Nanny Duties

i'm on a very different page from everyone else. i think it's perfectly possible to only take on as many kids as one can handle, and still be fair.
the poster is not a parent, and has already pushed her comfort zone. saying that she MUST take both girls, one of whom is a toddler (challenging for experienced parents) is a recipe for miserable weekends for everybody.
i think you should be frank with the parents that 2 little girls are too much for you to watch for an entire weekend. you're not bad for craving some one-on-one time with the child you fostered. clearly you have big hearts, and this is a cherished relationship.
i do strongly suggest that you work on developing a relationship with the little sister. not only will this balance the perception of favoritism, it will harbor sweet gifts for you.
but i think it's perfectly okay to request that you get the girls one at a time, or both together for short visits, like an afternoon. kids are not package deals. they are individuals, and are healthier and stronger for learning at young ages to develop relationships on individual bases.
khairete
S.

I took care of my granddaughter, my first grandchild, during much of the first year of her life and then continued to have her often after that. When she was 3, her brother was born. When he was around 6 or so he wanted to stay overnight at my house just as his sister did. I resisted at first, thinking in much the same way you've expressed yourself. I, too, didn't think I could manage both kids.

I finally realized he is my grandchild and in fact it wasn't fair to exclude him. He saw his sister as getting priveliges he didn't have. They are equal in the eyes of the family. Yes, I did have a special bond with his sister but when I thought about it I could see how he must feel.

So, I started having him stay overnight on Tuesdays and continued to have his sister stay overnight on Fridays. It's been 2-3 years now and we're still doing this. Having him spend the night increased our bond with each other. I'm so glad that I did this!

Look at this from the viewpoint of the sister. So what, if it provides the parents with free babysitting? Focus on your relationship with the children. Having you also entertain the sister will help build a better and more natural relationship between the two children.

Just as you had to build the relationship with your now 4yr old niece, you will have to build a relationship w/ your other niece too (and that would be true even if you hadn't fostered the oldest). Relationships don't "just happen". While you will always have a special relationship with the eldest, you should also establish a special, although different, relationship with the now 2 yr old.

Tell the parents that you welcome special time with both nieces but are not currently up for having a toddler overnight (the 4yr old is a preschooler). Ask to take her for a few hours during the day (allowing the parents special time w/ the oldest). Then take her home and pick up the oldest for a special outing (which can include over night if you so choose).

Over time, keep the younger one for a bit longer at a time and work up to an overnight (if you are still up for it).

I'm a strong believer in siblings come as a package deal. They need to be together and treated with the same love. Only on rare occasions will we separate kids (older kid goes to camp because younger can't due to age restrictions). If you can't watch both on a general term, don't watch either. You will destroy the 2 year old's self esteem with she becomes aware that she's not "wanted".

I have a feeling you just don't like the younger one as much. Maybe because she's in the "terrible twos", maybe because you don't agree with her conception if the parents could not handle one and you had to foster that child. Don't berate me for saying it, I say it because when my younger sister got pregnant at 16 I had to "foster" her son. I took care of him and now that he's 15 he comes to me for everything. My sister had another baby (still not married) and although I love her I can't shake that she really should've been more careful. So there's that nagging in the back of my mind that we are not responsible for raising her kids. So I do feel a bit of, gosh, I don't want to go over this again (not to mention I have my own kids now). BUT... in the end, it's not the the child's fault and I never show preference to the older son whom I had the chance to connect with. And one thing I know, the two boys, as far apart in age as they are love going out together. Yeah, sometimes I drop off the older one to skate but if it's something both can do I always try to bring both. You're not stepping on the older girl's toes I can't even fathom how that logic works. I can only see that by taking just one child is stepping on the other child's toes.

BTW, only my opinion and I may be way off. All you need to do is really think about why you don't want to take the younger one. Feeling used is valid. Feeling you can't take care of two small girls is not when you have not tried but may be valid if the younger one is completely wild. Feeling you may hurt the feelings of the older child is completely invalid any way you look at it. If she does feel neglected even after all the attention she gets from you, I'd be likely to think she may be a bit spoiled and needs to learn to share the love.

I would try to get to know the 2 yr old too, sounds like they could both use your positive influence, starting w day time visits. Do this occasionally, not often.

If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, by continuing to spend time with the child who lived with you for almost a year and to get the chance to build a bond with her sister, your other niece..... Then I don't know what to tell you.

You NOW have the chance to build a relationship with your 2nd niece. It seems like you are unwilling to take that chance to play an active role as an aunt and uncle in that child's life. I think that is kind of sad.

