Need Advice with Older Children

I wouldnt be putting her in a situation to think that because she was your first that you love her more and even though your not saying that a 12 yr old hears what she wants.....and can misunderstand what your trying to say......id just spend more time with her included in taking care of the 3 yr old and let her feel that she is included in everything........probably feeling a little left out and id sit down and have a talk with her to let her vent what is bothering her and find away that will suit both of your needs...good luck

Well, I must say that a 3 year old is hard to deal with under most circumstances so a 12 year old that is not used to little ones might have a real hard time dealing with a 3 yr old. Also, even siblings that are the children of both parents have sibling rivalry and pick at each other so I doubt there is really anything out of the norm with your children.

T.,

Twelve is a hard age. I had a very functional, normal American, Christian home - and I haven't forgotten Twelve. The hormones must play havoc at this time because a twelve year old girl's reasoning goes haywire. You cannot reason with them...you can talk intil you are blue in the face and they will shift blame and come up with a "But..." every time. I did it...my daughter did it (my sons, didn't - hummmm) and now I see my best friend's daughter doing it at that age. She is a really, really good girl...but she gives her mom STRESS!!!

Maybe focusing on this, responding to her warmly as you are able and continue doing what you know is right will help you emotionally wade through this time.

Warm, loving responses are the key to YOUR emotional stability (it makes you feel more confident) and it will help you wade through this - possibly putting a lot less strain on your relationship with her.

I promise you - twelve years old (and younger and older) are begging for you to control them for they are not mature enough to control themselves. They buck the boundaries...but they are screaming inside for you to set them.

I would often say to my daughter (it only works if you say it firmly and calmly)..."we'll continute this discussion when you are in a better mindset"...OR..."That's enough. End of conversation."

If it is not about the little ones - at twelve...she will find something else. It's just life for a twelve year old.

J.

T.,

When I married my husband my daughter was 11 yrs and we had a baby 15 months later. She was crazy about her for awhile and I guess the new wore off. I know she loves her but they still fight just like they were the same age. they are now 19 and 6.We now have a 10 month old girl and the 19 yr old is crazy about her just waiting for the new to wear off again. I think it is just a sibling thing. I would almost bet that your daughter would do anything for her sister when it comes down to it. You just have to keep saying to her that they are sisters and one day they'll only have each other. My 19yr old can be so mean to my 6 yr old and in a second later she can be so sweet to her. It gets better as they get older. I think its when they start walking and talking when the trouble begins. I think they feel like everything is about the toddler. Im sure she has heard be carefu around her she just learning this and that and Im sure it can drive a 12yr old nuts. Just be patient and Im sure everything will calm down. My husband also has a21 yr old and 18yr old boys and they could care less one way or another. maybe its a girl thing. Hang in there.

L.

T.,
My heart goes out to you. I have a very similar situation. My oldest is 14 and she is from a prior marriage, then I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. When the oldest hit about twelve her brain disconnected. It became all about her all of the time. (this is normal by the way) Hormones are a crazy deal. My son has a chronic illness and takes a little more effort on my part so the oldest has had lots of ammo in the war of "you love them more." Just love them all and keep reminding yourself that this too shall pass. Hang in there and know we are all here for ya.
V.

I hope every thing works out. I think you have good advice from the other posters.. I think that it is great that you spend one on one time with your oldest...My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family..

M. G

Well first of all i think you should not tell her that you love her alittle more because she is the first. I think you should just keep doing what you are doing and just go with the flow. She is older your other baby is a girl so she might feel more wierd about that. that is why she gets along eith me baby boy more. Do you make her hang out with just her sister just the two of them. Maybe more exclusive alone time for the two of the girls would be better. they can get to know one another. Dont push to hard for her to get along with her though. It takes time for all things to adjust to change you know.

