Need Advice on Sleeping Arrangements - Fast

I agree too, with most posts here....Marriage is ALWAYS first priority. Men NEED their wives (together on issues and in the bed!) to succeed everyday. Without their wives, they are handicapped. He's right - the baby will do fine in her own bed. Good luck....Persevere through a week's worth of tough love.

Ummm...I have a very hard time relating to your plight. Your husband (I'm assuming he works) needs to get a good night sleep so he is well rested. Lack of sleep causes fatigue, weight gain, perhaps falling asleep at the wheel of the car, and so many more dangerous situations! You should be happy that he has lasted a year!

You don't mention if you are a stay at home Mom or if you work. Your 7 year old and 5 year old kids are probably in school, so you have plenty of time to nap when your baby naps...so being tired during the day comes with the territory. If you had done it six months ago you would have been tired already because she would have still needed the feeding during the night. Hindsight is 20/20 though.

Where does the baby take a nap? In her crib or do you sleep with her then too? If you are still breastfeeding that much in the middle of the night...you may want to talk to the baby's doctor! She shouldn't need it and won't it cause problems with her teeth in the long run?

I'm sorry if I'm harsh here, but you need to take the bull by the horns and let go. Figure out a plan and start preparing your daughter for the inevitable. Your daughter needs you to be the grown up here and make tough decisions.

Move her to her crib tonight! The kids need their Dad just as much as they need their Mom! Good luck to you .... It sounds like you are a GREAT Mom...sorry to be tough on you :-) it's all with good intentions!

I do NOT feel that your husband is only thinking of himself. I agree with him. You need to tend to your marriage as well as your children. There needs to be a good balance. Besides after the kids are off to college or get married, all you have left at home is each other.
My daughter is 12 months old and she hasn't had a middle of the night feeding since she was probably 4/5 months old. There is no need for it. At this point she is almost a toddler. She should be becoming more independent and growing as a person, well as much as she can at this point cause I know she is only 1. She definately should be able to self soothe. Let me tell you it is a blessing to have my daughter put herself to sleep around 8 when I put her down. It doesn't mean I love her any less because I've let her cry it out.
It's great because I have so much more time at night for housework and for my husband. I'm just curious as to what your pediatrician says/thinks about the night feedings?
Good luck with whatever you decide.

We love to co-sleep too, but everyone needs to be ok with it. It is hard to "sort of co-sleep" if both parents are not in agreement, but I will say that our friends who went through cry-it-out (or any other method) came out the other side just fine, and my biggest advice is that if you decide to stop cosleeping it has to be committed -- to go back and forth will be difficult for everyone. This is one of those things where it has to be one or the other, and if you need a day or two to think about it some more then maybe it is ok if your husband sleeps on the couch for a bit. But once you decide either way, stick with it and all will be well.

Good luck!

A.,

This is a tough decision to make, and one only you and your husband can make, but your daughter will be fine if she sleeps in her crib. By 12 months your daughter no longer physiologically needs the calories from the night nursings, especially 2-3 times a night, but may need it out of habit or comfort. She's at an age where she's ready to learn some self-soothing techniques. If you feel she still needs the nighttime nursings and is waking up in her crib, then feed her and put her back in the crib.

I know the bond with your daughter is amazing, and co-sleeping has a special closeness, but your husband's frustrations are very real. Everyone knows how much your life changes when a baby comes, but your husband seems ready to have a small part of his life back - his bed.

You just need to ask yourself if your baby is sleeping with you because it's good for her or because you enjoy it. I'm sure it's hard to believe she's already 12 months old, but there are transitions she's ready for (and your husband is ready for, too).

Good luck to you and your husband!

I coslept w/ my daughter until she was about 7 months old - then she "moved out" into her crib, which was still in our bedroom. Now at 14 months she sleeps through the night and shares a room w/ her older brother (she moved to his room around 12 months). Agree w/ PP - you ALL need to be ok w/ sleeping arrangements. Try the side-carred crib, or just try a crib in your bedroom. I also, personally, think there is a difference btwn "cry it out" and letting her fuss a little bit. I feel ok about letting my baby fuss (but not cry hysterically) for a minute or two before responding to her. I do not feel ok about letting her scream. Anyway, you will find what works for you, but I found that once I moved my daughter to her own crib a lot of the little fusses that used to turn into a night-time meal suddenly disappeared and she rolled over and fell back asleep before I could even respond to them.

