Need Advice - Parker,CO

I used to be the one not interested in sex and my poor husband put up with me. I had thyroid issues. Things improved when I got my thyroid taken care of. It took a while for this to happen though.

This is not the kind of problem that I've ever heard of anyone solving. There are probably reasons that he's not into sex that he would never discuss with you, and it's probably not about you at all (unless you've gained 50 pounds since you met him). He's probably always been like this.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

The very first thing that came into my head when I read this is that he is probably depressed. Severe depression can effect the libido. Has he been really tired, or eating a lot more or a lot less then normal, or really separated from life in general?
A close family member of mine suffers from depression. And their wife and I talk about a lot of stuff and libido and mood swing are two big problems.
Drinking more than usual, seeming distracted from life, or off in his own world, lack of motivation to do normal activities?
All of these can be signs, even less obvious can be just a feeling that he is "off" somehow.
But, anyway, that is my thoughts, I would see if he was willing to see a therapist.
Hope that helps, good luck.

What kind of work does he do? Is he just too tired? Is his job stressful? I only ask because my husband used to work for the most cruel, demanding boss and worked LONG hours, sometimes 15 hours a day, and he was just so stressed out that sex was out of the question. I took it personal for a while, but I learned it wasn't me.

If it's just sex that is lacking, be grateful! Try to be intimate in other ways. Feed the kids first, and eat a quiet dinner together once they are asleep. Snuggle on the couch. Comment of how hot he is and I'm sure the comments will be reciprocated.

I also noticed that you posted a question about breast feeding. That might also be the cause of the problem. He might be a little freaked out about it, but ashamed to admit it.

I think women need to be showered with attention and affection to feel loved, and I think that most men don't realize that. They show love by providing and protecting.

I am definitely not even remotely close to a therapist but it is my experience that brought me to that conclusion. Maybe a therapist can help you though. They are great at putting things in perspective that might otherwise be overlooked.

Good luck, and it is great that you are not blaming this on an affair, because I think it is a common misconception, and it leads to more complicated situations.

Men equate sex with emotional attachment and a way they show love. I am very certain your husband loves you. However this is a "medical" condition that may not be able to be fixed with drugs or even a book.
You both need to seek counselling. He could be going through something at work, deep inside some feelings of self doubt, you never know. Does he show affection, like hugs and kissing? Is he avoiding you? Do you get a long well otherwise? You didn't say your ages?

A lot more has to be brought to the surface rather then something you can fix at home. Men's sex drive can go away with some medical conditions too, I suggest his Dr maybe give him a thorough medical checkup too.
I am not expert in the marriage department as I am divorced, however I know firsthand when someone loses interest there is an underlying reason that needs to be brought out.

For women we lose interest for medical or emotional reasons too. Hormones play a factor for us. I can say when my ex was a very selfish and negative man, then would go to touch me I cringed, basically couldn't be intimate with someone I resented that much and he wouldn't seek counselling or talk to me which made it all worse. He put down everything I tried to do positive and it grew and grew as a big ball of resentment. On the surface things may have seemed fine but I was so hurt inside. Then him nagging me about it made it even harder for me to try to get in the mood. He became snide about it and it really caused a huge wedge in our relationship. We could coexsist and talk about anything else but it seemed as far as our relatonship was concerned, we were miserable.

Not saying that is the problem for you, I loved my husband but I was so angry deep inside and felt so overwhelmed with two little kids and he was never around to depend on. I needed to be heard, he needed to have sexual fullfillment and we hit a stalemate. I regret that we didn't fight harder to figure it out. He never understood me, got angrier because I pulled away, wouldn't listen when I did try to explain and it was a nightmare. I knew he needed intimacy, however felt my emotional needs weren't being met and didn't believe in "faking" it. We had more issues and the marriage crumbled.

