My Son Won't Turn off His Lights at Night...

I have the same prob with my 10 yr. old son, so am responding as that is the only way I know to get to see others responses.

S.,

I've worked with children for many years, today I'm a parent coach helping parents like you examine issues is a different way. While the music being loud and waking you must be address, I would like you to think about 2 things:

1) If your sons are sleeping through the night and the light provides comfort/security, why does the light being on bother you? Often, we as adults set "the way it should be" rules, because that's the world we live in, but our children don’t follow those same “should be” rules.

If the cost worries you, make sure you install energy efficient bulb or a timer on the light.

2) Children have strong imaginations, especially boys. Your sons may just be scared due to their own imaginations. Another idea is around this age, 9, boys start to play the "who's ___ stronger, braver, smarter" game. Is it possible they are scaring each other either before bed or during the day with stories and then too scared to sleep in the dark.

As for the music issue, I suggest you draw a line on the volume dial and tell the boys they are not allowed to turn the volume up more than that, because the music wakes you at night. If they still turn it up loud, calmly remove the stereo for a while.

I hope this helps you. I’ve learned over the years to look at issues with the children I’ve worked with in a different way, and by doing so, I normally find an answer.

R. Magby

They may never get over it. My brother-in-law still has to have the hallway light on at night and he is 34.

Hi S., I also have twins, though much younger, but I have been reading about sleep issues with twins and I do have friends with twins who have a similar problem. Theirs just don't want to go to sleep and will play and have the lights on, etc., no matter what time of night. They will make any excuse as well to have them on so my friend ends up taking out the lightbulb on the ceiling light eventually so they only have the night-lights. Anyway, I've read that often twins have sleep issues in that they will play, etc., and egg each other on at night when they are supposed to be sleeping. A lot of advice I've read says you should separate them at night when it's bedtime. In one case study, for example, they only had one bedroom for the boys so they ended up putting one twin to bed in the parents' bed and the other in his own bed and they would carry the other twin back to his own bed when he was asleep. Can you try something like this? Or do you have a spare bedroom so you can give each boy their own room? It sounds like they are trying anything to stay up at night! I know my singleton son has a million excuses for why he can't turn off the light, etc. or why he wants his music on at night (we only allow music at quiet/nap time) and it can be very trying... and he's only two and a half!

I dident see this in your post, but have you asked them why they are turning on the lights and especially turning up the music? If the music helps drown out house sounds, you may want to invest in a white-noise maker. I have one in my daughters room and mine, for when we lived in an apartment and were surrounded by sounds from others. It works really well at covering sounds without adding stimulation that music can. As for the light, my daugther(9) begs for the hall light every night, so I leave it on and sometimes I wake up and turn it off, and sometimes it is just on all night. I use an energy effecient bulb, so no big deal. Most importantly we both sleep thru the night. I would try to talk them into another source of light that is not so bright, as our brains need things to be darker to get good sleep. Good luck to you.

change the bulbs in their lamps to 10 watts or just take lamps out of room. Tell them if they turn the music up again they will lose it radio for a week.

A cheap solution - buy them flashlights so they can read books under the covers. (the kind where you have to hold the button down so when they fall asleep they turn off)

The more expensive solution- twilight turtles they project stars onto ceiling and light up room in a soft light that is easy to fall asleep to but feels bright 29.99

I would let your boys have a light on at night if it helps them sleep, although make it a softer light, not harsh.

As far as the music goes I would insist on the level you are comfortable with for your sleep. They need to respect your needs too.

You might do some fun things with them that involve a dark room like turn off the lights while they are sitting on both sides of you and read an unscary story by a flashlight or have them cuddle next to you in a dark room and talk with them about their day. Don't do these things if they freak out just if it seems comfortable with them.

You are the parent set the rules & make your sons follow the rules. Why would you want to have the brightest or all of the lights turneded off, because money is tight & electricity costs money. Why would you want to have the radio turned low or off, because again electricity costs money & it's a safety hazard. If someone broke their window & came in & kidnapped your sons you wouldn't be able to hear it. Plus you need to sleep too & maybe your neighbors don't appreciate it. Give them your rules & the reasons behind yoru rules, they don't have to agree with them, they just have to follow them because you are the parent. Be consistent that is the hardest part not to give in because it's easier, don't be lazy, parenting is the hardest work. No, they won't grow out of it.

I do like the idea of timers & energy effient bulbs (CFL's) for the lamps & setting a line for the volume. If they turn it up past the line simlpy take the music out of the room until they can earn it back.

This isn't a battle worth fighting. Some people for whatever reason can't fall asleep in the dark. The noise/music is a disturbance for you and others in the house and the boys are old enough to understand this, or should be understanding. To help them and you, I suggest getting them headphones, earbuds to wear so they can listen to their music without everyone else having to. Also, see if there is a sleep mode on their mp3/music player that will turn off at the end of 30 minutes or an hour. You can also do the same thing with a timer on the lamp in their room. Plug the light into the timer that automatically will turn the lights off after a period of time, usually after they have fallen asleep. This way you won't find yourself getting annoyed when you enter their room with lights and music on and they're fast asleep.

Will they outgrow this, probably not. When they're teenagers, they stay up much later, music, lights and phones on, they're texting away, studying with the music playing. Their body clocks are different. They stay up much later, sleep in until 8-9 am... this is why middle schools and high schools are looking at later starts for their school days.

Take care!!

My 4 yo went through that stage earlier in the year. i gave her anight light, but have never encouraged music in the room to go to sleep with. I would take the music out and if need be take the light bulbs out of the fixture at night for a while. Is it a pain to have to put them back in the mornings? yes. But you are the adult and the parent and you have to set the rules and stick to them. if they share a room perhaps you should separate them if possible.

I have a 9 yo granddaughter. Are you sure they're afraid? I suggest that they just want to stay up/awake longer. By 9 kids are good at knowing how to manipulate to get what they want. Parenting them requires firm, consistently enforced rules.

The rule is lights out, music off at a specific time. Night lights and quiet music should be sufficient. Perhaps not classical. Let them choose the music they prefer. Both of my grandchildren (the other one is a boy,6) listen to music that is too full of energy for me to fall asleep but they do fall asleep while it's playing. They also listen to a book on CD some of the time. That gives them something to focus on and think about which should help with fear or anxiety.

Then have specific consequences that they know about ahead of time. Take the bulbs out of the lighting fixture. Remove the music player. That sort of thing.

If you think that they really are frightened or anxious then ask them what they can do to help that you can agree with. Perhaps a light on in the bathroom and their door open a crack. Going to bed earlier and having time to read. Brainstorm with them.

If they keep each other awake then a natural consequence is that they not share a room.

Remember you are in charge. A consistent routine in which you're involved will help no matter the cause. A calm, confident enforcement of bedtime is reasonable and will help allay anxiety or fear if that is involved. When you show that you're confident that all is well and that you expect the lights to be out and the music quiet they will learn to comply.

I have difficulty being consistent and so I empathize with you. With my daughter I tended to expect her to be reasonable and left too much up to her. She could waylay my intentions with appeals to my good nature.