My husband is from Bulgaria, and it's common in their culture for grandkids to go stay w/ grandparents for several months, or more. I do not understand this, but am trying to respect his culture. However, the GPs live in Bulgaria and we live in SLC, UT. Plus, my son is just shy of 3 years old. My husband wants to take him over there, stay for a few weeks then leave him there for 5 months. Grandpa will then bring him back. My husband and I have started a "Pros & Cons" list, but the more I think about it, the more I'm against it, but that just fuels his reasons for why it’s ok. My son is VERY attached to his dad and he thinks this will help with his clinginess, I think it will just exacerbate it. I think he's too young to do something like this, he won't understand why Daddy left him there, he knows his grandpa, but like I said, is very attached to his dad.
Has anyone been through something similar? What did you do? And if you did send them, what were the repercussions? We also have a 4 month old baby girl and I worry that he'll lose the bond he's starting to get with her and he will get used to be "the only child" again, just to come back and have to re-adjust all over again. This is just the tip of my concerns. HELP!!
(after reading first 25 of your responses)
Wow! thank you everyone for making me feel better about this! And to answer a common question, no, i had no clue this would be expected once we had kids. And I totally agree, it's an old tradition made from necessity rather than "cultural" and yes, it would be a whole diff. story if we lived in the same country, even Europe! We have all (minus the baby) visited a few times and the GPs have also come here a few times, and stayed for 6 months at times, but he's at a very sensitive time in his little life and wants no one but daddy, even I'm not good enough ;). I know he'd have GREAT care, too much care, actually ;) Sure, I'd like a small break from this "typical terrible two'er" but I'm his mom and he needs both parents right now more than ever. 5 months would be a lifetime for him, thank you for reaffirming my thoughts on this! I mentioned 2-3 months instead, but DH doesn't see point then?!? Now, I just need to convince my husband that this is not a good idea, for any amount of time. He's very stubborn and we will fight about this, like we already have, but I have to put my foot down. His parents will understand, I'm pretty sure. I just wish I could tell them all the reasons why, but I do not speak Bulgarian. When he's much older and can decide for himself, then MAYBE, just maybe. Thanks again, I will report back on what happens after I tell my husband my decision. Wish me luck!
Well, I told him I just do not feel comfortable having him away from us for that long, and that far away, at that age. When he's older, has better understanding of time and what is going on, then maybe. My husband was a little resistent, but I think he's finally realizing that the possible bad effects far out-weigh the good. They are going for 3 weeks in June while I stay state-side with my 4 month old. He'll get invaluable time w/ the GPs and hopefully everyone will be happy!
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for all your great responses! I LOVE this site! May I be able to give you advice on something, some day! I hope everyone has a safe and fun holiday weekend!
I am from Russia and yes we did get to stay with GP for weeks at a time at their summer house from the time we were little. But not 5 months, and not across the ocean. No way.
NO NO No way. Think of everything you will miss out on. He will be three and a half when he comes back!! You are is mom, and he needs you EVERYDAY! Kids change and learn new things everyday! He needs you as much as you need him. I would say absolutely not, five months is forever when you are three. I can hardly go one weekend without my kids!!
I didn't read the responses, so I don't know if I'm in the minority..but
HELL NO! There is NO WAY I would EVER let my toddler go to a different country with out me. NO WAY EVER! PERIOD! If they want to see him, they can come here. In fact, I'd have a hard time letting my child do that at all. Maybe and that's a HUGE maybe if they were a teenager. It would still be hard to do.
NO WAY! I am from Europe and I would NEVER to this to myself or my child. WAY too young! WAY too young!
He will not understand what's going on and it will be confusing for him. If you have the chance to go together, I would say YAY! Do it! But leaving him behind for 5 MONTHS?! NO WAY!
I can thoroughly understand your husband and his parent's concerns about getting him to know his family and culture. I feel the same way about my daughter getting to know my family and especially my language, but 5 months is a lifetime when they are so young and I don't think any child should be separated from their parents for that amount of time.
