My Son Wants His Daddy

I think you should do as the other mother said and sit down with the ex and get on the same track with his routine so that he doesnt have to adjust to each home and parent everytime.

Hi.

I am a single mom to a 5-year old and a 3-year old. My 3-year old is having a hard time with the divorce right now. It's normal. You need support. You're obviously a very loving and caring mom. You can't be perfect and know everything all by yourself so I suggest you contact a family therapist to help you with your son's needs and feelings. Here's some of my experience:

1. I went to Rainbows support group and it was wonderful. Your son may be a little young but check it out anyway. When my 5 year old was 4 I took her and after the 1st meeting she giggled all the way home. I cried because I realized that it had been months since I'd heard her laugh. Kids need support too. I didn't know how to help her so I got help for all of us.
2. I sought out help from a therapist to help me handle my children alone. She encouraged me when I did stuff right and helped me adjust some things I needed to change.
3. I spoke with the girls' pediatritian. I got some really good advice.
4. I got in touch with other parents (single or married) and talked and talked and talked!
5. I read John Rosemond's books. I highly recommend him.
6. I got the girls involved in my church. They had their sunday school and I had my mass. It helped me keep things in the correct perspective.
7. I bought a "feelings poster" at The School Box. When one of the girls were acting out, I'd get the poster and we'd try to identify how they were feeling. When the feeling was identified I'd say something like "You sound angry. I'd be angry if I were you. Is there something I can do to help? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want me to hold you?" The point is I try to help my girls identify their feeling and I NEVER punish them for feeling any way. If they tell me that they hate me or that I'm mean. I just say "I can understand how you'd feel that way." And then I let it go. I want my girls to own their feelings. It's not about me.

I hope this helps. Good luck and reach out. There are a lot of people who would love to help you. Finally, trust your gut. You're a good mom.

S.

I will tell you, I have a 3 year old and 8 week old, same thing, my daughter understands that her dad will come and she has his picture when she gets ansty. Here is the thing, it is going to be touchy and be like that...because at his dads, I am sure he has less rules and more fun with the time they have, and it will always be so, b/c he will be forever making up time he loses with him. It will be tough for a bit, but just stick with explaining the situation, kids know more than we give them credit for, and although he can't appreciate all you do for him, and know that you are the primary person that cares for him, and he only thinks about fun and all the things he gets to do, he will. No matter how bad it gets, let it be that time he comes to you and says he loves you before bed that keeps you sane and keeps you calm and dealing with it. Let it be the things you teach him that you can say you are responsible for.
And when he cries and kicks and screams because daddy is more fun, and he wants him, think about all that, explain again that he will see him again, and find something to take it off his mind, that YOU TWO enjoy doing. Something he doesn't do with dad, something you share together. He'll be fine, kids go though things like this ( i know easy to say but mine does too) I just think of everything you share and times that make it all worth it, see, all I share with my daughter...it helps me calm down and get through it. Mom's can take more credit than you think, and single moms...how kids are raised, act, and things they know, is mostly you. So take a minute out. And take pride in that.
Seems trivial and not immediate help with a tantrum, but as a single mom I am sure you can handle a tantrum! I have seen many with mine. They all pass...remember the attention span of a 3 year old!
Hope this helps.

I have a 3 year old also (and so does my boyfriend) and Im divorced. I find that it is VERY important to establish your place as the child's mother (or father) and try your hardest not to give a reaction to what your son is saying. Do not show him emotion when it comes to this issue and just make sure you are giving him alot of security about where he is with you. If you show him that now then you will likely see a change and it will be easier as he gets older. Sometimes its hard for us single mom's to look at ourselves and realize that those are our children, not our friends. They dont need to see the emotion or the hurt that we hold for the situation-they only need to know that they are secure with you and that you want to spend quality time with them. Hope that helps! Also, just FYI, you might look into taking a course (I took one when i got a divorce) that goes over how to deal with children when you separate or divorce. It was REALLY helpful for me! (the state of GA requires you go through it when you get a divorce)

We were on the opposite side of that dilemma. My husband had a son with his first wife and he DEFINATLY wanted to live with us. He used to do the same kicking and screaming to his mom and would say ugly things to her. Mind you we strongly discouraged this behavior! We would tell him that he loved his mother, she loved him and he was hurting her feelings. Our son was normally the most sensitive little guy when it came to feelings, but he would yell he didn’t care and that he hated her. I am quite sure that he did not hate her. She and I sat down and did a co-parenting contract. Basically laying out the ground rules for raising Michael. Bed times, video game times, dietary restrictions (how much fast food) and stuff like that. Once we got his routine the same no matter where he was it was better. He didn’t get away with stuff at one home as opposed to the other. We didn’t get into the trap of trying to buy his affection and trying to out-do each other. While sadly our little man passed away shortly after his sixth birthday, the time that we did this in conjunction with his mother seemed to go much smoother for everyone, especially him.

