Need Help on to Get My 3Yr Old Son to Play by Himself

It is like having an only child- w/ no one in close in age. I have an only 5 year old and went through the same thing w/him. He always still wants my undue attention. Now at 5 he is old enough to understand that- mommy can have a little time to do something too and he can do a little playing, coloring on his own. At age 3-4; they do not understand and you cannot reason w/ him. I would get my 4 year old involved in cooking and cleaning with me. I would hand him a rag and help me dust, or wash safe dishes (no knives), or help me cook etc. We would put on music and have a great time w/ household activities. Him getting involved in activities would buy me time to catch up on household work. Keep in mind this time never comes back and cherish every moment of it. He is more impt than household work. It is okay let go of it and play with him too..

You might need to work up in increments of time(5 min) and invest in a timer. My oldest was like that also, I hated it because it was an ordeal just to make a meal, Try sitting him @ the table or somewhere he can see you and set the timer, I bought a ton of stickers and paper and he liked that 4 a while, play dough, water color something. It took a bit but I had to stay firm, Good Luck

Hi A.,
I'm actually an early childhood professional, and work in the field 40 hours a week. I have two children of my own, 7 and 2. Although I haven't had this particular situation with my own, hopefully I can make some suggestions that may help you. You had asked about toys that are fun to play with by yourself, and truely, any toy can be independent. Try laying out two different toys and giving your son a timer so that can see the minutes counting. Set the timer for 15 minutes, and let him know that when the timer beeps, he can show you what he has made or explain to you what he has been playing. He will still have that sense of involving you, but you can fold a load of laundry while he plays. Let him know that if he can wait until the beeper goes off, he can have one m & m also. Sometimes the little rewards work well. You can slowly increase the time by a minute every day until he is playing happily, and will become more of a self-motivator. Good luck, and happy parenting!
N.

Try getting him started on a game or with some toys by playing with him for the first minutes then get up and go about your work. I did that with my son and pretty soon he started to play on his own.

A., they grow up so fast. You'll look around and you will want this time back. Take deep breaths determined to enjoy him; not endure him. Sometimes if we change how our perspective it helps. This may be a lesson in developing your patience for something else in life. Use this for your development in parenting, creativity.

He'll be 4 and soon out the door to pre-school. Which is good for interaction with other children prior to kindergarten. May help. Also, do you know any other mother's with children your son's age? Set up play dates to start his socialization with other children...and back away slowly; still monitoring but perhaps out of his sight.

His wanting to help out is not a bad thing. Everything children need to learn as a basic is learned between 2 -5 years old. Girl, lay your foundation with him and praise his helping mommy - smile be blessed-True H.

Hi A. - Been there! It could be a seperation thing more than anything else. My sonwas like this for a while, but we nipped it quick. Get creative! He needs indepedance as much as he needs you, so it helps if you let him think it is his idea. Start with small things like he can read a book or do a puzzle on the floor while you read a magazine on the couch. Do this for a week then move a little furth away, ie - he can pick out a few toys to play with while you do the dishes AND if he plays quietly be himself, you will join him when you are done. Also try - This was my son's fave - tool kit. It helped him thinking he was helping us...miraculously a chair would need fixed or a drawer would be stuck and I would ask him to fix it while I was busy with something, he worked so hard "tightening all the screws" hehe - when I was done I made such a fuss...Oh my goodness look at what a great job, etc. You know...Hope this helps some, Good luck!

My insite would be that he is not getting enough one on one attention from mom and dad especially. Maybe if each of you would start to take say 30 minutes a day just to play with him, alone, no phone calls, no interruptions in anyway. Get down on the floor and play, read to him, or just color with him. Then when Dad gets home if he could do the same this would help with his "need" to be involved with mommy and daddy. Also, I would encourage his older brother or sister to do the same would also make a big difference. As I see it, he feels left out. He cannot interact as your older children and therefore will be demanding for your time. Let him know he is important and let him help out with whatever it is you are doing. Let him sit next to you while you fold clothes and give him his own little stack to fold. Let him help with the dishes. Sure he will make a mess, but remember -- -- he won't be little very much longer. He wants attention and will try to get it anyway he can. Show him love and patience and he will one day be more independant.

A.,

Are you worried about anything else in his development? If you are not, and this is just driving you crazy then ignore this suggestion, no need to worry about nothing!

If he is playing with other children and using his imagination, great! If he prefers to play with you (adults) and has difficulty with pretend play with other children too, you might want to have a frank talk with your pediatircian about some developmental screens. Our oldest was like this, and she has asperger syndrome (autistic spectrum) and she was dependent on us to entertain her because she had very little imagination. Age 3 is a common time for parents to start seeing little things that make them say, hmmmm...the first time we had her evaluated at age 7, there were all these little red flags that we missed because we did not know to put them all together.