When he is older, he can stay with them for the summer (that's what we're planning too), but for now I never take my daughter for more than 3 weeks if my hubby can't come too. I feel it is unfair to him and their relationship.
Good luck!
FIVE MONTHS away from his parents at the very young age of 3yrs old?!?! I'm sorry, that's just insane. I'm speechless that this is common in ANY culture. Learn something new everyday, I guess...I can see, maybe, a 12yr old doing something like that or a teenager. In fact, that would probably be a beneficial thing for them to learn of a different culture. But a 3yr old?! No, no way, no how. I think all your fears are valid. Your boy WOULD lose his bond with his sister, as well as with you and his dad. Everytime he goes on a trip, he'll have a fear of being "left behind". Those are just a few of the cons. I can't even think of any pros to this scenario. I really think this is inappropriate for such a young child.
.
It's one thing to respect their culture and quite another to do something that actually makes you uncomfortable. Having my son away from me for 5 months would just not be an option for me, especially at 2 years old.
Although it's not the same thing, I can tell you that in child custody cases it is recommended that children not regularly spend more than one consecutive day per year of age away from either parent. Obviously that's not always possible, but for a 2 year old to be separated from both of his parents for several months, I think, could reek havoc on his attachment to his family.
At that age, he is not old enough to understand the idea of a vacation and will adjust to living with his grandparents as if he will never be returning home. Then when you get him back, he will have to endure ANOTHER abandonment (this time by his grandparents) and adjust to living with you.
Good luck with your decision.
T.
I think I would need a little better explanation of this part of their "culture".
It is quite common for children to live quite an extended period with grandparents in Bulgaria and other Eastern European countries--but they're in the next village...not across the ocean. HOWEVER, it isn't so much about culture...it evolved more around lack of other childcare facilities and a need for both parents to be in the workforce. In general, the parents still see the children on a regular basis...it isn't months and months (or years) of separation.
I was in Bulgaria within the last year. It is a former communist country and you still eperience a lot of the leftovers from that era. I had some of the best Starbucks coffee that I've ever had in Sofia...but there are rural areas that are still very underdeveloped.
IF you decide to let him go (even for a shorter visit) contact a doctor who specializes in travel medicine...you'll want to consider getting him vaccinated for typhoid, hepatitis, etc.
Respecting cultures is good, if the knife cuts both ways. Your husband needs to respect your culture too and in your culture, most kids wouldn't stay with Grandparents for extended periods of time until they were somewhere in the vicinity of 10yo. So maybe you two could compromise and let your son go do it over the summer when he's 8 or so IF he wants to.
__________________________________________________________
Edit: I just thought of something else. You have a new baby. I'm sure somewhere inside your little boy is afraid that the baby is going to take his place. If you send him away now, it will just confirm in his mind that you don't want him any more now that you have the new baby. Do you really want to do that to him? He's WAY too young to understand. Think about the distress he will be in. Totally not a fair thing to do to him. Period.
I agree with the H*** NO! Overseas NO! I've traveled the world and it's a hard thing for an adult to adjust to. I know he knows his grandpa but you are the parent and you have the responsibility to raise your son, not your father-in-law. They obviously did something right for you to fall in love with their son but they had their chance to raise a child. This one is yours!
I agree with Mimi, Kymberly, Christina and AC! Too young! Too far! End of discussion!
I would rather fight and fight with my husband than be away from my baby! I don't care what his customs are, I'm sorry, nothing will convince me that my baby should be away from me, not even for one month. I wouldn't have to try to convince him- to me, there is no talking about it. I won't sign/authorize anything for him to go away...PERIOD.
Way too young to be separated from parents at that age for that long. IMO My son at 7 is just now ready to go with his grandparents for more than a few days. Travel overseas, H*** NO. I don't allow my kids to be more than a few hours away at that age. Like PP said, your child will see it as abandonment twice.
oh no way... I dont mean to sound rude... but there are other ways to respect the culture. My husband is a different nationality too.. but he realizes not everyone can adjust to his cultures. Don't do it... there is too much at risk, the world is just not what it used to be. I am sure the parents will understand and if they dont, OH WELL that is your son not theirs!!!!! ITS OK if your not ok with him going, thats what mothers are supposed to do, worry about their kids.
