Need Help with Calming My 18 Month Old Girl's Temper Down

Hi W.,

Children at this age don't really understand 'sharing'. I teach a group of three year olds who actively struggle with the concept, so don't worry.:) What I usually recommend is giving your little girl plenty of space to explore the toy she's playing with; when she goes after another child's toy, tell her "Oh, I see Suzy's using that right now, here, you can play with this" and have something as similar as possible in hand to offer to her immediately.

At this age, it's also fine to do a lot of modeling. If she does hit another child, do your best to give that child your attention. "Are you okay?" and then, if it's appropriate, either hold that child (if their parent isn't available) or involve your daughter in making amends. This might mean getting a cold pack, and notice aloud what's happened. "Do you see Suzy's face? She looks very sad. When you hit Suzy, it hurt her." and so on. If your daughter is having a difficult time with other children using desired toys, consider moving your daughter. If she's getting upset because she doesn't want other kids to take her toys, consider letting her play in a pack-and-play where they can't take her toys.

Parenting youngsters takes a lot of intuition and ingenuity in creating safe places/ situations for everyone. As for your being unsure about your role as a mom, let me make it clear that, despite a lot of what's said about how kids at this age can "learn the rules", warnings generally do not work. So the first time the hitting happens, you have to take action. Time out and wholesale removal is less instructive than sitting with her and giving her lots of support. Even three year olds+ have challenges with self-regulation and self-control, so being very present when she is with other children (or giving her a safe place to play on her own where she's happy) is your best bet.

And you're right...she doesn't 'listen' (most early toddlers don't!) , so your actions are going to be more powerful than words. Keep on giving her consolation and empathy when she needs it, and show this to her when other children are hurt (not just when she hurts them, either.) . Your consistently teaching her that everyone's feelings are important will pay off in the long run.

This too will pass--- it just takes them a LOT of time to learn how to share. I know lots of older kids (even 10 years plus) who struggle with it. Remember that she's learning so much right now! Good luck! Sounds like you are already doing a great job of being in touch with your little girl!

This is a frustrating time in a young child's life, and while not desirable, your daughter's behavior is entirely "normal." She sees so many things that she wants but can't have, and things that she wants to try but doesn't yet have the ability, and things she wants to say but doesn't have the language skills. Anger and frustration are normal, and she has very little ability to control her emotions yet. There are creative ways to guide those responses, and it's often possible to prevent the situations in the first place. And it helps a lot to learn tricks and techniques from the experts.

Some of the best methods to use with our "littles" are to keep tempting no-no's out of sight and out of mind; to have a plan for those times when they child desperately wants something that she can't have anyway; to give advance notice when she'll have to stop doing something she wants and move on to another activity; to redirect her attention (this usually works well, because so many things are interesting to her at this age); to restrain her hands calmly and use a positive phrase like "Gentle, please," if she tries to strike, pinch or grab; and most of all, empathize sincerely with what she wants. This last point alone will help transform her experience of the world from a place of mind-boggling frustration and denial to one of feeling cared for and understood.

Look up videos of Dr. Harvey Karp (Happiest Toddler on the Block) interacting with raging toddlers, and interviews with parents for whom his approach has made a positive difference. Here's one to get you started: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&f...

these will help out tons:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

If she is getting aggressive remove her from the situation, you do not want to allow her to hit other children. Right now she does not understand why that is wrong, but she will if you keep removing her from the play area and telling her no. I have no dought she is a good girl, many kids go through this phase.

Guess what? Eighteen months is very young to understand sharing and what belongs to whom. Of course hitting is not acceptable but you are there to make sure that does not happen. We have to be very careful about sharing, would you share your engagement ring with a friend? Think carefully about what we are asking when we promote sharing. As she gets older I feel it is important to have books and toys that are not shared but put away before company arrives...these would be special. Now when it comes to pre-school everyone has access to the toys so it must be taught by then.

It's very common for an 18-month-old child not to listen to you. For that matter, in my experience it's pretty common for a 3 or 4-year-old kid to ignore you as well.

At this age you need to physically remove her and restrain her when she's hitting other children. Tell her "no" and move her away. If you are using time outs, this would be a good time for one. (60-90 seconds is appropriate for this age.) As she gets a bit older and able to understand, you could set up other consequences for hitting a child. (Play-date ends early, toy that you're fighting over goes on the shelf for a day, forgoing a treat, etc.) If there are no consequences, expect the child to continue to not listen. (I'm fighting this one constantly myself.)