Need Advice on Getting Stuck in the Middle of Battles Between Daughter and Hubby

Hi J., Sounds exactly like my house,(did). I felt it this was important enough to pick as a battle. What I said to my over bearing over protective husband was that his behavior will change my teenage daughter forever & it needs to stop. She will learn to lie, sneek around & quite honestly do what ever it takes. So I pointed out examples & real life situations. He finally saw the light and agreed! Good Luck!

I think family counseling is in order. The reason why is it is a three way battle-not good for marriage or daughter. You all have to find a compromise that will work. I disagree with forbidding your child from dating until the age of 18; it's not even a good idea. Because they are at the age where they are learning to navigate what adulthood is going to be like. So now is the perfect time for you to help them through that. You are there now but you won't be when they are off at college or the military or what have you. And yes, they will go off and be wild. We all know kids that have done that, it is common as dirt. MODERATION is what your husband is missing and yes, he can't punish her what what hasn't happened yet.
The double standard is probably making your daughter furious and resentful.The reason men go off about their daughters is because they know in their heart of hearts what dogs guys can be. (Sorry but it's true.) So it's the old fashioned notion-the women is punished because males "can't" control themselves. Not fair, but sometimes wise. On the other hand I think it's fine that you all should meet the boy, and yes, look him in the eye. And yes, this will scare off some.
Bottom line, your hubby should be helping to educate your daughter, not assuming she is going to be "bad". A male counseler to can see your husband's point of view but help you all talk it out is an excellent idea.

This is so much like our house in reverse. Our daughter was older, son much younger (12 years). He is getting so much more freedom than our daughter ever did.

Basic premise: Children will live up or down to your expectations for them. I would suggest this proposal to your husband: That your family curfews for her be the same as they were for the son, or the legal curfews, whichever is stronger. At the first sign of her breaking those rules, Dad gets to reset the boundaries. This way she gets the opportunity to show that she can be responsible. If she proves him wrong, she gains the benefits; if she proves him right, she pays the price.

Oh Good Lord!!!! If a parent looks for their child to do something wrong they're bound to find it, and if he keeps it up you may have a bigger situation on your hands, than whether or not their relationship can be saved. She should be dating by 16. If she doesnt shes going to face a very hard reality in college or by the time she moves out of your home. She needs the experience with inexperienced boys so that she can handle those more experienced and shady characters later. Too restrictive, especially when she has come to him logically to discuss what she would like is only going to lead to lies. The more rules the better the lier. I am not much older, and I remember this being par for the course as I hit puberty. Those of us who had a lot of restrictions about who what where and when (especially coupled with parents others were afraid of) the more they lied and the better they got at it. I wont even begin to tell you what I got away with, all the while my parents thought I was a good kid. My friends with more lax rules especially regarding curfew, were always home on time and honest with their parents about what was happening. He needs to talk to someone before he makes a mistake which can cause your daughter to make an even bigger one. Now Im not saying that no rules is the answer, but it should be what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Yes teens need boundaries, but they also need trust, and an ability to learn how to make good decisions especially when it comes to relationships.

My opinion probably isn't going to be the most popular, but honestly, I agree to an extent with your husband. The difference, all children, regardless of their sex should have the same rules. My husband and I have come to the understanding that our kids (boy and girl) will not be dating until 18. If you think about it, aside from kissing and sex, there's no point to it at that age. They can't legally get married and have a lifetime to find the right person. Before 18, their focus should be school, money management, and college. Teens can have a social life without one on one dates.

Get and read the book, 'HOw to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk" by Faber and Mazlish (2005), about $16 in paper.

then use the simple communication techniques with your husband.

Good Luck.

R. Katz

I don't agree with double standards at all! I understand that for girls, it's about protecting from physical harm especially, since boys are usually the stronger one. But I think if you let a boy do it, you have to let a girl do it. I think parents need to think about that when they have boys and girls. I think your husband should have thought ahead to what he would want of his daughter and treated your son accordingly so the double standard wouldn't have been an issue. I think your husband lost on this one, and he needs to allow your daughter the same freedom your son had. It's only fair!

I think when we live by the double standards, it creates a lot of animosity in the family dynamics. Your daughter is going to feel like her dad doesn't trust her. She's going to resent him for not trusting her. And she's going to resent her brother for being given a lot more leeway.

I think we encourage our boys to sow wild oats too much! I think it's time parents start standing up and requiring that their boys know how to be a gentleman. It's time strict rules are placed on the boys. I know if I had a boy, I'd be a lot more strict with him just so he knows that females are to be held in a much higher esteem than society currently expects. So your husband's expectations on the young man taking your daughter out are reasonable. Was your son told to do the same when he met his dates' parents? I think anyone who takes any of our kids out (including friends and other parents) should be able to answer questions and look us in the face.