T. ~
While my marriage situation is a bit different (I've been w/my husband over 17 years now & married almost 12) ... the situation you're describing w/your children sounds painfully familiar!
I have a 9yr old daughter, a 7yr old son & a 3yr old son.
I think having such a dramatic age difference in same-sex children makes a huge impact. My first two children played so well together & remain close today.
However, my two sons (7 & 3, remember) fight CONSTANTLY. They start out playing nicely, but then chaos always ensues.
And, although my 9yr old daughter isn't near 12 yet, little girls DO get moody & want their Mama's undivided attention. I try to do a "Mommy & Me" day w/her once a month & that helps. BUT - she DOES lock the 3 year old out of her room ... when SHE feels like playing w/him, she goes into his room.
Anyway - I think that a LOT of what you're describing is just typical adolescent(sp?) girl behavior. And, a lot of children are jealous of siblings ... half-siblings or not. (I myself have 1 "full" brother, 3 "half" brothers & 1 "half" sister ... ALL of whom I now - as an adult - adore! I'm the oldest, though ... so I recall how your daughter feels. My "full" brother & I are only 23 months apart ... then my next "half" brother was born when I was 9, so SAME age difference as in your home!)
I would not tell her you love her more, though. Just stress that it is NOT a competition & that Mommies have enough love in their hearts to include ALL of their babies EQUALLY. Otherwise, what if she tells the 3 year old that you love her more, making your 3 year old cry and they both come running to you together asking who you love more? THAT would be an awkward situation!
Maybe try a trick we do @ my daughter's sleepovers - you, your 12yr old & your 3yr old sit in a circle w/backs to each other. Then do each other's hair (have YOU do your 12yr old, her do her 3yr old sister & the 3yr old do you). It's fun, "girly" time that includes everyone. Then, you can take turns doing each other's nails - you & your 12 yr old can do each other & then the two of you can each do 1 hand & 1 foot on the 3 year old (that way, the 12 year old feels like your "partner")? Anything that INCLUDES all 3 of you & also includes conversation, laughter ...
I wish you the BEST of luck. Juggling 3 children is challenging, but WORTH it!
Remember, they're all unique & special ... just help them to feel that way!
Blessed Be.

I come from a simular situation and from the oldest from another marrage point of view its VERY hard to be the only one that dosnt have the dad there. Does your husband treat your first daughter differantly? You may not see it unless you are looking for it. Example when I was a child adn when we were introduced to someone it was always " this is my wife nancy and nancys daughter B." that little Nancy's daughter part always made me resent him. I was never " our daughter" and that made me feel like I was less important than HIS kids. He and I get along better now that I have kids because hes great with my kids. Also I agree with what another poster said it could be just that shes 3 3 yr olds are hard to deal with ,

Your eldest just needs time alone with you. I had my children 7 years apart and my son felt left out a lot when it came to his younger sister. So I started going on 'dates' with just him. Things that we would do just the two of us. It only takes one day a week, but it makes such a big difference. With my son we started going to movies, just the two of us. We would also find things that we were both interested in to do so that we would have alone time.
I am now starting that with my ten year old daughter, since my son is 17. I find things she likes to do and make it a 'bestfriends day' or something. Usually we leave the house, go to the movies, a trip to the mall, get lunch out, and maybe a get made up session. Just something that says you're still the apple of my eye to them.
I enjoy it as much as my children do.
Hope this helps.

I don't have any good advice on the hormonal 12 year old :) but I sympathize. I had my oldest 9 years older than my youngest and 5 years older than the middle one....all girls. My oldest resented my youngest but not the middle one... so raising kids is not an easy thing. The thing I would caution you about is telling one child you love them more than the others. As one responder said, she could throw that in the face of one of your younger children. What I always told mine was that they were special. BUT I told each of them when it was just the two of us that they were special. I have also told my grandchildren they were special. When I am gone and they start to compare notes, I'm sure it will be quite the conversation when they all discover that they were each very special to me. Just love your children and do the best you can and do have special date time with each and encourage your husband to take the time to spend individual time with each of the three. It will help.