Men are sexually driven creatures biologically, but a lot of stress or life issues can put a damper on that. They have a lot harder time expressing what is going on internally.
Maybe find out if something is going on at work, is he under a lot of pressure? Go seek counselling and have him have a full medical evaluation. Also instead of waiting on him to initiate, you turn the TV off, stand in front of him and approach him with a nice piece of lingerie , really try to get him in the mood. Don't assume, don't get angry, don't take it personally until you can figure it out together.
Good luck and God bless, fight for what you want, men sometimes just don't understand us, both of you together with a counselor could help. Even rent that movie Fireproof and watch it together!

Don't give up. Marriage isn't easy for anybody. Without telling all your friends or the whole world about your problem, ask a couple of people you trust and respect for the name of a counselor. Talk to your husband about visiting the counselor together; if he declines, go yourself. There could be a number of reasons for this situation, including possibly some depression. But that's a guess. I'm not an expert. You need an expert.

My husband has a very low testosterone level. It sounds like that might be the case with your husband. We were married 25 years before we found out about it. He has used the testosterone patch, but it didn't really help and he was worried about the side effects. He uses Viagra which works well sometimes and sometimes not (probably worries about the side effects too). Sometimes we go a month or two without sex, but that is ok. At least I know now that it isn't me, that's just the way he is. I know another friend whose husband has a low testosterone level, too, so evidently it isn't that uncommon. Focus on his good qualities. You can cuddle and show you love him without intercourse. My first husband had to have sex every other night, but didn't love me and was not good for me in every other way, so I feel really blessed to have my husband.

I am not an expert but it sounds like your husband could be depressed. Is he working and providing for the family? That's awesone you love him and are commited to the relationship. He may need some professional help, and not a medical Dr., all they do is prescribe meds and that is not the answer. There is definately something going on and it probably is not about you!

the first years of marriage take sossss much adjusting and change of expectations. I LOVE "5 love languages" too, but I think there is more to your situation than that. Did they check his testosterone? (they should have) Also, he may be "self fixing" like others have said, ... just hang in there and love him unconditionally, that way no matter what happens you will know you did your best through everything! Hang in there :( it's not easy, and recognize any other ways he may be trying to show love to you (acts of service, quality time, ...)

wow, I know what your talking about. My husband had the same problem. He didnt take the medication because he felt that if he had to take the medication that meant he wasnt a man anymore. And that may be your mans problem,and he just doesnt want to say so. It took me a very long time to get that out of my husband. So you may want to ask him about tha area and let him know that no matter what you dont see him any less of a man.

Well this is almost the opposite of my releationship with my husband. I am the one who usually does not want it. Personally, it has nothing to do with my husband. It is just I am so tired, and all I want to do is relax and go to bed when I have free time. I am not stressed at all. But I am so tired all the time. Maybe that might be the case with him. How many hours a day does he work? Does he come home and do house chores afterwards, helps take care of the kids, etc?

I just had to write and tell you that I am in the exact position in my marriage. I am glad you guys have open conversations that is definitely a start. I am excited to read your advice. I just wanted to know that you are not the only one.

I would suggest marriage counceling. It could really help both of you understand what the other one is feeling. It may also help determine if he is depressed (it sounds a lot like it to me; guys show it in different ways that women do) and if so get the kind of help he needs.

Maybe he started having performance anxiety, or feels inadequate, or is having ED issues. (He may not have talked about this to the doctor - it could be very embarrasing!!) And pressuring him may just make him feel more inadequate.

I would also suggest you romance him. Don't make it about sex. Make it about you as a couple. What did you do for fun when you were dating? Where did you go to make out (if you did)? What things do you enjoy now? Go out together on weekly dates. And do things he's interested in. If he's watching t.v. curl up next to him (or climb into his lap) and watch with him once in a while. Rub his back or his arm, or any other kind of physical contact. Get him to take you places he'll enjoy (car shows, dirt bike rallies, duck hunting, whatever it is he likes). When you make it about doing stuff with him, he will probably open up to you and eventually be more interested in sex. If he isn't interested in any of the stuff you used to do, or in things he used to enjoy by himself, it is also a big red flag for depression. Again, do what you need to get him help.

