My Son Misses His Dad...

Hi S.,
The stuffed animal is a great idea. My nephew lost his dad to MS a few years ago and before he passed he had a bear made for him that included a chip inside that he had recorded a message to his son, saying how much his Daddy loved him. He still uses his bear for comfort when needed. They can be made at any of the "build a bear" type places.
Good luck!
A.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do about his father's behavior. Until his dad decides to 'man it up' and be responsible, you just have to sit back and be there for your son. Let him call his dad whenever he wants. He is the one that needs to answer to your son.

In time, your son will come to understand how things work and make his own decision about his dad and, possibly, stop asking. When he asks why dad didn't come over/show up just say "I don't know." One of the best you can do is to never say anything negative to your son about him.

You understand how this makes you son feel and it's great that you can sympathize, however don't project your memories/feelings. Just understand and provide a distraction.

By letting your son develop his own opinions about the situation, he will see the truth and will not provide any opportunity for anyone to accuse you of being the 'bad guy' in the situation.

Watching your child be disappointed is definately not an easy thing to watch, especially by someone they love. However it won't be the first time.

There are some things in life you cannot protect your child from. His dad is who he is, and does what he does. You can make suggestions to him but you cannot make him do what you call 'right' by your son. You live your life the best you can, be the constant stable thing in your son's life, and he will learn about his dad by his dad's actions. Two things I learned after having my daughter: The horrible way my mom treated me; the lack of respect for me, my body, my self; the cruelty and neglect... all of those things contributed just as much to the kind of mom I am today as did the gentleness and peace that my father was. I am grateful she was my mom. What she didn't give me became that much more important to me when it came time to raise my own child. I am ADAMANT about respecting her body, and I demand that others do too. There are many things I am grateful for that most people would just call 'dysfunctional childhood'. The second thing is this: Keeping the peace is MORE IMPORTANT than trying to get dad to do what you think is best. Always keep focus on your son, not his dad. It's easy to get the two mixed up sometimes, but accepting his dad for what he is and living your life according to what is best for you and letting him do the same even though you don't like it is better than anything else. After all, do you want to teach your son to try to control the behavior of others when it doesn't suit him? Or do you want to teach him to accept people as they are, and that he can love them anyway, and to make the best of all his moments? Be what you want your son to be. The absolute best thing you can do for your son is not to keep difficulties out of his life, but to teach him how best to deal with them. Teach him different ways of seeing things, teach him to be forgiving of people who might hurt us even if they don't mean to. Teach him that everyone does the best they can even if it falls short of our wishes. Pray with him at night, let him lay his worries and dreams upon God. Teach him lessons from your own life when things looked bad but turned out good. Your son's attitude about hardships, life, and love are the only thing you can really influence. You aren't raising his dad, else you'd have influence there too. ;)

Peace

How I got through the disappointment of their dad not showing up is I didn't tell the child he was coming. I would go on like a normal day and if his dad showed up that was something special. Than he doesn't mess with your childs self esteem:) If they talk on the phone ask your ex very nicely to not tell him he was coming because he makes him really sad when he doesn't show up. Good luck .

