Need Help W/ Son's "Obsesssive" Behavior!!

It sounds like you need to completely give up the video games. I would instead look for some physical activity you can do together outside or that he can do with friends.

My son isn't as old as yours, but I'll tell you my perspective as a nanny and an auntie.

Kids around this age do get hooked on topics and a bit, as you say, obsessed. That's kind of a given. Kids who like Star Wars--some of them will go through an "All Star Wars, All The Time" phase, where EVERYTHING is about Star Wars. Or any other topic that a child can 'know' inside and out that they get hooked on. Most of us have seen this as parents of older children, and know that sometimes they just need a lot of coaching at times to let the subject drop.

Contrast this to kids who seem to be *addicted* to video games. (Let me be very clear, by the way, that there are plenty of kids who play and aren't addicted to it, so please don't interpret this to be "they all get addicted playing games, and games are evil.) The behavior of video game addicted kids sure looks like the first description of 'obsession', but the problem is exactly what you are describing-- the crabbiness and duplicity that go along with needing that video game fix.

I've see this behavior in a few children, and it's not pretty. Especially when it's the older kids, who can't function anywhere without the DS. I think the chemicals that the brain releases during the game-playing-- all the good, rewarding chemical messages-- get our kids hooked. They feel powerful, their brain enjoys mastering challenges, and instead of looking for real-world ways to get this same feeling (say, building with blocks or making a fort or solving a puzzle, or playing with a friend), the child begins to turn to the video games. They require less of us socially and can become, even temporarily, our whole world. In my family, one of my sisters has noticed that her sons are less nice to each other (crabbier, bossier, less tolerant of each other) after they play video games than they usually are, and they are being reflective as a family to figure out what that means for them.

The fact that you suggest he might have begun to try manipulating situations so that he can play the games suggests that there is a problem, and this has become too high of a priority for him. I can't tell you what to do (take away the game, make him earn it back--- who knows?) but I will suggest one book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. I think it's wonderful, and it sounds like what you need is a way to talk about this with him. I like this book because we parents know that there are going to be lots of other things to talk about as time goes by.

One idea that just popped up for me, though, was to be scientific about it. Perhaps, let him play for a pre-arranged amount of time, whether that is a half hour every day or just on weekends-- whatever it is, keep track with him of his behavior and the incidents he has on game-playing and non-game playing days. Just for two or three weeks or so. See what sorts of patterns emerge. If you are able to bring all this to his attention in a "this is what I'm seeing--let's find out about it" sort of way, you'll have actual 'data' to examine after a few weeks. Then meet again to make a new plan to help him do better, if need be, or see what sort of corrections need to be made.

Sorry this is so long, but I didn't think I could explain this in any shorter way! I hope someone gives you some ideas. I don't think you need a therapist yet, just limit the screen time and see if this changes things.

I think he needs a total hiatus from video games period. Just tell him you dont like his attitude and since he cant control himself he doesnt get to play any more and every time he asks about playing add another notch on the calender making it longer before he can play again.
I'd take it away for a month to start with.. put it completely up where he cant find it. And each time he asks about it add another week on to the month.
He'll "get it" soon enough.
Or you let him play. I dont know how well he's doing in school or how well he is socially, if he's well rounded you might not need to take it away at all. But from what you've said, I'd yank it if my kid acted like that. He's in a vulnerable phase bordering on addiction to the game.... this is why so many parents that "know" their kids, just say NO to vid games while they are young.
It's a great babysitter, but is it worth losing your kids mind over? I think not.
jmo

I have a 14 year old son, a PS3, a Wii and a DS. I have the same issue with mine. I limit the time he plays and just nod and smile when he rambles on about the games. He does other things also - we play board games, cards, go out and volunteer and do other stuff. But he loves the electronics. When I get really sick of it - or his attitude gets really bad - I just take away the controllers and DS and hold it all until he improves his behavior.

Let's face it - this stuff didn't exist when we were growing up. Part of my problem with it is I just don't see the fun in it. Doesn't mean it is bad or makes bad kids - like everything it needs to be done in moderation. In my house the electronics are a privilege and my son needs to complete chores, do school work, etc. in order to maintain that privilege.

Your son does not need a therapist...his reaction and attraction to electronics is normal for his age. You and hubby need to stick by the rules regarding the games and he will learn that to have that privilege he has to follow the rules.

I know it is annoying and frustrating - but you have rules in place and he will learn to mind those rules. About his talking about the games all the time - he just wants to share his fun with you - just smile and nod, give him a few minutes then change the subject.

My son is the same way with video games. We do limit the amount of time he is allowed to play video games and just like your son, he talks constantly about them. and it drives me crazy. I think the rude behavior is normal for a kid who doesn't get what he wants. When my son does that, I take something away, usually I don't let him play video games for a certain number of days. I would also suggest helping your son find a hobby he enjoys so he will not focus so much on video games. My son started reading and also takes ceramics classes and cake decorating classes. He still talks my ear off about whatever he is doing but I know he's just excited about it and he wants me to be excited too.

