Need Help with Kindergarten Bully

Updated on April 23, 2008
V.F. asks from Deerfield, IL
9 answers

Hi Mommas,
I have a dilemma. There is a boy in my son's class who is constantly hitting/punching my son hard for no reason at all. I've talked to other moms in my son's class and they report that the same bully has been hitting their kids too! This has been going on since October and we've talked to the teacher and instructed my son not to play with the bully. The teacher now has the bully kid and his accomplice on a sticker chart reward system and they've talked to the kid's parents. However this kid just keeps pounding away at my son. My son told me that he was washing his hands today and the bully ran up and punched him hard in the stomach (again)! My son told his teacher who gave the bully a time out. My husband is fed up with this and told my son that he has permission to defend himself and hit the other kid if the kid starts hitting my son again. My son was a bit hesitant and said he doesn't like to hit back, but enough is enough. What else can we do? Help!

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J.R.

answers from Chicago on

What school district are you in? Every parent should be given a handbook at the beginning of the year, if you do not have one, check the district website, or go into the office and get one.

I looked up what my schools policy was on this and i've pasted below

DISCIPLINE STEPS AND PROGRAM
We have steps to discipline that teachers will follow:
1. The teacher talks with the student regarding the unacceptable behavior.
2. The teacher contacts the parent via telephone or letter regarding this unacceptable behavior. The letter should be signed and returned for documentation.
3. The teacher requests a parent/teacher conference.
4. The teacher has additional contact with the parent, as needed.
5. The teacher refers the student to the Flex/PBIS team if the behavior(s) continues.

Any one or more of the above steps may be bypassed for serious infractions of school rules and/or regulations whenever deemed appropriate. Whenever a student violates
any school rule or regulation, depending upon the circumstances and/or previous infractions, the school principal and the Board of Education may impose severe
consequences. The following are considered infractions of the School Discipline Code:

*Fighting in school, on school grounds, on a bus, or at the bus stop.
*Frequent or continued disregard for school regulations.
*Possession of a knife, any weapon, or anything that could be used as a weapon.
*Theft or destruction of another student's property.
*Theft or destruction of school property or property of any staff member.
*Disrespect toward/for adults supervising students.
*Throwing rocks or other objects.
*Throwing snowballs while on school property or at the bus stop.
*Any action which could or does result in any harm to another student or adult.
*Threats made toward other students or an adult.
*Use of inappropriate and/or foul language or gestures while at school, on school grounds, on a bus, or at a bus stop.
*Possession and/or use of dangerous materials or objects (i.e. drugs, firecrackers, etc.).
*Lying or knowingly giving false information to adults.
*Inappropriate or incorrect use of school property; reporting a false alarm, etc.

In summary, it is expected that all students conduct
themselves at all times in a manner that is befitting an elementary school environment and in which we, as parents, would be proud. Obviously, children will make mistakes
and we will use those mistakes as learning experiences. It is very rare that serious consequences have to be imposed. However, the purpose of stating the above is merely to inform teachers, parents, and students that we have certain expectations that help in providing a learning environment where all can feel safe and secure.

RIGHTS OF STUDENTS AND TEACHERS
Every child has:
1. The right to an orderly, quiet place to learn.
2. The right to feel safe and secure from harm.
3. The right to have his or her feelings respected.
4. The right to a fair share of the teacher's attention.
5. The right to an education.

Every teacher has:
1. The right to do the job she/he was hired to do -- teach children.
2. The right to be treated with respect and courtesy.
3. The right to decide how to conduct her/his classroom.
Children who bother other children when they are trying to learn; who hurt, ridicule or threaten other children; or who monopolize the teacher's time so much that others
cannot have their own needs met -- these children are depriving other students of their rights.

Children who are rude and disrespectful to the adults in charge; who prevent the teacher from teaching; who try to be the boss of the classroom -- these children are depriving
the teacher of her rights.

I have the right to have my own needs met, but I do not have the right to deprive other people of their rights.

Absolutely bring this to your principle - and the teacher needs to step up, watch this kid closer, get the parents involved and get him into a disciplinary program -

Like you, I have told my kids to strike back if they are being pushed around. I have told them it is NOT ok to hit somebody out of anger, or to 'throw the first punch' - but I have said to them, I will absolutely stand up for you when it comes to you getting in trouble IF I KNOW that you were only defending yourself. It's great that he doesn't feel comfortable hitting... what a sweet kid... maybe enroll your son in Karate... it's not just a physical 'sport' - the instructors work very hard to teach the kids NOT to use karate on people... it's strictly for defense only, and to know the difference between the two.

Good luck,... clearly the teacher is not all that concerned - but your son is being forced to enter a threatening environment every day, that is eventually going to have a negative impact on him. get this thing brought to the principle right quick.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

Hi,
I am an elementary school teacher. If your son is enrolled in a public school, unfortunately they cannot ask the child to leave the school. However, many schools have adopted a zero tolerance policy towards bullying period. I agree- it is time to meet with the principal and demand that consequences be taken right away to prevent this behavior from going any further. You are your son's advocate and it is important that you assert your power as a parent.