M.

Hi A.!

I know you mentioned that you work part-time, but I was wondering where your son is when you're at work? Does he go to a daycare or does dad or the grandparents watch him? If it's the latter, I would think he might need some kids his own age to play with. At this age, kids are becoming more aware of themselves and the social world around them. My son is 3 but can play alone at any time. There are times when he wants me to join in and there are times that he wants to help me do whatever chore I might be doing. I work full time so my son goes to daycare full time and I think it's very beneficial to him. Especially since he will be starting preschool this fall. I know paying for daycare so your son can be social is ridiculous, but maybe you could join a mom's group in your area. Your son could possibly start a friendship with someone he would eventually go to school with:)
Good Luck!

A.,
I have a 3 year old daughter and I have found success in a kitchen timer. We use it mainly at bedtime to wind down before actually turning off the lights but I was thinking that you could probably set the timer for your son and tell him, "when the bells rings (I wouldn't get the digital kind but the other kind - you can hear it "tick") then Mommy or Daddy will come and play with you". I would start out maybe at 10 minutes (or 5 minutes if you think 10 is too long) and then work your way up to a longer period of time and maybe eventually wean him off the timer for good. Just a thought! Good luck!

We had trouble with our son when he was younger (he'll be 4 next week). He always wanted us to play with him or tell him what to play with next. I don't think it's a neglect issue at all. Kids will take all the attention we'll give them, so if we let them, they'll ask for it all the time. I work second shift, and my husband works first, so he is actually the one to figure this method out, but it works great. When we need down time for cooking or cleaning or whatever, we send our kids (our daughter is 2) to play in their rooms. They can play alone or together. Often, it is my son alone after his sister has gone to bed. There are several toys, books and puzzles in his room he can play with. It took a little while of whining to get him to do it (and several attempts), but eventually he started playing in his room for an hour or so - without asking to come out! Now, we can entertain visitors and he will play in his room if we want to just sit and talk. It's really great. The toys he likes best are trucks or tractors, his Leap Pad, and a magnadoodle. We have an old laptop that we let him play on pbskids.org, playhousedisney.com, or nickjr.com. Often, he'll play with some random small toy or piece of toy and make up a story to go along with it. I think sort of forcing him to play by himself has really helped his imagination.

If you want him within view, playdough is a great option. I make my own because it's pretty easy and the original stuff dried out. I kept the old containers and refill it with homemade stuff. You can find recipes on the internet. I set my kids up at the kitchen table with playdough and random kitchen stuff like spoons, cookie cutters, plastic cups, etc. and let them go. They can play for a good 1/2 hour this way.

I hope this helps!

My son is a lot like that, and I can understand he gets bored, he's an only child. And he likes to help too, he calls himself the "Chef" and the "Toastmaster" because he loves to help out with stuff in the kitchen. And as you said it makes things go so much slower for mom.

He's a very artistic kid. If you sit him down with play-dough, crayons, markers, paint, moon sand, you name it and he will create something with it. So a lot of times if I'm trying to accomplish something and I ask him to draw mommy a pretty picture, he's happy to oblige. I realize at just 3 your son might not be 100% trustworthy with markers, hopefully he doesn't eat crayons, but Color Wonder makes finger paints and of course the color wonder markers and paper.

You could also get some legos and ask him to build something, I just bought Matthew this $20 set at walmart, its a 400 piece lego/other cool stuff combo thing for his birthday and he loves it, he'll sit and build for longer than just about anything else short of coloring. So I hope those ideas might help a little, more than anything he will grow out of it!

Hi A.,
My son was a lot like that too, until we introduced him to the wonderful world of computer games. We started out with simple games that don't require reading and he quickly got the hang of it. By time he was 4 he knew how to properly turn off the computer and turn it on, put in the CD and play. My son also once enjoyed cleaning with me, but I discouraged that because his idea of cleaning took a lot longer and sometimes created even more of a mess, but now he hates cleaning. I really wish I didn't stop him from being mommy's little helper. Now he's 12 and getting his room cleaned is always a battle. The good news is he is already writing computer programs.

I wish you luck.

Have the older children spend some time with him whether they like it or not. They can take turns. Maybe there can be some kind of reward system but it is also a lesson to be learned for them. It teaches responsibility and gives them the opportunity to learn if they should ever want to earn money for babysitting for someone else. They are part of this family and should take part in some of work load.

My 3 year old is HOOKED on the computer....I set up icons on the screen, 1 with Noggin.com (which is a picture of himself as the icon), 1 with a STAR as the icon with will take him to PBSkids.com and 1 with a D that will take him to Playhouse Disney......the websites are great, educational and keep him busy forever....it's nice to have a break now and again....it only took me a few times to explain how to click and double click....etc...I started by putting my finger over his finger so he would feel how I click the mouse.....now he wants to do it by himself. If your son then whines for you to help him, just tell him if he wants on the computer he has to go on it himself.....and believe me, he will!!! You might have to run over and help every once in awhile, but at that age they get sucked in and like to play the same games over and over.... Hope this helps!