Hi A..
We do not co-sleep, but I agree with PP. Everyone needs to be on board. Can you compromise and use a pack and play or crib in your room? If you are fine gettting up to nurse every 2-3 hours, then keep doing it, but your baby will be okay sleeping for longer periods of time. Good luck!

The longer you wait to let her cry it the worse it will be for you and her. Unless your crib is one that was made to butt up to the parent's bed then this is not a safe alternative. The sooner your daughter learns to self pacify the better, most babies I know can self-pacify before 3 mos. The crying it out should only last a few nights at this age but once she is truly mobile it will be much harder for her to learn.

Hi,
I was the SAHM and my husband was working.
I always wanted to make sure, that his sleep is not to much interrupted during the week.I had my babies next to me in bed for about 2 month and than transfered them into a crib.
Yes it will be hard at first, but with everything, it takes maybe a week or to, to form new habbits and those two weeks are going to be stressful,but in the end,you and your husband will have a more peacful sleep and less stress due to the sleeping arangements.
I believe that is the first step to independence for your child.It is never to early to start.The Baby whisperer book helped me alot to get the baby on a schedule.But I remember those hard days.........
Good luck to you,

You may find this a blessing in disguise. Many (most?) babies are sleeping through the night by 12 months. If Julie can learn to self sooth and get back to sleep on her own you may be done with all those night feedings! Then you can all get more sleep (and possibly a little more love!). :)

Good Luck!

www.thosecrazybeans.blogspot.com

I'm disgusted by the resposnses you are getting! It IS normal for a 12 month old to get up to nurse! It IS normal for a 12 month old to sleep with her parents! It IS normal for you to like it and want to continue it! I also think that you all need to be on board with it in order to have a good marriage. I would try the crib suggestion in your room sidecarred on to your bed. DON'T let anyone convince you that they only way to have an independent child is to let them CIO. The only one that benefits is the one who doesn't want to get up, not the child! It doesn't "teach" anything other than crying doesn't get a response from mommy or daddy and that to me is not a good lesson learned. YOur husband will get past this but if you stop what works for you and your baby, you won't. Your sleep is important too, not just his! I suppose I'm going to get some angry pm's in my inbox later.....But I feel very strongly on this and am sick and tired of the CIO people always trying to convince us that our way is wrong when in fact it is what has worked since the beginning of time. Cribs and ignoring your baby is a new concept. Good luck and if you need more advice please let me know.

I'm another to support your hubby. A 12 month old does not NEED to nurse at night. She is getting solids during the day, and should not be hungry between 10pm and 6am. She is only nursing because it's available....you are providing an "all you can eat" buffet 24 hours a day.

It will be hard for her (and you) to give up the feedings at night, but I don't like the Cry It Out method either. Just go to her when she needs you, but don't nurse her.

You will be a zombie for a while, but this should have been done 6 months ago. You will be glad when you can all sleep through the night, and you can nurse her during the day for many months to come.

Your husband trumps the baby in this situation. Give him his bed back. :)

I understand you want to keep the "baby" being a baby as long as you can. But it's time you need to wean her from nursing because by now she should be sleeping thru the night so you are really doing her a disservice. Also your husband has been patient for TWELVE MONTHS I truly believe he is being reasonable. Sounds like you need to have a sit down with your self and not think with your heart but with your head. Not to be cruel but this sounds like it's all about your needs....cut the cord.

I don't want this to sound rude but She's 12mths old, she is ready to be a big girl and sleep in her own bed. I know you love her and love being close to her, but I think that she would thrive on her own, you don't want to make her totally dependent on you, I think moving her would be harder for you than it would be for the baby. She should easily make it thru the night without a feeding, I am surprised shes up that much wanting to eat, it must just be habit, because she is plenty big enough to sleep thru the night without eating.
Also, you can't forget about your husband and marriage..a happy marriage is a happy family. I hope you guys can come to an arrangement that's good for all of you. Good Luck, you can do it!

