OK, so everyone says to be patient with potty training because your kid won't go to kindergarten in diapers. Well, I am out of patience and my kid just might! We have been potty training since about 2 1/2. He turned 4 in August and we still aren't done. He has always been pretty good about pooping in the toilet, but is having several pee accidents a day still. Just as background - he is a normal, bright, active 4 year old who goes to preschool.
Here's why I'm frustrated. He does not have accidents at preschool (3.5 hours 3 days a week) - at least not ones that are enough to go through his pants. But then the rest of the day at home, he will go through 4+ pairs of underwear and pants because he wets them. I'm pretty positive that he can control it - we have talked to the dr. and he isn't concerned about anything. And, even when he is wet and I ask him to go change and go potty, he will insist he doesn't have to go - even though he might be wet again 15 min. later.
We have tried everything - sticker charts, rock jars, quarter jars, ma& ms, fruit loops in the toilet, trips out with mom or dad, timers (battles to the death claiming he doesn't need to go and refuses to try), a schedule of going before we leave, before we eat, etc. and the 3 day boot camp. We have done most of these multiple times over the last year and a half and nothing is working. His 2.5 year old sister was trained at 20 months and never has accidents!
I'm trying not to show my anger and frustration, but I"m going bananas and I'm done with the laundry. Any suggestions on how to get him to take the time to go in the potty??
You have a ton of good advice. I had a kindergartner in diapers, she will not graduate in diapers though. :o)
It will get better and he will use the potty.
Sending a big cyber (((HUG))) and some patience.
There is a boy in my son's preschool like this. He is also quite "normal and bright" but he has some sensory issues. Lots of times sensory issues come in many forms. I would just look into if I were you since it sounds like he is not even close to being potty trained if he is having 4 or more accidents a day.
At 4, he is not a toddler. He is too big for games, for stickers, for a potty. Rewards and goodies teach kids that toileting is a choice they can make, or something to please you, rather than expected behavior. Choosing not to use the toilet when you know you need to is not an accident. It's an on purpose. It's not doing expected behavior and a 4, it is okay to punish for it. Stop treating it like a cutesy game and like any other expected behavior. He has to use the toilet, period. If he doesn't, time for a consequence, like sitting in the timeout chair for 5 minutes in his wet pants.
This is what worked with my grandson. 3 1/2 years old and had no interest
at all. Tried everything. Then I signed his 15 month old brother up for a
gym class where I stay with him. Told the older one if he was interested and
he said yes. So off we went for him to look at it. He is very active and loved
seeing the trampolines, ropes, bars etc. I told the girls at the desk about
trying to get him trained so they went along with me. So we went and asked
if we could get him signed up. He was very excited. They said they were
happy to have him. They said now "you do not wear diapers do you, because if you do, you cannot come." Well the look on his face was
priceless. Well that afternoon diaper came off and it has been great since
then, An occasional accident but that is it. He just wanted that class so
bad. So as soon as he had a few successful days, we went and signed
up. He absolutely loves that class and even runs out during it to go potty.
Sometimes you just do what you gotta do LOL. You just have to find some-
thing that is very important to him. You know he can do it. He is just being
lazy. These kids will make us nuts!
We went through the reverse of this with our daughter. She was our youngest and the hardest to train, mostly because she has to be the most strong willed kid I have ever seen.
She would pee, but refused to poop. It got so bad that she constipated herself to the point of needing miralax and would only poop in her sleep and even then it was only every 5 to 7 days. She would cry in the day about how her bottom hurt but she just refused to poop!
So, we quit training. We put her back in pull-ups. It felt a little bit like giving up on her, but it wasn't that at all. We were putting the ball in her court. No more asking, no more begging, no more bribing. We let her be in charge of her potty. She got to pick what she wanted to wear (undies or pull-ups) and she knew she could go pee in the potty by taking her pull-up off if she wanted.
When there was nothing left to push against, when there were no control muscles left to flex, all of a sudden she decided she would poop....ON THE POTTY. At first it was one time and then not again for a week. We didn't push it, we just made it a really big deal and left it until she was ready again. The time between poops on the toilet kept getting closer and closer. About a month ago she started this and she is finally potty trained today. She turned 4 in May of this year.
