about some girls these days, but they can be MEAN! And to top it off, this other girl should have known better for being older than your daughter. I think it is time to cut this friendship loose.

Good luck!

I have not dealt with a situation such as yours, but I am very proud of you for "being the adult" and not just knocking this woman's head off. I can't stand for people, who don't even tend to their own, to make assumptions about other children. I think I would probably ask to visit with her and try and explain that this is not a behavioral disorder, but something that is very difficult for your daughter to deal with. If she still chooses to feel that you are allowing your child to run a muck, then tell her that you will not allow the children to come to your home/yard/space unattended. Then, you are not stuck with all the neighborhood children while one mother stays in and naps while someone else is tending to her children. By the way...who does that. That really gets my goat. Sure a nap would be nice, but I sure as heck am not going to sleep while my children are outside.

Good Luck with this and good luck with your daughter, I can't imagine how hard this must be for a child to learn to live with.

You are so blessed to know you daughter is bi-polar, when I When my daughter was growing up they called it spoiled, until her adult life they found out she was bi-polar. But to your problem, your neighbor gave you a way out-- when her kids come over just send them home, per there MOms instructions,
"quote her if you have to" Believe me they will keep coming back, and even if you have to remind her, I would do so.

Take care and what a blessing you have had raising 9 kids.

I think you did the right thing by not provoking this woman. Who lets their children run around while they are asleep inside that is very wrong and I feel really bed for her kids.
Now what I would do in that situation next time is leave all together. If they are in your yard tell them they can't be there b/c you are having some family time with your KIDS. I know you like to be the Mother HEN but I don't think the other is worth your time. Sorry if I sound harsh but just from what you said I don't like the other mother b/c she sounds selfish and unconsiderate of your feeling or your childrens'. The other thing you shouldn't have to explain your DD illness with anyone. My son is Austic and he doesn't know personal space so I will remind him. If it gets out of hand with other children I take him out of that situation. That's my only suggestion to leave.
Good Luck

She would be shocked to know your eval of the situation because she is only looking at her view. Your with the kids and how dare her to tell you how to let your's talk to you when her's aren't even allowed to talk to her because she is asleep. Thats how I took it of course they'd rather be outside with you kids like to be where there are adults they like to feel safe. They know if they wake her lazy butt up she'd nagg at them. Anyway you should have picked her up at her word and ask her why is she sitting out here with you I'm respecting your request my daughter isn't playing with your kids anymore. She can't even follow through with what she sayes. Those kids of her's probally have alot of mixed emotions. Your doing a good job at least your following through on your word, your not throwing anything out there to your child that you know is a losing battle. Unfortunately her reading your material she'll be to ignorant to get it. Her parenting is bad so it makes her feel better to look down her nose at yours but yes I would give it to her because deep down inside she knows your doing the better job and I would tell her what did she expect that day you were out there alone with all those kids and you did try to send everyone home but yours wouldnt mind. I would tell her I've given you help and your not even appreciating it which in turn her kids won't either. Oh well let me get off this soap box. Goodluck
ps good job on the cool down time your really smart to realize the important thing is that your daughter get the lesson to be learned and that it's not going to happen till she cools down.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I would just avoid that family all together. When they come over, just send them back. Say,"your mom doesn't want you playing over here, you need to go" You did well by not entertaining an arguement. I think she talked to you in that tone to cover the fact that her lack of supervision of her children was actually what caused the problem.

What she said about your daughter was wrong and unkind and I am sorry. If it were me, I would never take her kids again without her there. Neither of you need nor deserve the stress. Think about what is best for you and your family before inviting them over for free-babysitting again.

My suggestion is to only have play dates if the mother can be there. It is kind of you to watch her kids, but not fair to you. You could also try shorter times, maybe an hour with just the two girls and do something specific (bake cookies, do a craft, etc)

Hang in there! And remember, you do not need to be supermom to the whole neighborhood.

J

I have a bipolar child, I understand. I have had to turn kids away and not allow them to be with my child because of what they do. As far as the other childs mom, How would she know if her child is or isn't acting out if she is not there and will not believe you? I'd ask her that. Also remind her that you asked for her child to go home, and she did not, disrespecting you. Is she alright with that? Make sure you have her phone number so that if any kind of situation arises with her children, you can reach her.
I had to work really hard with my son, now 15, through the years to know when to walk away and remove yourself from the situation before you melt down. That includes situations with even siblings. We constantly go over how to handle the situation better next time, because there will be a next time. Yes it is a constant monitor but worth it as I see taking control of himself, growing, becoming more independent, especially socially.

You may need to cool off the relationship with your neighbor. She doesn't sound overly neighborly to me. Your neighbor is sleeping while you are watching her children??? And if her kids are turned loose to do whatever they please, then you may not want to foster friendships like that for your children, particularly since they are disrespectful to adults. Try engaging in new activities, especially since summer is approaching, now is a wonderful time. Ideas: Vacation Bible School (your older daughter could even volunteer), church camp for your older daughter, swim lessons, etc. Good Luck!

