Need Help with What to Do with Hitting, Pushing Etc

Toddlers that age often don't get along with kids the same age. When my twins were 1 or 2, we started doing play dates, and there was always fighting. With twins, I think they feel especially threatened by a new playmate, since they're so used to each other.

My adopted boy and girl twins, now age 4 1/2, are both very prone to aggression. We have finally found a strategy that is beginning to work for our family, by realizing that odd as it sounds, there is always a reason behind "unreasonable" behavior. Jealousy, overstimulation, food allergies, who knows? Try to tune in to his needs and make sure they are met as best you can. The other boy might also be stressed from being away from his parents.

What kids like this need is more compassion, patience (though it sometimes seems impossible), and being heard; not more stress such as time outs (we tried those, too, with zero results and only increased stress for everyone). Being heard is especially important to kids like my daughter, who want to be in control, and insist that things be done their way or they have a fit. When they act angry or mean, they are really scared or stressed.

In your situation, it's probably a good idea to keep them somewhat separate just after an incident, but then bring them together and try to encourage sharing and nice play by telling your son that the other boy can be his friend, if he includes the boy in his games. This worked well for my kids when there was trouble during play dates.

Good luck, and peace to you and your family!

Kids this age don't have the verbal skills to let their wants and desires be known so they hit, bit, push and throw tantrums to let people know they don't like something. You need to remove him, tell him "Johnny doesn't like to be treated that way" and then make him help Johnny with holding a ice bag on a bit mark for him and to ask if johnny is ok and say sorry (although at this age they don't always understand what sorry means) and let him know that he needs to make it right and not do it again. It will take time and I would still have the time outs but not in his room where he can play, but in a chair facing a timer that he can see how long he has to be there. If he spends 2 minutes in time out, out for 4 and does it again, put him back in. Consistancy is the key to make it stop.

One of the hardest thing for a child that age is to say "I'm sorry". You'll have to teach him what it means to be sorry first and that will be the toughest concept for him to grasp right away. Once he learns what it means, have him say that to the person that he's hit after his punishment. Before you put him into time out, explain to him why he's being punished (eye to eye on his level), after he gets out, explain it again and have him repeat it to you (again on his level) and tell him that he'll have to go and apologize to the person that he had just hit by saying those magic words "I'm sorry". After he does what you've asked him to do, praise him for being a big boy and saying those words. This has worked for all three of my boys and they're now teenagers and they know that they'll be respected by their peers if after they've done something stupid, apologize and not do the stupid stuff again.

He's probably old enough to choose whether or not to be naughty. He probably is choosing to pick on the other child because he cries.
I would make him take ownership of his bad behavior and make a choice about what he'll do when he gets out of time out. Instead of telling him what he did was naughty and that we don't do that, when it's time to let him up ask him if he wants to be naughty or play nicely. I tell my son what his behavior was that got him on the naughty chair and tell him he was naughty for doing it and then I ask him if he wants to be naughty or play nicely. If he chooses the former, I tell him he can sit longer because naughty boys can't play. He sits there until he chooses to be good. I found out very early that if you let them up even though they choose to be naughty, they will be naughty. |Likewise, if he chooses to be good, that's what he'll do--for a few minutes anyway before brother becomes to tempting a toy.
The bully is my younger twin.
B.

I do not have much advice... but my brother who is 2 years younger them me and then there are two more brothers after him WAS the same way. He had a lot of anger and did not know how to direct it. It seemed that punishment made it even worse because he would just be told NO and sent to his room. I believe he was taken to a doctor to talk through his anger with someone NOT in the family. It did not work right away but by high school he seemed to mature enough to understand and move past the aggression.

My cousin was also the same way and by 7th/8th grade he is extremely better due to some medication and maturity. It seemed he did not know how to control his anger either, even with help from a doc on how to redirect it. My aunt was not big on the medication but it has helped her son learn how to handle himself I he is taking less and less of the medication now so it has seemed to help him.

It is a phase and it will get better. My 2.5 year old boy has started hitting again and you just have to say over and over hands are not for hitting, they are for (fill in the blank). It totally sucks to have to deal with, but I promise you it does get better. It's one of those grit your teeth and bear it situatins, but if you hang in there you'll see improvement. Good luck :)

I think that some kids are just a little more aggressive. I did daycare for 5 years and I had one little guy who would bite, hit, etc. He was a BULLY. He is now 5 years old and the sweetest little boy (for the most part)...LOL. His older brother is the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate child I've ever met. And the parents raised them the same way....

Time out did not work very well for him. It would only correct the behavior for a very short time.

I suggest that you put him in a crib (pack 'n play) etc. with some books or small cars etc. when he starts to get aggressive. Maybe he just needs some time by himself (but because he is misbehaving I would still put him in a "confined" enviroment.)

Always get down on his level and tell him (small easy words) what behavior you expect or why he is being removed from the enviroment or whatever you are trying to get him to understand at the moment.