Need Advice on Influencing Husband to Spend Less Money!

I had the same problem with my husband. Growing up, his family always had money and mine did not. I went into the marriage coupon cutting and going to consignment stores while he always had to have name brand items and would buy things without thinking (one year he went on a spending spree and spent around $2000 that we did not have on Christmas presents).

The one thing that has helped us is going through a Financial Peace University course at my church. The course was written by David Ramsey (he also has a syndicated radio show and has a show on Fox Business). He teaches practical lessons on how to keep a budget, how to pay off all debts and how to save for the future. After the course, my husband has become a financial fiend. He price shops everything and is now wearing shoes we bought from WalMart and goes to a consignment shop for clothes. Whenever we talk about expenses, he actually talks in terms of wants vs needs. Oh...and look out if we can't put money into savings every month. This course has completely changed our lives.

If you are interested in finding a course in your area, you can follow this link: http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/.

Good luck

Can you try telling you want to sit down and talk about a budget with him. Prepare things so you have no interruptions, after the child/ren are in bed or if you can get someone to take the(m) away for an afternoon activity. Get all the bills out and write down all of them, all the due dates. Keep revolving bills together i.e. mortgage, car payments, loan payments, utilities etc... Other bills that are short term that don't get paid continually i.e. a credit card that does not get used all the time, gifts for birthday, Christmas, etc... Then list income as well. Remember to use only the income that is regular. List bonuses, overtime etc... on a separate line. This is income that can be used but not counted on for the monthly budget because it may not always be there. It is important to not be judgemental or mad about how money is spent. My Dad always felt like I make $_ per hour, I should be able to buy what I want. When he sat down and really saw how much everything cost together then he realized that he could not just go out and spend because the money was accounted for. Do this without being mad or upset about the money. If you get upset with him it will just put him on the defensive mode. This would also be a good time to write a wants and needs list. You NEED housing, food, car, car insurance, clothing etc... WANTS are things that would be nice to have but you can get by without it. Things on our WANT list are a new TV, new furniture, new car. At some point some of these things may change to NEEDS, like a car, if your car no longer runs and you need transportation to work so you can make the income. If you and your husband pray together, pray before hand for God to grant you the wisdom and peace to work through this. If you don't pray together but you do pray then start asking God to grant you the wisdom to talk to your husband about the money issues. Ask him for His wisdom to work through you for the good of your family unit. Remember to pray a thankful prayer afterwards as well.

Does every woman have this problem with men? I had it early on too and what I did was I made HIM sit down and do the budget (with my supervision of course) so that he had to face the reality of the situation but also so he felt like he was making the decision to invest in other other options such as savings or the children's college funds. Going back to work isn't going to resolve the issue. It will only give him more money to spend and of course you will have to work ten times harder than you already do working AND raising your children. Unfortunately, with men, changing bad habits are very similar to changing bad habits in children. Give him the budget and give him choices with the budget. See what decisions are made by the "man of the house" when limited options are presented in front of him.

This isn't a matter of anyone needing therapy. Start tuning in to Dave Ramsey on the radio. He takes calls from people and this issue comes up a lot. Right now he's selling his books and software (budgeting) for $10 a piece on his website. If you show your husband the math, he might be convinced. For instance, instead of wasting $1000 a month on whatever (including car payments) if that was invested in a good mutual fund that earned an average of 12% a year over 30 years, it would become millions. Be loving about it, sweet talk him, etc. It's easier to catch flies with honey - or however that saying goes.

A.-
As a former financial advisor, this is not an uncommon situation. I would recommend that you go see a financial professional and have them do a full analysis of your finances. Some charge for this service, others do not in hopes of gaining some business. This will help you and your husband to know whether he is a spend thrift or you are cheap. They usually have a financial goals worksheet that you work on together. Bottom line is let someone neutral tell him he needs to stop spending so much, so it is not a personal rift between you and him. Also, you should know that when comparing male vs. female financial goals, men are accumulators (stuff) and women are about security (for the most part.) All that $$$ he's spending could be going into a college fund for your baby (4 years of public school will be close to $250k by the time your baby goes to college). Or what about retiring a few years early, because you were thrifty now? Wouldn't that be nice? Sometimes the long term goals just need to be set so you know what you're working towards.
Good Luck!

