Need Advice on Potty Training 4 Year Old - UGH!

I"ve heard of people making their child clean up their own accidents when they're having them at this age. She may stop if she's the one who has to clean up and change herself???? Good luck.

At that age, it is behavioral not forgetfulness & you know it by the fact that she doesn't do it at school. I refused to clean it up when mine did that. I let him know it's gross, my poop/pee cleaning days with him are over and I refuse to do it so he would have to. Mine was 3 at the time.

I took him outside, told him to strip down and put the poop in an empty plastic walmart bag that I had brought outside and I held open the dumpster while he dropped the bag in. I demanded that he hold onto the soiled clothes while I sprayed them with the hose and squirted them with Dawn Antibacterial dishsoap (yes he got wet). He was to squeeze the clothes (at least somewhat) and put them in another walmart bag. Then I squirted him head to toe with the garden hose and the Dawn Antibacterial Soap, and told him to start washing. Of course he was crying the whole time b/c he was shocked I was taking such drastic measures at his expense and b/c he had expected ME to clean him up AND b/c it was outside no less and b/c the water was cold - but I ignored the crying b/c he wasn't hurt. (Adding to the memory by saying a few ewwwhs! and yuuuks! is optional). Then I gave him a small towel (like a face towel) and told him dry himself off and not come inside until he was dry. I didnt hurry him just b/c he was cold. He had to bring the walmart bag with the clothes into the laundry room then go take a normal bath. At NO time did I let him see me handle those soiled clothes to the laundry. I wanted him to know its HANDS OFF for me and if he wanted to make such messes in future, it would be he who would clean it up.

He did it once more (as i expected b/c he tests whether I am still for real on stuff) ...and I did the same thing again. He has never since made another "accident" (we both know it was no accident). Sorry, but once a kid is trained, I go on permanent strike & my cleaning services are terminated (at least as far as they know).

My daughter was about 3 yrs when we moved from TX to TN. She began having accidents too. I think it will take time for your daughter to adjust to the new babies AFTER they are home before she will continue to the potty as "normal". It took my daughter like 3 months to get back to "normal".

It is great that your boys will be coming home soon. I am sure that has added a great deal of stress to your everyday lives.

I have a daughter that is 6 years old. She has had potty problems off and on since she was trained at the age of three. I currently have her in play therapy due to problems in our home. Her therapist believes that her potty problems are a direct result of the stress in her life.

Like you, I have tried everything. Nothing worked. I finally stopped getting worked up, mad or disappointed. When she had the "accident" she would not tell me. She would lie about it. Then when I found out she would wait for me to react. So I stopped reacting completely. No punishment, no harsh words, no taking away toys....nothing. Just told her that I only wanted to help her with this problem. Since I did this, she has stopped again. Took 4 or 5 days for it to sink in but I hope that it works long term.

Not sure it would work for you. But there must be some underlying reason that she isn't telling you that is going on. It's so hard at this age.

Good luck.

J.

My 1st impulse is to say back off. Don't let yourself stress out over it, tell yourself, "This too shall pass." eventually :) If she wets during the day, I agree with the moms who say let her at least help clean it up. You might even say something (very calmly and matter of factly) while you're both cleaning like "I know this was an accident, but it's too bad this happened because we have to take time out from playing to clean up."
At night time, I'd either put a plastic cover on the bed or have her wear pull-ups til it stops.
With the twins coming home and all the busy things with that, plus the stress, don't stress over the potty business as well. Since you've already tried everything else you can think of, just let it go for now and focus on the adjustments you will ALL have to be making for the next few months.
GOD BLESS!

Lots of great responses. My son regressed about potty training after getting his tonsils out. He did fine at pre-school, but had trouble at home. I was frustrated b/c I thought he was "saving it for me". I later realized that the preschool took the kids all at the same time. It took me encouraging him to go at regular intervals for a while. "Let's go to the potty so we can get a treat!"

I also think the idea about teaching her to clean it is a great idea too.

Also, be patient (horrible timing for being patient with baby twins on the way home!) it took 3 months to "normalize" after baby came home.

Best wishes!

I know 4 seems old to not be potty trained, but please don't worry about it. I had a couple of late trainers too. I stressed about it endlessly at the time, but they just needed to do it on their own time.

It sounds like you all have alot going on right now. Even though she's young, she probably feels the stress that comes with all the change. Just take a step back, put her in pull ups and forget about it for a while. She's going through a big change from having you to herself to sharing you with new babies. Especially during your first couple weeks with them at home, let the time you spend with her be about something other than potty training.