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J.A.

answers from Rockford on

First, send a letter to the teacher outlining the situation and insist that the matter be resolved. Something to the effect of "Since October I have made X number of requests that this bulling end, but my son continues to be bullied." The next time your child is bullied (which sounds like it will only be a day or so), send a letter to the principal stating that your child is being bullied, that you've made X number of requests to the teacher to resolve this issue without results, and request a meeting regarding this. At this point, you have it IN WRITING that you've made all of these requests for assistance from the school. Depending on how much cooperation you get from the principal, you could threaten legal action, but don't do this if the principal is making an effort to resolve the issue for you. If the bulling continues, file a complaint with the State Board of Ed (you will need your written documentation to do this) and/or contact your local police department and ask for their help. The police may have a Community Development Department, or something similar, that is designed to deal with things like this. You don't necessarily have to press charges. You could file a report, or you could just ask them to go talk to the kids and their parents.

Good luck!

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M.W.

answers from Chicago on

It is time to go to the principal. He/she needs to have a meeting with these parents. A teacher/principal cannot tell a parent "how to parent" but if a principal is involved and makes sure the parents know that this is unacceptable behavior and will not be tolerated they maky be a little more on top of it. At school, I think it is time for more effective discipline vs. stickers and positive reinforcement techniques. Like taking away privledges(recess etc.). However, I fell like you need to give your child some appropriate words to use when this bully (or any other mean kid) is pushing him around. Kids do need to feel like they can stick up for themselves without running to adults all the time for help.

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S.R.

answers from Chicago on

First off, I am so sorry your son is going through this! I would agree with the previous poster and go directly to the principal. Time-out is obviously not working, your son is not the only one involved and it's time for the school to get control of the situation. I wonder if some of the other parents would be willing to go to the Principal as well to show that it's not an isolated situation between your son and this boy but rather a widespread problem that needs to be addressed?

Good luck!

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S.O.

answers from Champaign on

I agree with the others. Follow the steps outlined by the school. If you've talked with the teacher about your concerns, head to the principal. They should have a plan in place for something like this. I would also encourage other parents to talk to teacher/principal as well. They need to see the full scope and if you're not telling them about it, they may not know.

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C.D.

answers from Chicago on

I would send a letter to the principal and assistant principal and teacher explaining what you said above and demand that further disciplinary action take place. Make sure you state that you are doing this in your child's best interest. Also mention that if appropriate disciplinary actions do not end this issue then you will be forced to go to the school administration office and school board regarding the issue. They need to know that you will not tolerate bullying and mean serious business. As a school in these unfortunate times of school violence, they should be more proactive and it should not have come to this. But, you will be doing the school and your son a favor by making this issue be resolved. Kuddos to your son for not hitting back and continuing not too even after dad said it was ok. Two wrongs don't make a right. Please tell your son not to hit back or he could get in trouble as well. Tell him to immediately leave a room if that kid comes in and a teacher is not around. Even if his hands aren't dry in the bathroom, just leave and go get a teacher to walk him back and dry his hands. Tell your son, if you haven't already, to use his words and if he sees this kid coming up to him, tell him to say in a louder voice, "no hitting (insert kid's name)". Make sure you talk to the teacher about what your child should do if he is around this child. Is it ok for him to yell or scream to alert a teacher that this child is approaching him and may hit? The teacher needs to talk to all of the kids about what to do if someone is bullying them. Good luck, I know this must be heartbreaking for you and your family.

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P.M.

answers from Chicago on

We had the same problem as well. My son was being pushed around. He didn't tell me at first but for about a week when I would pick him up something was bothering him but he didn't want to say. So when he finally did I tried to tell him to stay away from the bully or tell him that he didn't have to do what this kid said, he was calling him a preschooler because he didn't want to slide down the pole, everyday there was something. When this did not work my husband and I decied to tell him that whatever this other kid did to him to do it back and do it more. If he was pushed, push back and do it harder, etc. My son is not someone who likes to do that. There was an incident where he came home scraped up on his face and neck. I went to the school to talk to the recess teacher to find out what happened and she said she had no idea. So I went to the principal to ask if I could observe at recess time and was told no but the principal said it would be taken care of and thankfully it was. I was so releived. I hope everything works out for your son. Children shouldn't have to deal with this stuff, especially in Kindergarten. That kid sounds awful, I wonder what is happening in his home, he needs help. Good luck to you.

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J.

answers from Chicago on

I would go to the school principal and state that the school has an obligation to keep my son safe, which is not happening. I would demand that the school do something more punishable than time-outs and stickers, which are obviously not helping. I would also demand to meet with the parents of the bully and make it clear that if this reprehensible behavior toward my son does not stop, then legal action will be taken. I do not normally think that legal action involving such young kids is appropriate, but the bully's parents need to be frightened into making their son's violent bahavior stop. There must be something going on at the home of the bully to make this kid act this way - the parents are responsible completely for their child's bahavior. It sounds like the only action that will work is to simply remove the kid from the school. There is no reason for such behavior - period end. I am so sorry to hear that your child is going through this. Good luck.

J.

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