In my experience with my three kids the earlier you get them into their crib the easier it is for everyone. Your daughter doesn't NEED to eat throughout the night at this point she is using it to sooth herself back to sleep. I know it is nice for both of you right now but the longer she goes without learning to "self sooth" the harder it will be for her. I am all for comforting a child when they need it but she also needs to learn to comfort herself a little or you are doing her a disservice. GOOD LUCK! This is going to be a hard transition whenever you decide to do it.

sorry if I am harsh but you need to let go...She is ready to sleep in a crib. If you are still nursing that's fine but she shouldn't need to nurse in the middle of the night!!! A year is a long time to co-sleep and I can see your husband's point. You need to work together and transition her into her own room so that the two of you can reconnect.

At 12 monthes your baby really shouldn't need to be fed at all much less 3 times during the night. I'd work on weaning off the night time feedings first and then worry about sleeping arrangements. If you normally nurse for say 20 mins. cut it down to 15 for 3-4 nights, and then decrease incrementally every couple nights, until she's no longer nursing at night. When my son was abour 6 mos old he used to wake up to feed every night around 3am. My Dr. said he didn't need the calories and to decrease like I'm advising you. It was surprisingly easy for us, and he didn't seem to be upset. I think it was more of a comfort thing. GOOD LUCK!

My fiance and I co-sleep with our daughter. It's great, but if your husband is starting to object, it's time to move her into her own bed. Moving the crib next to your bed would be a GREAT start. We use this method still, and she USUALLY sleeps through the night. I don't think that your 12 month old should still be eating that much throughout the nite. She is probably just doing it out of habit now. She is at an age where it isn't necessary for her to eat in the middle of the night. I would start trying to put her back to sleep instead of feeding her everytime she wakes up. Or maybe even try giving her water instead. The longer you allow her to feed that often, the longer she will continue to do it. You won't be making her go hungry, and you'll soon see that once she gets used to not having to eat, she'll sleep longer.

Oy, lots of different advice for this one, but what matters most of all is what YOU feel right doing. If you want to continue to co-sleep and night nurse then do it! I did this with my youngest daughter and I just slept on an areo mattress every night with her set up in her bedroom until she moved in to her own big girl twin bed and then if she woke up I just went in her room and slept with her in there.

I would put her to bed in her crib after her bedtime feeding and when she woke in the night I just got up and we moved to the air matress and slept the rest of the night there together. Over time, she woke less and slept longer periods on her own. You don't have to CIO if you don't want to. It all depends on what you are willing to put up with. I weaned her at about 13 months but did continue to co-sleep. Not sure if you are ready to wean, as this may be the harder part for you.

If your husband has a problem with this then tell him that moving your daughter to a crib will be his job b/c taking away the night nursings will not be easy. It will probably go more smoothly if he is the one checking on her if you do decide to put her in the crib.

Despite what most people feel about co-sleeping, it is the norm in most cultures. I knew what I was setting myself up for by letting my daughter sleep with me, but I decided I didn't care what others thought and that by sleeping with her the both of us got a good night's sleep. I cannot function without it, and I have another child too. I see that you do too. Eventually my co-sleeping daughter learned to sleep on her own in her big girl bed, and yes it took until almost her 5th birthday, but you know what? I loved sleeping with her. Do what feels right for you.

I can't comment on putting your hubbie first, I do not share that sentiment . I told him point blank that unless he is willing to wake up all the time in the night when the children need someone then he can just get over it. My hubbie never helped at night, he could sleep through a fire alarm!

Best of luck to you, it will all work itself out in the end.

i did that to my childs crib and though it is slightly lower than my bed it works well! The first night she was not happy but soon she was coming into bed to nurse and then rolling over into her crib to sleep! I would tell my husband if he wants her in the crib he can go get her every time she wakes...or go to the couch!