I would recommend taking a step back. When he gets home from school ask him if he wants a pull-up or underwear, with the understanding that if he has an accident he will go in a pull-up, not as a punishment but because he doesn't want to use the potty and you don't want him to be messy. Tell him whenever he wants to use the potty, he can take the pull-up off and use the potty. If he has an accident make no big deal about it, just be matter of fact about what needs to happen and have him clean up after himself. Give him total control of it and see what he does when you completely back off.
It really did do wonders for us and I thought we were NEVER going to get her in "big girl panties."
Hope this helps,
L.
It might actually work best to put him back in diapers, with the confident assertion that when he's ready to make the move back to big boy pants, you'll be happy to help him. Until he's willing and able to pay attention to when he has to pee, it's diapers.
Social pressures will probably get to him, If you keep it clearly his choice, he won't have to still be mentally locked in resisting you while deciding whether to grow up a little more. If you've been trying everything for over 1.5 years, it's very likely he's just stuck in resistance mode. Boys are often much later to train than girls.
And night dryness simply isn't possible for many kids until well into their elementary years; it's not a matter of will, but of the maturation of certain physical functions and neural signals.
Good luck. This must feel frustrating and discouraging.
My advice is different than these women. Put your son back in diapers. He is plenty old enough to understand. "John, I would love to have you in underwear, but I feel like it's not working very well right now. We are going to put you back in diapers and when you are ready to go potty in the potty every day than tell me and we will say goodbye to diapers and hello to underwear." Then do it. DO NOT do pullups. Those are kind of like diapers and kind of like big boy underwear. Do diapers. He will probably not like it at all and ask to be back in underwear. I would actually make him wait a few days. It may sound mean, but when my son told me that he was done with diapers (he was 3) he potty trained in 3 days. It's pretty crazy to me that you have been training for a year and a HALF! OMG, you must be so frustrated!
L.
I would REALLY rule out medical issues before you do any more behavioral/psychological attempts (charts/back in diapers, etc.) My daughter also went through this- still going on at 5 years old. Turns out- she had a spastic bladder- and is "full of poop" even though she doesn't get constipated- she just doesn't empty herself with BMs very much. SO- the first thing my pediatrician did was get her stomach x-ray- which showed she was full of poop- so she went on Miralax and benefiber. Then I went to a pediatric urologist- they also did an x-ray and a sonogram. Nothing physically wrong- but her bladder just gets confused- hence not feeling like she has to go (insisting it actually) then wetting her pants 15 min. later. She is taking some medication that calms her bladder and is still taking Miralax everyday. She still wets at times- but its mostly at home- and she is in full day Kinder- so she usually keeps it together most of the day. And don't feel bad about being frustrated- I also went through a stage where I was yelling at her- literally calling her a baby- trying sticker charts- nothing worked! Finally- she said to me: mom, I'm so disappointed in myself. YIKES! I insisted the pediatrician take me serious at once! Right after that was when we got her original x-ray.
Also- it was recc'd and I still do the following: hold her responsible for changing her underwear and pants when she wets. So, if she is to get any positive feedback or negative feedback- it is not on whether she wets- but how she is able to handle it.
Still very frustrating- especially when she has accidents in Target or at her brother's sports games- but I'm hopeful this will finally be under control in 1st grade!
Oh- and my friend has a little one who will be 4 in November- also wetting several times a day after being potty trained since 2.5. Due to my experience- she asked her pediatrician to get his stomach x-ray- and same thing- he is also now on Miralax. Wonder if this is a common thing!
I have not read the other responses.....
Have you ever just let him stay wet? Just let HIM notice he's peed his pants and he's now wet and uncomfortable?
When it turns cold, and his jeans are stiff and rubbing his legs raw, he'll notice for sure. Once he gets it that it does not fee good to be wet, I bet is when he'll start to head to the toilet.
My advice, spend a day at home, and stop changing his pee pants everytime. You seem to be his alarm clock and he doesn't even have to stop what he's doing, b/c you notice before him.
I posted a question just the other day regarding toilet training based on the Ready Set Potty model. We haven't started yet (still prepping) but I can share a few of the philosophies with you. (Admittedly, my son is autistic and the workshop I attended was geared toward children on the Spectrum, but you may find some help from what I learned.)
1. Pick a potty theme. Find something that the child loves and reserve it for the bathroom theme (for the duration of the training.) For instance, if your son is very into Handy Manny, decorate the bathroom with a Handy Manny theme and remove all his Handy Manny toy allowing him to play with them only while on the potty. These are "motivators." Items that the child can "borrow" while on the potty.