HI W.,
Did you and your husband discuss this kind of stuff before you were married or before the little ones were born? I can relate to a kid taking a summer vacation at their grandparents (not 5 months) but not at this age. Formative years are very important and being separated from Mama can be traumatic, not just short term but long term. Is there a reason that you as a family don't go there for a couple of months? Dad can still come home and go to work if he needs to. What if something happens? Will you be alerted or will they handle it the way they see fit? Do you know these people? or are you just trusting your husband? Lots and lots of questions here.
Can I assume you are originally from here? and Bulgaria is a very different culture than your own? I have a dear friend from Bulgaria and we spend our summers in Florida where there are many Bulgarians that come over in the summer to work and it is a VERY different culture. Almost any website you go to online will tell you there is corruption within the police and government. I don't even know if I would take my child there if I was going to stay with him. All visitors in Bulgaria MUST register with the police upon arrival.
I know this will probably cause some marital strife, but I'm with you and I would not allow my child to go. Worry is a natural thing for a Mom and I can't believe your husband would even ask you this. Have you checked out the laws. I'm reminded of the Sally Field movie, "Not without my Daughter," where the Sally Field was allowed to leave the country but not with her daughter who, even though was born in America, was considered an Iranian citizen because her father was born in Iran. It was a movie but it was also a true story.
Do your homework and find out what the laws are concerning a minor child that does not have a parent in the country with them. Maybe you can make a deal with your husband to spend your summers in Bulgaria with his parents....
W., I'll be praying. I really do wish I could help.
M.
Absolutely not. 100% NO in my opinion. What is your relationship with the in-laws? Have you personally visited their home? Maybe offer up some sort of compromise...a family visit this summer and mayber the next 3 or 4. Then, and only if my child was comfortable, would I even begin to consider it. And even then, I have to say, my answer would still be no. Leaving the country is risky these days anyways, let alone as a minor without a parent there to protect their rights.
NO WAY!!! TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS and don't let anyone sway you. You are that child's mother and you know best. I have a two year old daughter and I can't stand to be away from her for a few hours. My husband and I were just watching videos from the past six months and we were amazed at how much our daughter has grown, developed, started showing more of her L. personality, etc. At this age, they are changing so fast, please don't deprive yourself of the blessing and privilege of watching your son grow. However, as I said, you are his mother and I am sure you will make the decision that works best for your family. Good luck.
I would tell my husband...."over my dead body!"
No way no how. How would your DH feel if you went over there with the kids for 5 months? Lonely? Sad?
What if (God forbid) something happens to him? Accidents happen every single day. I wouldn't be able to handle it. And if something DID happen, I wouldn't be able to look my husband in the face again.
Couldn't you compromise and go stay there for a couple of months? It could be a kind of extended vacation for you.
Updated
No way no how. How would your DH feel if you went over there with the kids for 5 months? Lonely? Sad?
What if (God forbid) something happens to him? Accidents happen every single day. I wouldn't be able to handle it. And if something DID happen, I wouldn't be able to look my husband in the face again.
Couldn't you compromise and go stay there for a couple of months? It could be a kind of extended vacation for you.
NO WAY! I would never leave my kids with the grandparents for that long, even if it was my own parents. Your son is too young to be away from you and your husband. I really don't agree with your husband that this will benefit both of them. Do your husband really think that this will help with the clinginess? I think leaving your son with grandpa would hurt your son feeling and he would be confused why daddy didn't bring him home. Please don't let your son live with grandpa for such a long time at a young age. Follow your instinct.
