Need Advice on My Relationship with My 14Yr Old Stepson.

I dont think the problem is as much about being a step mom as it is the fact he is 14. Google 14 y/o behavior and you will be surprised how they behave. here is one site.
http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/child/earlyadolescence.htm
His hormones are hormoning, he is feeling that he is grown-up and doesnt need to be told what to do. As far as his being fresh, depending on what he says it might not be fresh to his point of view, also his voice is changing and often what boys say at this age comes out sounding sassy, when its really their tone of voice.
If his parents have set the rules I would think its up to them to enforce them or at least enforce the consequences. At 14 he should be having less rules and restrictions rather than too many. If he is playing football for his school, his coach will have given him rules to go by, which include doing his homework. It might be time to let him decide some things himself and let him fail. I think a meeting with all four of you might help clear the air. Ask your SS what he wants and what he thinks his consequences should be for each infraction of rules. IE: Not doing a chore, perhaps an extra task, staying out late, earlier curfew, etc.
Above all TRY not to argue. I know this is hard, kids his age LOVE to argue, debate and in general upset the 'rents. Do not ask him a debatable question. Did you take out the garbage? when you know he didnt. Simply say please take out the garbage now, it stinks.
At other times it will do him good to get into a debate with you and it will bring you closer. Debate about the football game, politics, gas prices, stray dogs. Anything that isnt close to home, but gives you both some stimulating conversation. I used to disagree with my teens, just to hear their views, even if I agreed with them secretly. Then after they presented me with a good argument I could "see" their POV.

Hi A.,

I think teenagers are a breed I will never understand. There are times as a mom you will look at them and say "Wow, did I give birth to you!!!" As a stepmother I am sure it is even more difficult. I do not think your relationship is over I think it is just going through a rough patch. I think good old fashioned honesty is the best way to handle these situations. When my kids were teens I would always take any opportunity to talk with them when things were calm, not in the heat of the moment during an argument. Take a ride in the car to the mall, go out for dinner together, etc. Tell him how you feel and you want some feedback from him how he thinks things can get better. Let him know you want your relationship to improve and how important it is to you. Teenagers can be very nasty so even if you get the famous eye roll trust me he is listening. My kids are now 24 and 20 and I feel now at this point in our lives we can be friends. My role as their mom is in such a great place. When they were teens my daughter was no problem, my son gave me every gray hair I have LOL!. Now when we talk or go for dinner he tells me what a great job I did as a mom and when he has kids he will do the same things I did. We never end a conversation without saying I love you. He even has apologized for giving me such a hard time. When he was a teen if I said black he said white. There were days when I would be brought to tears from frustration and worry. So I think at this time in your step son's life being his mom or step mom doesn't really matter because going through the teen years is really difficult. Try to find something fun he likes to do and take the opportunity to communicate with him then I think it will help. Hang in there it does get better!!!

It doesn't sound like the relationship is in jeopardy, just in limbo right now. Just a thought... try taking him out to dinner/lunch and be honest with him. Tell him that you love him, that he is important to you and that the arguing is hurting you. He's 14 so he may not have a lot to say, but he will listen (especially if dad and mom aren't around). There's a good chance that he isn't sure where he fits in right now either- lots of back-and-forth and probably just started high school, new baby?

A private conversation that doesn't turn into a list of things he does wrong may go a long way. Point out too that he's the role model for his two younger brothers and that they will treat you the same way that he does. Be honest and to the point. Don't lecture or badger him.

You have to enforce the rules and that's not negotiable, but that doesn't have to equate with being a drill sargeant. Talk with his mother as well. If you have a relationship with her, she may be able to address his lack of respect. He's close to her and obviously respects what she says. If mom wants you to stick to the rules, then she needs to reinforce the expectations with the boys!

Having a 14 and 16 year old stepson myself, I can certainly empathize. Just keep in mind that at 13-14, hormones are starting to rage. Both of the boys got mean, cranky, and noncommunicative for a while. The older one is out of it, but the younger one is still kind of there. I'm sure you'll get other advice on how to deal, but sometimes all you can do is try to keep talking to him on an honest level and hope that it gets through someway, somehow. Good luck.

Krista P had some great advice. I agree, talk with his mother. He may be torn over the fact that there are two important women in his life. I think if you and his mother are a team, it will go a long way. I would even say that if you have a good relationship with her, you both bring him out to dinner or a even better something fun like a baseball game and hang out.