Need Help! NB Baby Won't Sleep W/out ME!

It's possible he just likes to be cuddled...For 9 months he was getting a hug 24/7. Now he only gets one when he is held. Try swaddling him in a blanket when you put him to sleep. Then he'll get the same sensation as a good cuddle/hug and you can still put him to sleep on his back. He's not old enough to roll, so you shouldn't worry too much about that. You can even leave one or both arms out of the "swaddle" depending on how he responds. Sometimes leaving their arms out frustrate them depending on how coordinated they are. Try it for a few nights and see what happens.

The best sdvise I ever got on this was from my neighbors. Their little boy died from SIDS when he was 24 months old. Once I was talking about my daughter not sleeping by herself, they told me not to worry about it, enjoy it now because they don't sleep with you forever. I said yes but what if she is still in bed with us when she is five, they said what is five years, it goes so quickly.

It sounds like it's normal middle of the night wakings. Since you don't need him in bed, why don't you try moving him to another room. That will give him a couple of minutes to fuss and learn to put himself back to sleep before mommy comes to the rescue. Which is ok for you to rescue in the middle of the night! He's only 8 weeks old. :)

PS I just had to add a few links due to the responses suggesting Baby Wise and Ferber:
So many health professionals are deeply concerned about the dangerous advice in Baby Wise that there are brochures
http://www.ezzo.info/trifoldbrochure.pdf
and websites
http://www.ezzo.info/feeding.htm
http://aapnews.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/1...
to warn parents about the dangers.
As for Ferber, he has backtracked on his original advice, and you can find that article here:
http://chevychasepace.blogspot.com/2005/11/ferber-retract...
as well as other links to why babies should NOT 'cry it out'.
There are both emotional and physiological reasons why leaving babies to cry it out is a bad idea, which you can find here:
http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/bonding/connec...
Try looking at this from your baby's limited perspective. The only existence he's known is the climate controlled environment of YOUR BODY. Suddenly, he's alone, he can't keep himself warm, he doesn't have the rhythm of your heart, he's learning to regulate his breathing, and the one survival instinct he's born with is to stay close to his food source. The reason that the shirt trick is suggested is babies are programed to smell mommy. Within minutes of birth, if breast pads with mothers milk are laid on either side of a baby, he will turn toward his mother's!
Safe co-sleeping is not a danger to baby. It is the way we were designed to parent, and the way the rest of the world (with lower, and in some cases nearly non-existent, incidences of SIDS) does it. http://www.babyreference.com/Cosleeping&SIDSFactSheet...
Having said that, safe co-sleeping requires common sense. No water beds, no beds near walls, no overly heavy comforters, no smokers in the bed, no one drunk in bed, etc.
As for it being a 'bad habit to break'; personally, if my husband goes on a business trip, I don't sleep well. I'm used to him keeping the bed warm and holding me. Why wouldn't babies/children prefer the safety of their parent's bed too? They are small and vulnerable. However, they exert their independence when they are developmentally ready, and one of those ways is that they want to sleep in a 'big bed' eventually. I swear, they won't want to take you to college with them!
Here's how co-sleeping looked at our house:
We co-slept with our dau. I was more concerned that there would be a fire or break-in or something and I wouldn't be able to get to her. Plus, MY body craved her nearness. My arms wanted to hold her and my breasts needed her to eat!
By toddler age, she had her own room set up, with age appropriate bedding, and she hadn't been actually IN our bed for awhile. By the time she was about 12-18 months old, she slept like a bucket of frogs, so she was in a futon BY our bed. She could sleep in her own bed anytime she wished, and we always asked.
Some times she would start out there, but end up next to us. Just like with breastfeeding, there is no trauma if the transition is child led (not child DICTATED...there is a difference!) per their developmental stage. Eventually, more nights were spent in her own room, and she was there all night. When we moved, she wanted to sleep with us again for awhile (she was about 5, but that makes sense if you think about it...she needed to get used to the new space with the security of us there) and we let her. (Again, NEXT to the bed to avoid injury to the parental units. She still sleeps like that and frankly I'm concerned for her future husband.)
She always knew she COULD sleep near us, so we never had sleep issues. No nightmares for her, no sleepless nights for us.
The only problem is we got harassed by people who didn't understand co-sleeping, like my husband's parents of the 'let them cry it out and self-sooth' ilk, as if THAT isn't a contradictory statement! Or the people who wondered when we'd have sex if we co-slept. (As if the bed at night is the only place for sex! No imagination, I swear!) Frankly, my bed was, and is, my sanctuary. By the time night came and I crawled in, all I wanted to do was sleep! That said, I've been with my husband 23 years, and our sex life if just fine, thank you very much. I will admit we had to be creative for a few years, but I don't regret it at all. Knowing my dau never once felt insecure or unsafe was worth it.
K. Wildner
www.fearlessbirthing.blogspot.com
PS I just had to add a few links due to the responses suggesting Baby Wise and Ferber:
So many health professionals are deeply concerned about the dangerous advice in Baby Wise that there are brochures
http://www.ezzo.info/trifoldbrochure.pdf
and websites
http://www.ezzo.info/feeding.htm
http://aapnews.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/1...
to warn parents about the dangers.
As for Ferber, he has backtracked on his original advice, and you can find that article here:
http://chevychasepace.blogspot.com/2005/11/ferber-retract...
as well as other links to why babies should NOT 'cry it out'.
There are both emotional and physiological reasons why leaving babies to cry it out is a bad idea, which you can find here:
http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/bonding/connec...