It sounds like you need to have a talk with his daddy and come up with a similar set of rules for both houses. Perhaps he is confused by the differences, or even overwhelmed by having to make the transition. Being on a united front with his daddy should really help things run a little smoother for your son.

I am a single mom w/ a 3 year old too. My son has the same issues. I think it is because his dad always has him on weekends when they can just have fun and not have to keep a schedule like we do at my house. I have started making sure that my son and I have some special time every week. Once a week we go to Chick-Fil-A for dinner and he plays in the playroom, we go to the park or get a pizza, anything that is special and fun for your child. The other thing is when my son says he wants his daddy mid week or a weekend he's with me- we'll call him and let them talk. If he says these things when he has just left his dad's house I say how glad I am that he loves his dad and wants to be with him and have fun with him. Then I'll say how much I missed him and want us to have special time together too. That usually calms him down. It's also a good idea to plan something fun when you pick your child up from his dad's-- that way he has something special to look forward to. Hope some of this helps.

Hi B. This is a tough spot I know how you feel I too was married divorced with two (14 months apart )by time I was 21. It's hard but I would suggest sitting down w/ Ex. trying to come up with same rules hopefully daddy backs you up on punishment etc.. my son too was very stronge minded and made me always feel like bad guy his daddy was on pedestle suggestion;set up a rewards system stickers or extra special time with you etc.... like a chart visible for him to see he gets star if he behaves etc.. start teaching him choices / consequences he's young but put on his level for him to understand how does he act /react with dady what is different unfortunately we think they are to young to know how to manipulate us but they do learn very young don't be fooled by his lovely face he could be testing you if he lives with you most of time then he has probably had play time and fun time with daddy and you are boring routine etc.... and it takes almost week to get back in routine only to have to do it again unfortunatly part of divorce not fun children will try to waer you out along with every other daily stress in life make sure you take time for you to recharge I made this mistake and soon got over rode by kids. you are in charge (not in cruel way but no matter how many tears etc.... stay stronge) you can do this and he will grow up to be a well rounded healthy young man that will look at you one day and say thank you unfortunately they will be grown young men and we have a head a grey hair that thank God there are chemicals out there that only you and your trusty hairdresser know the truth any encouragement you need or just to talk I was a single mom for 14 1/2 yrs (17 and 16 yr olds) remarried three yrs ago have a21 month old so the single mom thing i have down its the being married thing i have trouble with hahaha just let me know if i can help

Hi B.,

I really agree with kelly. Your son needs to feel secure and reassurance with you. At the same time you might want to consider being more firm with him about the rules in your home. Sounds like this is a tough time for the both sides. I am going throught the same thing with my two girls ages 4 and 5 yrs old. Be strong and hold ur ground.Sounds like ur a great mom. Hang in there!!!

he is going through seperation anxiety most kids do go through this and if he lets him get away with things while he is with him this can also make your little angel grow horns. You have to in some way explain to him that he lives with you and visits daddy I went through this with 3 out of 4 children myself. hope this helps oh and by the way you can not let him keep doing it either after a while you will have to start getting on to him at least a time out or something and explain that he can not keep throwing fits just cause he wants to go to his daddy. they also start to play you with that little song and dance.

If you and his father are cordial, Id ask him why. Is his father a disneyland dad? (a fatehr who spoils him and doesnt punish?)

Does his father have a dog or anything that he may be attached to there?

Does his father make grande promises to him to bait him coming back... (your son may want to go to him with that expectation of recieving somthing sooner, than if he waits for the weekend)

Do you spend time playing with your son, doing what he chooses?

Try asking your son why does he want to go see daddy so much, at a time when he isnt thinking of it...
catch him off gaurd sort of... you may have a better chance on getting an answer, than if he is crying and upset and throwing a tantrum.

Hope this helps.

If you ex is very involved, maybe you can talk to him about having consistent rules from one place to the other. Children need consistency. Ignore his cries for Daddy, be firm and blunt with the way things are. As soon as he stops getting a reaction and sympathy from you he should stop.
Best of luck.

I totally understand how you feel. my childrens father is also very involved in their lives. my suggestion would be that when you punish him or starts acting out in that fashion. tell him that you will call his father. now, I am only telling you this because this is what worked for me. I am not saying this going to work for you. Also you might try having his father call the house to talk to him. maybe once or twice a week. i am only giving you suggestions.