I personally don't have any experience with this, but I know personally a cousin and a few family members with this problem. Unfortunately most of them turned out for the worst. I will only say that each of the men were each getting their fix somewhere else. I would check out a psychiatrist. If it is a hormonal thing, then the Dr. can prescribe medicine, if he needs a good therapy session, then he can get that also. Psychiatrist are Dr. trained in therapy and have a huge amount of training....more so than Councilors or therapists.

If the issue is just his sex drive I would suggest two herbs, maca or horny goat weed. If the issue is stress there are many herbal teas that can help with stress as well as increasing the amount of exercise he gets. One thing is for sure, you need to work together to find a solution that you can both live with. Hang in there tough times come and go but the love can remain strong if you continue to work at it.
Stephanie L.

I just want to say that it is such a stereotype that men are always horny, and they have "needs" stronger than ours. I think, from my personal experience, that may be true for many men, but not ALL men! I therefore refute/disagree with some of the assertations below that your husband must satisfying his sexual needs elsewhere. I have a much stronger sexual desire than my husband, always have, and we began dating when he was 20 (I was 26)- when men supposedly are so horny they can't keep it down. There is so much mental/social baggage associated with sex. I echo the advice below on seeking therapy. I sympathize and feel for you... and cheer you on for seeking help.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain! My husband also suffers from depression so we went and talked to a counsellor. We saw her seperately too and I think that made a difference. Because then we could focus on our own problems and the problems we were having as a couple just fixed themselves. First of all you need to know that you are not the reason he is depressed and watching TV instead of spending time with you. It is not your fault. I know you want to help him. Here's what I did with my husband. first I started standing up for myself instead of catering to his every whim. When he did something I didn't like I told him firmly and without a crying emotional fit. When I wanted to go do something for myself I asked him politely if he would mind if I went and did such-and-such. Sometimes I just told him where I was going and left him with the kids. It will be good for you to do something that you want to do and good for him to see you being genuinely happy. It might inspire him to get off the couch and out of depression. A great book to read is called Wild at Heart and there's another one that corresponds to it called Captivating. I like to buy my books at Alibris.com. Anyway, good luck to you and your family. Be true to yourself and don't let anyone take advantage of you.

Something that could be his problem could just be stress. Women will lose thier sex drive because they're tired or stress the same also goes for men. With a 10 month old I am sure that he worries about the finances, especially with the economy the way it is. Also he could be tired after having a long day at work and dealing with people that all he wants to do is veg. Something that might help is telling him that he has 1 hour after getting home from work to watch TV, veg, take a nap, whatever. Then maybe just talk to him. ask him how his day was at work and take interest in his mind. Men like to know that we care about their days. My husband is a computer programmer and I hate computers. But sometimes he just wants to talk about his day and programs that he has been working on. When he knows that I am listening he feels extra special. However I can't say that any of this will help with his sex drive but it is possibly something to think about. It is hard because as a woman you probably just want to know that he is still attracted to you. I am sure that he is. Right now he may just need to resolve some things. Like other posters suggested counseling could help. Needs not being met anywhere and no signs of resolution are things that need to be taken care of as soon as possible. Also know that the more you focus on it the harder it will be for him. Good luck.

Hand him his med with his breakfast. "Here ya go darling, and I got a slinky nightie to go with it!" It sounds like it's a job for him right now... much like you hate cleaning the bathroom. You know that it needs it, and are generally satisfied with the results when you do, but you just don't want to face it right now.

He's probably wanting you to just be happy with the bathroom/sex life the way it is. It'll take some work, but if you want a spit spot bathroom, you better try and get a rag or *something* in his hand. "C'mon babe, I got a little something for you to rub..."

