Need advice...revised...

Hi N., I babysat in the house in the early tight years, Already got 4+ kids, what's a couple more part time?

:)

I would look into permanent birth control. I can't imagine sex being fun if you are afraid of another baby.
I would also try to get him to manup. No more refereeing and no more guys nights out(if he does that). He has 4 kids and a wife to support.

The only thing I can think of to help out is to shop at the food pantry. It costs like 25cents a pound per item and sometimes they have diapers, steaks, birthday cakes,

N.:

First thing is taking a deep breath...there are options out there...you just might not be aware of them.

As to the medical bills. If they are killing you- call them and tell them what you can afford to pay - if it's $5.00 a month - then so be it - but make arrangements with them...no, it's not the best situation but if don't have the money need to put food on the table - as long as you work with them - you should be fine.

Go to the library and either Suze Orman or Dave Ramsey books - heck both of them - and work their system to fit your family.

Have your husband update his resume and start looking for a new job that pays more. That doesn't mean he quits his job - it means he takes an hour out of the day to find out what jobs are out there that he has the skill set for.

If doing a day care in your home doesn't appeal to you - find a job that works the opposite schedule as your husband so that you don't have child care expenses.

Find things around the house of value and sell them - if they are NOT a necessity - sell them and use the money for food, gas, car payments...ebay or craigslist...I will be more than happy to help you with that. Kids clothes that are in GREAT condition do sell.

Call the lien holders on the cars and tell them what is going on - they may be able to push your payments to the back end of your loan - no, it's not ideal but it will help keep the worry of - will my car be there when I wake up in the morning?

Go to your social services office and see if you qualify for food stamps, WIC or any other social program out there. Then ask for assistance in finding grants - there are people out there who have money to give away as a grant - but only for special cases...find out - ASK questions...follow the leads.

Go to your church and ask for help. Our church is wonderful with stuff like that - our Pastor has a "slush" fund that can help with immediate emergencies...and we have donors who help with the big stuff. So you might ask your pastor.

As for the kids? There are things you can do as a family that do not cost a lot of money or any money...play games at home...rent a $1 movie from Red Box...on things they do NOT need - tell them that it's not in the budget right now...as to not affecting them - they need to see how to handle situations...they need to see that everything will be okay - and it WILL be...

Last option? File bankruptcy. It sucks and doesn't really make it right - but that is an option. That's why I saved it for last.

Use coupons when you are shopping.
Make a menu for the week.
Stop buying new books - borrow them from the library
Cut out any bills that you DO NOT NEED - if it means losing the cell phones - and keeping the land line - then that's the way it is.
Cut out the cable bill..you can get internet at the library as well.
Buy clothes from Goodwill instead of brand new in the store.
Make a list of any errands you have and do them in order so you don't waste gas.
Call your insurance company(s) and see if raising your deductible will save you money on your policies---house, medical, auto, etc. do NOT cancel any life insurance policies...
If you have a 401K - this is a pricey option as well - but you can borrow against it for hardship...you will have to pay an early withdrawal fee as well as taxes...so it might not be worth it - it's one that SOME people have done.
Fix as many meals as you can and freeze them.
Bring your lunch to work. Use leftovers for sandwiches and salads.

While I don't like this idea - if you own your home - if you have equity in it - and have good enough credit - take 2nd out or a HELOC and pay everything you can off that way...this is NOT the recommended way - but if you own your home it MAY be an option for you. This is like borrowing from Peter to pay Paul - but it MIGHT be a solution for you.

If you can sell the cars and buy ones that are more affordable for you - do it.

I'm sorry this is sooo long - but there are options.

http://www.in.gov/fssa/dfr/2684.htm
http://www.nccp.org/profiles/IN_profile_36.html
http://singleparents.about.com/od/financialhelp/a/find_TA...

I know that people are suggesting a home daycare, but think of the insurance, certifications, licensing, etc. that it involves. It's not as easy as - hey - 4 of my kids and a newborn - let me watch other people's children! Sorry to be a downer, but a daycare is NOT a simple solution.
Are you crafty where you can sell things on Etsy?

Can you work a mall job after the baby comes in the evenings and on weekends? When hubby is home
What about a call center? evenings only when hubby can be home.
What about a M.'s helper, get a 13 or 14 yo in to help watch the younger kids while you make dinner.