Dear K.,

Please get some rest and don't sleep with your baby. You are right to be VERY concerned about him in your bed. Many children have been suffocated while sleeping with their parents, and what heartache that causes to the parents is completely understandable, and preventable!! My suggestion is to get a rocking chair, one you won't fall asleep in and just hold your baby boy and rock until he falls gently back to sleep and then you put him back in his bassinet and go back to bed. It totally interrupts your night, BUT is safer for both of you. He also may outgrow this stage. Have you tried just putting your hand in his bassinet and laying it by him? Hold his tiny hand? If you don't work or have to get up in the morning the rocking is really good because you get some special time with him. My daughter had times when she wanted to get up and play play play in the middle of the night and that was really hard. I never gave in to her yearn to play at night. I would just lay her back down, tell her it is night time and time to sleep and give her her pacifier and tuck her back in, kisses and hugs and all and head back to bed. She was about 8 months old then. Hope that helped.

V.

Our first child slept in her own room, in her own bed. When she woke up during the night, we either rocked her or patted her back until she went back to sleep. It was exhausting, getting up multiple times during the night to run through this. With children #2-4, we laid them in a bassinette next to our bed when they went to sleep at night. When they awoke during the night, we brought them into bed with us. My husband wasn't really excited about that, but then discovered that all 3 of us got more sleep that way, & weren't so exhausted! Your mothering instinct will keep you from rolling on your baby. Studies have found that babies that sleep in the family bed actually have a LOWER incidence of SIDS. They theororize it's because they hear the parents breathing, & that is usually enough stimulus to keep them breathing. As the babies got older & better at soothing themselves, the time in our bed decreased, until they eventually slept all night in their own.
Remember that your son spent over 9 months inside of you, hearing your heartbeat, breathing, & voice. Newborns instinctively recognize the smell of their own mother. He misses you! He needs the comfort of being close to you, hearing you & smelling you! Satisfying those needs for him are important for his emotional development, and will make him a more confident, trusting, outgoing, empathetic, & calm child. Isn't a little discomfort on your part now worth it?

Have you tried swaddling him? My first daughter had a very strong startle reflex, and whenever she was in her bassinette she would startle, and wake up and scream. Swaddling her helped with that. You can do it with a normal blanket, or buy one of those special swaddling blankets.
And yes, your hubby is right, once they are used to sleeping with you, it is almost impossible to break them of the habit. It took me a very long time to get my 15 month old out of my bed, and he still wakes up about 4 or 5 in the morning to be nursed and cuddled in my bed.

