My Son Won't Sleep!

Hi S.

I am sorry he is having such a rough time. My son went through this at about the same age. My ped. recommend giving him something to get attached to such as a stuffed animal or his own pillow. We opted for a small toddler pillow w/dump trucks on it. It worked almost immediately. Try putting him to bed w/his favorite toy and just snuggle it close to him. When he wakes up if he isn't holding the toy put it in his arms. I hope you can find something to work for you (
((HUGS)))

A., SAHM to MIkey (3 on 10/26) & Emily 7 months

Try one rocking him with soft music wrapped in his favorite blanket. First night, 30 min before bed,with each night that follows decrease the time, until it's just him, the blanket, and the music. That worked with my daughter

I didn't write this; a local parenting coach wrote this:

I know that Dr. Ferber is less strict than he used to be about getting kids to sleep. However, his techniques are still very useful for kids that have actually taught themselves to stay up and/or to demand/expect a parent to be with them until they actually fall asleep. Also watch one of the Nanny TV shows for examples of being firm yet loving with setting limits.

Briefly, the basic idea is that you (1) stop paying any attention to your child after their bedtime--no hugs, kisses, stories and no yelling either. Just make believe they are little critters that you are putting back where they belong. and then, if necessary (2) let them cry themselves to sleep. Also, and actually first, develop a bedtime routine and STICK TO IT! Letting them cry is very hard, and against some people's principles. What we did when my daughter was little (she is now 21) was put her to bed with the musical mobile playing. If she was still crying when the music stopped (less than 5 minutes) we would go in to her. This happened very rarely. I felt that a short period of crying was not a trauma and having her go to sleep on her own was a learned response. It worked and we had very few bedtime hassles. If you have further inquiries, contact Marion. I wanted to pass her message on to you.

Good luck,

Marion
Coach and parent
Marion C. Bloch, Psy. D.
____@____.com
www.mayaresources.com

Getting Baby to Sleep Through the Night: All babies will fall asleep eventually. Some just need a little more help than others.
By Barbara Solomon

Pulling Baby out of the Crib
Up to the time he was 10 months old, my son David had always been a good sleeper. Then my family moved into a new house, and all of a sudden, all bets were off. He began waking two, sometimes three times a night. I was sure he was just unsettled by the change and would return to his old ways soon. But after we tried every trick in the book only to suffer more sleepless nights, we caved in. One night when he called out, I scooped him up and brought him into our bed. We all slept soundly, and I was feeling pretty good -- until I spoke with a friend later that morning.

"Don't you know that you've opened a can of worms?" she scolded. "Now you'll never get him back into his crib!"

Picturing endless sleepless nights ahead, I panicked, and it's no wonder. Getting a baby to sleep consistently through the night can seem like the ultimate unattainable goal. But after I spent just a few nights leaving my son in his crib when he cried for me and gently encouraging him -- "You're okay, David, just go back to sleep!" -- from the hallway, he quickly resumed his old sleep habits. And experts say that with some patience and effort, most parents will be able to solve their child's sleeping problems, too.

The Impossible Dream
During the first weeks of life, you can't expect a baby to sleep through the night. In fact, there is no typical sleeping pattern for newborns; the only thing you can count on is that they sleep around the clock for varying periods, ranging from a few minutes to a few hours. So why can't they sleep consistently for long periods? Blame it all on biology. An immature brain is the primary reason.

"People have a genetic timing mechanism in their brain that controls sleep, and it takes time for that mechanism to develop," explains Marc Weissbluth, MD, professor of clinical pediatrics at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine, in Chicago, and author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (Ballantine, 1999). "Think of it like eye color: Babies are born with a genetic predisposition to a certain eye color, but it takes time for that color to be expressed."

A need to feed is another factor. Many experts believe that newborn babies have to eat frequently, particularly breastfed babies: There's no way to tell how much a breastfed baby is eating at each feeding, so breastfeeding mothers may be more likely to fully awaken a stirring baby to feed.

Bottlefed babies, on the other hand, may sleep for longer periods because formula takes longer to digest and leaves baby feeling fuller longer. "But babies who have birth defects and are fed continuously by tube for the first several weeks of life show the same process of sleep maturation as other babies," notes Dr. Weissbluth. He believes that ultimately, "Sleep comes from the brain, not the stomach."

Regardless of studies and experts, until she is at least 6 weeks old, a newborn baby will undoubtedly wake several times during the night. Around the 6-week mark, many babies show subtle signs of organizing their sleep. They may get drowsy at 6 or 7 p.m. and may sleep at night for consecutive blocks of four hours or more.