But he's going to far to say it has to be a group date and he has to check up on her and her friends. Unless our kids give us a reason not to trust them, we need to give them their privacy and let them know we trust them. Here's a way to turn it on your husband: If he had faith in his parenting abilities, he'd know that your daughter will be making the best decisions she can. So evidently, he doesn't think he did a good job. See how he feels about that. Good parents know that they did the best job possible, that their kids are the best kids they could be, and those kids aren't going to do things that wouldn't be in their best interests.

So either your husband starts letting loose now, or your daughter will let loose when she gets out from under your roof (when she goes to college or moves out on her own). She's going to want to experience the world her daddy didn't let her experience to the fullest as soon as she can! I hope he lets up and sees that he's doing more harm than good...

By the way, I'm going to have to keep you in mind for a PC party. I'm an adult party consultant (toys, romance, etc) trying to get up on the right foot, so once I start getting more parties, I'll have to contact you!

Good luck!
M.
www.spiceglamup.com

doesn't he realize that she will start to turn on him and do things behind his back just to prove she can do it

too strict is not the way to go for sure
but obviously need rules

J.

My husband daughter used to do the same thing to me. I felt like a U.N. peace keeper. It was over stressing me and making me sick. So it was announced that the U.N. was closed. That would need to work the problem out for themselves. It was hard at first. I would say the u.n. was closed and if they continued to bring me into it I would either leave or cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes until they went away and worked it out. They had to practice active listening techniques with each other and both had to commit to working things out. But by me taking myself out of the equation they were forced to communicate and work things out. With time I was no longer pulled into the fights. Even though they got loud sometimes and I couldn't miss what was happening and I had to force myself to stay out of it. They now have a much healthier relationship. I offer advice time to time to one or the other when I am alone with them if they seem to be at an impass but most of the time I can let them work it out and I am less stressed. They like a happier Mom too.

It really doesn't matter how old your daughter is she will always be daddy's girl. Dad needs to know that you as parents have done a wonderful job as parents with both of your children .Dad you taught your daughter alot of values let her show you the most important one of all trust. I agree on the curfew hours that you have set for her,but come on dad you want her to have a bad rep at school as the house no one is welcome at or you have to talk in sign language whenever you come around. What's good for the goose(son) is good for the gander(daughter).Dad even if you and Mom don't agree on certain things pertaining to your daughter don't disagree in front of her.Let her know that you and your wife will discuss it later and come to an AGREEMENT together on what you both think is the right decision. Dad keep the curfew!

You two need to talk to someone. You have no luck talking rationally to your husband. Your daughter did what all parents dream of, which is come to you with her problem to discuss, and all she got was resistance from him. That might be the last time she does that. She will learn how to lie and sneak. You don't want to throw her into the world of dating when she is 18 with absolutely no idea how to handle herself. You can bet the men she dates when she is 18 will know what they're doing. This sounds like more than overprotection. Your husband actually doubts this girl's goodness. That is not acceptable. He checks up on her and is mean to her friends and scares them. That does not sound like a father to me. He may have some virtue in wanting to protect her, but he is acting just like the type of man you would not want your daughter to be with. He is to be her first and best role model. If he thinks she is bad, she will be bad, will think she is bad, and look for men like that later on. He needs to show her he trusts her and will talk to her like a decent person and treat her well. Since talking does not work with him, I say get help, and do it soon because I'm sure you know how badly and quickly a girl's heart and esteem (among other things) can be damaged to the point of shaping her life in the wrong way.

This sounds all too familiar. He sounds a bit like my dad growing up (: . One thing that really helped me respect my dad and trust him was that he was not too proud to admit when he was wrong. He also spent time with me like, going for long walks and talking about things. He always told me he loved me. These are the kind of things that helped keep me on track later in life, not just rules and curfews.

I think it makes perfect sense to have different rules for each kid because they are entirely different people. It sounds like your hubby did a good job discussing this with your daughter, taking her thoughts into consideration and coming up with some new boundries. (However, scaring off her friends is probably not a good thing.) No man is going to be perfect. Try and be thankful that he is making an effort to protect your precious daughter and stand by him in front of your kids so they don't question his authority. If they don't see you respecting him, why should they? If something really is troubling to you talk to him in private about it when you are calm and can discuss it. Maybe you could tell him you are thankful that he cares and loves her but he should be careful not to scare off her friends. If he scares them off he will no longer be able to keep and eye on things, she will just go somewhere else. Try not to nag him about it, if he's heard you out already, nagging does not change people and will just put more strain on your marraige and family. Just be the best mom you can be and respect your husband and you will be blessed. Anyways. I hope this helps. Good luck.