Wow!! I just read all your responses, I would defintely agree with the swaddling. My sister just had a baby she is two weeks old and she found with breast feeding it seems the baby does not want to be put down for very long with out being held. She finally swaddling her baby she did much better also she would put the baby in her bassinet and it didnt work either finally I said" put her in the car seat and see how she does and have her right by your bed. I had to do that also with my two kids, there snuggled in, it works!!!

I hope this might help, My sisters baby sleeps like an angel right now.

T. H.

Break the habit now!!!! There are a lot of good books out about sleep and crying it out....Ferber is the best I think. He just wants to snuggle with you and it is costing you too much sleep. I would suggest crying it out, or if you aren't comfortable with that....hold him a few minutes in his room and put him down again, the next night....then stand by his crib, then stand by the door or just pat him for a minute, etc, to reduce the contact over time. But you can't give in once you start, so you will probably get less sleep for a few nights, but more in the long run.

Have you tried swaddling him? We found this to be an excellent sollution with our son (now 12 months)...he would sleep very well all bundled up. You can purchase a special "swaddler" or just use a receiving blanket (we found knit ones that will stretch a bit to be better than the classic flannel receiving blankets, they don't have much stretch...). The key is to swaddle them tight (not too tight, obviously!) and re-create the environment of your womb...that way he will feel snuggly, safe and warm - hopefully all night long. You are correct in your instinct that it is not safe to sleep with your baby; most pediatricians will recommend against it; the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) warns parents not to place their infants to sleep in adult beds, stating that the practice puts babies at risk of suffocation and strangulation, and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) is in agreement with the CPSC. I hope this helps, good luck!

The baby spent 9 months listening to your heartbeat and needing to feel close to you. There are toys with heartbeats that you can put in the crib and they can hear- that often sooths the baby, I have even heard of using a old fashion noisy clock that ticks... its just that soothing sound of moms heart beat, her smell, her warmth... I would suggest swaddling with the shirt and getting something with a heart beat.
The swing can also be a great idea since the baby was used to your walking around all the time, those movements can be a real comfort.
I know a lot of people are not fans of it but I really found a lot of help from the book on Becoming Babywise. Good luck

You could try a couple of different things. I have had 3 babies and each was very different!! My first slept without me at a week old because I let her cry herself to sleep a little at a time. The first couple of nights were really difficult, but it was worth it when I got to get some rest myself. My little guy, who's now 16 months old, wouldn't sleep without me til just a couple of weeks ago. I welcomed it this time around. I figured there was something he needed more than I needed my sleep and I was extremely careful not to roll over on him. While I don't think my husband enjoyed the sleeping arrangement, he understood our child's need, and dealt with it the same way I did. Letting our baby get the closeness he desired, made the transfer to his own bed so much easier. He knew when he was ready, and did it on his own. No one child is like another, and understanding your own child's needs will help you make the best decision.

I do not recommend putting your baby in bed with you, due to the fears you have. You may fall into a deep sleep and roll over on him. He is to small to wiggle himself out of that situation. Babies his age do not have " learned behaviors", meaning he does not realize that you will get him if he coos and cries at night. Get up and make sure he does not need anything and leave him in his crib. He will eventually fall back to sleep. If the situation continues check on him about every ten minutes or so, just to make sure the diaper is still dry etc.It may take a few night of him cryig a little,(I know this part is the most difficult) but hang in there.He is transitiong from a very controlled environment, this is all new to him. Good luck.

I too have a similar problem but my 8 week old daughter won't sleep in the bassinet period. We tried elevating the end, putting my shirt in there with her, putting blankets on either side to make her feel more confined and swaddling her too. We have ended up with a child that sleeps in the swing. She seems to have a hard time breathing when she lays flat in the bassinet. Maybe you could try some of the other things that we tried to get him to sleep better. One suggestion though is if he will go back to sleep--you stay up in the rocking chair with him until he does and then lay him gently back into his bed. What ever you do, keep trying because I agree that having a child sleeping with you is a hard habit to break. Good luck.