Dear S.,
This is a tough situation. My son was not even 2 yet when I left his father. He wasn't around much and when he was, it was no fun for anybody. Unfortunately, after we split up, my ex was so up our butts about every little thing that no one had a chance to miss him. Or cared to miss him. 12 years later, he still tries to run the show even though he's not allowed around me.
Anyway, I commend you for being sensitive to your son. He is the most important thing. Little kids getting their worlds figured out and adjusting to changes and knowing they are loved and safe, no matter what, is something they need to help them get through the rest of their lives. Even if their parents stay together. I think the idea of a special toy or snuggy for your son, from his dad, is wonderful. My son has always lived with me, but I still stick little notes or surprises in his lunch or in his bag if he goes with his dad. He always saves them. In fact one of them he brought home, he hung up in the living room by the front door. It's an outline of my hand and inside I wrote,
"My love is always with you, no matter how far away you go. Mom." I am a true believer that children need to know they are loved by both parents. Some parents are better or more responsible than others, but kids can figure that out for themselves as they become adults or parents themselves. When they are little, they just need to know that they are loved.
I SERIOUSLY agree with you that your ex should not state a day or time that he will return unless there is nothing that will stop him from keeping his word. Even the most well intentioned person can have a car break down or something. I don't think you are being controlling. I think you should be appreciated for trying to foster a healthy relationship between your son and your ex. Your ex can say things like, "I love you and I'll be missing you until next time I come to visit." As your son gets older and truly understands the days of the week and time, etc, your ex will have to be more careful to keep his word. He definitely shouldn't promise trips to the zoo, or this or that. He can let YOU know that's what he's planning so you send everything the kid will need, but it's better for things like that to end up being surprises for the kid instead of let downs if something else comes up. You can't make anybody behave a certain way, but hopefully Dad will realize that consistancy is the best thing he can do for his little boy. Even if it's just calling on the phone one night a week at the same time.

Talk to your ex and ask him nicely to work on this with you. I wish you all the very best.

I have had similar problems over the years and would highly recommend working out an agreement that he doesn't tell your son when he's coming so he won't be repeatedly disappointed. Ultimately, we worked out a court ordered visitation agreement that took the guesswork out of the visitation.

Phone calls are great if he's willing to be available for them. My ex wasn't, so that didn't work for me. Instead I would have my daughter imagine seeing him and getting a hug and kiss from him.

Someone said to go for sole custody, and I can tell you from personal experience, California is "pro-dad" and I seriously doubt it would be worth your time, energy, and bad blood it would create. My ex was even problematic than yours (I had a restraining order because of domestic violence and he moved to Las Vegas without telling me!) I tried for sole custody and no visitation and they simply wouldn't allow it. I have found it behooves me and my daughters to do my best to put aside my anger and judgments, accept him for who he is and work with him rather than against him. That doesn't mean I don't stand up for my children when necessary, but I don't pick unnecessary fights.

I know it is difficult being a single mom and wanting so much more from "Dad" than he's willing / able to give. Just keep loving your little guy and giving him the best you can. You can't control "Dad's" behavior, but you can teach your son to be strong and emotionally healthy regardless of what happens. We all have our trials and tribulations and there is only so much you can protect him from no matter how hard you try.

My heart goes out to you and your son.

Remember you are the mirror. If this is ringing your Dad abandoned me bell that is what your son will pick up, You need to reach for a better feeling thought and not feel sad for your son or you because you can't control another person. Just say I don't know if Daddy will come. ANd make it a non issue. Then play a game of happy thoughts and see what your son tells you about his thoughts. You know, let's think of a happy thoughts. Mine is playing outside in the sunshine or reading a book to you, seeing you smile, my fluffy blanket, silly jokes, tickling. . . What is your happy thought? Then do something fun with your son till Dad gets there. And if he never shows up you just had a fun time with your son and he didn't miss his flaky dad.
At one point in my son's life I told him (with the help of counseling) that Dad couldn't be counted on and when he is here, he is here and when he's not, he's not. And this is as good as it gets. It is not because of you, you are wonderful and amazing. It is just who your Dad is. The result of this contrast gave my son this amazing fortitude and he is responsible and on time and keeps his word. And he is whole and happy. When he was a teenager he did grade his Dad and gave him a D- in parenting. He still loves his Dad, but he knows who he is.
Good Luck,
Gale

Hello,

It is very understandable to want him not to set a time that way it is less of an disapointment to your son. He may not know the exact time but he is very aware of time in general.
Some ideas for you to help him with the missing his dad ...

1) Get a picture of him and his dad together and have it places on a pellow case, or a t-shirt.

2) Put a picture of his dad on the wall where he sleeps.

3) If you have a build-a-bear store around you tell his dad to go with him and build a bear that has a voice recorder in it so that you can record his dad saying that he loves him and misses him too. If his dad wont go and build one maybe you can build one with him and put a recorder in it and have his dad talk in to the recorder. With you building the bear with him and then having his dad talk in it is more work for you but it maybe help full to your son and building it together with him will also give him something special with you.