A.,

I'm not sure how old you guys are but this sounds like a common martial situation. I'm sure you've heard the annoying line "I'm a grown man and I'm going to do what I want to." That's there mentality about anything that involves them putting the breaks on coming and going, spending and not spending. You've heard people say that "Boys need their toys." I have to say, that honestly as long as you are paying your bills on time, able to have groceries, and can provide for your child + put money in savings for those emergency situations, I wouldn't balk about it. When my oldest son was born I had been married for 3 years and we were rolling in the money. When he was born, we had a discussion about how we were going to manage money. I told him I didn't care if there was a dime in the checking account as long as bills were paid, we had food to eat, and I could provide for the baby (medical, clothes, etc.). I had to learn how to stretch a dollar. I had to go online and find coupons for haircuts, eating out, baby sales (clothes, equipment, etc.). I got frugal and he didn't change. But we both agreed that every year when we got our tax refund that would go into our savings account and be our cushion for emergencies. There were times when I had $5 in my checking account. But I didn't care. I would tell him we have this much money and then he would slow down until funds were replenished. The most important advice I could give you two right now is to build a savings account. If you are worried about spending and he's not willing to change his habits you need this to fall back on. Trust me, having a savings account will eliminate a lot of your worries. If you don't have a savings account, then I would advice YOU to start one even if you have to save $10 here and there and then when your tax refund comes ask him to put it into savings. Also, buy a big jar and just ask him to start throwing his loose change in it every night. You would be amazed at how much money you have in loose change at the end of the year. I did this the first year my son was born. We had $950 in December that we used to buy Christmas presents with. You just have to learn how to be frugral. You don't have to be cheap. I buy my children's clothes when they are on clearance (this winter I will buy for next winter). As far as communicating with him, you need to understand things from his perspective. It's not that he thinks what you do is less than him by being a SAHM but he goes to work everyday and he feels he's entitled to spend what he wants if he's earning it. When you talk to tell him you understand that he works hard and that you just want to make sure that bills are paid, baby is taken care of, food is on the table, and that money is being saved. He's probably not going to want to listen so you will just have to be the money savvy one and implement ways to save. I know you're not going to want to hear this but every woman has to learn how to stretch a dollar, every woman has to do without, every woman has to sacrifice. Get used to it. It only lasts until the children are grown. I've found that my husband doesn't worry about money as much as I do. He never will worry about it. Hope all works out.

Some people have a hard time facing certain realities, such as limited finances. These individuals not only won't change their habits when times change but they become upset when you try to approach them about something they just don't have the courage to face right now. You aren't going to change someone who is like this. All you can do is coax that person towards the more reasonable way of handling things like money. Financial Peace University is definitely an excellent resource for handling this situation, IF your husband will consent to go. One great thing this program does is help people understand that when it comes to money, it is important to have a long term goal. Every sacrifice is easier when you know you are working towards something significant and life changing. Consider these two scenarios: "Honey, you can't keep spending all our money on toys. I haven't had a haircut in months and the kids could really use some clothing." versus "Honey, if we save X amount of money per month, we could (save up for vacation, buy a new computer in five months without going into debt, pay off the house in X years, put away a nice little nest egg for retirement, etc.)". If your family doesn't have a purpose for saving money, then it is going to be a constant fight over who is having to give up more for the sake of the other family members and/or spouse. It puts you at odds with each other instead of giving you a common goal to work toward that will be mutually enjoyable and beneficial. Whether he goes to FPU or not, it would be easy to open the conversation by asking him if you two could talk about your long term financial goals and how to accomplish them. Without being critical or argumentative, let him know what you are doing to save money or what you are willing to do to save money and work towards those goals. By approaching it in this way, you make him take ownership of his actions instead of you just being the "bad guy" who is always "being cheap". It makes him start dealing with the reality in a non-confrontational way. If he is open to it after a discussion of this nature, you can then suggest participating in something like FPU where both of you can learn how to really make your income work for you.

This is a tough one! I'm sort of in the same boat. I'd suggest "Financial Peace University" like another person did below (but I haven't succeeded in getting my husband to go to it yet -- still hoping, though!). One thing I've done that has helped a little (although my husband didn't have a great attitude about it), was to keep track of our expenses, and put his income at the top of the page, and then list all of our typical expenses (mortgage, utilities, insurance, gasoline, food, etc.), and show that at the bottom of the list, there was no money left over, we were over-spending, or we had maybe $5-20. He didn't like it, but it did help his "I make the money, I can spend the money" attitude a bit. [He never did *too* much, but even small expenditures add up over time, or the occasional computer component would bust the budget.]

Check your attitude, as well -- are you acting resentful towards your husband because you "have to" buy your child's clothes on eBay, or you "can't" get your hair cut like you'd like? See, I'm frugal, so my attitude towards buying clothes from yard sales & thrift stores is more of excitement because I know I'm getting a great bargain, spending less on one year's worth of clothes than many moms spend on just an outfit or two; but if you "heave a sigh and wipe your eye" as you tell (complain to) your husband just exactly what all you've had to scrimp and pinch and pass by so that **he** could get his thingamabob, then he's not going to hear you -- he's going to get defensive. [I'm not saying you're doing this, because I don't know you; but if you are, then you might need to alter this.]

