Need Advice Regarding Step Children

My ex owes about 15 grand, I call FOC every few months, write letters- nothing helps. They won't take him back to court- he hasn't made a single payment. What are they their for!
I hope things get better- keep us updated!

D.,
How is the relationship between your husband and his ex? Is it possible that she is bad-mouthing your husband to his girls? I hate to think that way, but we have that situation with my stepson (who is 9). Fortunately, he is comfortable enough to come to us and ask us about the horrible things his mom said about his dad, but it is so hurtful to both my husband and me.
Perhaps since you have a good relationship with the girls, you can ask them how they feel about their dad, and have a frank discussion about why they act the way they do. If you can get to the bottom of it, hopefully you can change it. If it is their mom bad-mouthing their dad, simply tell them that sometimes people say things when they are angry that they shouldn't. Try not to be negative in reference to their mom, and focus on correcting the misinformation.
I agree with the other women as well that your husband should have some one-on-one time with the girls, but not all at once. First try doing things they girls enjoy as a family, and then try to ease yourself out of it. That way the girls won't feel like they are being forced to spend time with their dad.

Good luck!

Hi D.-

I have two stepchildren also. Katie who is now 13 and Josh who is now 17. I have been in there life for 10 years. It has been a very rough road. Not so much with Katie, but with Josh.
It sounds like maybe your step children have alittle bit of resentment towards there dad, and they are probably having a difficult time from there divorce. Maybe they blame there dad?
Have you or your husband considered counseling? I would deffinetly consider that and nip it in the butt while they are still young. Believe me, the older they get the harder it will be.

I think it's great that you have a connection...that usually where it's difficult. It may seem strange, but girls at that age go through pre-PMS, where they are very sensive. They are also starting to get interested in lady things. Shopping, wearing make-up, a bra, etc. They may be looking for a mother figure in your house and your it, since you are there.

My step-son lached onto me early on in mine and my husbands relationship. He was 2 1/2 and I think it was something he was lacking (internally). It was also someone knew. He's now 9. Boy do times change. He's all about his dad, now. It's strange how it has changed...and I miss it.)

I think a little daddy daughter time would be good, but make sure it's something the girls are intersted in. Also, if the girls look up to you, maybe talk to them (when the timing is right) and let them know that they when they...it hurts their father's feelings. Sometimes just a few words will leave them with something to think about.

Hi D.,
Lots of factors go into the suggestions to your dilemna. I don't know how long you have been in the picture, is their mom a 'giving' mom or is she angry at their dad?
My first thought was that when the girls come over..maybe you should not be there so they can have a bonding time with their dad. he may need help learning to be a dad to little girls. Maybe if you split them up, one take one somewhere for an hour or so while the other dotes on the other one. I just know how important a dad is in his daughter's life. When I was dating a man with young daughters...he would not even see me on those weekends for months until their relationship was stable enough for the girls to share their feelings with both adults at the same time. Another man was afraid of his girls and wanted me to be there and give them the attention they needed.
I have a daycare and have found little girls who 'crave' my affection were not getting physical attention from their own mom...these girls may be trying to get it from you. Sounds like they have some anger focused on their dad..maybe for leaving them. They are old enough to 'talk' about how they feel but it should be done one on one.
In childcare we don't give too many "choices". We give them what they need to drink or eat and if they chose not to eat today...they will eat what you chose the next time. It could be a case of simply playing that game...we call it contrary. Whatever he asks or says, they say the opposite or want the opposite. You simply have to find whatever it is that they like the most and use it for reward. My son would do anything for food....I sometimes have to use it in daycare...just remember that YOU ALWAYS have to follow through with an award and punishment....
I certainly wouldn't want to take 7 & 8 yr olds out to breakfast but if you say for instance...we will go to the restaurant, let them dress up, dad gives them each $5 to order, actually tell the waitress what they want, off the children's menu..they make the choice..they pay the waitress the money...make it an experience that's different...let them know if they can't behave, they will be taken out and then DO it. Carry the one out and sit in the car if you have to for 5 minutes (that is a long time for them). It is also embarrassing but other adults will be empathetic and it works.

The point is, they are seeking alot of attention and they are getting it from you, not him. You are right that it breaks his heart but you need to help him to not give up. Little girls who do not get daddy's attention will get another form of attention from the first male who gives her the time of day. She will go on seeking daddy's affection for the rest of her life.
Have you ever dated a guy who never had consequences to pay for his behavior as a child? Girls grow up acting the same way.
Maybe a campout with dad on the family room floor is something they would enjoy while you get the bedroom all to yourself..I say, encourage dad/daughter activities that don't always include you until they can treat you as a couple.

best of luck
T.

D.-
I am a step child myself, and I know that I always talked to my dads girlfriend more than I talked to my dad. Myreason for doing this was b/c he was never around while him and my mom were together, so it was uncomfortable to talk to him after they split up. My step mom always talked to us, and made sure we were comfortable. Try to have him spend a little one on one time with each girl by their selves. He might have to get a litlle girly, but that is all part of the game...lol. My dad and I now have a wonderful relationship!!! He needs to take a little time and REALLY LISTEN to what they are saying. We all pay attention to our children, but sometimes aren't REALLY listening!! They may be trying to get more of his attention w/ the negative behavior...so just tell him to give that a try!!! As for you, it sounds like you are doing a GREAT job!!! To bad all step parents can't be as good as you!! Those girls are really lucky to have a step mom like you who really cares for their well being!!!

