My Visually Impaired Son Is Getting Upset Because I Treat Him Differently.

Updated on April 11, 2007
L.R. asks from Crossville, TN
5 answers

My oldest son (16) is getting upset with me because he thinks I am being unfair to him because I treat him differently then his brothers. He has a macular degeneration and is losing his central vision so he cannot see small objects that are right in front of him. He's never given me a problem about his drivers license (he can't get them by law) but now he's starting to understand the things he can't do.
The latest is a BB gun. I bought his brother (15) one for his birthday a couple weeks ago and now Stephen wants one. I told him that I didn't think it was a very good idea since he can't see the BB's too well and he said, "That's why I like the brass ones, I can see those."
This is a progressive visual disease so he's gradually losing his vision at the rate of about 10 feet per year (he's right at 20/160 now). I just don't feel that it's a smart move to put a BB gun into the hands of a kid who's legally blind but he's very hurt right now and angry with me.
I don't stop him from doing much...no skateboards because he can't see the rocks, no driving 4 wheelers or any motorized bikes. I do let him ride his 15 speed bike and I try to let him do everything he's comfortable with doing but this is our first major difference and I'm unsure how to handle it without making him feel terrible.
I don't let him use his blindess as an excuse for failure and I think in doing so, he doesn't think his blindness stops him from doing anything at all he wants too. He still washes dishes, does his own laundry at school (he goes to a blind school), etc. The school and I teach total independence but it's backfiring on me about this.
I can see his point yes but how do I get him to understand why it's not a good idea without hurting his feelings? There are going to be more and more problems arise like this as the 15 y/o brother is maturing and doing things that Stephen can't. Does anyone have any idea how I can get Stephen to understand this on his own without me outright saying, "Blind people and guns isn't a bright idea."? All I've said so far is, "I don't think it's a good idea." but he's still begging for one.
Thanks for any help.

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P.D.

answers from Clarksville on

It would be hard to decide but here's why i wouldn't let him 1 the risk of injury to himself and others is too great and 2 some bb guns are high powered enough to lodge a bb in a person's skull. I know this fom personal experience. My younger brother's best friend was shot in the head w/ bb gun the bb is still there just above his left eye. if he won't listen to you maybe u couuld have ur local sheriff's office talk to him about the dangers of all guns.

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A.S.

answers from Memphis on

Like Leah, I'm wondering if it would be alright for him to shoot under supervision. Has his brother already let him shoot the BB gun? There are ways to make it safer and easier for him. The brass BBs, getting (or making) brightly colored large targets, and only let him shoot at the large targets against a solid backgroud, such as the side of a barn or a shed. Most injuries cause by carelessness (or sometimes mean-ness) are minor. My brother shot me in the leg with a BB gun from about 5 feet away (we'd been shooting at a target that was about 15 feet away) and it just bruised a little.

I believe that if you teach your children limitations, they limit themselves and never work out other ways to do something. Modification is key - your son has visual limitations, but if you can find a way for him to still enjoy some of life's adventures, such as shooting, it will help keep him from being resentful. (My idea for letting him drive is see if you can find a go-kart track that has bright colors marking the edge of the track. It's not a car, but at least it's something, and it's fairly safe. A friend of mine did this and loved it!)

I've had friends with physical or mental handicaps, and I have been inspired by the parents and the friends themselves for finding ways to experience things that they might otherwise miss out on if they'd said, "I can't do that because I'm ___." Instead they said, "I want to do this! How can I do this while taking my handicap into consideration?"

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A.H.

answers from Memphis on

Who is your ophthalmologist/retina specialist?

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L.W.

answers from Birmingham on

Hmm..this is a tough one. Is it an option to agree to let him have the BB gun as long as he agrees to use it only under supervision? That way you could be there to make sure everyone is out of the way, and that he isn't going to harm himself. When you lose one sence, the others get a lot stronger, and if someone took the time to show him by touch how to load, fire, ect...I don't know. I honestly don't think that you'll come to an agreement on this one. He's 16. He may understand perfectly, but think it's unfair, which in all reality, it is! Not on your behalf of course, but it's so unfair that some children are born perfectly healthy and their siblings are not. Bottom line, you're the mom. As much as we like to have our kids understanding, we can't always have it. You have to do what you have to do in order to keep him and everyone else in your family safe.

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L.L.

answers from Nashville on

Well, to be perfectly honest, he's 16, he's old enough to understand the "why?" of why he should not have a gun, BB or otherwise. Sit him down and tell him like it is. There is no sense beating around the bush. He knows he is visually impaired, tell him that BB's don't have a 10 foot range, that he could accidently shoot an animal, a sibling, a neighbor, etc. These things could happen if he weren't visually impaired, they can sure happen since he is. I have a friend that is one of 5 boys and every one of them is legally blind due to macular degeneration. He knows his limits, and yes, sometimes he is still frustrated by them but at some point you must face facts. I think the only thing you can do is sit him down and just explain it to him. It's not about him, it's about the other people that he might not see that could potentially get hurt.

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