Cancel all nonessentials, cable, paper, magazines
Go down to one car, can you? Take him to work every day and then you have wheels.
Are youclose enough for him to ride a bike?
Go to WIC
Buy milk in bulk when it is cheap and freeze it, bread too.
Shop Aldi
Thrift stores
Go garbage surfing/dumpster diving, you laugh but my hubby and I got chairs out of the dumpster behind Office MAx, we were way broke.

It sounds like you need a serious talk with your husband. He is running away from responsibilities. Instead of volunteering for sports, he could be moonlighting by stocking shelves at Walmart, waiting tables, mowing lawns or delivering pizzas, or coming home to watch the kids so you could work a night job.

We are in a similar position and my husband is looking for a second job now. He is a college graduate with a great career, but it is grossly underpaid for a family of 5. We also live very simply and cheaply and are stressed to the max. We do not qualify for assistance b/c we are barely above the poverty line.

I work on the weekends doing birthday parties and twisting balloons at restaurants. I also sell handmade jewelry and such on line, but both businesses are very slow right now. I am looking to babysit one child, but that will only be short lived since I have a baby on the way.

actually daycare is simplistic. The daycare liability rider on our homeowners is about $50 annually....& that's it! I am unlicensed by choice...& am allowed to take 4 kids max. I have worked for a licensed facility, I have the handbook, & I follow the guidelines. I have chosen not to license.....simply because I do not want anymore kids! 4 is enough for me. & yes, our state does allow unlicensed facilities.

A point of pride for me is that I have never, ever had to advertise either in our local paper or online.....my slots are filled thru word-of-mouth only.

Financially, it all works out. All expenses are deductible - even the time I spend grocery shopping! My tax lady is reasonable, & the entire process is completely stress-free. My only complaint would be that my Social Security is based on the amount "after expenses"....so my SS deposits suck! I'll be 50 next year, & I know it's time to bump those #s up by working outside of the home ++ my DH has already had 1 heart surgery - I need a job with benefits including health insurance!

Now for those medical bills, have you asked for "consideration" on them? Many hospitals & larger facilities will offer a reduced/discounted balance based on your income. It requires a totally honest financial disclosure on your part....but it might be worth a try!

Also, my vote goes for you working part-time....opposite your husband's schedule. You may not like the job...you may find it offensive & not a career, but at this point....any $$ will only help you!

When you mention "losing cars", are you making payments? If so, then sell it & buy a junker until you can afford bigger payments! If you're online for this forum, then cancel the internet! Take a look at all of your expenses & just cut as much as possible. Once the baby is here, then life will change!

I have a friend in a hard way right now and she told me that she has recently joined the food bank at her church. She said it helps so much. I know that food stamps/WIC don't cover everything especially with 4 kids in the house, so maybe look up local food banks and find out what to do to get help from them. As far as your hubby's lack of involvement at the moment that is a problem, and you said it that prayer is your number one tool there as well as some open comunication. I only have two and one on the way in a few weeks and I told my hubs I needed one night a week off bc I was mentally breaking down and my voice was quivering while I said it and he said 'ok, baby' and now I get my night off to go and get a coffee or whatever. It really helps to get out sometimes, even for a cheap outing. One time I went and spent a dollar on a hot fudge Sunday at Mcdonald's and read a People magazine, then while my hubby was bathing our sons I snuck back in the house and got in bed. It was divine!!!!!! Just down time for my brain was a really good thing. When things get a bit better you can use your time for pedicures or movies ;) I wish you the best and if I can think of any practical ideas I will PM you. But for the moment I think looking into some churches/ministries that offer food support might be a big help. Congrats on the new little one :D

I was just going to suggest what Theresa said: run a home daycare

When you check into social services like WIC, foodstamps, etc. see if there are any local programs for subsitized daycare or sliding scale daycare. It depends where you are and I live in another state. If you are looking for counseling, I am a graduate of the counseling program (IU Bloomington) and that campus has a counseling center with supervised counseling students (The Center for Human Growth) and they offer it inexpensively (it was $20 a session when I was there in the 1990's). That program is also on the Indianapolis campus I believe. I don't know where you are in the state if those places are any help to you. If you are in another area maybe there is a university in your area with a similar program. Good luck. I am also waiting for my youngest to be in school to go back to work. BTW, we had a lot of medical bills from when my youngest was born and had to pay them off a little at a time for a couple of years--as long as they okayed the payment plan and you stuck to it, it didn't go to collections.