Have you tried talking with the mom? The kids should never hear any negative comments about one parent from another. I had to hear it from both my parents and still do. And now I refuse to listen. I tell them both I don't want to hear it, but at that age, the kids can't express that. And they don't understand. I don't want to believe that the mother may be saying anything bad about your husband, but it's a possibility and a concern, one that should probably be expressed to her. Maybe just talking with her will help. Now, I will say that I am much closer with my step mom than I am with my dad so maybe they just feel more comfortable with you than with your husband. Some counseling may be needed for them.

Dear D.,

I have a 9 year old step daughter, who is a wonderful little girl, I have been married for a couple of years now. Though we never had the problem regarding any animosity towards her dad, she loves her daddy tremendously and he adores her too, and loves spending time with her, we could tell though that she was "conditioned" not to speak about anything that went on at her mothers, ESPECIALLY when her mother found out about me, and at times she even mentioned that she wasn't allowed to talk, which was very sad, and you could see the stress in her face when we asked her a simple " how her week was".. she didn't know if that was an okay topic,(we have her every weekend during the school year and mon thr fri during the summer), since I'm a stay at home mom we have been able to bond. what I can tell you is that it takes time, don't stop asking how they are doing and what they do when they are at their moms, I try to say and express all positive things, what fun things did you do?, how was your sleep over? etc. the girls will trust you more and eventually talk...that is what is happened with me, I try to not make a big deal, to be non-chalant so to speak so it doesn't seem like i'm asking her questions out right and putting her on the spot, small talk will lead to big talk... sometimes I'm the one that will share information with her dad that she has shared with me, and he always makes it a point NOT to re-address with them right away, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, my husband understands and appreciates what information i have and knows she will eventually share it with him, that way she doesn't feel ganged up on, or like she's in trouble...just use words like, it's okay to talk, we don't keep secrets in this family, and never talk bad about her mother, REGARDLESS, (my husband & his ex communicate as little as possible, and there is lots of tension there) trust me I know it's hard, but she's been more comfortable sharing stories and trips that she does w/ her mom, and we make a big deal about telling her that it sounded like she had a great time w/ her mom, it gives her reassurance and the confidence that it was okay to share her story, and that it's not a bad thing, she's not going to get in trouble, you'll have to win their trust, and make sure that they know it won't get back to their mother if they do share something difficult and personal...I don't know if you have family dinners, but that is the time we all go around the table and share what we did for that week,especially fri/sat when she's been @ school and at her moms all week, and it helps her to hear our stories too....good luck..on a side note, since there are two of them, maybe trying doing small talk on a one to one basis, where they can't gang up or feed off of each other, maybe you can spend time w/ one daughter and your husband the other, your husband may have more luck that way..one last thing, give those girls lots of love and attention, don't stop being a positive role model to them, in our house the word "step" is rarely used, we say "our family", it really helps her feel important and good and confident.

I have a question, does their mom date? or have a steady boyfriend? Maybe the problem is not their dad, but the relationship they have with another male figure. A lot of times kids associate thing in groups (ie men, women, kids, adults). If that is not something that could be the problem maybe you should incorperate some "fun time" for daughters and dad. Find something they like to do and do it together (i.e. play dress up, go for bike rides.) It sounds like he also needs to talk to them more. Not just for things he needs to know, but for everyday things. Make it a point to have dad be the one to ask how their day was, or what their favorite color is. When they start to cry dad should take the time to say "honey, why are you upset?" Get them talking. There is something bothering them and they need to talk about it.

Hi D.,

I'll be honest, the only experience I have here with step kids is being a step kid myself. So I guess I can offer an opinion on what its like to be a step child. :)

Your story sounds very similar to the situation I had growing up. I had a new step mom when I was 6 or 7 and I remember latching on to her. (Unfortunately, it turned out she didn't really want a kid in her life, so there were a few issues there.) I think I gravitated to her because of the lack of parenting I got from my mother. Anyway, I'm sure this hurt my father. We have never been close. We never figured out how to communicate with one another I guess.

So I guess my point would be to do as the other ladies have suggested. Try having some daddy/daughters time and maybe even seperate them so you can have one on one time and he can have one on one time. Your husband needs to find a way to communicate with the girls. It sounds like their mother may be having some negative influence on the relationship between them and him. (its sad when this happens, and your husband is going to have to fight his way into their hearts.) He needs to assure them that he loves them very much and that he will always be there for them. And most importantly, he needs to show them that he is trustworthy. It could take quite some time to get to the point that they talk openly with him and feel comfortable being around him.

Good luck with all of this. I hope I was able to help somewhat. I feel like I am rambling and not making any sense here.

just my $0.02

I've done this with my nephew, and will use the same technique with any children who are in my home... or under my care.

When/if the child does/says something disrespectful. I get down to their level (so I don't seem so big) and make sure that I'm close, but not in their face and I wisper. (I don't want to embarrase them, I want them to feel I'm also being respectful). I say something like "Was Uncle John mean to you?" child answers "no". "Is he respectful of you?" answer "yes". "Does he do nice things like take you to eat and play games". answer "yes". Okay... then, you have no business being rude to him (still in a whisper, calm voice). You won't get anything to drink until you apologize to him and are ready to tell him what you want nicely.

end of conversation... pretend as nothing else has gone wrong. Enjoy the time with the other children and each other. Ignore the child who throws the tantrum. After a few mins, they'll come around and say something like "sorry.... can I have some milk".

Key points to making this work:
adults must stay calm
don't ask for an apology, let them know they must give it
don't force a time table, let them come around when they are ready
let them know in a respectful way, that they are being respectful... if you are yelling at them, they'll yell back. talk or whisper, and they will talk or whisper
don't embarrase them

Hope it helps you.

btw... they are not respecting you if the are disrespecting your husband... the 2 of you are one. (again, my .02)