Need Help with Mother Vs. Father Parenting

Ok - first take a deep breath & try to relax. Second, don't try to be super-mom - be glad that his father can comfort him & wants to help. Raising kids is a joint effort, so be thankful for any help your husband gives - some moms don't get that much. If your husband is gone a lot, your son probably misses him, so try not to be jealous. Have you tried doing what your husband does? Maybe your son just needs a little cuddle time after his nap. Also know that "this too shall pass." Kids go through stages of growth & development and seem to be changing constantly, so know that he will grow out of his "crying after nap" stage & try to be patient about it. I have 4 boys, ages 16, 3 & 17 month old twins, and it seems that once you're used to them being a certain way, they change again. I hope this helps.

Hello, M.. I am a mother of two boys ages 9 & 5. I sympathize with you. I would suggest sending your son to preschool two days out of the week and if you cannot afford it, find some neighbors in your area that has a child around the same age as yours and make play dates. I breastfed my youngest son for his first year & it seemed like he did me the same way until his brother (who is 4 years older) or his dad came home. Just like how we get frustrated seeing the same routines day after day so does children. Not only would you be showing your son social skills, it also gives you a chance to get out of the house and get a "break" as well. I wish you all the best.

Hi M., my name is Chante. I too stay at home with my 2.5 yr old son and 6 month old daughter. My fiance is a great Dad. I have a few shining moments myself, but am otherwise over tired, over worked, and over it! Really, raising children is exhausting. The feelings of jealousy are probably related to the fact that you are working so hard and feel that you have little to show for it. Plus, two year olds are awful. I love my son to bits but I can only take so much before I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I know what you mean when you say you're frustrated with watching your husband do something you are struggling with.
To me it feels like I try and I try and I try but I am not getting through to my son, then someone else walks in and gets him to do what I was asking and he does it, no problems.
I look at it like the jar of sauce that you work so hard to open and then you finally hand it off to someone else and it pops right off, first try. Well, you loosened it.
Here's what works for me. When M gets home, I take a break. Most nights it's 10-15 minutes in the bathroom, door locked, shower running (to muffle the sounds). Sometimes I acually get in the shower, especially when it's been so long since I had a shower that I can't remember my last one. Mostly though, I just sit in the warm room and read gossip magazines. Nothing like reading about Britney to make me feel like mother of the year.
The other thing I do regularly is to take one day a month off. 8-10 hours away with Dad in charge. It's beyond beautiful to be the one walking in the door to happy screams from my son. That beautiful "MOMMY!!!!!!" just really soothes the soul. Plus the look on M's face and the state of the house (think hurricane Katrina) just really boosts the ego. I am not the only parent in this house who struggles when left all day with a willful two year old. And M is never smug anymore when I can't pull it together during the week because he understands what I do all day. Just that little bit of empathy really saves our relationship. It makes me want to spend time with him.
I also have a GOOD mommy friend who I can call at any time for any reason. Knowing I'm not alone and crazy really helps me when I just don't think I can make it another 5 mins.
Hold on girl. Just like every phase that comes with parenting, the next one will make you miss this one. Ever play where's the poo? Ahhh, potty training . . .

M., sounds like you need a breather.... I am also a stay at home mom, and understand what you're going through. I joined a mom's club and with all the support, I feel like I can be a better mom. There are other members who I can talk to about child issues, we have play groups, park days, mom's night outs, etc. Try to find a group in your neighborhood. Check out www.bayareamoms.org

M.,

First, I would say that you are not a bad mother!!Bad mothers don't question if they are good mother or not. As a stay at home mother myself I can totally relate. We went through this as well. Dad came home and it was like I was no one. I believe that it does have to do with how much time your child sees each of you. All your child knows is that you are there and Dad isn't. Just like you want to spend time with your husband so does your child. Kids don't always know how to tell you what they need, they cry, when the need is met they stop. Take a bath or read, Mommy time while they have their time. Another big time need for you is make a date night with your hubby! Even if you don't leave the house (have a candle lit picnic in the living room) make time for the two of you to connect. It's not really where you are, that you make time for each other to reconnect is important. Put a love note in a pocket of his jacket, send a text that you are thinking about him or something about a special night you will have. I found that the more I treat my husband with that love and effort that is what I get back from him. Setting the example in a way. I treat him the way I want him to treat me. Also if you have not spoken to your husband about how you feel then you should. Open communication, especially about when I feel I have failed is hardest for me, but the most important for me to share with my husband. I am often given more support then I expected. All people are different and each relationship is too, but communication is so important in them all. Your husband can't support you and work with you to find a common ground to solve what is going on if you don't talk. I can say for me this was something that I came to see. Dad wasn't around much and my boys were excited to have him there, heck so was I! We talked about it came up with a plan that work for our family's schedule. Remember your family's schedule may not be like anyone else you know, and that's ok. It's your family and you need to make the choices of what works for you.

Wishing you much peace and many blessings! Please feel free to contact me if you like.
G. A

I agree with the other mothers and say to you gently, "You are not a bad mother." I too am a full-time mommy of a soon to be one-year old boy. We are married to the military, so daddy is gone much of the day and generally has evening responsibilities. So, it's generally just me and our son. What's interesting, is that he is generally more fussy with his daddy then me, which is opposite of your situation. Go figure!

We are going thru some bedtime anxiety and well, seems as though mommy is the only one to calm him. So I can relate when the question as to "why?" comes to play with mommy vs. daddy no matter what the given situation is or behavior exhibited.

A few things I (we) have started: My son and I just joined a Baby Gym class with 6-12 month olds. It's fantastic!! This way, our son is gaining exposure to other people and ya know what, today at his first session, he did great and was able to wonder all over and away from mommy. As long as he heard my voice and could turn and see me every now and then he was just fine. Perhaps joining a play group to expose your child to a different environment beyond only the two of you would be good.

We too have a date night every other week along with me having one weeknight or half-day on a Saturday to do my own thing. I think it's critical to have "you" time let alone time with your partner. I also am a firm believer in making sure the two of us are on the same page when it comes to parenting. Granted, we will stray every now and then only because he's daddy and I'm mommy; however, when one of us finds a parenting strategy that works, we share to ensure we both are consistent. This way, our son does not attempt to manipulate or perhaps fuss. Granted, we are well aware that children will test our parenting and patience, but I am a firm believer in consistent parenting to avoid trival battles in our home.

And just remember, our children are going to respond differently to different people and well, this includes his own parents : )It doesn't mean he likes one more than the other.

Well, best wishes and remember to take care of you!!!!

Dear Melissa,

Keep your head up! It's nothing personal it's a very common problem amoungst toddlers. They are at home all day with one parent and so they no how to push all your buttons. Especially when you find that you have no time for yourself. I recommend putting this little guy on a schedule and stick to it. It may help his whinning problem. Also, you might also check into to parks and recreation for your local "Tiny Tots" program. They will take this little guy off your hands a few days a week a couple hours a day to give you and him, some breathing space. Good Luck!

Why not look into a moms club in your area? Other moms can be of support to you. They have playgroups, childrens outings, activities. Sounds like you need some support and a break also. Parenting is a difficult job. It's hard to be with your 2 yr old day in and day out. To find your local mothers club, check with your park and recreation dept.
Take care.