At about 3 months, most can adhere to a sleep schedule that includes a morning nap, an afternoon nap, and two or more longer blocks of sleep at night. According to a poll of primary caregivers by the National Sleep Foundation (NSF), a nonprofit organization, by 9 months some 70 to 80 percent of babies are sleeping a straight 9 to 12 hours every night.

That's great news -- unless yours is one of the 20 to 30 percent of babies who don't sleep so well. "My son was a horrible sleeper!" recalls Lisa Henahan of Peachtree City, Georgia. "Until he was 15 months, he would sleep for an hour and a half and then wake for an hour -- all night long!"

If your nights sound similar, rest assured, these tips can help parents solve a range of stubborn sleep problems.

Sleep Tight, Baby
To exhausted parents it seems that there are as many sleep issues as there are children. But most babies fall into the following categories:

"My 2-month-old son sleeps all day and is up all night."
A common phenomenon during the early weeks of life, day-night reversals often clear up with a little time and a lot of daylight. Try exposing your baby to bright light or sunshine in the morning hours and keep the lights dim in the evening. It also helps to move your baby to a busy part of the house throughout the day, play with him during the daytime, and wake him for daytime feedings.

Then, keep your interactions with him quiet and subdued at night. As babies approach the age of 6 weeks, they begin to respond more to environmental cues, so it helps to have a bedtime routine such as a bath and a song. It may take several weeks, and a baby this young still probably won't sleep through the night, but he may consolidate his sleep into two large blocks at night.

"My 7-month-old daughter won't sleep through the night. Why?"
From around 6 months on, a baby should be able to make it through the night without a middle-of-the-night feeding and without waking his parents. But that doesn't mean he's sleeping all those hours. The term "sleeping through the night" is misleading, points out Lawrence Balter, PhD, professor of applied psychology at New York University, in New York, and editor of Parenthood in America: An Encyclopedia (ABC-CLIO, 2000). "All people -- including babies -- wake and put themselves back to sleep several times a night without realizing it," he says. "That's something babies need to learn to do."

Some kids learn on their own; others need a little help. There are several ways to teach your baby to soothe himself to sleep. Most of them involve listening to some crying. So how do you stay focused amid the tears? Remember that crying isn't going to harm your baby. And the reward -- a good night's sleep for all -- is worth a few teary nights.

The Ferber Method
"My neighbor has recommended the Ferber method to help my 6-month-old sleep through the night. What is it?"
This method was developed by pediatric sleep expert Richard Ferber, MD, author of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (Simon & Schuster, 1986). He advises parents to check periodically on their baby when she awakens at night. Here's a sketch of how it works: On the first night, when you hear your baby cry, you go in, give her a reassuring pat, and then leave. If she's crying 5 minutes later, you repeat the process, but this time you wait 10 minutes before going in, increasing the time in five-minute increments. The second night, you start at 10 minutes. Dr. Ferber's system has worked for many families.

"We're trying the Ferber method for my 7-month-old, but I can't stand the crying. Is there another, less drastic way to sleep-train my baby?"
There are also ways of making gradual changes within the routine you already have, notes Jodi Mindell, PhD, associate director of the Sleep Disorders Center at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and author of Sleeping Through the Night (HarperCollins, 1997). If you've been putting your baby to sleep by rocking her in a chair, for example, start by just sitting in the chair together. "Then choose the next step -- putting your baby in his crib and holding his hand.

"A few days later, you can sit three feet away from your child's bed," Mindell says. Within a few weeks, you should be able to work yourself out of the bedroom.

"We've tried the Ferber method. My 6-month-old becomes enraged every time we go in to soothe him. Any suggestions?"
Some children respond better to a cold-turkey approach. If your baby cries, you don't go in her room (some parents call reassuringly from the hall). This is not for the faint of heart, and, as Balter points out, is better for younger babies. An 8-month-old may be able to sit or stand in her crib, which makes it hard for her to settle down if her calls aren't answered.

More Sleep Issues
"My 9-month-old insists on a 3 a.m. feeding. How can I get her to give it up?"
For many parents, a final obstacle to an uninterrupted night is that middle-of-the-night feeding. If your baby no longer needs to be fed at night (check with your pediatrician to be sure), simply stop giving him the bottle or breast when he calls for it. Alternatively, you can use a sequence of progressive steps, which might include offering him diluted formula or breast milk for a few nights and then gradually replacing it with water. He may not find it as appealing as milk, and, subsequently, won't cry for it.