Are you swaddling your baby? Sometimes when babies are waking and not hungry or wet, they don't know how to self sooth to get back to sleep. They still like the feeling of security swaddling gives them. This is probably why he likes to be in your arms after waking. Try swaddling him before taking him to bed with you.
A little about me: Mom of four and child care provider for 11 years.

The book "Baby Wise" has been a lifesaver for me. It helps you help your child get on a good schedule. By about 8 weeks they are sleeping through the night. I used it for both of my girls. I love this book. they might have it at the library if you don't want to buy it, but I think it's only $14 or so... good luck!

Hello, just wanted to offer this idea, newborns are used to being in a tight and warm place, and also listening to your heartbeat, if you live near a wal-mart or even a target store, i just bought my sis-in-law a teddy bear that is found in the baby section, that velcrose onto the crib or pack and play and has a "heartbeating" noise inside the bear, try that. Also good luck, don't expect a good nights sleep for many years, i have a 7 year old that has bad dreams and needs my attention at night-yikes. Gina h. Hibbing, mn

have you trid swaddling him tight, my little boy wouldn't sleep well at night unless he was as tight as a bug, and then i did the same with our little girl and my husband figured out she needed her arms free. Good luck on figureing it out. You could try sleeping with a recieving blanket and then swaddling him with it, that might make the smell more prominent. I know the smell does work and I know you've already tried it too. Good luck!

I sleep with my baby and we all love it. My partner did not like the idea at first and now he can't imagine our son sleeping by himself. I don't blame your little guy, how sweet!! I know for myself I wake up as soon as he wakes up. I think it's our instincts. I have read that sleeping with your baby actually can prevent SIDS because of being next to you and your heartbeat/breathing(as long as no one is intoxicated or on prescription drugs. Also, you are right there to know if something is not right. I think when he is old enough and feels he is ready to sleep by himself and in his own room he will let us know. I just think about how secure he will feel. Good luck to you!

Have you seen the co-sleeper systems. They attach to your bed but you still have your bed to yourself. Then baby is safe but still with you. I found it better than a bassinet because then I didn't have to get up for feedings just roll over and get the baby. When he fell back to sleep I could just put him back and never had to leave my bed. There also these things that look like a change table pad that go in between you and your husband so that baby can be in bed with you but without the fear of rolling on them. Might be something to check into. To reassure you, you can't spoil a baby at this age. If he wakes its for a reason, be it food, changing or just comfort. As for not wanting to make your daughter jealous, I think it might be too late for that, you brought home a little bundle that takes up all your time for the next little while, she is going to be jealous no matter what you do. Set you boundaries with her and help her understand that you did the same things with her when she was that small. Its hard no matter how you look at it, but just remember its only for a short time. Its gets better and its all worth it in the end.

S.,
SAHM of 4 boys.

Hi K.,
I have an 11-week old and had the same problem for the first 8 weeks. She wouldn't sleep in the bassinet so I had her in bed. (my husband went to sleep in the guestroom) I also had the same worries that she would be sleeping in the bed until she was twelve. But at week eight, I put her back in the bassinet and it was fine. She still does some fussing (not hungry or needing a diaper) but I don't put her in the bed. I could be that your baby is in a phase but in a couple weeks you can transition him back to the bassinet. Good luck!

My husband and I had this problem with our youngest, we have 4 children, and we found that if we rolled up a receiving blanket and placed it either behind her or infront of her it helped. She was and still is a side sleeper so we think it was the feeling of being snuggled. Wrapping her firmly also helped. Not sure if this will work for you or even if I explained it well, but good luck! I know it's hard!