O and for the nursing at night...molars are coming in at this age. They are painful and your child can count on you being there to relieve that pain. Nursing is a natural pain reliever! If you are fine with her nursing then please DO NOT wean her. That could be very traumatic for a baby. I am reading what others are posting and do not want you to doubt your night nursing. If they are a problem for you then yes by all means change it but if you are not bothered then there is no need for anyone to make you feel guilty. My child did the same at that age and as soon as those molars came in she only woke once. Now she is up again with the incisors. It is perfectly normal for your child to be nursing at night at this age. I am sure you have also read the research on co sleeping and know you are doing the best thing for you and then baby. Maybe do a little research and show your husband. If you are in the NW suburbs I can point you to some breastfeeding support groups so please email off list! Good luck and trust your gut!!! (especially with the flu season coming you dont want to quit nursing now!)

A 12 month old baby does NOT need to eat 3-4 times during the night. In fact, they don't need to eat during the night at all. Your baby should be capable of sleeping through the night at least 8 hours, if not longer. If it were me, I would quickly get the baby into her own crib and wean her off the nighttime feedings. I'm sure it will be a challenge now that she's so used to the current situation. You'll just have to give it time and be patient. Good luck!

um...I'll admit that it is hard for me to relate to the conflict here because as much as I loved co-sleeping with my infant daughter my first goal was to get her to sleep through the night so that all of us could start getting on a normal sleep schedule.

It may seem normal to some people to nurse a child all through the night, but it is NOT necessary. AND I would argue that in the end the longer you nurse through the night the harder it will be to establish normal eating habits.

Sleep is a very important part of being human, your body uses sleep to cleanse the body of toxins, to renew cells and repair damaged cells and rest the brain. Although most people can survive on a continuously interrupted sleep schedule no doctor would recommend continuing that pattern if it is fixable. So for the sleep factor alone, for everyone I would encourage you to respect your husband who obviously loves and cares for you and your child to allow something that has bothered him for 12 months to continue for so long. It is never easy when a child comes into the marriage, we as women, often feel like we are put in situations where we have to sacrifice our husband's happiness or our motherly wishes for our children. It sucks, believe me I have been there so many times! Talk to him, tell him why you are hurt, or frightened ask him to help you transition your daughter. You don't have to make your daughter cry it out, in fact with as much as she nurses, she'll be up half the night screaming. I would say to develop a plan with your husband, the first time your daughter wakes send Daddy, he can comfort or rock her, giver her a pacifier, whatever, but he obviously can't nurse. The next time she wakes you go to her and nurse-repeat. Eventually try to get to the point where you only nurse once and then not at all.

Any time you change a child's habits it is hard, be a team with your husband, make it a goal you can both work toward and he will feel blessed to be included and proud to help you and your child. Just remember you aren't choosing between your husband and your child, you already planned on doing what your husband asks, you are just honoring his wishes a little earlier than you had hoped.

But there is a reason why most of us have all encouraged you to respect your husband's wishes, without a solid marriage and acting like a team when making parenting decisions, you'll set a pattern of discontent that WILL be detrimental to your child.

There may be many times that you will need to stick to your guns, but when it is something that inevitably will happen anyway just work with your husband.

I agree with most of the other posters...by 12 months she should be in her own crib and sleeping through the night. I nursed my son til he was 18 months old, but he's slept through the night since he was 4 months old, in his own crib. The longer you wait the harder it will get to make that change. Make sure she has plenty to eat before she goes to bed. It sounds like she is using you for more of a pacifier than anything. She might even sleep better too if she has her own space. Just make sure she's warm and comfy. I'm assuming she uses the crib for her naps, but if not you might want to get her used to doing that first! Good luck!

Just wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat as you. My 15 month old baby co-sleeps with me and still nurses a few times a night. I always go with what works. I wouldn't change how we do it for anything. It is nobody's business, I just don't tell people if I feel like I will be judged. I would try the crib pushed up to the bed. I am thinking of trying it soon too. My husband is getting a little frustrated, but time flies by and all three other of our children are great sleepers now. They all switched to their own bed around 18 months. Once again, just wanted to let you know that other people are in the same situation as you.....and I choose to nurse and co-sleep. I feel like it is a natural, selfless sacrifice for my children! Your husband is a grown man, he will survive!