Good luck

Keep your son busy so he doesn't miss his Dad.

The stupid dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I doubt there is any way you can ease his sadness; if your son is to have an inconsiderate, selfish, irresponsible flake for a father then that will be his burden to bear throughout his life. I'm so sorry for your son.

If there is any way you can at least get this idiot to stick to his visits, go for it. Otherwise I would never tell your son ahead of time that his father is going to visit, so he is spared the disappointment and heartbreak when he doesn't show up. Just tell him daddy is very busy, and when he is old enough to understand, maybe 6 or so, you can inform him as nicely as possible that his dad loves him but is a flake.

I agree with Catherine A. below that you should not speak badly of your ex to his son, however you can state certain truths about your ex without being mean. If someone is not true to their word (flaky) that is a sad fact about them, not an insult. And life is full of sad facts.

p.s. - The stuffed animal or toy idea sounds good. If the idiot will do it.

ADDENDUM Okay, I will cease my rant and try to be a little more constructive:

While spewing vitriol about your child's father would be wrong and harmful, some truth about his father must be told to your child when he is old enough to understand. With kids, where there is a void in information, the child will usually fill it in to his/her own detriment. So if you only ever speak positively about your ex to your son, your son will then assume that his dad does not want to see him because there is something wrong with HIM, and that he is unlovable. So it is important to tell your son (when he's old enough, 6 or so) that daddy doesn't see him/flakes out/whatever because daddy is unreliable, or however you choose to put it. That puts the fault/blame on daddy, and not on the child, which is the truth.

Hi S.,

We grew up without a dad too. He would just pop-in once or twice a year for an hour or a day then be gone. It's VERY hard on kids. My brother's work took him out of the country pretty often so he would record stories for my niece to listen to while he was gone. It worked pretty nice for them. She world hold her teddy bear with one hand and the book in the other while daddy "read" a story or 3.

Good luck!!
N.

S.,

I wouldn't hesitate to explain to his dad that he is suffering emotionally when he doesn't show up when he says he will. Kids at that age are very dependent on truth and follow through. I would tell him how it is affecting your son. One suggestion on the times when he can't be there with your son is to purchase matching teddy bears or dinosaurs etc. Have the dad tell him that he will hold his teddy bear when he misses him and your son should do the same. It may help to have them feel more connected. Also, you could arrange a picture book of the two of them so your son can look at the pictures when he misses his dad. I hope this helps and I know this is so hard on you two.

Take care,

Molly

Not sure what advice to give. I am going through the same thing. Just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one.

Ask his dad if it is ok to let him call when he is missing him. He should always have the right to call him. There is a toy out there I think it is a bear where his dad can record a message and your son can play it. I don't know where to get it I just know that some families are using them wehen mom or dad are in Iraq. A friend of mine had a lifesize cutout made of her husband so her son can see him while he is deployed.

I have a son whose father I never married and we share custody 50/50. We started off very badly when my son was a baby but with a great mediator that we see we worked through "our" issues to make sure we wouldn't give them to our son. The child psychologist/mediator helps us make big decisions in our sons life and advocates for our son. We have found that video conferencing works great when he is not with the other parent. Of course you probably know the obvious that you and the father need to make specific times of visitation and keep them....keeping a kid waiting and longing for the other parent is cruel and damaging as you know from your own childhood. I would seek help yourself to find out how you should handle the father if he is non comittal to really being a father to his son. I would also advise reading the book raising cain and give it to your son's father. Goodluck .. I will think good thoughts for you and your little guy.

T.

Whether the father commits to a time or not, you are the one with him most of the time right? So, maybe to soften the blow to your son if he doesn't show up I'd be inclinded to remind your son when he gets excited about seeing Daddy that you think he's coming, but you're not sure..."Sometimes Daddy can't make it, so hopefully he can come" and if he doesn't then you should have something fun to distract him. And if he asks about it (and he will, again and again), just be truthful..."I don't know why he didn't come. It's a bummer."

