My Theory on My Husband

You have a lot of clarity about your husband.

How long have you been married?
I think it is good that you know where you both are in your marriage and with the current parenting.

I am concerned about him feeling free to call you names.. That needs to be discussed and explain that you do not deserve that. He can be angry and frustrated, but calling you names is not good and you will no longer stand for it.. Let him know his language and tone need to be more appropriate for your child.

My husband will be yelling and I will say, stop yelling and he will answer "I AM NOT YELLING!" I just stop and look at him.. Our daughter will just laugh at him.. Then we will say, can you not use that loud tone then? He realizes he is yelling.

I am still after almost 30 years, trying to break my husband of his "Doom, Doom, Doom" attitude.. He always thinks the worst is about to happen.. Or nothing will change.. He sounds like a grumpy old man.. We grumble and mumble so he will realize how silly he sounds..Just let him know it is all going to be ok..

The other thing is that when many men become fathers, they do not react the way women do.. Imagine that? They do not know instinctively what infants or babies want or need.. In fact it can freak the hell out of them.. Especially if they have never cared for a child.. An infant is a crying helpless being and men like control.. They cannot control an infant. Be understanding of that.. It can change your perspective..

It begins to change after a while, with a partners help. If you will ask him to help YOU, he can handle that easier.. "Honey, I have not had a pedicure in months and I am scratching the floors with my claws and sanding the furniture with my cracked heels.. (hee, hee) . Take care of the baby for 2 hours and I will be back to take over".. Then let him do it, HIS WAY..
When he comes home hand him baby and say, "I am cooking big ole steaks, so feed baby his bottle and here is your bottle of beer."

When your husband is outside working on something.. take the baby swing out next to him and place the baby out there with him to watch.. You can even leave the monitor next to baby so you can still hear..

You just have to give him the opportunity.. He is not going to volunteer on his own.. He is not wired that way..

I know we all think men are like us and will WANT to spend all of their time with their infants, but most men have no experiences and have no idea what needs o be done. This is new to them and totally out of their comfort zones..

You MUST buy the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (you can find it at Goodwill also). I'm not a SAHM, but this book really is written for you. It will open your eyes about men and help your marriage. I don't agree with everything she says, but it really makes sense and if you make some changes, I think you can save your marriage. Good luck!!!

Well as a fellow Stay at home mom, let me tell you, I do the lions share of the childcare!! I do a lot of the things Laurie A suggested actually. If Daddy is working in the kitchen(he works at home some days) I might pass by the kitchen with kids and say "Oh look at Daddy working hard and making our money!!! Yeah for Daddy!!" Even with the baby, who is 10 months, he gets all excited and claps his lil hands for Daddy. My three year old is quick to tell anybody and everybody that Daddy makes lots of money for us, it's very cute:D Some days my husband works late, pops in the house for dinner and is out the door again off to martial arts...that is twice a week. Yeah those days are hard....but you know, I look at is as if he is getting what he needs to be physically fit, then I support him. If he is a happier person he is a better husband and father. I see my role as his wife to care for him and think of ways to make life easier for him. I leave the job of caring for me to him. Sometimes it is hard to wait for the other person to do what you think is right or to do what you need, but I still think to myself, my job is still my job. You know he has now seen to it that I have a personal trainer and gym membership and actually spends a lot more on my health than his martial arts costs, I just let him come to that realization on his own. And it is a big thing that we don't have to juggle making money and fighting out in the workforce all day, that is a huge burden lifted. I have a three year old and a 10 month old and there are some days I think daycare and a full time job would be just the thing!! But then I remember that often the things that seem so small are really changing the world. I like the idea of just being around him with the baby. I do that a lot and it helps my husband catch some of the special moments, like when the baby learned to clap or when my older son is zipping around the house in a towel attached to his shirt with a chip clip being Superman. When he sees this stuff, his heart is drawn back into our home and out of his hectic day elsewhere. Also, I asked him for this one thing, I told him that whatever he needed was fine but I just wanted to eat together every night and that if we could do that I would see to that a dinner was there to eat as a family. We make that a point and have lots of great time and laughs around our table. Anyway, sorry to just go on and on but give him time. Don't worry if he doesn't play with the baby a lot, in the end a father and a mother's role are different and you have to give him space to find his way. If he gets grumpy about things, just try to give him space, or you know have a fight if need be, but don't think that means he isn't all in, I think he is just struggling but will come through. Hang in there, I know when anyone in the fam is down, the who fam has a hard time....love him through it. I am reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and it is an eye opener. You might want to check it out..Take care girl!!!!

