Hi L.,
Here is what I did - I think some of it helped me along the way with having less battles over food.
The biggest thing to remember I think (looking back on it) is to take the emotion out of it. It's just food. Kids are like animals except they smell guilt and emotion instead of fear!!!!!! So, the less you have of it the less they can lord over you. And they will!!!!!!!!!
1. For toddlers - I would say up until they are even as old as 4 you can't look at their eating on a meal-by-meal basis. You have to look at it on an almost "rolling 3 day" basis. Because they won't be consistent from meal to meal. Some mornings my daughter would eat like a horse. the next morning like a bird. the next day non-stop. the next 2 days like a bird etc etc etc. They are really listening to their bodies. WE teach them to stop doing that!!!!! (which is bad).
I also use this same concept with what she eats at what meal. So breakfast doesn't have to be breakfast food. We have had leftovers from Tuesday for Thursdays breakfast. As long as you are getting everything in the food pyramid in the correct amounts for their age and activity levels it doesn't matter if someone says 'don't eat pork roast and salad for breakfast'. Well, Why not?????? My portions were ok and it will even out with my food pyramid for the day. So, who cares????
2. I let her have 'free range' over snacks. This one was controversial (both in my family and with friends - and really even strangers on the street if they found out), but I believe to this day that it's one of the reasons she makes good eating decisions. The bottom crisper drawer in my fridge and a basket in my pantry were 'hers' with snacks she could have ANYTIME SHE WANTED. Yes. 10 minutes before dinner she could pull something from the snack bin and have it. because it was all HEALTHY food. cut up broccoli, diced ham, baby carrots, celery, small bottles of water, string cheese. In really really small portions. Why do I care if she eats 2 stalks of celery before dinner and then eats LESS peas at dinner? I don't. It's the exact same concept, but we had NO food battles and I never had to feel like she was deprived.
3. We had an "I don't want any" portion from the very beginning. Which was basically one regular size bite. The rule is everyone has at least an 'I don't want any" portion of EVERYTHING. I can't tell you how many times she had 6 or 7 "I don't want any" portions!!!!!
4. I never had a "clean your plate" rule or anything like that. I started out with a reasonable amount of food for her age and what her habits had been the last couple of days. It's always easier to have a 2nd helping then to battle over what's left (or worse, they learn to eat everything on their plate when they are full, but have stopped listening to their bodies). If she was done, I put the food away. There were nights that if she was hungry an hour later I offered her the rest of her dinner (or she could always have the snack bin food).
5. I'm not a short order cook, but there are sometimes when I do make 2 meals. Depends on what it is. I LOVE chili and cornbread in the winter, and for me that's a meal. But she'll have an "I don't want any portion" and that's it. So then, what does she eat???? So, I bake her a chicken breast or whatever. It's not all the time, but I think it does show her that I do care about how she feels.
6. It's ok to take the food away if they are playing with it. Kids LOVE to play with food. It's cool textures and temperatures and it's REALLY fun to make mommy mad!!!!! Don't engage. Once they mis-use it (and that's really my rule for anything.... food, toys etc) it's gone.
7. I didn't have a 'sit at the table until everyone is done' policy. Kids are kids. They need to sit at the table and behave using good table manners (age appropriate) until they are done and we have had whatever family conversation we are having. Then they take their plate etc to the sink and they can be dismissed. If the rest of the adults are lingering, they shouldn't have to endure torture.
8. My daughter "helped" me with dinner from the time she was 2. "take the napkins to the table" and then bigger "which veggie would you like? There is brocolli and grean beans in the fridge. pick one for us to have and put it in the strainer", "please rip up the lettuce and put it in the strainer". I wanted her to feel involved and like she was a part of things. The 30 or 45 minutes they are helping you with dinner is 30-45 mintues they AREN'T texting their friends, or staring at the TV. They are interacting with you. Plus time when you aren't staring at your kids and you are all engaged in some sort of activity is the BEST time to have meaningful talks about stuff that embarrasses them!
9. Pretty early on I started asking her to 'consider what else you have had' before making a food decision. Mom, can I have a cookie? Well, what have you had to eat today? Do you think you should have a cookie? cookies aren't inherently bad (Says the mom who responded earlier about her own big a**!!!!) but they become bad if you eat 10 of them or if you eat them all the time. So, if she's had a glass of juice and it was nacho day at school, well then, maybe no cookie today. But if we've eaten really good that day, then sure - have a cookie.
10. Juice is evil. Don't start. Get your kids to drink water. Juice/Gatorade/Powerade/lemonade it's all almost the same as just giving them a coke. I thought I was making a BETTER choice by going with juice, but nope!!!! So just give them the choice of milk or water. That's it.
OK - last one. Boy remember never to ASK me for opinions again. I didn't realize I had so many about food until I started typing!!!!!
11. Not food, but related. Activity cures EVERYTHING. The more your boys are active - soccer, sports, swimming the more food takes care of itsself.
Just my $0.02
B.