Also, if your instincts tell you otherwise, completely and utterly disregard this advice. You know him, and you're bright enough to get educated. Maybe you don't hand him his med, but rather grind it up in a morning smoothie. Go for it. You can do it! Yes you can.

This is how it started for me and my husband. We went through everything you explained, including different medications. I ignored it and ended up moving out.
I URGE you not to wait and try to do stuff to make it work now. My husband and I are working at it now, go to a counselor, and are reading a book called, "The Five Love Languages (together-we each have a copy)." It's a quick read and has been a real eye opener in terms of just talking with each other. For instance, you might be affirmed through quality time but if he affirms you by providing you with material things, you will be unfulfilled while he thinks that he is affirming you. There's also a website with worksheets too.

Our biggest problem was just communication. Further, he started seeing a therapist because he could not deal with the work stress and it was affecting everything. The problem you're explaining is not about sex, it's something deeper, so I would just avoid books that talk about adding sex into your life, that could just hurt him and since you're not communicating, he won't tell you that either. :(

IF you've noticed this before in your husband, I would read, "Drama of a Gifted Child," by Miller. It seems like an odd title but you explained what I lived and this book really helped explained why my husband is the way that he is.

Good luck!!
Hang in there -- know that you have to take care of yourself

I have been there before, only my husband won't go to the Dr. So kudos for your husband in going and trying to get some help. Have you tried other alternatives? There are many out there that can help a ton! I'd be happy to share those with you if you'd like.

It can be hurtful and frustrating for sure. Having tried to understand at first and not truly understanding where he was coming from was hard, it hurt, it didn't make sense to me - and esp hurt when he wouldn't go to the Dr.

Come full circle though, I know now what it feels like to not have a sex drive either. Sigh. But, we work together, we understand each other, and we also understand right now - with having two little kids, that time is limited and it doesn't necessarily stamp our marriage or sex life as being in trouble (like all the media reports say about marriage, and having lack of sex.)

I think what needs to be understood is that despite his lack of drive, that this intimacy IS important to you even if he doesn't have the drive. So, once he understands this, and the need to look for other alternatives to make it work... things tend to fall into place.

My marriage, even though extremely lack in the sex dept, is a good, strong, wonderful, loving marriage.

Intimacy can be felt throughout the day, but a mere touch of his/or your hand. Spooning is a good one - naked even ;) There are SO many ways, and ways to lead up to regardless of lack of sex drive - to make love. I think just because it feels like it is not a need in one spouse, but it is in the other, should be important to say that I love my spouse enough to try new things to make it work. On the other hand, try and step in his shoes. As a male, can you imagine what this must make him feel? Embarrassed? Angry? An uncomfortable subject, because this maybe should not be happening to him? It could be a zillion things. Try to understand where he is coming from and be comforting to him, but try and get him to understand that this is important to you too on the flip side, and to try other alternatives.

I'd be happy to list those here, but I don't have enough time to do so right now. Please email me ____@____.com or I'll be back as soon as I can to list some ideas for you to try - even if he is unsure of trying, it doesn't hurt for you to try it. KWIM?

(((HUGS))) Hang in there!

C.,

I hear the pain in your voice, even in print. It sounds like you have tried some good things; reading a book, having him see his doctor, etc. What do you think is underlying his lack of interest in sex? Is there a lot of stress in his life right now, or an unresolved conflict between you? Is he depressed? Is he not enjoying other things he used to enjoy? Sometimes a sex problem is a sign of something deeper going on; it's not always easy to figure out what that is.

I work with couples with young kids on keeping their marriage strong during the busy parenting years. Marriage satisfaction and sexual satisfaction frequently decrease during the early parenting years, so you are not alone! I would be happy to help in any way I can. I have some free marital communication resources and a free newsletter available at www.EmbraceLifeCoach.com. I also do free consultations with struggling couples to see if relationship coaching might help them. You will be in my thoughts!