"Having a baby changes everything." That commercial is so true.

Many men are scared of hurting babies and only start playing with them when they are older. I heard this from dozens of moms with older kids and many grandmothers said back in their day, no one expected the man to do anything with a young baby or child.

I would NOT make any major decisions about divorce during this time.

He might be jealous of your son, that can happen. He knows it's wrong, wont admit it, but hates the time you spend with the baby that he feels would be spent with him. A year is a long time for him "not to come around" and start being a partner in raising your child.
What's his relationship like with his own parents? You might see some reasons for his behavior stemming from his own upbringing.
Yep, none of us want to be loving to a man that is mean and not on board at least a little bit with our children, so there's nothing wrong about being pissed off and discouraged about it.
You might need to have a stern talk with him and ask him if his future has you and your child in it, because if he doesnt shape up and show the love you can change that in a heart beat. Sometimes you hafta scare them for them to "get it".
He also may be one of those dads that as soon as your son is out of diapers and talking you will see a HUGE change in Dad's behavior. It's like a whole new relationship happens..... so there is hope... and I bet that might be what it is. The talking down to you part needs to go tho, I see no warrant for that.... Does his dad treat his mom bad?
I'm sure you know what triggers his temper, maybe a different approach on your end would eliminate some of the flare ups. I'm just guessing.

Read "The proper care and Feeding of Husbands" I don't love everything that Dr. Laura says, but I can tell you that she understands men and how they tick, and if you do what she says to do, you will improve your relationship and your understanding of your husband. Give it a try. You can stamp your feet and be "right" but, would you rather be right, or be happy? I have never been happier since I read it, and did what she said.

M.

I agree that the temper and the language would be a huge turn off for me, also. This is an area where he should mature in. About the baby, I think that you should do what needs to be done joyfully. I used to keep score on who did what with the baby: baths, diapers, picked up when crying, etc. One day I stopped counting. I just did it. And, I did it joyfully, hoping to bless my hard-working husband. If I needed help with something, I would respectfully ask if he had a minute to help me while I got dinner on the table or something like that. But, if it was just a quick diaper change, I just did it. I found that I loved that time with my baby when I stopped worrying so much about "my rights." My goal is to bless my family by serving them. I prepare yummy, healthy meals, I do their laundry and iron it, I try to keep the house tidy. I do require that my children help in all areas. But, I don't expect my husband to. And, I am not offended by that like I once might have been. When we stop worrying so much about everything being fair and equal, there is much more peace in the house. My husband is up very early every morning, out working to provide richly for us. He is never lazy in his job, He takes care of the outside details at home (usually by assigning one of our teenaged sons to do whatever needs to be done). He disciples the children (Yes, disciples. He also disciplines.). By my giving up my agenda I have gained so much. We have more peace, joy, thoughtfulness, contentment. Don't strive against your husband. Be thankful for him. Perhaps if you can change the way you interact with him and your expectations of him, he may just surprise you and start treating you better also. Best wishes to you!

Just wanted to say that neither one of you are trying to stand in the other's shoes. I stayed at home the first year and my husband thought I had it easy. He didn't help with anything when he used to do 50% of the housework. He decided that I was at home doing nothing and should do 100% of the work. I resented him and thought he had it easy, going to work and having an escape.

Well the best thing I did for our relationship was go back to work. We work opposite each other so he was forced to take care of our daughter. (only had one at the time but now we have 2 kiddos) It opened up both of our eyes big time. He realized how much work I did and apologized for misunderstanding. I realized how much more exhausting it is to work and then come home and raise a family and attempt to clean. I have not a drop of energy left over for me.

Anyway, I'm not saying that you need to do something drastic like go back to work, but maybe on his day off you should take a day off and let him see how much work you do. You should also be sympathetic that your husband takes on the daily stresses and pressures of work and when he gets home all he wants to do is unwind, not more work with his child. You both need to unwind and relax and you need to find a way to allow each other to do so.

Talk to your husband and come up with a plan that works for both of you. I feel so mich closer to my husband now that he helps with the kiddos and our relationship has improved big time.

