My Three Yr Old Boy Doesnt Want to Stay with Grandparents

This is not as far-fetched as folk may think. While it is not PC to be racist in today's society, that makes race even more of an issue than in previous decades. Not all people are open to mixed marriage and of the off spring from them. I would be glad to know how the grandparents feel and thus act accordingly in regards to my child.

If he doesn't want to, then don't do that anymore.
Not every kid stays with grandparents.
Go for day visits (you and him together) and leave it at that.

If his grandparents are making racist comments to him, then he should be kept away from them.

That would be enough for me to not leave him with them, sorry.

Please don't send him over there. They make him feel bad about himself. When they start asking why you aren't sending him, tell them that your son is upset with them for talking about his color and that he doesn't want to go, and that you won't make him.

When they can agree to stop doing this, then invite them over to your place and stay with your son while they visit. That way you know they aren't doing this anymore.

My kids are mixed too. They get comments and then come to me and talk about it. One of my boys is very dark and one is as white as me. Genetics are a funny thing. And we TALK about it.
I would also have a talk with the grandparents. Not accusitory (spelling?), but just ask about what conversations are being had in the house. They may think they are saying nothing hurtful (I can't tell you how many times I hear, "Mixed children are so beautiful" or "his skin color is lovely!) and while people may THINK they are being nice, it actually can be confusing for a child. NOT if you talk about it though!
So start talking.

Maybe your 3 yr old is a better judge of character than you? Why stay with judgy people who don't like you?

If his grandparents keep talking about his skin color, they are not appropriate people to have him stay with. If this is a formal custody/visitation issue go back to court and ask for supervised visitation, or none at all, with these grandparents. If this is not a court-ordered visitation, stop sending him to them.

You haven't which set of grandparents are the rude ones. I probably would hold off on visits unless I went along.

As for being mixed it shouldn't be a problem in this country but it still is. So it might be best to get some books and read them together and to do things that makes him feel proud of who he is. Reassure him that he is fine and prepare him for the future. Get him in with people who will help him understand the what he will experience in life and make it positive.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

the other S.

Must he stay with them? Are they legally entitled to some visitation, or do you use them for day care so you can work (and you can't afford other day care options)?

If yes, then, you need to sit down with them, perhaps with a third party like a counselor or lawyer or clergy member, and have a discussion and come to some agreements that are in everyone's best interest, particularly this little boy.

How do you hear these criticisms? Is your little boy able to say that Grandma says you don't feed me right? Or do you hear this from another family member?

If these are just visits to Grandma's house for fun, then stop them if your child doesn't want to go and he comes home unhappy.

And if he has questions about race or skin color, discuss them honestly and fairly and with love. If he has comments that indicate he's learning inappropriate things or hearing insulting or disparaging words, then talk with the adults and remove him from the situation.

Your title says he doesn't want to go, but nothing in your very short post says that. So, not sure if he doesn't want to go and if that is the case, why he says he doesn't want to go. If it's because comments are being made about you in front of him, you should call the grandparents and let them know that it is causing a problem and ask them to save their comments for discussion after he leaves. Then, tell him not to worry; grandma and grandpa may do things differently, but that's okay and we have to forgive them if they say unkind things. They are old and even though they should, they just don't know any better. And then tell him if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to. If he does go and there is another incident of them talking about you in front of him, then no more visits. Period. Give them a chance first.

I will say I know how you feel about the skin color comments. I have mixed grandchildren and one GD in particular has a granny who is very prejudice. She really has no fondness for white people AT ALL. We all know that and we could really care less. I don't love her and want a relationship with her; I love my granddaughter and that's who I want the relationship with so I could really care less what granny says/thinks/does/feels. She doesn't keep me from my granddaughter (she has guardianship); that's all I care about.

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By all means, can you not go with him and assess the situation yourself? I would find it very hard to have a toddler/preschooler go and come back and report how a visit went. Kids can act differently when they come home from visits or even daycare. But if you have concerns, either go with him and address the concerns head on, or don't send him. You're the mom.

is it a distance? is that why he stays there? can you go with him and observe the situation yourself instead of putting the onus on your 3 year old? Forgive any negative tone but based on your posting...this seems like it's being treated as an and/or situation when there have to be some alternatives.

Then you don't send him until he is better able to articulate what is going on, or you have a very firm idea of what your parents are saying to him. You say they "make a big difference" so does that mean they comment about it all the time and object to interracial relationships?

You can either confront them, or you can wait until they ask, and say that he comes home very uncomfortable with a lot of questions about race and skin color, so you think it's better not to have them get together.

Meantime I would get some good books out of the library that either discuss interracial families, or just depict them going about daily life and having fun adventures. Ask the librarian - there are tons of books on "all kinds of families" that includes racial, ethnic, religious, sexual orientation, adoption, disabilities and many other things. Let him see that it's normal and common. I do think you have to mention the obvious to him - there is a difference in your colors, even though of course you don't think there's a difference in superiority or desirability.

We need way more information.

If he's acting cold when he comes home he may be in emotional shock. Who are these grandparents that they act this way toward their own grandchild? I'm assuming they are your parents and therefore you know how they are and what they believe.

Do you not have someone else that can care for your child? If you do you need to get him there, assuming it's better. Does he go there to visit? Don't let him visit without you.

Obviously if there is a continuous negative change in his behavior after being subjected to them he needs to stop seeing them. If they are angry that he is bi-racial they need to get over it and NOW. He is already here and their grandchild. And if they are that upset about it that they are abusive to him then they need to stay away from him. Why are they punishing him for being born. If you want to protect your son, you need to have a long talk with them and get it straight with them that you will not tolerate anything negative from them. If they cannot agree to a set of standards and that they will uphold them then you must walk away from them. This is about the child, not them, not you, but the child, and so everyone needs to come together in peace and put down their useless old thinking. He should not grow up believing something is wrong with him, no one should. And if he does, he'll never be comfortable with himself, he'll always thinks something is wrong with his own being, which only causes pain and fear and pain and fear causes acts of negativity.

Were your parents negative with you or abusive towards you as you were growing up? Only you know how they were and how they can be. So you need to decide and do something important and positive for your child and yourself.

Sending the best for you and your little boy

Don't "MAKE" him go. Why would you send him when he isn't welcome?