Need Advice - Reynoldsburg,OH

Dear P.,

Please read through completely - don't stop...

Your sister says you aren't raising your kids, she and your mom are. You say that your sister doesn't watch her own kids, tries to get away, yells a lot, and her husband does more for them than she does.

Either your mother misunderstood, you are not perceiving things correctly, or your sister is lashing out for some unknown reason.

Taking you at your word, I would think it is much more likely that your sister is jealous. I know of no other relationship, from the number of women I have spoken to who have difficult sisters, where jealousy can be such a motivating factor.

Does your sister seem happy in her marriage? If your fiance' seems more wonderful than her husband, perhaps she just doesn't want to be around him for that reason. Perhaps your relationship, your attention to your own kids, etc. makes her feel inadequate or makes her realize her own unhappiness.

I wouldn't confront your sister with what your mom said since you said your mom lives there. If you wait for an opportunity, I'm sure she'll let something slip and then you can question her directly "what did that mean?" "sometimes I get the impression that..." approach it more indirectly.

Good luck to you, though. It sounds like your sister is unhappy and if your life is going well, it may make her feel better to think that it's only because she's so involved in raising your kids...

P.,
I think you DO need to ask your sister if what you were told is the full truth because it's very fishy to me that your mother would repeat such nasty, hurtful things to you if there wasn't an underlying reason. It's not even fair that she lay all this on you and then have the audacity to ask you not to confront your sister. Tell me what good could have possible come from her telling this? To pit one sister against another isn't what a normal mother would do. She should have told her to mind her business and shut her mouth. And if she's telling this kind of stuff to you, I wonder what kind of stuff she's telling your sister. I have an older sister who LOVES to cause trouble in the family and she would do the exact same thing to me and my younger sister - make up a huge lie that my sister was suppose to have said and then tell me and tell me not to say anything about it. Trust me - ASK.

I don't think it's fair for your mom to tell you all of that and expect you not to say anything. I wouldn't address it with your sister, or at least say, "Mom said you have a problem with some of the things I'm doing as far as raising my children and whom I want to marry. . ." Just be non-confrontational about it and try not to get angry. Just listen and maybe try to make her see your point of view.

I know that my sisters do it all the time. We complain to my mom or dad about something the other sister is doing that we don't like. I think this is often the nature of those sisterly relationships. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Still, we love them, don't we?

As difficult as it might be, I would try to spend a lot less time at your sister's house. Take the kids to the park, the library, or even other friends or relatives. There will be less fuel for her fire..she can't claim she's raising your kids if they are not there. Unfortunately, she seems a little bitter for some reason, and even though you can't control what she says about you, minimizing contact can help. Maybe she'll move on to criticize someone else's parenting.
I definitely wouldn't repeat what your mother told you. Your sister would say something, you'd lose your mom's trust and wouldn't hear what was being said in the future.
Family issues are difficult...I wish you all the luck. Let us know how it turns out. :)

Oh my. Why are you at your sisters everyday? I'd say to stop doing that. It's much easier to judge someone and what they're doing/not doing when you're with them everyday. I would have to say something to your sister though. Why would your mom tell you that and NOT expect you to say anything? Your mother should have kept her mouth shut if she didn't want to get into trouble. I know you've got your hands full with a 16 month and 5 month old but you need to go at it alone (at home). I don't know why mothers, especially sisters, are so critical of each other. Motherhood is the HARDEST job out there and we should be sticking together. Not judging each other and how you do the job.

Hi P.,
I agree with another poster that you should achieve some kind of personal independence away from people that seem more destructive than constructive. Find a playgroup, sign up for classes for children, join the local early childhood PTA (I can send you links if you want). Get a job (like at a daycare) where you can work and still be around your kids.... Also, it is not right that your mother tell you these things. It sounds more like instigating. What is she trying to achieve from this other than create problems for you and your sister. And another thing, if your fiance is not allowed at your sister's then you should not associate with them either. I got the impression, from what you wrote, that it's not important to you. If your family does not accept your choice of men then that's a very serious problem. Families by definition should love and accept unconditionally.

I understand that your mom don't want you to say anything to your sister because she doesn't want you two to fight, but this obviously a concern that your mom have. If it was me, I would ask my sister about her actions that her and her husband are presenting towards you. I would definetly ask her why is it that your husband is not welcomed into their home. This is especially that you say nothing happened? Then, do you think that they could be jealous? Maybe there is happiness that you two have that they may lack. These are things that you should ask yourself. You and your sister are both stay at home moms and there shouldn't be anything that they're mad about. Hope this helps.