I can only tell you what I have seen and lived through. My neice was about 16 when her mother dies (my sister). Her stepdad was VERY strict( otherwise a wonderful man) and would not let her do anything. AShe had to come earlier then everyone, could not do many things all the other kids were doing, etc. She was always grounded. She eneded up leaving home by the time she was 17 and moving in with me and then her real father came back into the pciture and took care of her. The thing is if your daughter is a good girl you need to trust her. Most importantly you have to talk to her. As a daughter and as someone she feels she can come to with anything, no matter what it is, good or bad. I have a 20 year old son who we also did not trust at 15 and 16 yr of age. It caused so many problems, it made small problems bigger. Today we talk all the time, he is a great kid, very open and honest with us. The best part is everyday I see in him the values we have taught him. Have your husband sit down and talk with her, learn who she is. I agree with many others who have answered you, if you make the rope to tight she will resent you, your relationship will get worse and she will leave when she is of age. My sons best friend and his mother had the same problem. She was very strict with him so many times he just never went home, moved out by 18 and then joined the marines. He's in Iraq now.
Good Luck. If your husband cannot talk with your daughter make sure you do or you may loose her one day and you will never forgive yourself.

i am 21 years old my parents were that way with my sister my dad did not want her to date ect well being that overprocted was a big mistake she would go behide there back and do stuff and she got preg. at 17. so youe husband should want her to bring the guys to your house to hang out at least that way u can check up on them if he scares the kids away they will just find somewhere eles to hang out.

It is said that we don't see the world "as it is", but we see the world "as we are". The issue here is your husband's-not your daughter's. As a man he knows how young men are and what goes through their minds. However it sounds as if you are blessed with a wonderful daughter with good sense, so he should recognize that she should have opportunites to prove herself trustworthy. I understand the concept of watching our children carefully, but I think he may be going overboard. Counseling perhaps? And not only for hubby, but for your family to learn to deal with these issues and to not be fighting over them. You need to de-stress for your health's sake.

Mother of sons here so I don't really know what exactly to do about the daughter thing. What I do know is that I was probably overprotective (of my boys) and am still that way somewhat and I once told my sons they can go to therapy someday if they don't like it. So much for overprotectiveness, my son showed me and joined the Navy at eighteen, has gone a long way from home and won't be out for at least fourteen more months. The point is you can tell that to your husband. It can backfire and she may decide to take off herself. Now my other son wants to join the Navy. So what your husband has to understand is that while it is good to have rules and to care, you are instilling the important values into them that they will live with while you are not near. And that is what my sons live by while they are not nearby me. So they say(okay, the one son still lives with me, but you know what I mean). My husband and I have learned over the years to side with eachother in front of the boys and argue separately and quietly about these issues when the children aren't/weren't around. That way the kids can't trap us into that 'sides' thing. Since hubby sounds a little narrow minded perhaps you could get him interested in obsessing about something other than what your daughter is doing. She sounds trustworthy but she is still a girl and sorry but it can often be the same double standard in that circumstance. The hours actually don't sound that awful, but the embarrassing part about surprising her with her friends sounds like he should back off. I know this isn't helping because we need to figure out what to do so that hubby will compromise so you can keep your health. In the meantime it's a good thing you have the Pampered Chef situation and perhaps surprise him and don't respond to any of this at all. I guess it's about experimenting. Good luck!

You need to respect your husband if your daughter sees that you are both onone page she will respect the decision if not she will play each of you against each other be glad he has standards than she'll be careful who she brings home and the boys will respect your husband and your daughter (maybe even fear him) which is not bad they'll both think twice before doing anything stupid make wise decisions now because you will reap the consequences soon enough

I actually agree with the no alone time together. My husband and I pretty much followed that rule whlile we were dating, and I was in my mid-twenties. We did go places together alone, but wouldn't hang out in a place we could "get into trouble".

It does sound like there are enough issues to consider some family counseling. Perhaps you could ask you husband how he would like to resolve this as a team. Say you want to come to a conclusion in which you can full heartedly support him.

There are some good books perhaps you could go through with your daughter (ie: the bride wore white). Maybe ask him what it would take for him to trust her, and exactly why he doesn't. Chances are he just remembers being a teenage boy, and it's really the boys he doesn't trust.