If it doesn't resolve in a few months, talk to your pediatrician.

I hope all goes well.

Hello
My name is M. and I would like to say try explaining to your little girl it is her big sister job to help with the new baby boys and that also means that she will have to show them how to be a good big sister(including but not limited to going to the potty in her terms of course). let her know that the babys will love her just as much as you and her daddy do.
it seems that she is doing what most children do when they are not mommys only concern. if she has been seeing a lot or sometimes it only takes a little attention given to the unborn children she might be thinking her place is threatened . I know that seems a little deep but sometimes we adults forget that children are alot smarter than we give them credit for. Your daughter is already trained so she really just needs to feel extra special which from reading about your concern she is ,very loved and cared for I hope this helps. good luck

Do not make her wear anything while at home. If she feels "stuff" running down her leg, she might take the iniative to run to the potty. I know you've got your plate full but you never know till you try.

My daughter is almost 5 and we are still working on the night potty training. I actually submitted the question to the group and got ALOT of responses which it looks like you have too. I decided to wait until her 5 year checkup and discuss it with the doctor who I believe will say that she is just not ready. Good luck!

I understand your stress as I have had a preemie child and I know what goes with running back and forth to NICU and home.

It appears that your daughter needs to feel special and wants attention. In the chaos of the day, everyone has their attention on the boys and their coming home. Your daughter is able to have little to no incidents at school a place where she is having fun and their is no mention of babies. Then she comes home and the "baby talk" is there. I would approach her with asking her feelings about the babies coming home. I would stress that you all need her help as the big sister. I would stress how much fun and the things she will be able to do as the big sister. Take a moment in the chaos to do something special for the big sister. Do not punish her by humiliation as some have suggested. This is a period of adjustment. You know how you are feeling through the stress of the day and so many people think that children do not feel the stress as the adults are. Put yourself in her shoes..feel what she is hearing around her..see what she is seeing around her..Remember you did not even tell her that the babies had been born but I bet she knew something was going on and she felt left out so the need to bring attention to herself(to make sure that she still mattered in the family equation). So put the pull-ups on at night. Make her go to the potty more throughout the day. Set a timer when she is playing and when it goes off, potty time.

My son who was born premature was potty trained by age 3 1/2 yrs old. My daughter was fully potty trained by age 2 1/2 years old. My nephew who I have was potty trained by age 2 1/2 years old. For all, it took patience and more patience. We did use the reward method but never have I ever use humiliation or spankings.

Congrats on your babies coming home. Take a moment to exhale and smile and let the stress slide away. When you do this, your daughter will also. She will feel secure in her position within the family. You and her go get a manicure together so that she knows she is still important to the family

Just a side note, I have worked with families/children as a Early Interventionist and now will be assisting in the running of a daycare. I have learned that each child is different but each child has a need to be needed.

Just like you said normal life has just completely changed. I don't know how to get a kid to sleep through the night dry. At some point in time I notice that we are waking up dry for an extended period of time and that is when the pull ups go. You will have MUCH better things to do with your time then wash sheets. If she is doing fine at school and the problem is simply at home she is doing it just for you. Don't make a big deal out of it when she has an "accident." When my 3 year old has an accident he is aware of what needs to be done to clean it up and take care of it the only time he gets in trouble for it is when he doesn't clean it up. This is very easy for me I have slate floors. Make her clean it up and take care of the mess. Show her what to do and make it her job. With poop you might have to go back and clean again and it will suck but generally it only takes a time or 2 of making her rinse out her underware in the toilet for her to get it figured out that it is grose and much easier just to put it in the toilet to begin with. That is my first thought, the other is as soon as she comes home put a pull up on her. If she doesn't care to put it in the toilet oh well, there is no need for you to stress about the clean up it goes along the same lines as wahsing sheets in the middle of the night.

Set a timer for about when you think she may need to go, and then cheerfully say oops potty time, and have her go. Sometimes kids do get so involved in what they are doing they don't want to stop. Have her help clean up when she has an accident, but just clamly have her do it, don't make a big deal out of it, as you sure don't want that to be an attention getter, you want fun things for her to hve for attention. I don't blame you for having pull ups at night. But if accidents are far apart, I'd say this is normal. Sounds like a first priority for you is to let something go ( even if you think at the moment it is important) and get more rest , as being stressesd doesn't help with mothering. Something on your list maybe could be done at a later date or even NEXT year. Take care of you, and you will be better shape to take care of kids.