I would tell the other mother, "Bye, bye naps." Unless her children are just a really bad influence, I wouldn't stop your child from playing with them. You've got a wonderful opportunity at this age to teach your daughter to be social and how to live with bipolar. It will carry her a long way through adulthood. I would just tell the other mother that your daughter requires your undivided attention and that whenever the children play together, you should both be present. That kind of indirectly tells her to get off her butt and be a parent.

I'd hate to rob your daughter of the learning opportunity to live a normal life with friends just because an adult is negligent with their own children. Your first duty is to your daughter, even if it includes only your daughter.

My brother never learned how to be social and have friends while having the disorder and now as an adult, he lives an unnecessary lonely life. Breaks my heart.

Best wishes!! Your daughter is lucky to have a mom like you. Keep up the good work.

First of all, that mother should have been monitoring her own kids. I know how you feel, you can't turn a child away. But in this case, you should "Ban" that child for a few days. That is what my aunt used to do with us when we were younger. The person that started the trouble, she would "ban" us for a week or so, depending on how severe it was. Then in order to come back, we had to explain the reason for being "banned" and promise not to do it again. If we did it again, we were "banned" for 2 weeks and so on.

while you may not want to have this conversation in front of your daughter, you really must talk to the mother of the 9yr old girl who is disrespectful of you and is egging your daughter on! tell this mom that you are sorry but because of your daughter's disorder, you absolutely must keep her surroundings peaceful and that she cannot let her daughter come over to your house any more. no body needs this situation! I don't think it is right for you to have to watch the whole neighborhood's kids in the first place! Let your daughter pick who she gets along with and invite those kid's over to play with her. make it clear that the one who causes all the trouble is not welcome until she learns not to push your daughter's buttons! She obviously enjoys upsetting people and has figured out how to do that with your daughter.

on another note I am just curious because I don't know much about bi-polar (chemical imbalance?? right??) any way is it known what causes it? I am guessing that it is hereditary only because you said that you had two children with it. I dated a man once who had a grown child with it, but we never really talked about it, I know that when he took his meds he was much better, but I guess sometimes they don't like the way that the meds make them feel? I am only curious and don't mean anything bad in my asking. if anyone would care to indulge me I would love to recieve some info. thanks.

After reading your update, I just wanted to add, that in reference to the other mom's response of "take it up with her with a belt" I do understand that way of thinking. You have to understand that most people don't really know a whole lot about bipolar and it is a natural response to think that discipline is the answer to an out of control child, but if you want her to understand your way of dealing with it instead of judging you for it, then you will have to educate her . I would be likely to say something like that about you and your daughters relationship if I did not understand her condition. And I am sure that it stinks to have to explain it to people, but if you want to have friends that understand what's going on and are tolerant instead of judgemental, you may have "SOME SPLAININ" TO DO" again, best of luck!

i have a 19 yr old niece who is level 2 mixed bipolar so i know exactly what you're going thru. pick your 'fights'. what i mean by this is you will take up for your bipolar daughter much quicker than one of your children that don't have it. don't back down or make apologies for the 'fights' you decide to take up for her on. good luck

Oh, J., this just breaks my heart! I can't believe how open people are with their opinions on how YOU can raise YOUR own kids! I have the same problem, and my kids don't have bipolar or anything else (I don't think...lol), but it just upsets me so much. They are so ignorant and have NO idea how hurtful that is to a parent, especially about their own child. People can be so rude, and then, to think that their kids are "angels"...ugh!

Sorry, but I just think it's so rude for any person, parent or not, to make such rude comments to a parent. And it's not just with words but with body language, too- nodding their heads in disapproval or widening their eyes in "shock" at how your child is "acting".

It's so hurtful and painful, and it really hurts me to think that someone is judging my child based on what they see in just these few moments. They have no idea of all the other wonderful things they can do or say. They don't see the beautiful people that they are when everything is "normal" (no kids teasing or what-not). But I try to point these things out, when I can remember. Sometimes, I am just so taken aback at others' reactions that I can't say or do anything but just pick up my children and walk away.

I wish there didn't have to be any explanations, because people need to learn to live with and accept others. I mean, we're expected to accept rude people, so they need to accept nice people. lol

Could you, possibly, change the format of their playtime? Maybe you (or the other mom that's watching all of the kids) could determine the game their playing or activity their engaging in. Try to include some that your daughter's really good at and enjoys...this way, they can focus on the good in her and see her at her happiest. :)

Is there any obligation to keep watching the other kids? I mean, are you being paid for this? Are you the mom's friend? Is there any way to just take your daughter to an art class, gymnastics, or anything else? Just curious. :)

Maybe you should be taking your child to a different doctor since Bi-Polar disorder does not surface in someone until their late 20's or early 30's. It's really scary when doctors try to diagnose this in children because they are exhibiting similar symptoms. Behavioral problems don't always have a condition to go along with them. Some times they are just behavioral problems. As far as the other kids go, you should let that mother know EXACTLY what her children are doing and how you feel about it. The fact that she's putting all the blame on your child is completely unfair (behavioral disorder or not). Children are children and they're never perfect.