C. Hoffman
www.EmbraceLifeCoach.com

Dear C.,
It sounds to me as if he could use some help from a naturopath. They treat the whole body, mind, body & spirit. They get to the root of the problem & don't try to cover it up with meds.

Also what works for sex drive is a natural hormone balancing cream. It is a natural anti-deppressant also so if that's something he struggles with it can truly help him.

Hang on hon! Remember how much you love him, what a great dad he is & never stop talking to him about it. I hope the best for you both. G

when my dh was like this it had less to do with his lobido and more to do with his masturbating problem, he took care of his needs on his own--once that got out and into the open and we could talk about the real issue we were able to work on solutions together and now have a very fulfilling relationship. I'm not saying this is your dh's issue but it won't get better until you both are communicating honestly 100% of your emotions and feelings about the situation, one of you can't fix it alone. You can do a TON to make it easier for yourself and to propel your spouse to have to change one way or the other, but it takes both of us for a real relationship to open up.
two to tango you know?
Lately it's my dh who has to wait around and is more hopeful...I have depression and it does make me not want sex very often. I think it is good you are looking for answers, I would recommend personal counseling for you so you can work through your responses to his actions so that you can just take responsibility for what you can control. If you are emotionally healthy you will be in the best place to address your marriage health.

I hate hearing these stories, it is frustrating for both parties! The worse part is sometimes I think people just forget how to get back on track and get a bit lazy. Doesn't mean they don't love you, they just got lazy. Kids sometimes add to this too. Needless to say, I would certainly try a couple of silly home remedies first and if you get nothin' then maybe it is a psycological thing not a general doctor/ medicine thing.

Now this is going to sound terrible but I have found that sometimes you just need to remind them that you are a bit hard to get. Guys for some reason like to feel needed and at the same time like to have to "hunt" for something, sex being the "something" here. For about a week, get yourself all done up every day, go out with your kids or by your self, be gone only for an hour or two, come back happy. Do not even mention one time that you want to have sex, but remember BE HAPPY! Do what you do around the house, cook, clean, whatever, but BE HAPPY. Now here is the kicker, kind of blow him off a bit, don't do everything for him. If you would normally run over and fill his water, cuddle with him on the couch, try to get his attention. STOP IT ALL!! For some reason, sometimes they notice that they have to work to get you again and they get inspired.

Sounds like game-playing but really it's not. It is a last ditch effort to get him off his rear. I can say that it certainly isn't working if you have tried this for a week or two and get no results, at which point you need to see a marriage counselor and find out what is mentally going on - 'cause men need sex! Something is mentally stopping him from even taking the meds that the doctor gave him.

Good Luck!

P.S. You are probably right that he is not having an affair, men will usually over-compensate if they are messing around. They are either overly turned on or they don't want you to suspect anything.

www.takeninhand.com

It sounds like he's depressed. Hang in there. Marriage has all kinds of "seasons."
God bless you,

I wonder if his low sex drive is being caused by another health problem? Did his doctor do a complete physical or just write a prescription and send him on his way. If this is a big change in his personality it could be a symptom of even bigger problems whether they are emotional or physical. Let your husband know that you love him and are worried about him, not just because you want a better sex life, but because you want him to be happy too. Good luck!

Have you ever thought about having your husband goto see a chiropractor? He could have a subluxation (fancy term for a vertebrae that is out of proper alignment) that is pinching on a nerve that controls the sexual drive.

Most chiropractors will do a free consultation and exam - it might be worth it if for nothing else to see what's going on with his spine.

C.,

This might sound wierd.. but it's almost a roll-reversal, so I'm going to tell you what I would tell any of my male friends!

Have you tried the romance thing instead of just sex? Cook a lovely dinner (or better yet, if you can go out...)dress sexy, just do the lovey, cuddly stuff. Don't ask for, push for, or even look for sex the first time or two. Rub his shoulders, touch his hand or arm as you pass him. Try to re-create the intimacy you had prior to kids. Talk to him - not about sex!