I have 4 1/2 year old twins that are just now completely potty trained. Yes, they still wear pull-ups at night and I would imagine will be for a while. They were not ready until after they turned 3. Even still, they do occasionally have accidents. I would recommend being extremely consistent. Have her go sit on the potty every 30 minutes if necessary. If my boys pee or poop in their pants these days, I know that it is because they couldn't be 'bothered' to go sit on the potty. They were too busy playing or watching a Thomas the Tank Engine movie! Be consistent and it will happen!

She probley has regressed this is one thing that she has control over and it gets your attention good or bad its attention. What you should do is start over it should only take a few days to get back on track. Start with taking her potty every 15 min, make it a constant thing so she doesnt have a chance to have an accident. If she has an accident make no coomment about it get her changed and cleaned up and just go on about the day and continue to take her potty every 15 min. Good news by going back to the basics it should take her no time to get back with it.

K.,
I don't think the night thing is for attention. My daughter was not night trained until she was 5 1/2 years old. I spoke to my pediatrician about it and he said that they do not even address it until they are over the age of 6. And even then it is just because they begin to have sleep overs and do not want them to be embarrassed. He gave me a great explanation as to the functioning and maturing of the brain/bladder when we sleep which really helped me understand what was going on. Once her body reached that maturity level it clicked and she never wet the bed again. I think that the bigger the deal you make out of it the bigger the deal it is to her. If you want peace of mind just keep her in pull ups. What difference does it really make in the big scheme of things. It makes it easier on everyone. Hope this helps.

K.,

This must be very stressful for you. You have my symphathies. Hang in there.

She's still a young 4, right? Just turned 4? My daughter didn't day train until 3 years and 2 months, without any outside pressures of new babies. It drove me crazy that it took so long. The more I pressured, the worse it got. Treats didn't work for us - it seemed my daughter was too smart for that and the power struggle reigned supreme. When I finally let it go and moved in another direction, she trained. Interesting the accidents don't happen at school - hmmmm. Her regression doesn't sound like a physical problem, but an emotional one -involving home - and you.

You describe yourself as self employed, "running on empty most of the time and completely stressed out." Did you know that your negative energy and stress bleeds off onto everyone that you come into contact with? Energy is a real, albeit invisible, force that affects humans health and behavior. This is very true. I know it's hard to believe. You think, what? You mean people around me are stressed out because I make them that way? But actually, this is the case.

Rather than focus on her, you might want to focus on you. Spend more time with yourself, nurturing you, so that you have more time to nurture your daughter. Get the massage, now. Learn breathing techniques. Solicit help with the new babies if possible. Read your daughter books - other than about potty. Go for a walk in nature. Play pretend tea party with her dollies. Throw a blanket on the lawn in the warm sunshine and have a "picnic" of easy snack foods and water. Give her a little tray to carry something out. Make her feel loved, useful, respected, appreciated, wanted, special and important. She'll train. She'll want to help with the babies. She'll want to please you. And she will!

My daughter didn't night train until she turned 5. I wouldn't worry about that now.

Congrats on the new babies! Good luck!

This is definately attention getting. I am not sure what to do but take her on a schedule every 30 min or 15. Set a timer and stick to it. Do not allow her to go all that time in between. She knows and girls are easier then boys. I would really push it. They say not to reward with bribes but that show on tv Jon and Kate plus eight trained all theres with one candy each time they went. A m&m There just has to be some way to get her trained before the kids come home. I took my two camping once and we had a van with a potty in there. I took them every 15 min or so and one was in the potty and the other one was sitting on the seat and my hubby slammed on the brakes and just as I was getting one up the other one fell in it. We came home without any kids trained. Good Luck and happy new babies. I had one little girl that the doctor said she had an over active bladder so make sure that is not the problem. G. W

My daughter went through something similar after we had our stillborn baby. From all the literature I've read, it's due to your daughter being under stress. She is also sensing your stress in addition to her routine being out of wack. This is completely normal considering the circumstances and you should not give yourself a hard time about it, but potty accidents is one of the ways it manifests itself.

In addition to accidents with my daughter, the potty issue had also become a struggle of wills. (My daughter is also a very strong-willed individual.) I don't know if this is the case with your daughter, but the way we worked through it with her was to set a timer. So she had an interest in the timer, I took her to the store to pick one out and explained to her what it was for. Young children need to empty their bladders at least every 2 hours and sometimes more often. You can set the timer for 2 hours and let her know that when the timer goes off it's time to go potty. She may fight you at first like my daughter did, but I just threatened her and followed through with spankings or time-out, and she got the picture after a few times. Now, when I can tell she needs to go potty I will ask her, "do you need to go potty?". She will usually say "no", so I ask, "do I need to set the timer?", and she says "yes". I then set it for only 1 minute.

