Hi B.,
I know how hard it is with a high functioning spectrum disorder child. I have one too- he will be five on Monday. Happy to say, I don't even use the term anymore, because he is almost symptom free. Anyway, I know how headstrong children can exhaust, frustrate and c-h-a-l-l-e-n-g-e their mamas, so hang in there and pray a lot.
What I found works the best with my son when it comes to helping him to understand how his actions affect others is with stories. Books help, but sometimes I can't find the book that matches the exact scenario I am trying to help him with, so I make one up. Usually it is a story about a boy his age who is feeling the same frustrations that he is, and somewhere in the story I have the boy do exactly the same thing that my son is doing. In other words, if he was slamming the door on his sisters legs, for example, I would tell a story about how this little boy was so angry sometimes at his sister that one time he even tried to slam the door on her legs! And then I would say how that scared the baby, and then the mama said something like, "I understand you are mad sometimes. We all get mad. Next time you can hit this pillow instead." or something like that - and THEN, the clincher is that the next part of the story is the little boy being presented with the same challenge, and then he thinks out loud, ("I am so angry now! I want to hit her, but I won't. I am going to hit my pillow instead!" and then he runs into his room, hits the pillow, and then feels much better. Then the boy can talk to his mommy about how he feels." etc. So he gets to see the transition the boy goes through from doing the unacceptable behavior, and the story models for him how to do the acceptable behavior. I don't know if this makes sense in an email, but I thought I would give it a try. Call me if you want me to help you figure out a good story for your daughter in particular, if you think that it would help. I used to write a lot actually, and have been thinking that it's time I get back into it, so this would be a good exercise for me. I also am a good partner for coming up with other ideas too, (two brains are better than one) so feel free to email me.
Also, if your daughter is a really good visual learner, you could act out little scenes like this with a video camera and then have her watch it.
I just joined this mamasource, so I'm not sure how I'll now if you respond to this comment.
Good luck!
C.