"My 10-month-old son used to sleep through the night, but lately he's been waking up all the time."
Chances are, there's been some change, however subtle, in your child's routine. Everything from a vacation to an illness to an overnight guest can disrupt a young child's sleep schedule and cause her to awaken and need comforting. Some parents report that developmental milestones, such as learning to walk or use the potty, can also upset sleep patterns.

"When a child takes a developmental leap forward, neurons are firing and there are probably connections being made in the brain," says Mindell. "It's no wonder their sleep is disrupted." Most babies are also keen on practicing their new skills; when they wake in the night, sleep takes second place to getting up on all fours or babbling.

At times like this, you may need to repeat old steps, such as sitting in your baby's room for a few nights and gradually working your way back out. But don't despair; experts say children with established good sleep patterns will return to them pretty quickly.

"How can I get my 8-month-old to go to sleep at the same time every night?"
If your baby isn't sleepy at the same time every night, her daytime sleep routine may need tweaking. "Make sure to wake her at the same time each morning, keep naptimes consistent, and avoid letting baby nap after 4 p.m. A reasonable bedtime for a baby this age is around 7 or 7:30 p.m. If she wakes from a nap at 5:30, she's not going to be sleepy enough to go to bed then," says Mindell.

One strategy to avoid, however, is shortening her naps in the hope that this will make her sleepier at night. The fact is, overtired children have a hard time falling asleep. And evidence shows that babies aren't getting enough sleep as it is. Many experts recommend that infants ages 3 to 11 months get 14 to 15 hours of sleep daily, but according to the NSF poll, most babies get fewer than 13 hours.

Even if you've succeeded in creating a great sleeper, remember that every child occasionally has wakeful periods. When this happens, reassure yourself that you're not going to be sleepless forever. Says Peggy Nona, a Rochester, Minnesota, mother with two school-age girls, "I used to worry about getting them to bed at night; now I worry about getting them out in the morning!"

Barbara Solomon is a mother of three and a writer in Scarsdale, New York.

Originally published in American Baby magazine, July 2004.

This may sound crazy put it worked for us. Try putting a shirt that smells like you on his pillow, think pillowcase, and that minimizes any choking/suffocating issues too. since he is used to falling asleep against you this gives some comfort. Everyone told us it was a mistake for me to snuggle our kids to sleep, but snuggle time goes by so quick, I couldn't resist! Good luck!

Have your tried putting him to sleep when he's in that I'm not awake, I'm not alseep phase. Get him to that point like usual and then put him down. This way he starts learning how to put himself to sleep.

I have been in your shoes, only my son never slept well, and we nipped it in the bud when he was 10 months old. We Fereberized him, which is a little nicer than making him cry his head off. The man who invented this method is Dr. Richard Ferber. He is a pediatric sleep doctor based out of Boston Children's Hospital. I never met with him (4 month waiting list), but there is a book he put out. I'll give you a quick synopsis. You put him down, awake but drowsy. Pat him, leave the room. Let him howl for 3 minutes (hopefully, he won't puke). Go back in after 3 minutes and put him back in lying postition, pat his back and leave. Wait another 3 minutes and so on, until he falls asleep. The next night you wait 5 minutes, in the same fashion. Next night 7, next 10, 15, 20. I never had to do more than 10 minutes. The theory is, your baby will learn that you are just on the other side of the door, and not completely abandoning him. Of course, this doesn't work for everyone. And when he teeths or is sick, you might have to start the whole thing over, when he is well again. It really worked for us, and I hope it helps you. I know about sleep deprivation. It takes a toll on your emotions and your relationship. Good luck!

Hi S.! I know what you're going through! My baby is 21 months old and went through the same thing at around that age. He still cries to be rocked from time to time. The thing that I found that works the best is....rock him! Don't listen to the doctors...they don't know your son, you do! Trust your instincts. Your son is going through a period of awakening in his life...discovering that there's a world out there and that he's separate from his mommy. That can be a scary thing. Combine it with teething and increased mobility and you have a recipie for sleeplessness from time to time. Trust me, he WILL eventually learn to fall asleep on his own. I have another son who is 19 years old and I rocked him like this as well. Trust me, he no longer needs to be rocked to sleep..lol! Cherish the snuggle time while you have it...pretty soon you'll have to chase your son down to get a kiss from him. Either that or he'll say "aw mom, not in front of my friends". Snuggle and rock and love to your hearts content and don't let the supposed "experts" tell you how to raise your own blood. You know him best and he's trying to tell you what he needs. Listen to your son and not the strangers in the white coats. Good luck!