2. Say goodbye to diapers and pullups. (You may already be past this point, but the workshop was very clear that the child must be able to feel when they are wet and diapers/pullups are confusing to the child.)
3 Have rewards available for the child. Rewards must be immediate and last no longer than 30 - 45 seconds once the elimination has occurred. Edibles are recommended but not essential.
4. Mystery Motivators.... a bag or basket of random toys (dollar store variety) to break up the possible monotony of the theme-based toys, but these are also only available to the child while on the potty.
5. Theme-based underwear. Get about 12 pairs of plain white cotton briefs and decorate them with a theme-based graphic. For instance, your child's favorite Handy Manny tool. Put that graphic on the front panel of the underwear where your child would wet. Teach him to keep Pat the Hammer dry, for instance.
6. Chart his potty schedule. Check him every 45 minutes. If he is wet, take him 15 minutes earlier the next time. Record it all to try to get accurate times of his elimination schedule.
7. Change your language so the "burden of responsibility" is on the child. "It's time for you to go potty." Rather than, "Let's go potty." or "Do you need to go potty?"
There's a lot more that seems fairly specific to children on the Spectrum or with some sort of delay, but if you try this tactic, you may find success.
We're starting on Friday (fingers crossed I can get everything done by then.) I'd be happy to let you know in a week how it is going.
Your son and mine are a lot alike--you are not alone. Mine is 5.5 and just started K. 2 pee accidents so far and many days of coming home ready to burst because he "never got time to go" at school. The bathroom is right in the classroom and the teacher says they can go anytime! He was instructed to go once before lunch and once after. I did give him a hard time and right now he is carrying a change of clothes back and forth to school in the bottom of his backpack--this is part consequence and part necessity. His other choice was leaving his change of clothes in his cubby where his friends can see it. He often gets a small wet spot but I don't even count that as an "accident" he knows how to put his underwear in the hamper and change on his own (finally!)
Last year he was doing great at pre K but he is at a new school. We had battles last year when I sent him to go to the bathroom (after he had not gone for 2-3 hours). I did start to give consequences for refusing to follow directions and being argumentative (when he got to the potty he always had to go). I also gave him consequences for having an accident and not changing or telling an adult to get help changing right away. Some may say it is harsh and it did take a while for it to work but it did eventually work.
I would tell him 4 year olds are old enough to go on the potty every time. If they don't, then they need to go to their room to help them remember to use the potty. Send him to his room every time for a good long while - like an hour or so - with very little for him to play with in there. Soon enough, he'll realize he prefers to use the potty over going to his room. Someone said you may have started him too early, but I would say that is crazy. There is no reason 2 1/2 is too young to start; I'd say he was on the older end of being ready.
No pull ups or diapers. Don't ask him if he has to go, tell him to go to the bathroom and don't take No or I don't have to for an answer. Make him go to the bathroom every hour. Most kids are having too much fun to stop what they are doing to listen to their bodies so we have to step in and make them!
Good luck
S.
This isn't really helpful to you, but I thought I'd share it. Our son finally potty trained at 3.5 years old. In order to start preschool he had to be potty trained and he knew that. We had visited the preschool and he really wanted to go and play with their sand table. As it got closer to the date when preschool would start he suddenly just potty trained himself. That said it took forever for him to stop having pee accidents at night while he slept. I don't even remember what age he was when he finally stopped having accidents but I did feel like I was going to be doing laundry washing sheets FOREVER. Then at 5.5 he started Kindergarten and that same year we moved to a different state and his baby sister was born. This was a lot of change which may or may not have contributed to the fact that that winter he would have accidents at school. He would not change out of his snowpants at school and wear them in the classroom. Then if he had to go to the bathroom he would not bother to use the restroom but would go in his pants and not mention it to anyone. The teacher did not notice many times. I had to contact her and once she started reminding our son to use the bathroom he finally stopped doing this. He just did not want to stop what he was doing to take the time to go walk to the restroom. He hates stopping what he is actively doing, it's just part of his personality. Up until this I was super sensitive about not making him feel bad and encouraging him and trying to keep it all positive. But once I realized he was choosing to do this, then his dad and I came down with consequences (punishment) and he quickly stopped having accidents. THANK GOODNESS this is all very much in the past now! Good luck with your son.
