My Ten Year Old Daughter Lied and Munipulating Help

Things are already way out of control. You knew she was scheming and not doing homework, but she learned that she could get away with it. Of course there are times when she's "good" and she "tries", that's her way of manipulating you so you'll allow her the freedom to go back to her old ways. You said grounding her doesn't work? Does the she tries and does well times coincide with the disipline?

IMO.. it's time for extreme measures. Absolutely, no more social butterfly, no more social anything.
1. You take away everything, tv, cell phone, house phone, social events, computer time, etc.
2. If she stole something, she returns it with both a written note and a verbal appology. If the item is gone, she works, does special chores, to earn the money to replace it.
3. You find out ALL the homework assignments she has missed. She will spend her weekends doing ALL of them. Week nights are reserved for current homework.
4. Work with the teacher. Each day find out what her homework is, and she will need to show you the completed assignments every evening.
5. No notes home. You and the teacher should be in contact with each other via e-mail or phone.

As her behavior changes, she earns back priveledges.

What has gone on in her life, to make her behavior so extreme? Bad/absent father? Bad friends? A traumatic past? No discipline? It sounds like she is screaming for attention, here. There are issues, that might need to be addressed with counseling.

Other then that. I 100% agree with everything Momof2girls had to say.

o how fun, thankfully, i'm a young stepmom with older step daughter's (14, 13 and 24-i'm 27) i stepped in the picture when my 2 younger step daughter's were 10 and 11??, well, at 12 and 13 my older step daughter, rebelled BIG TIME, throwing her homework in her locker telling mom she had none, calling her sister EVERYWHERE a beeach yelling at mom, tried that with my husband and i....VERY angry, we know why but it's personal, she remained that way for an entire school year. mom held her back, and what her dad and i did was COMPLETE iscolation. when we had them she had to go straight to her room which had nothing but her bed, she refused to bring her school books and home work out, so i went online at work and printed my own homework on her level, she tried to tell me she hadn't gone over that in class (which was all the time-i knew better, she just wanted out of it), i showed her (being better at math in my family) and still made her do it, her break from the bed room was chores inside when family was outside, and outside when family was inside, only after my husband told me what he wanted her doing i made sure it was followed through with, because she wanted the attention from her dad NOT me, so eventually he went in and talked to her, he told her that as long as she keeps it up, she will not see him but for dinner on saturday nights and at church.

well, she's now a straight A student, brings her books out when she has a c so she can bring her grades up, asks for help and well, and told us many times, that she ABSOLUTELY hated not being a part of the family for movie/play time or even doing chores in the back yard with me or her dad while her sister swam, etc. eventually because she threw a fit one day i broke down and told her, if she still was having problems, she needs to step up and talk to someone about it, or shut up and do right...well, i guess not feeling sorry for her anymore (at least dad and i) worked because she don't look for that kind of attention any more

sorry so long...moral of the story, find out what she's angry about, dont' feel sorry for her if she refuses to talk and start cracking down.

some say i'm MEAN and an evil step mom, but ask my step daughter's and my own daughter, yes they HATE it when i am in dicipline mode most kids i know do because i can get HARD AS HELL to deal with. but do right and we can all play and have fun

update based on your update, i think you're confused that you have no control over school............YES YOU DO! you can still punish her at home for what goes on at school, maybe have the teacher send a daily log of her attitude, and start cracking down e-mail me if you wish for ideas.

I have been having similar problems with my 9 yr old daughter! It is so frustrating!!!! One thing though that has helped tremendously is that her teachers at school are keeping me informed of EVERYTHING! I got an email one day letting me know about an incident- I confronted my daughter about it. I have received phone calls also letting me know about other things. She had to go talk to the principal about being honest and had a note sent home that I had to sign.
I had to physically walk her into school to have her apologize personally to her teachers and others that she had lied to. She didn't like that- but I think it sunk in a little more.
It is so frustrating because she feels worse about getting caught rather than actually lying about it!
Now we are at the point where I go over all her homework when she gets home- make sure that she finishes it. I go over all her work that comes home on Fridays and we go over everything she has gotten wrong(I make her do it over with me so I know that she understands the concepts) I talk with her teachers to make sure she is doing what she is supposed to and have asked them to contact me if she lies or tries to be sneaky about anything else.
It's a pain in the butt! But, it does seem to be helping. I have also changed my language around her. Instead of asking "Did you do this?" I don't give her an out and I just ask "Why did you do this?" or "you did this so you need to make it right." (There was gum on the ceiling of my van- I didn't see her do it, but I know her brothers didn't do it. I didn't give her the option of lying, I told her to clean it up and it was gross and something we don't do. And the next time- she won't be allowed to have any more gum)
Good luck! It is an on-going process. Maybe someday they will realize how important honesty really is!
~C.

This is a big problem and how frustrating. Uggh - kids always seem to find the loops in a loop hole! The best thing you can do is align with the teacher and keep up that communication. If your daughter thinks that you don't trust the teacher, she will roll with that. If it is possible, do visit her in class and observe what is going on in the classroom.
There is part of this that is "normal" for a 9 year old - friendships being important. But she is letting this take over and doesn't know how to shut it off for her own interests.
Is she struggling with school? She may have a learning disability and avoiding the work is a way to deal with it. Lying and being sneaky is a way to avoid be found out.
I like the idea of her earning rewards for staying more on track and being better organized. (vs only taking away privileges)
She is doing a lot of things to get in trouble (very obvious things like taking the clothes off a teacher's desk) so she seems to want to get caught?? Talking to a counselor might help. Best of luck