I know it's hard and you've gotten some good advice. If you are not on WIC and get food stamps do it. Those if you ahve that many kids and one income should qualify for it. My bil and sil get food stamps and they only have two kids. That is what the system is there for. Try and see if you can babysit other kids if you have the sanity to do so. With having four kids and one on the way you might not be able to do it. But it's worth a shot. There are some places that are lagit that you can do from home. But they are hard to find. You might go throu and see if you can have a garage sale of stuff you don't need or want that will give you some extra cash. Have the kids start looking for cans and stuff that can be recycled for cash.

Good luck and God bless!

You can get assistance to go to work if you qualify for WIC you should be able to get child care assistance. So if that is all that is keeping you from working go to your local social services department and fill out the application. If you don't have insurance at least the kids may qualify to get state cards.

You need to get a job on an opposite shift that he is on and he needs to watch the kids when you are working. This is the ONLY way that you can get ahead. It's either that, or you watch children from your home. I believe in Indiana you can have up to 4 or even 6 children without being licensed.

Don't listen to Rebecca. It is that simple if you are a hard working individual. You can open a daycare and do well. I am not saying it's easy, I said simple.

Not easy to do but I suggest that it will help if you stop fighting the way it is. Allow yourself to feel the frustration and anger at your situation. Then focus love on that pain. Remind yourself that you are a good person and will eventually get this figured out and fixed. Instead of thinking how awful this is, think, this too will pass. Then think about what you can do to enjoy your family.

I know a life coach who helps people figure out what can be changed and how to change it. You could look up life coaching on the Internet and in the phone book. It does cost just as other counseling does.

Perhaps you could find a church who helps people and could get some counseling/coaching there. Call the county mental health clinic and ask about counseling. I suggest that counseling will help you to change the way you look at things so that you can be more positive in your approach to life.

It might help to go to one of those companies that help you consolidate bills so that you're paying out less each month. Do be careful. Some are not so helpful. Look up this sort of planning on the Internet so that you'll know what to look for.

It's hard to feel deep down that life will change but it will with a change in the way you approach life. The first step is to defeat the depression. An anti-depressant might help.

After your edit. I suggest that it will help you and your marriage if you learn better ways of communicating. I suggest that you read Non-violent Communication. There is a book and a web site. It shows us how to talk in ways that enable the other person to really hear what we're saying. Communication enables us to make changes in our relationship so that they are more satisfying.

If possible get into couple's counseling. Sounds like you're feeling all alone in your marriage.

Yes, prayer is helpful. But you have to actually take action to make changes. You can feel better. Look for ways to make that happen.

Survival can happen. You may be dirt poor, but you'll survive. My husband comes from a family of 9 kids, stay at home mom (dad was a truck driver). Somehow they managed. I'm sure the kids didn't get all the toys they wanted, I'm sure they didn't get to eat their favorite foods and I'm sure they probably wore hand me downs.

I saw at least a couple are jumping out and saying "make sure you don't have more kids". That won't help the problem. It won't stop more problems, in fact it might cause more problems. Natural birth control works just as nicely. No intercourse around your ovulation date. So simple.

As for fixing the in debt up to your eyebrows situation. Well aside from the obvious. No buying wine, beer, cigarettes, boxed dinners, soda, jewels and any other NON essential things. I'm not sure how to help. I'm in the same boat. Mom told me to read Dave Ramsey, I still haven't done it. But basically, make every effort not to live outside your means. If you don't have the money, you don't need it. Cloth diapers for the babies. Garage sales/thrift shops for clothing that can't be handed down. Cut the cable/dish network, cut the internet (I know easier said than done, hence why I still have it). If you own your house, look into refinancing (see if you can get a better deal than what you have). If you rent, look into renting a cheaper place. The kids can share rooms, one room for the boys, one for the girls and one for the parents.

But one thing is for sure, if you can't feed yourself and keep a roof over your head on your husbands income. You NEED a second or even a 3rd job. Look into home daycares, they tend to be somewhat cheaper than Day care Centers. Your local Child Care Resource and Referral can point you in the right direction. Do the math on your finances, sit down with your husband and explain to him just how bad things are. Let him know things NEED to change for the better and that you need his help. Let him know that you understand that he likes to ref./umpire, but you need him to spend more time at home (unless he's getting paid).