J. I think your husband is doing the right thing. You have to look at how many girls are rapped and guys having them to do things against their will and many girls can not protect themselves. now on the other hand your son i assumed is raised well and has always come home before curfew... GREAT signs! and know no means no to young girls...then he is 18! Your daughter is too young to be staying out after 10pm if you ask me!

For your daughter, I think that it is a shame that you and your husband were so lenient with your son without the consideration of any siblings forthcoming. Considerations should have been made & it clearly isn't fair. However, that's the situation you are all in. Therefore, live with it. Going forward, I see nothing wrong with the rules ALL of you have agreed to. Naturally, she is ONLY 15! There is PLENTY of time to discover more Mature aspects of life. Let her be a kid. As you know, it's your job at this point in her life to steer her clear of poor choices & things she can't antisapate! Further, I hear in your tone you're viewing this from her perspective as opposed from a parential view. There isn't one good reason to be alone with a boy. Whatever manner of conduct appropriate for them, is one that could be done in the presense of grownups & more responsible folks.

I do not have an answer for you on that b/c I have TWO little girls (9mos. and 3) so we have our own issues but I saw you are a pampered chef consultant!! I do have a question for you about that as I am an avid stone user however when someone was watching my girls, TWO of my stones got washed with SOAP!!! UGH! I have NO idea how to get it out as I know there is a way. Would you mind emailing me and give me the secret to getting it out? Thank you!!

It is not about being fair, but about being safe.
For some reason your husband felt confident about your son's good judgement to navigate the teenage social life without getting into any major trouble that he could not get out of himself. He seems not to be feeling this way about your daughter. You have to talk it out with him to find out why.
It seems as if you are overly optimistic about your daughter's virtues while your husband is overly pessimistic about the same thing. Perhaps you can find a common more objective ground for your daughter's best interest.

You're in a very difficult spot. I was there. My daughter ended up "working" both of us which put a huge wedge in our marriage for many of those teen years (to get her way). Don't get me wrong; I'm on your side! This whole situation is your husbands fault. From double standards to macho man can do what he wants, including pressuring you and putting you in the middle. Your daughter must understand that while both parents are the boss sometimes a man or woman has to "pick and choose their battles". He's rediculous! The law allows a 16 yr. old to stay out till 10:00p.m. on weekdays and 11:00p.m. on weekends. Obviously he hasn't the sense to remember that when we were that age, we automatically HAD to sneak because of an overbearing parent. Is that what he truely wants? Wouldn't he rather have her come home at night and have her sit with you guys and tell you stories about all the silly things that happened that night? If he doesn't wake up soon, that's what will happen. Keep it between the 2 of them not you. Good luck.

Welcome to my world growing up. Only it was my mom. She taught me to be sneaky. I had to sneak to survive. I was a good, happy girl, the oldest girl of 3. Once I began to date, she went through my purse, my closets, my drawers, my diary. I had no privacy.She listened in on conversations and so many other things I cannot recall it all. Now, 40 years later, I still resent that part of my growing up. I barely speak to her, I forgive her but there is no common ground and no point. He will push her out the door and not return if he doesn't stop. Keeping an eye out is a good thing. Talking to her is a good thing. Communication is a good thing. Don't smother her or shower her with mistrust. Possibly all of you need to see a counselor. One can help you all come to some balance in this situation.

Wow. I have to agree with the other respondent that said that his actions are a good way to encourage her to rebel and ruin what sounds like a basically good father-daughter relationship.
If he consistently acts like she is guilty-until-proven innocent, then she's likely to decide that she might as well break the rules and sneak around since he's assuming that she's going to anyway no matter what she does.
She tried being upfront and trying to have a discussion, only to be treated like she's already committed some kind of crime.
Do you two have the kind of relationship where you can talk to him at a calm time (not when he and daughter have just had a blowup) and ask him about his feelings? Point out gently that your daughter has never given either of you any reason not to trust her and the way to build mutual respect and trust is to, well, *demonstrate* mutual respect and trust.
If she feels that, no matter what she does, she is still going to be "watched like a hawk," then she may decide she doesn't have much to lose by breaking the rules.
Pretty soon, in a few short years, she's going to be out on her own, and need to make her own decisions. He won't always be around to lay down the law. Wouldn't it be better to encourage her to begin to learn about dating and having more independence gradually?
I would only suggest trying to talk to him about his feelings and fears? It sounds like he is afraid of something and over-reacting. Maybe remind him, gently, that he simply won't be able to always make her choices about men for her, and she needs to learn to make smart decisions about her life and behavior.