I second Jennifer S. There is no need to be feeding her that much. She can sleep through the night she just doesn't because you don't let her. If she slept in her crib she would fine and would not wake up. It will be hard the first week but trust me, your whole house will benefit. Your daughter will get the sleep she needs and your husband and you will have better harmony. Did your other children sleep in the bed that long?

We do the same our daughter is 10mo now and she is definitely kicking my husband out of bed. We have seriously considered a king size bed to make up for the lack of room. Also I start her in her own room and then when she wakes up for her first feeding she comes to our bed. It helps our love life and it makes my husband feel like we are starting to transition her. If she is not taking to her crib she starts out in our bed and we take some couple time in another room of the house. Also talk to your husband about it knowing it's a hot button issue for you both, make sure you really understand what is bothering your husband, is it that he is waking up exhausted every morning from the night wakings, or is it more the lack of intimacy in your relationship with baby always between you. And figure out how you can meet each others needs and explain to him how her frequent night wakings effect you, and how much less crying occurs when you can nurse her in your bed. Good luck, and I'm jealous my daughter only does 45min. on her own so far. :)

How about starting baby in her crib for the night, and then bringing her to your bed at her first wake up? Do this for a week or so, then put her back in the crib at the first wake up (after nursing). Into bed with you on the second wake up. As baby starts to get used to sleeping alone, she will hopefully start to sleep longer stretches. Eventually you can night wean, and then she will probably stop waking up all together. What has worked really well for my family (two little girls) is to have daddy go in to her when she wakes up in the middle of the night. He can comfort her, rock, sing, pat her back, to help her get back to sleep. After a couple of weeks of this, my girls gave up the wake ups because they knew they wouldn't get "nursies."

My 19 month old is down to nursing once around 4:00 a.m. I'm thinking of "getting tough" on her (ha ha) around her second birthday and cutting out that last night time nursing session.

Let your husband know that his needs and your marriage are important to you too, and hopefully he will be willing to make the change gradually.

What are CIO people?

A., I am one of those moms who didn't want a baby in my bed. ever lol. but from the standpoint of her nursing every 2 to 3 hours. that is not necessary at her age. If she is hungry then feed her a good filling snack. start a new routine that she will fight tooth and nail but start it now. Don't let your husband move out of the bedroom. that will be the beginning of the end of your marriage. I would start her in the crib at nap time. and then at bedtime start your "new" routine. snack / bath / story /bed. It is not out of line for your husband to want the bed back with just you in it. She may cry a little bit but she will get over it quickly. and just think. if your hubby has the bed back she may have a sibling before to long.
S.

A.,

My husband and I co-slept with both of my children and the experience was great! There is a time though it is best that your 1 year old child sleeps in her own bed. I am not saying go cold-turkey, start out with putting the crib in your room and work your way to transferring the crib in her own room. The children will grow up and leave, but your husband is there (should be)forever. Once your husband is out of the room, chances are the relationship will go sour. Talk to your husband to see if you can compromise with a solution.

I feel your pain/worry. Your husband is only thinking of himself. My husband felt the same way and I told him I was willing to put my son in his own room, but when he woke up to get fed, I expected my husband to come with me. That way, he'll get a better understanding of why you perfer to have your daughter sleep with you. I see why he's upset and to be honest, your daughter should be sleeping thru the night without needing to be fed. You can try to put her in her own crib, but chances are, she'll have to cry it out (something, you'll find very hard to do).

Good luck.

~C.

Personally, I think everyone - including the baby- will work it out just fine if she goes to her crib, but if it will make you miserable, then that isn't a great option for your family! Have you tried one of those side-cribs that are made to be right up against your mattress? They are like a regular crib or bassinet, but with only 3 sides ( I think they have a 4th rail that can be pulled up to use if you want to) but they are made especially to go right up against the mattress of your bed. That way, baby is right beside you, but in her own space. Your husband is not squished, you have the convenience and peace of mind of having the baby right there, and she learns to sleep on her own a little more, but is still in the room with you. Or maybe even move her crib into your room and rock her to sleep until you put her down? She'll get used to it, I swear she will! That at least shows your husband that you are aware of his needs too and willing to try for a compromise. Good luck!!