How often are they asking? EVERY weekend? Or just when you take the older they also want you to take her sister... your other niece.

If I were the parents and you were unwilling to build a relationship with your other niece I would probably pull back on letting you spend any time with the older girl. I realize you have a different relationship with the older girl, because she lived with you for 7 months, but most aunts and uncles take nieces and nephews overnight occasionally.

You might have to cut back on ANY overnights (even with the older one) and just start spending time with each of them, individually so you can build a relationship with the younger niece as well.

Just say no. Neither child is your responsibility and yes, you are being used. If you had to foster, it leads me to think these parents are not the best and being used is to the children's benefit.

I do think you have to be careful not to exclude the younger girl. When you say no, do it equally (both girls).

Another solution is you could offer one night with the 4 year old one day and one night with the 2 year old another day, if the issue is not wanting 2 kids. This is totally understandable. Many people enjoy one-on-one time vs. dealing with siblings fighting or playing loud.

Who knows, one day they could be removed from the parents and need to be taken as a package deal.

These children are siblings and you would be doing something very unfair to cherish and take one but not the other. They are both your nieces!! Just because you haven't had the chance to build that relationship, doesn't mean you CAN'T.

Example: When my first daughter was born, my parents still lived here. They built a wonderful relationship with her. When she was three, they retired and moved south, but that relationship has continued to be solid and she is now 8. My second child, who is almost 3...well, because they live so far away, they've only seen her about 5 times in her life (for maybe two weeks at a time), so of course they haven't developed the same relationship. But do you think, when they come to visit, they say "Oh, we only want to take our oldest granddaughter out! Not the younger one, because we didn't build a great relationship with her!"

That sounds absolutely nuts!

And if you can't handle two children, you can't handle one. Why in the world do you believe you can't handle it? And it is NOT stepping on the 4 year olds toes to bring her younger sister along...don't teach this child to exclude her sibling in loving relationships.

Honestly, I hope you get yourself turned around 180 on this issue.

If you don't want to babysit then just say no, but asking ones sibling to watch your kids for one weekend is hardly taking advantage or asking you to "nanny". But if you decide to say yes and do this favor then you must do it for both, you may be closer to the older child, but they are both your kin. How would you feel if your aunt or grandparent showed obvious favoritism to your sibling over you? Just because you don't know the 2 year old yet does not mean you can not get to know them just as well as you do the older child.

The parents are right to not allow the older child to come without the younger one, it is not "stepping on her toes" to show her younger sibling the love and respect she deserves. This is your chance to build a real relationship with the second child, and if you can handle one child trust me, you can handle two. It is not that much harder to watch one extra child for one night.

I think the kids come as a package deal. If you want to spend time with your older niece, be prepared that her little sister comes too. It's likely that having the siblings together would be beneficial for both of the children, esp. the little one, as she will have an automatic sense of safety and familiarity if her big sister is there, trusting and happy.

You could say no, too. No one is saying you have to do this. It might be a great way to build a relationship with the little one, too. If you really feel like you are not up for both of the kids, I would respond in that way to their parents: "You know, we just aren't up for a young child and a toddler. Thanks for thinking of us." and let it go at that. Don't bring the 'we have a relationship with the older one but not your little one' into it.

What is best for the children? I suspect they both need the positive influence you and your husband have to give. I also wonder why you feel you can't handle 2 children. Open your heart to loving both of them, then decide how much time you are willing to devote to the little ones and set your limits. Say both for 4 hours on a Saturday or overnight one time a month.

There should be no difference made between the two sisters.

First kuddos to you for being a foster parent. It was a heroic gift you gave the 4 yr old by openning your hearts and home to her. This is tough one. I worry what the impact will be on the 2 yr old of having her sister leave frequently without her. How about waiting to do sleepovers until both are old enough? Maybe just have regular playdates so you can include both.

I'm not sure how you know you can't handle the two children if you have not tried it. I can't see how you would only want to take the younger one.

You mention nanny duties. I can't tell if you are being paid to babysit on the weekends. Are you? Please update your post to include that. The answer to that colors the answers overall, quite frankly.

I think that if you have a wonderful relationship with the 4 year old why not share that love with the 2 year old? you don't have the relationship with the younger one because you don't take her as often. give it a try. and if you feel your being taken advantage of then only take them on your terms. it will not be good for the 4 year old to have the set of parents she can use to drive a wedge with her own parents and or siblings. she will use that later to hurt the younger siblings