I know a lot of what I've said, you're either already doing, or you already know. But I figure I should put it out there. But I do think a big key thing is to find out if you're losing money, breaking even, or gaining money. Figuring out exactly how much money you need per month that you don't have. Then figuring out if you can cut out things like tv etc and then at least break even. If not, some way the two of you need to be finding more income. I don't know your husband, so I don't know if he'd prefer to stay home and take care of the kids while you help support the family... Or if he'd prefer to get a second job. But talking to him should figure that part out.

Hopefully once you show him the math he can see the bigger picture and he can be more supportive as well.

Good Luck!

Some umpires and referees are paid positions.
If he loves it so much he might as well get paid while doing it.
He's got baby number 5 on the way, too and he needs to get real about facing the need to feed/clothe them all.
Getting your tubes tied when the next baby is born is a good idea.
To be doubly sure, he should get a vasectomy, too.
It will save money when you are no longer spending it on birth control.
Prayer doesn't hurt - just remember that God helps those who help themselves.
Poverty affects the kids, there's no doubt about it.
So you have to actively work at coming up with what ever it takes to overcome your difficulties.
Being passive and hoping for the best is not going to cut it.
Get what ever assistance you can for child care and get a job.
If you don't want to do day care / nanny jobs, you can be a cleaning lady.
As the kids get older you might see about getting a license so you can be a school bus driver.

As soon as you have your next baby, get your tubes tied. Not trying to be mean, just realistic.

I didn't see this anywhere else, but when financial struggles were getting the better of my family (I formerly worked, but we decided to have me stay home after the birth of my second...unfortunately, we still had bills and spending habits from when we had the 2nd income!), a friend recommended I read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book. The library had it, so I didn't have to spend more money I didn't have. It was a lifechanger!!! It saved our house, cars, marriage and more importantly, my sanity!!

It's a no-nonsense, easy-to-follow way to get control of your family's finances and make a dent to the bills that you are currently struggling with.

We previously were looking at over 10 years to get our debts paid (not including mortgage and home equity loan). Following Dave Ramsey's "Baby Steps," we are now looking at 2 1/2 years--with the same income that we had before when we were barely scraping by and having to borrow money from family just to cover monthly expenses!!!

I'm calmer and feeling more in control instead of pulling my hair out and being a stressed-out mess. I highly, highly recommend it. And have your husband read it, too, because both of you need to be on the same page. It's amazing how much financial stresses can impact a relationship, so getting this one thing under control could very likely help the marriage out, too.

Good luck to you!!!

Sounds to me like it's time to take advantage of the very cheap counseling services offered through DuPage County's health program for people of low income - can't think of the name of it off hand. Do you have health insurance? If not this program offers cheap/free doc visits, counseling and more. Your husband has his head in the sand--if you're already in financial straights, he needs to buck up and if he won't listen to you, you need to tell him that you two need to talk to a counselor about this issue. The only thing he should be doing is either earning money for the family or stay at home with the kids so you can earn $.

Are you getting help for your utilities? The county also has a program for that. I think you can find all of this through Health and Human Services.

In the meantime, get your sleep, eat healthy, get some stress relief, if that means a brisk walk without the kids a few times a week, just tell hubby he's GOT to stay home.

There are tons of free things you can do in DuPage County. Go to the DuPage County Forest Preserve District and look at their event calendar. Kline Creek Farm offers all sorts of free or really cheap activities - I think this weekend they're doing their corn husking. They have all sorts of farm animals for the kids to pet. Print out a map off all the forest preserves and go to a different one every week for a short walk. Mark it off with the kids so they can see all the places they've been. There are lakes and wildlife they can see - or give them a nature scavenger hunt - a list of age appropriate things for them to find - a pinecone, a pointy leaf, a round leaf, a twig, a berry, an acorn, etc. The Winfield Fire District has an open house every year - it's free. On holidays there are parades - free. At Xmas there are activities in downtown Wheaton. Outdoor stuff is a great way for you to burn off stress and the kids to burn off energy. Join local meetup groups for moms with young kids - www.meetup.com. It's free to join and you only pay for events you decide to attend. Often they do stuff that's pretty cheap. Check out Cosley Zoo - it's very cheap - there's a recommended donation of $5 but that's it.

