Need Help Getting My Teen Get Organized for School

Give her a watch and tell her the car leaves at a certain time, with or without her. And then leave without her if she isn't ready.

If it is not done in the evening then whatever she forgets. Too bad! Do not run things to her. Let her suffer the consequences. After a few times she will get it. I certainly would not help her in the morning. She is old enough to be responsible for her own things.

Natural consequences. She forgets her lunch she doesn't eat lunch. Doesn't pack up school books or homework she can deal with that at her class. She doesn't have her instrument her band teacher can give out the cconsequence when I was in band that was a 0 for the day. She's old enough to pack stuff up if she's rushing get her up earlier and when she asks why your getting her up earlier tell her so she can get her things together.

You can't always be there to bring whatever she forgot.

Let her fail a couple of times which means maybe getting a bad grade for not bringing an instrument, homework, gym clothes, etc and she'll soon get the point.

My daughter has always been a planner and usually would have things ready to go in the morning. There were a few occasions something was left behind and I have taken something to the school ONLY because it has never been a habit of my daughter to be forgetful.

Start now because they get more responsibility as they go up grade levels. Even in college now, my daughter still uses an agenda which holds all assignments and due dates.

All the way through school from K through 12 our district provided agendas for the students in order to help them with the personal responsibility of managing time, etc.

As a substitute (for 13 yrs) I have heard more than 1 first grade teacher say no when a child wanted to call mom because they left a library book at home. We say, it is not your mom's job to keep up with your library book, etc. So on that library day, the child does not get a new book until the currently borrowed one is returned. These lessons start early.

Best wishes to you.. I know the teen years are tougher because the teen are just trying to figure things out and find themselves. Just keep your lines of communication wide open for your daughter so she will continue to come to you.

Something that worked for my friend's kid was to post a list on the back of the front door -- so it was utterly unmissable -- of what was needed each day. You can do a daily list but a weekly one might be easier. Your daughter is responsible for checking the list BEFORE bed and again when she get up -- not as she goes out the door; when she gets up and before breakfast. She puts her stuff by the front door, not in her room (less running back and forth in the a.m.), and checks it against the list before bed and again in the morning.

I think there is nothing wrong with working on this as a team for a while rather than expecting her to figure it all out 100 percent on her own. Here is why: I do get the idea of "let her fail, natural consequences" etc. but frankly if she is new to middle school -- my child is too, this year -- there is SO much more for them to remember and handle on their own than there was in elementary school. Infinitely more in some cases.
If she has a "block schedule" like my kid, she has different classes each day, so she has to know that Tuesday she has orchestra but not on Wednesday and on Wednesday she has algebra but not on Thursday, and some weeks are different...etc. If your child doesn't have a block schedule, then she likely has all her classes (as many as seven or eight) every day and probably has a literal ton of stuff to carry in her arms to and from school. I would work on a routine and lists with her for a while, before simply saying, "Get it right yourself or suffer." That does have a place but maybe not just yet.

Sit her down when things are calm and good and say, "Hey, we CAN tackle this together and have calm and organized mornings that work for all of us, sibling included. Here are some ideas I have. What ideas do YOU have to make things easier for yourself and have a better school day?" At this age they want to feel included and to feel they have some control so involve her in the process.

Her middle school might have a counselor who specializes in helping kids organize themselves. Ours does. He gives talks to the kids about how to use their planners effectively (does your kid's school give them/require them to use a planner notebook that lists every assignment each day? If not -- have her create her own, and check it yourself daily for a long time until she is used to using it.). Our "organization counselor" works with kids who have organization issues. Ask the counseling team at the school if someone there works on these issues. You, yourself, can see that person for some ideas and your child might benefit from a visit with that counselor. But first I'd see if she is open to spending an hour on a calm weekend creating some lists and maybe even going out with you to get some cool cubbies for near the front door. Yeah, cubbies and lists don't get inside her head and organize things, but routines and specific locations do help. I feel for you both, having a new middle schooler myself, but this IS doable if you and she both can approach it calmly.

I think a really important part of this whole situation is for you to not show that you are stressed or frustrated or upset. Simply tell her, calmly, that unless her responsibilities are taken care of the night before, then she doesn't get free time or phone time or computer time or anything else that is relaxing. And you may have to remove electronics to accomplish this. But stay calm! If she sees that she is creating a ruckus, that can be a reward in itself (the attention, the chaos, etc). You must not show that it's chaotic for you, even if you have to perform an Oscar-winning act to accomplish this. And in the morning, leave without her if she's not ready. Your son's good behavior is being ignored and your daughter's negative behavior is being rewarded. You've got to switch the two immediately. Reward his readiness and promptness by your attention, and ignore her tardiness and sloppiness by ignoring them (after you have given her clear instructions once, of course, and posted a chart and timetable).