If he responds to logic, there is an excellent book by Dr. James McKenna about the safety and research of breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

Some people add a second bed to the room to add space.

As I say--who wants to make love in bed, lots of other/more fun places. promise creativity?

Fact: your baby will wake up. who's going to suffer?

Soon enough, your daughter will be in her own bed sleeping through the night.

My sister did this and it turned into a nightmare. There son would not fall asleep with out some one sleeping with him til he was in 6th grade. They tried the crying it out and after a couple hours they stopped and went and got him. At age 2 they tried putting him in his own bed, no way. Since it was a full size bed my brother in law just slept in the bed with him and when he was going into 6th grade and starting puberty he finally ended up sleeping all by him self. Needless to say he is an only child and my husband said there is no way is our son sleeping in our bed every night. He was very adamant about this rule and he stood strong. I laughed because I was a stay at home mom and when my husband (his Dad) would leave for work he would come in and crawl in our bed. He said it was warmer. I always got a chuckle out of that.
Each child is different but I would get her out of your be and into her own bed. She should be starting to sleep through the night. By age one our son was down to one cat nap and by age 2 was done with the nap thing 100%. He slept through the night by 6 months or maybe earlier.
Everyone may give advice but you really need to do what is right for your family.

Good Luck

A.,
First I have slept with all my kids until they were about 3 1/2 I have of them they all nursed til they were about 2 but that is our family worked. I currently have a 2 year old still with us and still nursing. We have the sidecar(side of crib off and against my side of the bed) going she sleeps in it most of the night.
Second only recently have humans decided that our infants and toddlers should sleep separately from parents. Is dad going to get up at night to help with night parenting? Then you should have the final say about where everyone will sleep the best. Trust your instincts and them stick to them. Good luck!
J. O
Mom to five

Please teach her to sleep through the night by taking away feedings at night, but since your husband is the one pushing for not sleeping in the same bed. He needs to share in the night time transfer to the crib. It will take a little doing but once she has sleeping through the night you and her will have better, more energetic, healthy days. Make sure you feed her enough during her wake hours that you can put her down at a reasonable time. Use this time to reconnect with your husband. If this is your last child I know it's hard to let the baby stages go, I know I'm on my last and want each day to last forever.

It is safe if you do it correctly. Have you tried posting this on the forum at mothering.com? You can browse the archives there too and see pics, examples, etc of how people co-sleep safely and comfortably.

Personally, we have a king mattress and a queen mattress together plopped on the floor with no beds. I sleep in the middle with my daughter against the wall and my husband sleeps on the other mattress, but still close to me. If we want to snuggle, etc, then I scoot onto "his" mattress and then if the baby wakes, I slide back to the other mattress.

If the baby is waking him, there is not too much you can do other than try to block the noise. Has he tried earplugs? There are also white noise options that might help like a fan, a white-noise machine ($10 at walmart), etc.

Here are some links on how to arrange the crib

http://www.yellbaby.com/info-sidecar-crib.html

http://purplekangaroopuzzle.blogspot.com/2005/07/sidecar-...

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/f-...

Lastly, I would let him sleep in the other room if he is going to give you ultimatums. If you are going to put her in a crib, there needs to be a slow gentle transition, not just deciding to plop her in a crib and let her CIO. I understand if he is exhausted or frustrated, but he needs to see your point of view as well. How about putting her to sleep and then having some snuggle time with DH and THEN him going to another room to sleep? Or maybe you could even sneak out to have time in the other room (if your sleeping situation is safe to leave her while you exit the room, have a monitor on, etc.) and then come back later. I wasn't able to do this until later but now we put my daughter (21 months) down at 8:30, sneak out and watch tv and have couple time to talk or whatever, then she wakes a couple hours later and we all go to sleep together for the night at that point.

Hope this helps!
Kudos to you for breastfeeding and co-sleeping!
:)
M.