Need Help with the 3Yr Old's "I Can't..."

My son does that at times. I try to make fun out of it. Then I tell him he did a great job and he gets big boy hugs or a high five.

I give him high praise for everything great thing he does on his own without being asked. I go on and on for a bit.

Sometimes I tell him I'm going to count to 5 and tell him he can't play on the computer if he doesn't pick up. Then in a stern voice and sometimes with arms folded and the stink eye I start counting. I don't use any of the 1/2 or 3/4 stuff when counting either.

Good Luck! We all go through it.

We help. Usually, our 3 year old is asking for help because she wants to be with us and have our attention. We have found that it's actually quicker and more peaceful if we help. We do say all the same things you said, but we also add that we are glad to help if she needs it. Now she is proud when she does it herself.

My 3.5 year old was getting really frustrated at times with his toys or shoes or whatever, and yelling "I don't like you!" at them. I think he really wanted to do things independently but couldn't at times.

My approach is similar to Laurie C.'s. We decided to let our son know that we will always help when he asks for it, even if we know he can accomplish whatever task. Sometimes I have him put on his underwear and I'll help with his shorts. For the tough ones, instead of making him complete the whole task, we break it down into steps and have him master the first, then the second, etc., while I help him with the rest. For example, I snap his jeans while he puts up the zipper. Doing both IS frustrating at first. But now he's great at the zipper and tries to do the snaps on occasion.

One additional thing we do is recognizing when our son tried a few times to do something and succeeded. This helps him understand what we mean by "keep trying" and "you can do it." When we acknowledge his struggle and eventual success, he associates those phrases and the positive feeling of success as the results of the struggle... not as a trigger to feel frustrated.

How often do you find yourself putting him in timeout when he doesn't do something that you know he can do? And what happens after the timeout? The reason I ask is I wonder if the timeout is becoming a reinforcer... is he looking for attention because he's frustrated for whatever reason, and you give attention via timeout/consequences? Kids will continue to act up to get your attention, even if it is negative attention. Just a thought for you...

Good luck!

Ditto Laurie C. & Peg M.

Also, your son doing that only 1 time a day, to me, is hardly anything.

I have a 3 year old as well. He does this sometimes.
I do not 'expect' complete 'done-ness' from him from everything. But I do tell my kids to try "their best." AND that we are a "team." My son enjoys "team-work" and is proud. He will also say "We are family Mommy... we help..." as he does it.
I am proud of him.
I expect, "trying" in age-appropriate ways... and each of my kids are different. So, I need to take different approaches.
And sometimes, just like us, we are just tired of everything.
Try just giving him a moment... and then per his pacing, just do it not "perfectly" but "his best"... even if it is 10 minutes later.
My son, sometimes is the type to really take time to do something... because he is very reflective as well as active... but he does try his best and will do it... even if not RIGHT now. Often, he will even tell me "Mommy, let me finish playing with my Buzz Lightyear first... then I'll put away my blocks..." for example. Then I say "okay, good idea.. " And I don't hover over him about it.
I respect his pacing, and that also he is trying to accomplish what "I" want him to do... and that it is 'team-work' too... as a family.
I teach him, how to express himself and talk out things with me... and then that way, it helps... as "we" accomplish something.

all the best,
Susan

I agree with Laurie C. Your little guy apparently desires more TLC, or, failing the "TL" part, at least the "C."

All behaviors can be understood as a mean to get some need met. If you find out what his underlying needs are, you can get to the root of the problem. And if your son feels understood and supported, he can and will help come up with alternatives that work for him. Perhaps a tradeoff – 15 minutes of chatting, play, or simply cuddling after he's ready.

I've found that kids can tell us what they need, and find creative solutions to many of their own behavioral problems. I've been thrilled with applying the principals in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. With my 4yo grandson, interactions stay nearly always positive, and his ability to cooperate is outstanding. But he really wants and needs a strongly interactive and involved relationship with his nurturers.

First and foremost, that phrase if NOT even allowed. I don't allow it personally, or as a coach or teacher. Tell me you want/need help, tell me it's hard, etc. but DO NOT tell me you can't.

If you don't have house rules....make them. Make sure there is a NO WHINING rule, too. Teach him to communicate in a more grown up manner. Tell him that as he gets older, we don't communicate the same way because he can TALK now. That is the age when they want independence but they ALSO want to know they can still have you do things for them and that's okay. They just have to learn how to HANDLE things differently. They only things they've pretty much known up to now, are whining and crying to get what they want.

If he's doing something that is a skill, help as much as you can, maybe even in steps on certain things and acknowledge the small accomplishments. In other words, he may not be able to pick up the barn or whatever he's been playing with, but he CAN pick up the animals that go it in, etc. Teach him also about teamwork and doing things together.

At this age, I think alot of it is a security issue when all of that comes out. Take steps on helping him become independent. Let him make choices at the grocery, too........kiwi or strawberries, apple or banana for your snack, would you like green beans or broccoli for dinner? It lets them think they are helping you and helps them to start making choices.

Both my girls (4 1/2 and 2 1/2) do this on occasion. My response is always the same. I just say "of course you can" and walk away. No big deal made of the situation. Sometimes they really want help (not necessarily need it) so once they figure out to stop whining and come ask me with love for help I always say "I would love to help you." I understand just wanting help sometimes. I don't understand all the fuss!

The more you carry on with the situation, the more your son will. Just be straight foward and meaningful. He'll get the point.

We are going through this too. One thing I found that works is take the reasoning to the next level. (Him) I cant set the table.. (Me) yes you can and if you do not try then we can not eat. If it is something that I know he can do and has done repeatedly I get down on his level and ask why he can not do it.

omg! This is exactly my son. turned 3 in May. I have to repeatedly tell him to say, "I can do it." I'm hoping some other moms have some great tips!