Make it a rule that your daughter organizes her stuff the night before, and enforce it. After homework, meals, etc., make it the rule that there are no phones, computer, or other down time (whatever it is she does for fun in the evening) until everything is ready for the next day.

I feel you pain but the insanity must STOP.

The consequences should be she gets left behind and then she must get herself to school. Then the school has consequences for her being late. Perhaps it might work for her to catch the bus to school as well.

When she tries to blame you for her being late, you point out to her that she refuses to even try to get her things together at night.

I'm grown and I must get most of my things together at night or get up super early to get out and get to work on time.

The kids raised in my home had to get themselves to school ontime when they were in junior high and if they wanted a ride from me they needed to be ready to leave when I was ready or get left behind.

I never punished them for being late. I never needed to, the school had built in consequences for late students and that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the kid in school.

Stop penalizing your son by caving in to your daughter. I think she will understand the seriousness if she gets left once.

Ultimately life consequences are a far better teacher than anything else. When you are ready to leave, leave. Stop catering to her morning insanity. I would just let her know the night before, tomorrow is a new day and if you are not ready to leave by x time, you will be left but you must get yourself to school. I will not longer wait for you. Then when the next day comes around you must follow through with what you said you would do.

In my state, children must be at least 12 years old to go to and come home from school without an adult.

I have to agree with those that said let the natural consequences follow. Part of being a parent of teenagers is to teach them independence...by thinking for themselves.

We now have a carpool that we have told our 2 middle schoolers will leave them if they are not ready. It really has helped having someone else ,besides nagging mom and dad, to answer to.

Before the carpool was created, I would leave by a specified time to get kids that were ready on time to school on time. I would set the timer for 15 minutes and tell them the car leaves in 15 minutes. Timer goes off...we are heading out the door. Your son should not have to stress about being late due to his sister's irresponsibility.

Here are a couple scenarios we have run into and what we did. All three kids head out in the car and we are two minutes away from home. Child says, "I forgot my drumsticks! Turn around...we are still close to home!"

I tell the child we will not turn around. We will drop off the others who are prepared then go back home and get the drumsticks and you will get a tardy.3 tardies and you get detention. But there were a day or two I had a pressing time commitment and couldn't go back to the house. He faced the Band Director then her wrath. It only took about 3 times total for this to cause him to think about his drumsticks. I can't remember the last time he has forgotten something behind.

A forgotten assignment or book does not get taken to the school mid day. They get a zero and have to answer to the teacher as to why they don't have the assignment.

We do not do punishments at home for grades or missed assignments. I feel strongly about this. We are here to encourage and model good study habits. We need the mood of the home to be a happy place to come home to at the end of a rough day of school. They don't need punishment at school and punishment at home over bad grades or missed assignments.

They are learning and growing and it will eventually sink in. It just takes some a little longer than others. Now..on the other hand. If it was a bullying or disrespectful behavior to teachers ...well then...we would most definitely take it seriously and there would be consequences at home.

It helps to make sure your kids have plenty of time to get ready in the morning. Yes, as a parent you encourage getting prepared the night before.

It helps to teach them to think of the things they need to pack instead of telling them.

For example, instead of saying "Pack your drumsticks." I would say, "Do you have everything you need for Band?" It changes how they internalize it. It is not a naggy command but gets them thinking "What do I need for band?". THis is a little trick we learned from a child behaviorist and from his parenting classes. Or, knowing they worked on a project for Social Studies and I clearly see it still on the dining room table but they are heading out the door. I would not say "Go get your Social Studies project!!" I'd say, "Do you have everything you need for Social Studies?" Then there is usually a pause and..."Oh no! I almost forgot my project!!"

Good luck! Also fun rewards at the end of a great week are good reinforcers. We have gone together to grab a donut or I have made hot chocolate in the morning that they get to sip on the way to school after a great week. The rewards should be a special thing to do with mom or dad...not toys and stuff.

I am going to suggest something to help your life get easier.
People will most likely not agree w/me on here saying that she has to
learn on her own etc but having grown up in a household with siblings
some organized and the others were not, this is what I grew to learn.
You either have THAT type of personality or you don't.
Help facilitate your mornings to go smoother so you get out of the house
in time.
The night before make sure she has her clothes picked out, backpack &
instrument go right by the front door, everything is zipped up, lunch is on
counter by my keys etc.
The best way to teach her is to show her & model the behavior yourself.
Let her see you getting YOUR stuff ready the night before, keys, purse,
clothes picked out, shoes by the door etc.
Tell her, show her, teach her.
Also, follow up. At night before you go to bed, ask her if she has everything ready. Go see that she does. Check up.
The reason that taking away phone/allowance doesn't work is because it
is a personality trait. Like being clean or messy.
The best you can do is be organized yourself & model the behavior.
Check up behind her as a parent should & work "with" what you have, not
against it.
Also, if you see that she does things a certain way try teaching her how
she can use that system to work for her. Everybody's different so it's best to try & use their behaviors/ways to work for them.