I find it odd that your mom would tell you this, yet not want you to say anything. What is the point, or should I say, motivation for saying such horrible things to you? Since none of us know your family, it's hard to say. Have you point blank asked your sister why your fiance is not allowed in her house? I just find it strange. Sorry I can't offer more advice, but I personally would stay away.

I agree with everyone who has said confront your sister and tell her what you think about the situations that are bothering you and also stop going over there so often.

Hi P.,
First of all, I would stay away from your sisters house. Second of all, I don't see how your mother doesn't expect you not defend yourself. If she didn't want a fight she shouldn't have told you. I think she did the right thing by telling you but, she really can't expect you not to defend yourself. Do you have a friends house you can go to instead of your sister's? Or you could just stay home and plan some activities with your kids. If you do decide to confront your sister about this I would let your mom know ahead of time so she's not thrown under the bus. Your sister shouldn't put your mom in the middle like that. If she needed to vent she should have vented to her husband or a friend. About them not liking your fiance I would ask for an explanation on that. Make them tell you what it is they don't like about him. It's not up to them to like him they are not in a relationship with him.Good luck!

L.

Misery loves company. I have a sister and a mom that play these games. Stay away from them for a while and they will know that something is up and then your sister may wonder what's up. You don't have to squeal on your mom but I would definitely let them know you are unhappy and then let them figure out why. You sound like a great mom that just likes to have fun. Sometimes family just isn't the best because maybe your sister is jealous of you for some unknown reason? Maybe she sees you happy and she isn't so happy? Just a guess. Good luck

If she really feels that way, she'll not mind if you withdraw. And if she's always yelling at her kids and criticizing you (especially in front of your own kids), why would you want your children to be around that? That does nothing for their respect for you or their aunt, or anyone who lets her get away with that. Even if your mom is good to them, it's not worth being there.

I would suggest pulling back and maybe only going over to your sister's once a week -- don't let on to your oldest that there's a problem with your sister, that won't help anything, either. If your mom wants to come visit you, facilitate that. But as for the sis? Give her some time on her own. Sounds like she needs it, and I think you'll be happier, too. And it's not spiteful to give people what they want.

Also, about her not getting along with your fiance? That's only her problem. If she wants to have issues, she'll have them, and there's nothing you can do about it. And he doesn't need to be subjected to disrespect, regardless of how new the relationship is. The most important relationship for you right now is him. Not even to your mom or your sister, but to him. If you're getting married, you need for your kids to learn to love and respect him right now--and the best way to do that is to do it yourself.

It sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It really isnt your sisters place to be saying those things to your mother. What did your mom have to say about it?

Having a 16 month and 5 month old is hard. I have 14 month old twins and two older boys so I can see how hard it is having two little ones running around at the same time.

Maybe you should take a break from your sister from awhile. Ask your mom to come to your house if she wants to spend time with you guys. As for your fiancee not being welcome in her home, have you ever asked her why? It doesnt really seem fair to not welcome him as she does you since he is essentially part of the family and obviously a big part of your life.

Try talking to your sister about that and see what she has to say. If you dont want to get your mom in the middle since she lives with your sister, I wouldnt recommend saying anything unless she brings it up.

Bottom line is, you know you are a good mom and that should be what counts the most in your heart. I know that is easier said than done, but that is reality. Maybe your sister is jealous of you for some reason.

I hope this helps. If you need someone to chat with, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com

B.

hi P.!
my situation is . . . sort of similar but in reverse, with younger kids. my son is 5 mos & my niece is 1 mo. and i do not agree with the way my sister chooses to parent. nor do i like her girlfriend. (its a messed up situation but yes i said girlfriend.) anyway, what i did, was decided to keep my mouth shut. at least to her and my mom. its her kid and her life and she can live it however she chooses. which i say, only to say this. it's YOUR life, YOUR kids, and YOUR fiance. if your sister doesnt like it, well, its really none of her business anyway. i'd go with lots of other ladies here, who suggested that you stop spending so much time with her, and find some other activities if that's what you want to do. or just stay home with the little ones, if that suits you better. then neither you nor your kids have to be exposed to someone whos parenting style you do not approve of.

Dear P.,
Your solution is to just stop spending so much time with your sister. She is very critical of you. Join a Mom's group, make playdates, take your kids to the library, the park, the museum, the zoo, whatever you enjoy. If your sister wants you to watch her kids, tell her that you honestly already have plans, you're really sorry, but she will have to get another sitter. Don't bother to confront her and make a scene; just kindly make some distance. Definitely do not get your mom in trouble--or she may have to move it with you!
Anyway, just find ways to make your life more independent from your sister, get some activities you enjoy, and you will be much happier.
Best wishes,
K.