Do you belong to www.freecycle.org? People give away tons of free kids stuff - not only can you get clothes, etc., you can get toys/games to give your kids something new/fun to do.

Hope this helps - hope I didn't seem harsh on the hubby, but it sure sounds like he's not getting on board with the program. :)

First I wanted to say don't pay attention to the negative people on here, sometimes I think they just come on here to put other people down because they dont have anything better to do....or to make themselves feel better..

Birth control: tying the tubes as well as all other forms of birth control are NOT 100% effective and there are possible serious side effects to most. I got pregnant with my 4th, with IUD (99% effective), and I'm just thankful I didnt have any serious complications or died which could have happened if it was ectopic. I know people that got pregnant after getting their tubes tied and after vasectomy too...and again there are risks involved and possible complications.
Yes it could work, but you dont know for sure. You have to think of your kids, they need their parents.
Natural birth control can work too, and it worked for me, never failed. The first time I get an "official" method, it failed and I got pregnant. This is why we're going back to the natural way, don't want to take the risk anymore with the birth controls out there, still can get pregnant while risking serious complications...

Husband- you need to have a serious talk with him, he needs to help out more around the house! I told mine, when we got pregnant with #4 that he would need to help me more around the house and with the kids and I'm pleasantly surprised, he's really doing a great job and being super helpful!

As far as finances, cut down all the unnecessary expenses. In order for me to be able to stay home with the kids we had to cut down and simplify our life - here is what we do -
no eating out, no going out,
No cable - we get all our movies for free from library.
We have used cars that we bought for cash so no payment.
I use coupons (use coupon sites like www.thekrazycouponlady.com, www.mashupmom.com, www.dealseekingmom.com) and save TONS of money that way, even get a lot of stuff for FREE.
For phone, we use Skype (you call through the internet) - www.skype.com, for $20 per year you have unlimited calling all over US. I switched my cell to a prepaid and use it for emergency only - don't talk on it at all, only if I really HAVE to make a call. That way I have a cell for $20/year.
Clothes I and other household items I buy used on Ebay or buy clearance clothing after the season for $2-3.
Sign up for freecycle, where you can get free stuff - clothing, furniture and everything else!
I do all the haircuts myself (bought a shaver for $25 to cut the boys and just use scissors to cut my daughters hair or my own.
To make some extra money I sell stuff on Ebay, stuff around the house (instead of having a garage sale), and other stuff if I can buy for less and resell for more....or some of the stuff I get for free with coupons!
And for fun, we do free or super cheap activities with coupons. Free things at park district etc, go for walks, to forest preserve, go fishing together, go have a picnic at the park, for vacations we go camping..... and we have fun!

Look into free state health care! See what other programs they offer that you can apply for. I don't know whats available in IN, but here in IL there are programs that offer help with energy bills (LIHEAP), cell phone, WIC, weatherization programs, state healthcare, reduced lunch programs at schools, just do some research online.
Good luck!

I'd suggest cutting down any expenses you don't actually NEED. Do you have expensive cell phones and plans? Do you drive a car you have to pay for? If you are paying monthly for your car, you also have to have collision incase you have to repair it b/c of an accident. Money out the window. I'm only guessing on your expenses, of course, but I'd get rid of an expensive car, replace it with one you can buy for cash (or almost) then drop your collision insurance. I did this when my husband and I got married and my car insurance went from $250 a month to $250 every SIX months.

You have to cut the fat from your expenses. No cable, no expensive cell phones, no expensive cars, no unnecessary insurance.

Do get another job to help out- babysit for other moms in your area and charge them 7-10 an hour.
Look into your park district- they are always looking for help with programs and they pay you. I went and became a certified fitness instructor and they pay me per student. I work 3 hours a week at night and get paid for almost 20 hours its some time for me and extra money.
I have also been told Bra ladies are needed for sales.
Check out Body essentials bras and undergarments website.
You can work from home and do parties once in awhile and get paid!
Good Luck

It sounds like you have been doing your best to manage your finances and spend your money wisely. You said you use WIC and that's great! I think you would also be able utilize your local food pantry and your church might also be able to offer some assistance with food and occasional daycare.
God Bless you and your little ones...and I pray that your husband finds his way back into your home and heart!

All of your children are a blessing and a gift...no matter your financial situation before or after their birth into this world. Love is your greatest gift to them...