Stop "making suggestions" to her and actually MAKE her get it ready the night before. You can't just tell kids to do something, you have to ENFORCE it until it gets to the point where they do it on their own without being told. Good luck.

Get her up earlier. My teenagers need at least an hour in the morning.

:)

Natural consequences work best in these types of situations.

You can help her by creating a nighttime checklist, but that's where it ends.

As someone else already said, if she forget's something, she forget's it and it stays forgotten until she remembers.

I've even gone as far as...if you aren't ready by the time we have to walk out the door, you aren't going to school that day. Warning this only works with the kids who don't mind/like to go to school, and who hate to have make-up work.

Stop managing this for her or punishing her for it.

Let her have the natural consequences, she'll be at school without her stuff. She will be late if she's not in the vehicle or at the bus stop on time, etc....let her school dole out the consequences. Takes the pressure off you almost all the way.

Get her up, go do your own thing, set an alarm that she can hear without any excuses for 10 minutes before she has to be out the door. If she's not ready and out the door she will get into trouble at school.

I think hard logical consequences are the answer. But make them happen the night before.

One strong philosophy I hold is that unless someone is bleeding, throwing up, or horribly ill, you don't have the *right* to make other people late. Esp. because of your poor planning.

So, the night before-- no media, tv, fun-- nothing until she has all of her stuff ready to go at the door. Give her a checklist (laminate it if you need to) and tell her everything needs to be ready before fun or dinner. EVERYTHING.
Then, hold her to it.
I'd take it one step further and tell her that the car leaves at X time. If she is not ready-- leave without her. Let her know in advance that this WILL happen. If you work, then show her the local bus schedule, or leave cab fare -- with the understanding that SHE will have to pay you back out of her own money. If a neighbor is willing to drive her, then she pays them $10 or whatever seems reasonable for the service. Don't go back for her.

If you don't work and want to drive her later, then she has to trade you jobs/tasks/time. My son knows that if he forgets something (like lunch) at home, that he 'owes' me time in work for the time it took me to make the trip back to the school to drop it off. I'm a SAHM and he's 6, so I am willing to do this, but he understands that he will owe me the 20 minutes of time doing a job for me. So, that's another option.

And no more bringing her things. She has the ball in her court, if she is *refusing* to do as you have requested, those consequences are her own doing. I'd start with having her do it the night before. Frankly, I'd withhold dinner until she can show you it's done. That's the least amount of intervention right there-- the paying for rides/etc. are more intense consequences. Be sure, too, to run whatever plan you do make by your husband so there isn't flak later on. You do want to make sure you are in agreement on whatever your strategy is in advance, so he's on board.

One thing I would like to add. Maybe another response mentions this but I didn't see it in a quick browse through the responses.

Have a talk about her responsibilities growing. Then, tackle one thing at a time. Say, she starts putting all her homework and books, etc back into her backpack, congratulate her. Sometimes it's worth a "oh, how nice! you saved yourself time and you saved ME time, too!" Other times it would be, now that you have been dressed on time (whatever else does or doesn't get ready), for every school day this week, "wow, this is worth a treat (on Friday)". Maybe she likes getting an ice cream cone after school or having her pick of what will be served for dinner.

The list on the back of the front door has helped us a lot.

Took your medicine?
Have your homework?
Dressed for the current weather?

Finding something to praise her for is what is my point. Good luck!

Time to take all the gadgets away at night. She HAS to get everything ready the night before -- no argument.

Set a time of when you will leave for school and leave with brother. She will have to get to school the best way she can. Consequence of not being ready on time.

You are training her that when she gets out on her own, someone will bail her out when she forgets things. The world does not work that way. If you don't have it, you don't get paid, you don't have a job. So think about it that way.

It might take a bit for her to get it but it will help her with the rest of her life. College professors don't care that you don't have your work done they just give you an "F". She will collect enough that her scholarships or funding will end and she will wind up at Burger King because she couldn't get her "stuff" together. Have a meeting with her when you are both calm and maybe out for a sundae and explain what and why you are doing what you are doing. Tell her you love her but want to see her succeed in life not fail.

Get her an alarm clock and set it so she has to get out of bed to turn it off.

the other S.

Is this affecting her school performance and grades? Are there issues with organization and preparedness beyond just the packing of the backpack? If so, I agree with the poster who said you might be able to get a school counselor or teacher to help with this. This sounds like my son and he is actually taking a special "guided study" class in 8th grade to get him prepared and organized for HS.

Two suggestions...
Have her do it the night before. No tv, computer, etc until everything is all set to go.
Wake her up extra early in the morning so she has more time.