If this doesn't help, he may be depressed or something else is going on that could be affecting other areas of your life together... he may need to talk to someone else.

But, I would start with trying to recreate the intimacy you used to have.

Good luck. I'll be praying for you both.

C.

C.:

You and your husband (if he will do it), need to read the Five Love Languages. People express love in different ways and this has been very helpful for me and my husband. It's interesting though because one of my husband's primary love languages is physical touch but when he is not feeling good about himself or things in life, he becomes distant. Since I know that about him, I will give him a hug, kiss, a massage etc. because he needs those things to feel loved. It really is a fantastic book and very helpful to understand how other people express and feel love. Definitely tell your husband how much you appreciate him and that you love him. Not having an interest in sex is usually not about sex at all but other things going on that could be psychological or medical etc. Be diligent, loving and I second someone else's advice and that is try to bring back the romance in small ways...

Is your ten month old your first child? Having a kid changes a lot of things for both parties in a marriage. My husband and I have been happily married for 6 1/2 years. we jusr had our first baby. It has been such an adjustment to go from being just us; and I have had to cut back my work hours so finances are tight. My husband is pretty stressed about work, plus he hates his job but he keeps it to take care of us, and he stresses out about the baby and worries that she's healthy. When he gets home he justs wants to diappear into his study. He also is very ready to eat whe he gets home and things are better if I have something either ready or in the making. My husband and I were very sexually active before the baby, but it has slowed down A LOT. I really think its the stress and adjustment from the baby. He was really really distant for a while after the baby was born and I would sit and cry in our room (i was also suffereng from post pardom depression though), but he needed time to sort things out and adjust and I read that one of the ways men can react to having children is to focus even more on work. THey feel like they need to and they feel like they are showing their love for you by sacrificing. Lack of sex drive can be a sign of depression so make sure that you rule that out. Also know that you have tons of hormones from having the baby and they affect him. Just remember that one of the best ways to get your needs met is to first try to meet the needs of your partner. Those needs may not be sexual at all but try to identify them and work on them. Try to be patient and COMMUNICATE with one another. Make sure you guys have some time alone togther, date. Make sure your husband doesn't feel like you are all about the baby and then when he comes home suddenly you want sex. Make sure he feels like he is a priority in your life. also does your husband have an outlet for stress? Exercise is key for us. Try to do things for him that show you care like have his favorite treat ready for him, or write him letters to take to work with him expressing what a wonderful husband he is, etc.
Good luck. Be patient.

I am a single mom and I miss the touch of a man SO MUCH! We all need the human touch-that is a necessity. I go to the doctor to get my hormones checked and my testosterone is low and he told me that stress will do this... If your husband is stressed in any way, that could be the issue. I wanted my marriage to work so much and I am glad to hear that you are trying. You can only try for so long and then it is time to think about you and the kids. Kids need to see a loving relationship. There is so much violence in the world that the kids benefit from seeing a kind word or gentle touch between mom and dad. I tried and tried to get my husband to go to counseling and he would never do it. He had me so mentally whipped that he thought that I would never get enough nerve to leave. I would suggest that you go and talk to a counselor or both of you go and talk to a counselor. I think that there is a deeper issue here.

Well I can honestly say that what he is experienceing is not normal for a guy. I think that the medication probably is what he really needs. Maybe if you can somehow convince him to start taking it then he will realize that it makes him feel more normal.
I realize you are probably not feeling so loved at the moment, but asking him to stop talking to his daughter is not something I would have done. I mean what would you do if he didn't want to marry you unless you stopped talking to your daughter? That is a little bit unsensitive. Isn't loving someone about accepting everything in their life? That means his children too. If you ask a parent to choose between you and their child, they will choose the child everytime. I am sure that isn't a decision he wants to make. He probably wants to keep you both. It's not fair to ask him to choose.