My 4 year old (almost 5!) is the same way. I've tried video games and such also, like v-smile, but he isn't into them, and therefore does it for like 3 minutes alone. I adventually just walk away and say I have things I have to do and you have to find something else to do. If you can't, lay down in your bed. He has some toys in his room, so he will normally lay down in his bed and then get up and start playing on his own. We also have some toys in the basement, and sometimes I will turn on the radio or tv down there for noise and let him play. He LOVES music. He sings and dances to his favorite CD's for a long time. I also give him time frames, like I have to switch the laundry and do the dishes, when I'm done we can play Uno. Until I am finished you need to go find something to do, if you can't you are always welcome to lay in bed or stare at the wall. (Ok so this sounds sooo much worse typed out lol, but really he doesn't ever lay in bed or stare at a wall for longer than 2 mintues before he finds something else to do). My sons an only child...there are no backups or anyone to entertain. And he spends LOTS of time with Grandparents and great grandparents who when around play with him non-stop and give him no time alone.

Hi A....
I am a 41 yo mother of one....and I say one b/c even though you have 2 other kids, they are
older. They don't play with your son. Having one is hard work. My daughter wants my attention all the time.
It's very important for her to play with other children, including her nieces and nephews so
she has time away from me and can bond with others. She loves it and it wears her out!
(By the way, she's 22 months old).

It sounds (to me) like your son NEEDS more attention.He's obviously asking for something he feels he's not getting. He sounds smart. Even though I'm sure he gets a lot of attention he might sense it's "tired" attention or overwhelmed attention. Maybe a one on one special moment and less long exhausted (half the energy) attention.

PS, I've had to teach my daughter early that I can't always hold or play with her. I am a stay at home mom who loves it, but I need to shower or whatever. I put her in her crib early on so she'd learn to enjoy playing alone for 25 minutes so I can shower. She LOVES it and loves her alone time. It's part of her routine, and trust me, I'm not huge routine person. Just bedtime routines..

Good luck, L.

I love the idea of rotating toys. Maybe put some toys away in the garage or basement and limit the amount of things he has to choose from. It seems like they get overwhelmed sometimes by too many toys. Does he like to play with blocks and legos? We just bought our 4 year old Lincoln Logs and he absolutely loves them! We started off showing him how and played with him for a little while. Now he will sit for a long time and build by himself.
God bless,
B.

In this case, computer games are good, and they teach focus.
I suggest:
www.pbskids.org
www.playhousedisney.com

any of the reader rabbit preschool, toddler, or kindergarten cds, if you have a computer. Good luck.
PS, don't forget preschool.

I think it's the age...my 4 yr old doesn't like to play by himself either and loves to help us. One thing he will play by himself is the hand held leapters...he loves the cars video game and his older brother likes to help him and play with him when he isn't in school. Something else would be like the V-smile games. Our sons started with them when they were 3. It is something that they can play with by themselves or with someone else...so when you have the time to play with him you can. Good Luck.

get him around other kids. A daycare or neighborhood kids or if you have a friend that has young children. I have a nephew that does the same thing and it is very exhausting when i have him overnight. He needs to aquire social skills with his peers especially now before he enters kindergarden. Even if you just put him in daycare for a few hours a day would help him and give you some time to get your stuff done (and give you a break!)

PLEASE do not use the computer as a babysitter. I totally disagree with that. I did that with my youngest(10) and boy was that a mistake. Kids need physical and intellectual stimulation. I agree with the one woman about getting your older kids involved. The older kids will learn discipline and a little about what it takes to be a parent. Maybe they'll be in a situstion in the future where they will appreciate waiting to have kids. I have 3 other children besides my youngest and they have always helped. That is what being a part of a family is all about. WHy do you think there are still some families having 4+ kids. You can't describe all the things you learn in an environment like that (number one: being less selfish). I don't know why parents are afraid to ask their kids to take responsibility. How do you expect them to become adults?

My daughter will be three in June and wouldn't play with her toys on her own either. She wanted to "help" with housework also. We came up with a couple of things she could do. We gave her a Swiffer duster to help dust, got her a cordless vacuum (Eureka cordless Quick-Up from Target for under $40) and when we finish washing the dishes, we let her wash a couple of non-breakable ones that have already been washed. My mom always told me that if a child wants to help clean, show them how and give them something that actually works! My daughter loves this and even my nephew loves to vacuum when he comes over. She now plays more with her toys, but this helped us a lot.