My son is almost 5 & loves the games too. We limit also. I let him play daily, but only after chores & school work is done (I have him do school type work daily) anyway, I set a timer & if I get attitude at any time about having to stop playing, then he looses the games for a week & if he throws a fit about that, then games get removed for a month or more depending on how rude he chose to be. We don't get much guff about it anymore, but he still talks about it quite a bit. :) It is a luxury....don't hesitate about stopping its use...the discipline is more important.

I think you are doing the right thing by restricting his gaming time.

And boys in particular can become pretty obsessive about video games. So you're not alone. They can also become agitated when removed from them. I have noticed these behaviors in my two otherwise normal, successful boys.

Just keep restrictions on them as you have been doing, and make sure he is involved in other things.

It sounds as if you are really moderating the amount of time your son plays which is good. I don't really see the problem as being how much he likes or talks about 'his games' but rather his anger and rudeness when he cannot play. So, that being said, at age 8 he is old enough to understand consequences to rude behavior. My suggestion is to put game time in writing. Perhaps get a small dry erase board, they have blank calendar ones. Sit down with your son and pencil in the days and times he's allowed to play. Then let him know if he's rude about not being allowed to play, he will lose the next time. For example, he is permitted 30 min on a Friday night and when his time is up, he gets rude. He would then lose the hour time for Saturday. Have the dry erase board hung in his room perhaps (or I like the ones that magnetic to the fridge). Have him ERASE the next day's play time. As with all discipline with children, however, it's vital you are consistent with whatever method you use. Good luck.

Hi M.,
It does sound like your son can get pretty manipulative in trying to get his way to play video games.

If you are ok with him still playing video games on your schedule, and don't want to take them away all together, then maybe try something really black-and-white to control the behavior around it (rudeness).

Something in the line where he starts the day with 2 "points" -- they can be paper stars, colored cards, or whatever you choose. Every time he shows rude behavior you take away one of his "points."

Never "threaten" to take them, just take them with the behavior you don't like.

When his points are gone, so is his gaming time.
(?)
Good luck!
t

Perhaps he is a little obsessed with it but I think a lot of boys and girls are. I know my kids love to play on the wii and ipod. Have you tried taking it away for one weekend. See how his behavior is without it at all. Maybe try a reward system that he has to be good and not ask to play for x number of days before he can play. I know it might be hard especially since it is winter and he is stuck inside more. Good luck.

TI sounds like you may need to find a "winter" activity for him to replace some of the video playing. One mom mentioned ceramics maybe even cooking classes may be a great idea. Something that he could like and that would give him something else to think about. If you live near any museums? I know my son gets a little obsessive about video games but I have also seen him get that way with anything he really likes. Right now he is reading books about the Red Baron. There are hobby stores near most metropolitan areas. Maybe he can find something there. Or maybe he would like planes, cars, etc. Find him something else to get interested in. Instead of taking him to a counselor maybe you and your husband should talk to one just to talk about your son's behavior to see what he thinks.

I don't think he sounds obsessed, just enjoys gaming, which a lot of kids do. Not all teachers/educators/researchers even agree that gaming is bad. In fact, I watched a presentation about how concepts of gaming could be incorporated into teaching methods in school because so many boys are falling behind or failing in school now. The competitiveness, reward systems, and increasing levels of challenge fit a boy's motivation and style of learning. I do agree there needs to be limits set to gaming and a variety of activities in a child's day, but gaming is not always bad.

Maybe you could channel some of that intense interest into other aspects of technology. I have two nephews, now 13 and 15, who love gaming, but also have learned programming languages and developed software systems, set up computer networks in their house, and have built new computers from spare parts!

i don't think he's obsessive it just sounds like he's bored and that's why he wants to play all the time. and if it's something he likes then of course he'll be talking about it. same as if he reads a book or something at school. i have a 4 yr old and he LOVES mario and spongebob. he asks me ?'s about them and draws them all the time and walks around singing their music and will play toys and pretend to be them. he and his sister (6) will play what they call "mario real". i was also limiting their screen time (or game time) but then i would let them play whenever they wanted and they played for a few hours a day for a while (mostly son) and then he just stopped. he got used to the game and got "bored" with it. now he only plays every once in a while in the car on long drives and maybe once or twice a week.

I think hes just being a kid. I don't think he needs therapy. Maybe you could ask him why hes being rude when he can't play his games.

I know its winter but is there some kind of indoor sport or gymnastics or something you could get him involved in. Maybe hes just bored and thats all he has to talk about.

This might not be the advice you are looking for, but here it goes...

What about letting him play it whenever he wants for awhile and see how it goes? He obviously really likes it, that is why he is yanking about it all the time and bugging you to play.

~I do not limit my kids playing time. We have a Wii, an XBOX 360, DS's, computers, etc...of course at first (maybe the first week or two) of getting the new 'game' they would over due it and we would remind them they had been playing it for awhile, but eventually the newness and the awe wares off and none of my kids are addicted or sit and play for hours everyday...they are over it, they were allowed to "obsess" over it and it is out of their systems. IMO, gaming games are just like other toys, you know when your kid gets a new toy they really want, it's their favorite for awhile but then eventually the newness wares off and they are on to the next
thing.

*Maybe you are prolonging the "newness" by limiting his time with it? IDK? Just a thought.