I hope you can make the best decision possible and your husband will stand by your side. I definintely wouldn't let my kids live with the grandparents for any amount of time. You will have issues of him not listening to what you say because grandma did it differently. I know that it wouldn't help with the clinglyness he has towards your husband. Children just go through stages in their life that they want one parent over another. If you send him away, that would only confuse your poor son and he wouldn't understand. You could always put it to your husband that they could go visit once they are older in school. Once they can make their own decision. Good luck in your decision. But I have always been told, it is mothers intuition. So go with your gut feeling on this and stand your ground.
Nope, 5 months is much too long for such a little kid. In fact, I think 1 month is too long for a child this age. I'm against dad on this one. Your son needs to know that you will always come back for him - this age is all about building trust and connections. This is a really, really bad idea, and really, there is no rush to do it at this age. Just think of how fun it will be in a couple of years for the kids to go and spend the summer with grandma and grandpa! Doing it now could seriously interfere with this boy's bond with you and his father.
Don't DO IT! My sister was 3 when my dad convinced my mom to leave her with the babysitter while they traveled around Europe with me (an infant then) and my brother and oldest sister who were 9, 10. My sister would not speak to my mother for WEEKS after they returned and they've always had a difficult relationship since then. It broke my mother's heart, she always regretted her decision. If you decide to do it anyway, be sure to use skype to keep in contact, so you can see his face when you talk to him; and get him a ticket that can be changed if it doesn't work out.
I would never want to do this with any of my children- but I'm not in your situation.
I love compromises in marriages. The first thing I thought about was to wait until he was older, and shortening the time we would be gone. There's a compromise!
OMG this is horrible. My husbands entire family is from Europe & they have NEVER done this. I cannot imagine doing this at such a young age & for such a long long time. When something doesn't feel right or sound right then it isn't right. This is nearly half a year!!!!!! I hope you new this before you were married & agreed to it, because I would divorce over this. Just my opinion best of luck to you & your poor little guy who's life is about to be turned upside down. In his own little way of not being able to tell you but he will never be able to forgive you or trust you this could be very psychotramatic to him.
I read your whole post and I am just writting to say "I wish you luck" and I really do! xo xo xo
There is no way on God's green earth that I could send my son anywhere for 5 weeks, let alone months!! Culture, tradition, whatever! My son stays with me. End of story.
Sorry to be so rigid, but there is just no way.
It would break my heart to send my boy away for 5 months. He needs his mama, daddy and sister, not his grandparents right now. He's way too young! It's really wonderful they want to be a big part of his life, but I think 5 months (even 5 weeks) away from his family will cause him some serious re-adjusting when he gets home, and possibly some long term affects because he won't understand why it's happened. It would be too disturbing to his psyche. You could get the opinion of some child therapists, I'm pretty sure they would back you up. Good luck working it out with your hubby. It's a tough one.
OMG culture or no culture there is no way I would send my kids away for that long without me! , 5 months is a very long time to be away from both parents and he is so young , I understand that the grandparents want to see him but still , they and your husband should also respect your culture and your "feelings" as a mom. Can you compromise and let him go for 2 weeks , maybe 3 at a push???
Yikes, I am sure you are going to hear a lot of cons, but if it is is his culture and you love him and he seems well adjusted, then I am sure your son will be too.. Are you going to be able to skype and see your son online? That would be the hard part.. Not being able to see my child for so long..
Also what a great time to get your infant into a great routine and one on one time! Maybe even a little more time with your husband..
Search your heart and keep an open mind.. I am sending you strength..
I have a 2 1/2 year old son and can't imagine doing this to him (or me). Perhaps you could hold off until he is older?
Don't worry W., he will take great care of him,.grandparents are more careful than we can be. Ya know?
I am with Lee, there is no way I could let my child under the age of 15 leave me for more than a couple weeks and even that would be tough, especially one under 7 or so. There is no way, no how, absolutely no! I would never let him go. You are his mom.
I think that you should tell your husband that although you respect him and his culture, you just aren't comfortable to let your son be away from you for 5 months at this age. There will definitely be abandonment issues... twice.
Compromise. When your son is 13 (Older if you think it is necessary) he can go live with his grandparents during summer vacation.