He may be spending in reaction to what he feels like is your way of controlling him. So if he *feels* like you're telling him what to do, and/or trying to "be his mommy" then he's not going to listen or communicate, but will clam up and ignore you -- even when you're just trying to have a normal conversation!

Take a good, close look at your expenditures for the last 3 months, and see if there are areas you can trim that *you* control (there may not be, but often there is -- like eating fast food when you're out, when you could pack a sandwich; or buying a book that you could borrow from the library; or throwing out food that could be used for leftovers). You *might* find that there is more money than you realize, and cutting $5 here or $20 there could add up to a very nice haircut. :-) But as you look at your past expenses, formulate a "typical" budget based on how much your fixed expenses (mortgage, insurance) and normal, variable expenses (utilities, gasoline, groceries, toilet paper) are, and when you're done, reduce the categories as much as possible (put your phone, cell phone, electricity, gas, and water together under "utilities") so your husband doesn't get overwhelmed by a 5-page presentation. Then, sit down with your husband, and say, Ok, we make (not "you", but "we" -- you're equal partners in this) $3,000 a month, and we spend $800 on mortgage, $500 on groceries, $300 on utilities, $700 on gas, car payment & car insurance... and $100 on miscellaneous items that pop up occasionally which leaves $75 left over -- what should we do with that? Or, you could say something like, "We spend $800 on food every month, but the average family our size spends $500 on groceries a month -- how can we reduce that?" Or, "I've added up the past 3 months of expenditures and was shocked to find out that we've spent $600 on eating out! If we reduce that, then we can..."

The way I look at things, my "job" (aside from being a wife, mommy, and housekeeper) is to save money. I cook from scratch most of the time; we don't eat out often; I rarely buy clothes for myself, most of my kids' clothes are hand-me-downs from my brother's kids, what clothes I do buy are from yard sales or thrift stores; I get food from salvage stores; I make my own bread; I keep the house warm in the summer and cool in the winter -- things like that. It does add up. "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" is an awesome and amazing resource -- not only is it chock-full of tips and ideas, but it can help reset your mentality from "woe is me, I *have* to pinch pennies" to "woo-hoo, I saved five cents on bananas!" Many people wrote in to tell the author that they had gone from spending more than they took in every month, and couldn't imagine how they could spend less, to -- within a matter of days or weeks after getting the first issue of the newsletter, now compiled into book(s) -- being able to save a couple hundred dollars, and expecting to save even more the next month.

Granted, if your husband is just going to *spend* all that you save, then that doesn't help out much; but if you can save it both together, that will be helpful. In The Tightwad Gazette, one woman said that she started to "convert" her husband to frugality by casually asking him how much he had spent that day (on chips, soft drinks, etc.), and then putting that amount of money in a hidden jar. Several months later, when the husband was complaining about not having enough money to buy some gadget, she brought out the jar, told him what she had been doing, they counted it, and the husband was shocked at how much money he had frittered away. It wasn't an overnight conversion, but it did help.

But the bottom line is, you have to get your husband on board, and the best way to do that is either to make him think that it's his idea, or to "sell" him on frugality by pointing out all the good things he (and your family) could do by watching what you spend.

I like the FPU class that a lot of people suggested. It's a class not therapy, so that should help. Maybe look into and talk to him and tell him the reasons YOU want to go to it and what YOU want to learn and tell him you want him to go too for support.

I would open a second account for essentials and on payday transfer some of the money to that account for food and clothes and haircuts. I would talk to him about it, of course. But tell him it will help YOU to stay on a budget.

Is he charging a lot on credit cards? You didn't mention whether he is or not. If he is, that is a whole other problem and I sympathize.

Why don't you suggest that you would like to start tracking a family budget. You can set it up in Excel or an accounting software like Quicken. Don't make it seem like you want to use it to control his spending, but rather as a way you both can get a better understanding of your finances. Once he sees how much he is really spending (and on what), it may shock him into better spending habits. My husband and I started tracking our spending over 10 years ago. Now we set a budget every year and try to keep our spending within that budget. We include EVERYTHING (travel, groceries, gas, childrens clothes and accessories, personal spending money, and on and on). It worked wonders for our spending. We had been spending hundreds a month on eating our until we saw it on paper. Now we rarely eat out because we saw how much money we were wasting.

Good luck!

Come up with a budget. Plan to have so much extra money a month but during special occasions this will change. Both of you will get an 'allowance'. If he spends his-it's all gone and you can save yours for you. Your allowance shouldn't include things for the baby. That should be included in your budget for bills, utilities, credit cards and saving accounts.

I hate to say it but he sounds extremely selfish. Do you guys get 'you' time like dates and stuff? It could be a reaction to a dynamic that's changed in the relationship. I hate hearing "well I pay the bills..."

Maybe it is time for you to go back to work, but I do know how nice it is to stay home with the baby. Your married and the money he makes is for both of you to control.

