Need Advice- Feel So Alone

There was an article fairly recently in People magazine about a special program for vets and their wives given all the stresses when the soldier comes home. They profiled a few couples, one in particular, who has benefitted so much. If you google it, maybe you can find it. Unfortunately, it's probably a small program, hard to get into etc but it may be able to recommend similar ones close to where you live. The article is worth reading. The wife was on her last straw and now they are doing much better. Best wishes.

Please don't stay together just for the kids. Believe me they are well aware of the situation between you and your husband and more harm is being caused due to the tension in the household. I'm not saying leaving is THE answer, but please do something to get the kids in a better place. Being a veteran myself there are a ton of resources available to your husband. In fact, those same resources are available to you as well. Reach out to someone..... Good luck and there is a better life for you, with him or without him

I would recommend getting into counseling. If it helped before, it'll help again. Even if you can't get him to go and do couple's counseling, at least go by yourself.

Only you can make the decision as to whether you should stay or go. I would do everything I could to try to make it work first. If nothing seemed to help, or change, then I would consider leaving.

*hugs*

Hi 2boysNagirl,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I also applaud your husband for serving the country.

I think perhaps you answered your own question in the last sentence. My husband and I are in counselling, and it has helped a tremendous deal. there were difficult times where I went through what you described. A good therapist can help.

Having said that, i and i am sure all mommas would support you in any decision. I just firmly believe that we should do our best in any relationship before moving on. That sometimes the problems we have with one person will follow us as well if we do not deal with them in this moment. Does that make sense?

I send warm wishes and blessings your way. Hope this Helps. Jilly

Well, if counseling worked before, I'd probably try that again.
Is your husband receiving good medical care for his PTSD?
Good luck.

You should get counseling even if you're going by yourself. If you're not getting help from your counselor then find someone else. Counselors can give insight and a fresh perspective which is exactly what you need right now. I know it looks impossible but you can make it on your own (I'm not saying you should leave but either way there is hope). You'll need a strategy and plan but there is a way. It may help to separate for a little bit too. Talk to someone. Staying together JUST for the kids doesn't really help them in the long run. Counseling will help you whether you stay or leave. I'm all for working things out but it sounds like you need a break too. I wish you the best. Hang in there!

I'm not a single mom, but why not find somewhere that can really help your husband so he could, or would, be happy again? You need to get GOOD counseling or some kind of help for him and for yourself so you can be a happy family together and raise the children in a happy home with two parents. I don't know where to advise you go for that help but check with your city, doctors, churches, etc. Surely someone out there could help your husband. Please try that before you leave him.

Having a disabled spouse is mentally and physically exhausting. Counseling sessions are one time I can say whatever I want without repucussions. I did tell the counselor it can't be all venting and that I need real solutions to deal with things. I would go for your own sake.

Are his issues documented? It will be to your advantage to make sure they are.

See if there is a support group for you to attend and then get involved something for you to spend time doing that is for nothing but "fun." Maybe an exercise class, a book club, a small group at church, bowling league, etc., etc. I hope your stress level changes and everything lightens on your shoulders as quickly as possible. I know if I'm not happy if affects my marriage, children. Work on you for a bit and maybe your husband will be more content also.

If you are a reader you should read this:

http://www.amazon.com/Cutting-Loose-Women-Their-Marriages...

I read it 5 years post divorce and wish I'd read it sooner!! It's all about how successful women can be post divorce! And it gives some advice. VERY good book!

Good luck!

Well I have found the grass is the same color you just may not have as many weeds to pull.

What I get from what you wrote is he knows his issues are hard on the family. I also get the feel you don't realize you are asking to remove his lifeline and he isn't going to do that willingly. He will cling to the children, even knowing it is selfish, because he fears if he lets go of all of you he will just disappear.

I don't envy the situation you are in.

You also don't give me the idea that you don't love him though you may love who he was. If you leave you are going to feel guilty, like you sacrificed him to save yourself and your kids.

Does he have any family he could stay with. Not under the threat of divorce just so that you can heal? What I see is you are both damaged by his condition but you have a better chance of quickly healing. He could continue to get help, keep in contact, see his kids, ya know? his lifeline but the distance would allow you to heal. Once you are strong again, with any luck, he would also be in a better place. That way you could get back together and this time keep the communication open so you don't get back to this point.

Can you tell I hate throwing away a marriage that may work?

Maybe you don't need to think about divorce right now but rather, you just need to get away. It sounds like you need time to figure some things out. This might be a new chapter in your life. You don't want to make the wrong decisions.

Can you find something that has childcare? Join a gym...most places you can keep your kids there for up to 2+ hrs. Go workout for 30 mins and spend the rest of the time listening to music or reading in the locker room. Our gym has a lounge w/comfy chairs and a TV!

Bible study. Even though you may not go to church or like to do Bible work, its always nice to just sit in a room of fairly mentally sound ladies whom you can share with and listen to. Alot of them start off w/prayer so you can share then w/someone's arm around you and holding your hand.

Hav eyou been to a military spouse support group? Even though your husband is no longer active, I'm sure there are groups around for inactive personnel or personnell suffering from PTSD.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I have no idea what it's like, so I won't pretend to know for sure what you should do. Here's my idea: Can you get counseling/meds for your depression? And definitely go to counseling on your own. If you both go, great, but I think it would benefit you, by yourself, to get some help on how to deal. I don't know if it's worth the fight to leave. Plus, your kiddos may not react well, especially once they are grown, to being taken from their father. And who knows, maybe it will make them stronger, better people to be around their father?? But your relationship with him definitely needs to be positive and loving for the situation to be beneficial.
I'm so sorry for this hard situation. I have a coworker in a somewhat similar predicament, and it's so hard on her.
Please keep us updated!! Hang in there.