We also did what we called a "potty chart". Every time she went pee pee or poo poo in the potty, she earned a sticker on the potty chart. After so many stickers (10-20), we all did something as a family (go to the movies, out for ice-cream, chucky cheese, etc). After she gets this down and earns at least one treat, you can increase the number of stickers required to earn the treat or start taking stickers away for accidents.

Regarding the diapers at night, just keep her in pull-ups until she gets it down. The night-time training usually will come later and it's nothing they can control consciously; they have to develop it physically, and it will come in time. Just leave her in them until they're dry consistently for about 6 months, and don't stress about that. It's nothing you or she can control. My daughter is 4 as well and still wears them at night.

Also, if you want a copy of our potty chart that you can print out, just email me at ____@____.com, and I will be happy to send it to you.

I understand how stressful it can be at a time like this, and I'm so happy for you that your boys are coming home from the hospital soon. Also, cut yourself some slack, you are doing the very best job you know how to do.

My oldest was 2 1/2 when I had my 25 weeker. They would have been almost 3 years apart if she had waited until her due date. My daughter was potty trained and then just got to the point she would pee in the floor right in front of the toilet instead of in it. She had to go back to wearing pullups because like you, I just couldn't handle it. I honestly think it is a power struggle. Once our preemie daughter came home she started doing much better. When she was in the NICU my oldest couldn't go in to see her so I don't think she understood why we were there all the time. So I would say give it some time and it will work itself out. If she will allow her to go back to pullups then just do that until everything else calms back down...once your boys are home and a schedule is set things should fall back into place for her...

One thing I learned the hard way, when my 4 year old was still not trained, was a parent can't make a child use the potty if they don't want to. My son is finally trained and it was rather easy when I let him decide when he wanted to use the potty. I would just put her in panties during the day and let her use the potty or not. It's messy, but if you get angry it will only make things worse. I wouldn't worry about night training. She can get to that later, just put her in a diaper or pull-up and get as much rest as you can. You're going to need it. As hard as things are for you right now, you're little girl has been dealing with some big changes, too. I remember when my now 9 month old was in the NICU and we had to constantly leave my 3 year old to go to the hospital. He didn't understand and it was impossible to fully explain the situation to him. We got through it and you will too now that you have all your little ones home with you. Congratulations!!!

Our daughter had similar issues around the same age, but her's was just attributed to playing and not wanting to stop to go potty. Our Pediatrician suggested that we sit her down in the morning and tell her she will only have 1 set of clothes to wear for the day. If she pottied in them, she would have to sit in a chair in front of the washer and dryer until the clothes were clean. We only had to do this one time to make an impression on her.
Good luck!
Jen D.- Frisco

I wouldn't worry about the night time potty training right now. They don't have conscious control over it. She'll be ready when she is ready. My son was potty trained at 22 months and my twin girls at 20 months. My son and one of my girls wore pull-ups at night until they were about 4.5 to almost 5. My other daughter potty trained at night before she was two. It is about bladder capacity, etc.

As far as the daytime potty training. Once my kids knew what they were suppose to do and still chose to have accidents, I popped their bare hiney's twice with a sharp pop and accidents ended very quickly. To me it was about obedience and once they were potty trained and chose not to go to the potty, then they were disobedient. Since we spanked for other blatant disobedience, this was no different to me.

Good luck and enjoy the twins! It is so much fun and such a blessing.

I feel your pain, take a lot of deep breaths, you are going to need to muster every ounce of patience you can get. I have 4 yr old twin girls and 21 mo old boy twins. My girls had trouble with potty training, too, and one was just like you describe. I think part of her issue was just being nervous about her world changing and she did not want to change over to going to the potty. This is what I did and it worked for me; I got the idea partly from posts on this list. I took my girls to Wal-Mart and had them pick out a special toy - whatever would be very special to them; they picked out Care Bears. I explained that these were the "Poopy Bears." When the girls went poopy in the potty, they got to play with their bears, but when they did not, the bears went into the closet until they pooped in the potty again. I remained calm. Taking the bear away was never treated like it was discipline or anything negative - it was just the nature of the bear. They would cry, and I would encourage them that I was just sure they would be able to go potty the next time and get the bear back. For my girls that really made them concentrate and get it. One of them continued to have those accidents like you described for some time, but it did eventually end. She grew more confident and would think about it more because of the bear contest. Good luck. Oh, and with twins on their way home, forget about the manicure and start planning the days that you may be able to either brush your teeth or take a shower; or perhaps get one or two hours of sleep.