I agree w/ Kim .W., I have co-slept w/ all 7 of mine and it is great, but it is great becuase I get more sleep then if I don't. My youngest is know 17 months and puts himself to sleep, no crying, no fussing, nothing, this only works becuase I laid him next to me but didn't sooth him to sleep he would just fall asleep knowing I was there, and over time he could just do it on his own. He like to sleep on the couch, so that is where I let him fall asleep then move him to his bed, I still get up to give him a bottle at night, but he goes righ back to sleep. I know he shouldn't have a bottle anymore but I suck when it comes to breaking the habit, I can potty train by 2 but can't take a bottle away....:). Do what is right in your heart, if you really don't want him in your bed then you are going to have to deal w/ some crying, there is no way around it, I can not do it so I don't. Swaddle, place blankets around him (rolled), some white noise, a radio even a ticking clock can help. Good luck, and remember your baby is only 8 weeks old, what a scary world they enter.

I just want to add that children who co-sleep are in no more danger then children who are put into cribs and that the number of instance were there has been injury to a child are do to parent negligence, The instance of SID's is also lower in children who co-sleep with thier parents, many country's co-sleep and not just 3rd world country's, and statistically injury to a child is the same as ours where we put our children into cribs, a crib is not nesacarally(sp) the safest place to but a child, I know a lot of people think other wise but the statistics are out there, I have been looking into it for 2 days know cause I get tired of hearing how dangerous it is. Do what is RIGHT for you, and whatever way you go make sure you have all of the information.

I was afraid of rolling over on my daughter as well. She is three going on four now...but I bought a nice bouncer and she slept in that for the first few months. I swaddled her really tight and bounced her to sleep in the bouncer and I started being able to get some sleep. Swaddling tight makes baby feel like they are being held and then being snug in the bouncer it gives you two free arms and maybe some rest! I hope this helps.

You are right in believing that sharing the bed with baby will be a hard habit to break. Sharing the bed is not good for you and your husband, this probably interrupts his sleep too as well as your valuable time alone as a couple. There is NOTHING WRONG with checking on your child, changing his diaper to make sure he is comfortable, trying to feed him(8wks is young to go all night without a feeding) and briefly holding him...but then he may need to cry a little before falling asleep. As he gets older this ability to self soothe is very important...without it he may always have difficulty sleeping or the tendency to wake and not fall asleep. Sometimes crying itself is soothing in a way and leads to sleep...how long have you let him cry? If he is hungry but drowsy enough to fall back asleep, you may need to rouse him a bit(changing the diaper will do this) to get him ready to nurse or take a bottle. I also found that sleeping on their back while touted as safe, is not always the most comfortable. special cushion devices to allow the baby to securely sleep on their side exist. And as soon as he could, my own son preferred being on his tummy. Is this an issue with digestion/positioning to allieviate gas or discomfort? Too much food right before laying down?? Look at all the possibilities.
But when you think you know why he is waking, just try to establish a ROUTINE to address his needs, and then put him back to sleep. He will begin to expect any routine you set and he'll respond.

K. ~ I had the same problem with my now 7 year old but when he was a baby he wanted to sleep with me too. I was told by the doctor that if I turned a radio on very low and put it under the bassinette or crib that would help and it did because he was use to the noisy nursery at the hospital also wrapping them in their blanket helps (like they did in the hospital) because it is the closeness that helps make them feel secure. Good luck.

SIDS is actually reduced by sleeping with mom. As long as you haven't been drinking, if you roll on baby, he'll let you know. amazingly, if you can fall asleep, your body will be aware of him. we didn't plan on cosleeping, but when my baby refused to sleep on he back at 8 weeks old, i was too freaked out to put her tummy down in her own cradle, so we moved her into bed for a few weeks until we decided she was obviously fine on her tummy, then back in her own cradle for a while, at five months, back in with us because she outgrew the cradle but we weren't ready to put her in her own room. now she's 19 mos and still with us (a variety of circumstances have led to this). I'm sure that does nothing to soothe your worry over "a hard habit to break." but different babies need different time with mom (and dad) so your 2 year old might not have needed the closeness that this one does, it's just how his little personality is forming. enjoy this time when his desire is to be close to you as much as possible, it's an innate need for a baby, and he won't always want this much snuggle time as he grows! they're only little for a little while!!! and i promise, by the time he leaves for college, he'll be able to sleep without you :)

My daughter did the same thing until we decided to place her on her belly to sleep at night. We also swaddled her at night and that helped a little. I was nervous of SIDS at first until I did some searching and found out that when the back to sleep campaign came out and when they claim the rate of sids went down was the same time they started requiring autopsies be preformed on babies. So things that were internal problems were now being found and not classified as sides. Plus there is nothing that can promise SIDS won't happen as they don't know what causes it it is just a sudden death. Good luck.