Do the budget and show him you're not being cheap-you're being stepped on. Do the bills at the begining of the month when the paycheck comes in, put money into savings, allocate money for gas($100-200), groceries (200-350)and any other misc expenditures (christmas, clothes, haircuts...). Leave some for cusion. It might end up that you really only have $50 for 'fun money' or whatever you want to do with. This would mean 25 for you and 25 for him.

While I was in the hospital having babies, we have 4, he had to do bills. It opened his eyes a little bit. We still have this problem though. It gets very bad if your hubby ever deploys.
Now I tell him what the credit card balances are and the bank accounts and i actually made him get a consolidation loan. He put over $5000 on credit after the Iraq deployment and then about that much after Afghanistan.
Also if your name is on the credit cards call them and have the limit lowered and then let him go try to get something and get denied. Same with bank accounts. You can get your own under your name and start taking the money that needs to be delegated for food and groceries to a different account. THen when he uses the debit card they deny him. SOmetimes they have to see real action from someone other than us before they actually listen.

He needs to grow up. He is now a father and more responsible for another life. If you are not working, he needs to think before he spends. Does he really need it? Could he buy a less expensive version of his want? Jobs are very hard to come by now, and saving is very important because of a rainey, no job, day. It is strange how immature men can be, but perhaps a sit down, with the new budget may make him realize he needs to slow down and cut back. Therapy?? That is only another expense. Spend time with that precious new baby.. that is excellent therapy. Good luck, Merry Christmas, and God Bless.

This is a common problem but in our household it's turned around. My husband is a penny pincher. I don't spend freely, but much more easily than him. My suggestion would be to work out a compromise. For instance, we've agreed that neither one of us spends more than $50 on something without consulting the other. (I violated this recently and it did get messy so I "learned my lesson.") Also, I've agreed to prioritize. There are many things I would like to spend money on but I have I to decide which is most important and buy only that. I also shop sales and won't pay more than a certain price for something, even if it takes me months to find it at that price. We don't have credit cards, either, so my spending is limited to how much we actually have, after necessary expenses.

For gift-giving, each child receives a certain dollar amount (which changes based on our circumstances but has never gone above $70/child). Our 23-year old has opted for the cash amount. I buy presents for the others but keep my expenditures within that amount and as equal as possible, within two or three dollars at least.

The most important thing is to work together. If you simply complain and nag and lecture he'll simply tune you out. I know because there have been times when I've tuned out my husband. This is one of those issues where it really does take two.

Assess your spending over each month. Group the similar expenses together- credit cards, car payments, clothing, entertainment, etc. Get as granular as you like. Make a nice pie chart for him to show him what the spending over the month looks like. It's must easier for most people to understand the visual. Hopefully, this will sink in with him. If he isn't scrutinizing the statements or budget, he may have no real clue what his spending looks like until it's put out there in factual, yet simple, terms. Basically, back your concerns up with facts and let them do the communicating for you.
Hope this helps!

No offense but he sounds selfish and stubborn. I would try to sit down with him with a plan. don't just talk about money and how you want him to quit spending. Have a budget, have a plan for saving for something you both want or need. Even if it is college or buying a new car or home. Over the next few nights or days, make a budget. Write down your income and outgo and then write down the extras that he spends on and the extras that you spend on. You could try getting a class to Dave Ramsey's financial peace. It will teach him the value of money and get him excited about saving. Daveramsey.com or you could get him one of Dave's books if he is a reader. You have to find a way that he will listen to you. You know his personality and can best figure out how to get his attn. You need to get him to give you a few mins of time and respect and listen to what you have to say. You could also set up a new way of doing things....when each check comes, you each get a certain amount of allowance for the week or for the month. Once it is spent, it is gone. You set up a certain amount for children's clothes and for haircuts, etc but for spending on fun things, there will be a separate amount.

I hope he takes the time to listen to what you have to say...

W.

I feel your pain!!!! Although my husband has got much better he still does things that drive me crazy like going to the corner store for misc. items that cost 5 times what they would at a regular grocery store. He has a list of must haves in his mind and once he starts he won't stop until he gets them. I get my hair done every six months and I get a guilt trip everytime. He has no concept of money. I am the gate keeper of fun (which is no fun). I have told him if he doesn't stop spending I am going to give the bills to him. YIKES!!! That would be scary. My husband works really hard so I try not to nag him too much over this stuff but it is hard. I started buying myself all sorts of stuff this past few months just to see what he would say he was a little taken back becasue I am so conservative with our money. He said you need to stop spending so much money. I said I will when you do. He did. Our situation is a little different though because I chose to keep working after my little girl was born. That is such a personal choice and I can respect the decision not to go back to work. However I am glad I stuck it out. By the way I am wearing the cutest black leather Anne Klein boots today from my spending spree and they feel really good!!! LOL