I wish you the best of luck!!! No one ever tells you exactly how much work it is to balance life!!!!

huh. although my situation is a little different-- there are some similarities.

my husband is a wonderful man; kind, gentle, funny, hard-working. But after we had our first daughter, it was really hard. He became critical, demanding, and often mean the way he would talk to me. this went on for more than a year and i was very very sad about it (even thought briefly of leaving). well, finally one night i broke down in tears and asked him-- "how would you feel if one day you heard our daughter's husband talking to her like you just talked to me?" that stopped him dead in his tracks. then i added "my father is no longer here (he passed away the day my daughter was born) but it is probably breaking his heart to hear you talk to me this way (from heaven)." and that did it. i got my husband back. slowly he changed. he would catch himself when he started to criticize or speak harshly. i think it had a lot to do w sleep deprivation-- our daughter was a BAD sleeper and he was very active in her care and therefore, very tired. and also stress; he took the having a child thing very seriously :) and, ok this sounds a little dumb, but i started to make a conscience effort to be nice to him again. getting him a glass of water when i got myself one, picking up a book for him i knew he;d like at the store, etc. the stuff i used to do before kids -- i was tired too :) he noticed and started doing nice things for me, and .. things got better :)

we now have 2 little girls and life is good.

so maybe tape him so he can hear/see how he sounds? ask him if this is how he wants his son to act towards his wife in the future- because he will model what he sees, etc...

good luck-- having a baby can be a BIG change and many couples struggle through it to get to the good place again. i hope you can, too

Do you think he just doesn't get how much work having a baby is? We have 2 kids, and my husband is so much better. But there are times when he just forgets how much work it is. What helps me is to be very specific with what I need. I ask him to change the diaper or load the dishwasher. Sometimes I give him a choice when things are crazy like, "I could really use your help right now. Do you want to put the clothes in the dryer or start their baths."

Also, I need some time to myself. Often, if I get an evening or afternoon to myself, he will have a much better attitude for a few weeks because he had a small taste of what I do everyday.

Try to remember that this is a huge adjustment for any marriage. Things really might get better with a little more time.

I would turn this around from spending time with the baby is helping me, etc to telling him what a difference he could make in this baby's life , show him research about the difference an involved father makes in his son/daughters life. Bonding with the child when they're young etc really stress the great father he could be and maybe make him proud of what a great father he is whenever he plays with the baby -even for a short while say oh wow he/ she really loves playing with you! Look at his little eyes light up!" "I think he said DA Da today and was looking for you" Never criticize if he puts the diaper on wrong or something. Just go on and on about how lucky little ------ is to have such a great father and how much he or she loves his daddy and only Daddy can make him/her laugh like that! It will be the best thing for your child and if he becomes a great dad you will probably think wow how sexy is that!

I'm sure when you were first dating your hubby he brought you flowers and opened doors for you. He took you to nice places so you'd be impressed. He needs to know that changing a diaper is the same thing. Helping with the baby is a GIFT to you. My hubby was awful about helping out...still is sometimes.... but he never spoke to me badly. If your hubby doesn't want to be involved then he also gives up his right to criticize you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need a break from your baby when he gets home from work.

Have you totaled the number of hours you're taking care of the baby (24 hrs/day minus naps) plus housekeeping, cooking etc compared to the number of hours he works at his job? If not, put it in writing so he can see it visually.
It's possible that he will get more into the baby when the baby is older, men often like kids when they're older and can interact more, and are more self-sufficient. But in the meantime I would not have another baby unless you're willing to take care of them both alone for possibly an extended period of time.
Regarding talking to you horribly, you have to draw the line and not let him treat you badly (I don't mean to say it's your fault, it isn't!. Over time, you will think that you deserve it and your self-esteem will drop. Some people will just keep pushing until told to stop. He needs to figure out why he does that, is he angry? jealous of the baby and the attention you give the baby?
You have to find a way to take back some of the power in this relationship - have you talked to the therapist about that?

Wow. I almost feel like I am writing this. Our baby is now 5 and things are still the same. I always have to ask if I want something done. I work full time so it's even harder to get everything done. I seem to also get stuck with the kids alot on the weekends... Running errands and whatnot. And a couple times a week when he decides to run off and play video games with the neighbor. I'm interested in seeing what kind of feedback you get!