Maybe it is time to move the baby to a different room. If you are right next to him, of course he's going to want you every time. Just a thought

You and your husband are right it's a hard habit to break, the co-sleeping thing. But, before you know it they want their own space and then they turn 14. I have a biological, 14, 9, 5, and 7 mo. old. All of which have slept with me and they all grow out of it. It is a wonderful bonding time and I feel that they learn more trust this way than by letting them cry and be all alone. Eventually you wean them out of bed just like you wean them from a bottle or a pacifier and all of the other things that children grow so fond of. Good luck, be brave, take them in your arms and seek comfort for you both.

I feel for you: My son was a terrible sleeper, up all hours of the night and we had the same problem because he was in our room. I would hear him every time he woke up and would go to see what the problem was, which would wake him up even more so that the only way he would sleep was in our bed. Unfortunately we let this go ono until he was about 7 mo old. By then he was trained to wake up all night!

With our second child I was determined not to do this. she never slept a night in our room and amazingly she slept 8 hrs a night starting at 7 weeks! haha It was all because I wasn't rushing to her and disturbing her! Babies naturally wake a lot at night and usually they will drift off by themselves if left alone! So get your baby out of your room and get some rest. It will take a few nights of crying since he is used to a warm body when he cries, but after that you will all sleep better. When he really needs something you will wake up, believe me.

If you are really worried about him, try setting an alarm during the night to go and check on him. If he's not hungry or poopy, don't even pick him up. Hope that helps! Also, you can read the book "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer," that has lots of useful info in it. Do whatever is best for you, but remember that if you aren't getting the rest you need, you aren't going to be the best mom you could be during the day to both kids. Again, Good luck!

Hello, I am a mom of a 3 year old and a 7 month old. I would like to add that remember the chances of sids is much lower if you breast feed. My 7 month old is much the same way. I just figured out that if I put a blanket on each side of him, and of course one on him, he feels comforted and the last 4 nights have been better. When he is hungery, I nurse him and then lay him back down. That seems to work for me for the time being! When he was a NB I put him in his swing at night because I thought if he likes it during the day, why not at night? So the swing came with us to bed!! He don't like the swing so much any more so, The blanket thing has worked lately. Hopefully this helped a little. Remember you are not alone and just keep tring different things untilyou are both happyly sleeping at night:)PS don't be afraid to cuddle a little bit until he calms down and is back to sleeping!

It is my opinion that babies have an instinct to be close to mom. My son would wake up at least three times a night until he was about four to five months old. I have heard other moms who say they have/had the same schedule. I think it is comepletely normal and you should be next to him. He is too young to sleep through the night. They don't sleep through the night on average until they are twelve to twenty-four mo. old. Give that baby a break, and sleep with him! :) The studies that I have read show it is the safest way to sleep.

My son slept in our room till he was five mo. old and came to lay down to nurse with me every night at least three times. It is easier to lay down and I recomend it. :) I found that around five mo. we were waking each other up and we both sleep much better in seperate rooms. Research has been shown that babies who are paid attention to in the night and are close to mom are less likely to get SIDS. Follow your instincts... they are usually right on.

There has never been any proof that kids need to continue to sleep with the their parents as they grow older. I don't agree with what your husband thinks, that it will be a hard routine to break. In fact, I wouldnt be surprized if it's the children that were seperated early on that want this "closeness" as they get older. They feel like they want to be close to you, so I would let them while they are young as opposed to when they are older.

Sometimes they get cold, I found that my son sleeps so much better with the feet pj's instead of anything else. He started sleeping much beatter after we warmed him up. :)

Good Luck!