Talk to the teacher, is he holding it at pre-school or actually taking potty breaks?
Have the teacher encourage him to use the bathroom at school.
My son was notorious for holding it ALL day in K. He didn't have peeing accidents, but that CAN'T be good.
I think you may have started too early with him.....who knows?
Another thing--really make sure his shorts or pants are easy to get off and on. Avoid buttons, snaps, drawstring knots, bows, etc.
Good luck!
Sounds like he's holding it all day at school, and "catching up" when he gets home at night. His bladder is probably tired and he's having accidents.
Time to talk with the teacher about making sure he gets adequate potty breaks during the day. If she is providing opportunities for kids to get to the bathroom, then you need to find out if he's not taking advantage of those breaks.
Another possibility...and it can turn into a nasty cycle is perhaps he's constipated. Kids will have serious pee accidents if they're constipated from the pressure it puts on the bladder. If this is the problem you may need to talk to your pediatrician about a laxative and food protocol to get things moving.
Make sure he's getting enough fiber and plenty of time to get his business done so he doesn't get blocked up.
Either way...I think your problem is that he's not using the potty during the day and holding #1 and possibly #2 too long. Teacher needs to know this and help out by making sure he gets to the bathroom during the day...without embarrassing him in front of classmates, of course. Singling him out for potty breaks in such a way that kids know what's up could cause a bunch of bathroom issues too.
Hopefully his teacher is cool and gets it and will work with you. You could also work on making sure he goes before he heads of to school and as soon as he gets home. That may help too.
A friend emailed this to me. It worked for my son within a week, and I sent it to a friend who also had luck within a week. This was about four weeks ago, and tonight he finally pooped in the toilet. Good luck!!
I knew a boy who did this well into 5 years old. Take the diapers away and never look back. It might feel like you live in poop for awhile but it will work.
I'm surprised some people are posting "put him back in diapers" and "put him in pull-ups." That sends him one of two messages and neither will help him or you.
Message one: "You're just a baby so BE a baby. I'm really mad and I'm done with you." Message two: "It's OK! It's acceptable to pee in these so go for it and it's no problem!"
Neither one is what you want, right?
I agree with the poster who said to go further in ruling out medical issues. Clearly he can go at least the time of a preschool session and not wet himself or not wet himself much (which is still....wetting himself, isnt' it?). But it sounds like, rather than being willful or trying to exert control by peeing in his pants, he may indeed have issues with either a tiny bladder and/or not "feeling the urge." Some kids really do not know how to read their own bodies' signs and say "I don't need to pee" when their bladders are ready. Some kids, and some adults, have slack muscles in places like the urethra so they dribble. That could be his problem but you won't know unless it's checked, and not by your regular doctor.
Tell your pediatrician you want to see a specialist -- I guess maybe the term would be a pediatic urologist?? A doctor who deals with kids' bladders and urinary systems. Rule that out first. Maybe it's not the case, but it's worth finding out before you move on to more behavioral tactics.
As for behavior, find his true "currency." Is there something he really desires? A special toy? Something where you can say, "If you go X time (24 hours--make it achievable, not a long time like a week), you will get Y. And if you go Z hours, you will get A." See if the power of the reward is enough. But it may not be if he truly lacks physical control.
But I would never put him back in diapers or pull-ups!
when constipted, my daughter still has pee accidents sometimes.
the bladder is pushed on and if it is over half full, she better go or else.
i would try miralax mixed in with juice or water to keep him unconstipated.
Well, you still have almost a whole another year before K actually starts. Maybe you should be discussing this with your pediatrician to rule-out a medical issue, if you haven't already. Especially if you change him for getting wet and 15 minutes later he's going pee again.
My daughter did this. She was quite a bit younger... not quite 3. But she was potty trained with no accidents for months before this started to happen. She wasn't having complete accidents but she was holding it , then a little would slip. Every time I checked her she was wet. I would have her change and then she would do it again 30 mins later. I was so frustrated and she was literally going through 15 pairs of undies a day and several outfits. I finally put together a prize box and every time she went to the bathroom and had dry undies she would get a check. After 5 checks she would get to pick out a prize. I'm not sure if that did the trick or she finally decided she didn't like wet undies. It was so frustrating at the time but it will pass! Hope this helps and good luck!