Hi S.-
My son was he same way. He would wake up as soon as we would put him down after falling asleep in our arms. I remember feeling the same way you do-thinking I was the only one this was happening to. He was also pretty sick his first year of life, so we had him sleeping in our bed for the latter part of the year. When trying to get him in his crib, he would cry (and it wouldn't take even 10 minutes) and would gag and vomit in his crib. Our solution: he slept in our bed with us at night. He is now almost 2 1/2 and is getting to sleep on his own in his bed in his room with no fussing, granted he gets up from his bed and out of his room a couple to a few times before he manages to fall asleep on his own. Everytime he gets up, i just put him right back in his bed and repeat my goodnight/sweet dreams/kiss and tell him it's bedtime, not playtime. If you don't mind working at it a bit to get him asleep in his own bed when he's a bit older, it may just be better for all of you if he sleeps with you.

We had to do this with my son who is now 7 and does successfully sleep in his own bed now.
First we transitioned to a toddler bed in our room. He was about 18 months. One of those car beds, so I laid with him in the bed (off to the side, not actually in it). He was able to sleep that way ok. I would get up and go in my own bed and most often in the middle of the night he would wake up and just climb in with us. Then when he was very comfortable in that bed, we made a big To Do about moving him into his room. For a while he wouldnt do that, so I set up a sleeping bag on my floor. Not as comfortable as that toddler bed......but still in our room, so he liked that. That lasted a month or two. Then I went back to sitting with him in his room til he was asleep. by the time he was about 3 there was no more visits (unless there was a big storm, and when there was a midnight visit I carried him back to his room til he calmed down to sleep)
Its something you do in stages.......and not forced. I wouldnt say Sleep in your Bed or Else.....I would say , Hey, You made it 4 hours in your bed last night! Great job! ETC.
We even had a reward chart that earned him a trip to Jokers.
Good luck.

Hi S., I used to nurse and rock my son to sleep and then when the nursing stopped, I rocked him. When i decided that this was not good for either one of us, this is what I did. My son was 20 months when I tried this. We had our nightly routine. Story, brush teeth, one song in the rocking chair in his room. I said good night and then put him in his crib. He would scream and scream. I pulled a chair next to his crib and just sat there. I saw this on super Nanny. I didnt talk or touch him. Just sat there. It was very difficult for me. The first night was about 20 minutes and within a weeks time, we got down to 10 min before he would cry himself to sleep. In less than 2 weeks time I could put him to bed, say good night and walk out of the room. You know there are still times when he might wake during the night and I do have to go in, but it is easier to get him to bed now that he doesnt completely rely on me. He has been sleeping through the night since February. Good luck.

My son was-- and still is at 4 years old--big on barfing when he gets upset. The "Crying it out" thing didn't work for us either. I tried it once, and he threw up, and I cried more than he did. I did the gradual weaning of myself away from him as he fell asleep. He was also used to me nursing and/or rocking him to sleep. So I started by standing or sitting next to his crib and rubbing his back, just making shushing sounds or humming his favorite bedtime song (Jesus Loves Me--we still sing it every night), and laying him back down when he stood up or patting the bed until he laid back down. This took a few days, but he eventually went along with it without standing up constantly, and I didn't feel like i was totally abandoning him. Then, when he seemed ok with that, I would sit across from his crib, without of reach, and hum, but only if he stayed lying down. I'd stop and shush if he stood up and fussed until he laid down again. Then, after a few days, I sat next to his bedroom door. Repeat procedure. The last step was me sitting out side his bedroom door, so he couldn't see me but could hear me. This took a couple of weeks, but we've all been sleeping well ever since. I think a baby who is used to falling asleep with mom needs some transition time to get used to sleeping without her. Good luck!

I have to suggestions that may help. One get him a blankie but you sleep with it for a couple of days then introduce it to him when you put him down sleepy. Wrap it around him so he is still warm and still smells you.
The second suggestion is get a music box to play when you put him in bed. These are the things that worked for my boys and i made the same mistake as you. Hopefully they will work for you too.

I had this same problem. I let my son sleep next to me until he was three which he just turned. This may not be what you want to do it just never bothered me and now all I have to do is read to him at bedtime place a body pillow next to him and put a blanket tightly around him. I also stopped giving him nap times during the day which really helped because he goes to bed earlier and is so tired that he doesn't wake unless it is to use the bathroom or get a drink. I know there is an age difference but it may not hurt to try not letting the baby nap long in the day, using the body pillow and blanket. I hope this will help you and good luck.

there's a GREAT book - i live by it and both of my kids are AMAZING sleepers. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. It is the sleep bible! One of the keys is his napping schedule...is he napping during the day? The more a child sleeps, the more they sleep...