This is just while he is young and doesn't understand and it's still difficult at this age to reason with your son about the issue. As he gets older, I totally agree with Catherine...don't talk badly, just let him realize on his own that his father is unreliable. So when he's 5 or 6 and dad doesn't show up for the upteenth time you may want to respond with "I'm so sorry he didn't come - I know it hurts when that happens. Let's play a game together or go see a movie." Unfortunately, he will come to understand that his father doesn't do what he says he's going to do.

I'm so sorry your son will have to deal with this.

I've never had to deal with this, so I don't really know for sure if this is good advice...it just feels like how I would handle it if in the same situation.

Good luck.

Hi S.- I would start the process of sole custody with no visitation. I would then tell the father that unless he holds up his end of the bargain you would start preceedings. The reason is, "no child should have to live with the disappointment of an absentee parent!" Once a decision is made it will be easier on your son. I would also sit down with your son's dad and let him know what is going on. If he does not care or show compassion, put your son's needs above all else. Your son's needs to see his dad will eventually go away if you cut contact. I am sorry to sound so blunt and harsh, but the heart-ache and disappointment your son feels now will turn to bitterness and resentment later. If your husband doesn't make an effort it is better he is not in your son's life unfortunately. Broken homes are always hardest on the child and have lasting repercussions. Take care of your son and God bless.

Maybe the following helps explain what you are experiencing. Dr. Carol Gilligan, professor at Harvard University, said there are two critical periods in a boy's life when he needs his dad. (cited in "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson, page 57-58). According to this book, when boys are very young, they "bask in their mother's femininity and womanliness". But when they are about 3-5 a boy gradually pulls away "from his mom and sisters in an effort to formulate a masculine identity. It is a process known as 'disconnection and differentiation,' when, as Don Elium writes, 'the inner urge of the male plan of development nudges him out of the nest of the mother over a precarious bridge to the world of the the father.' It is typical for boys during those years, and even earlier, to crave the attention and involvement of their dad and to try to emulate his behavior and mannerisms." (The other critical period for the involvement of dads in the lives of both girls and boys is during the onset of puberty).

What your son seems to be experiencing is this very normal developmental stage in his life. It might help to explain this to the boy's dad in scientific terms- so that he understands it is a part of life and healthy development for the boy.

I haven't experienced what you are going through, but my thoughts and prayers go out to you in what must be a difficult time. I agree with others who have advised to find a safe and healthy male role model for your son, if his father will not be that person. You are an amazing mom, and my hat (if i was wearing one) is off to you for all you give and who you are in the raising of this boy...

S.....you are going through one of the most common transitions now-a-days. I am so sorry that you have to watch your son go through this terrible time. Gosh, kids simply LOVE their daddy, don't they :o) It sounds like a stuffed animal would be a great idea! How about pictures of his daddy all over his room?

If I were in your situation, I would "protect my son". I would probably start "planting seeds" about how busy Daddy always is. That might be a phrase he could understand at 2. You dont want to "poison" your son against his daddy. The truth is, when your son is old enough to understand the situation, he will come to form his own opinion about his daddy. You don't want to influence that opinion, because he may resent you for it later.

Have you ever seen that movie "Liar, Liar" with Jim Carey? Well, it would be a good one to give to your ex-husband to remind him of how forgiving children can be....to a certain point. It's a very funny movie (obviously with Jim Carey), with a terrific point about divorced dads not spending enough time with their children. The "mother" in the movie, is a GREAT example of how mother's should be in these situations, in my opinion.

The good thing is, 2 times a week is ALOT of time. Your son will adjust to a new "regular" schedule. Thank goodness, his daddy makes the effort to see him like that. I DO agree that times shouldn't be promised. Men, in general, have "good intentions", but have broken their kids hearts time after time. I know my husband USED to do this :o)

Good Luck, S.. Things will start to work out. It sounds like a "fresh" situation. Given some time, your son will adjust :o)

Oh Yeah, just for the record, I disagree with EVER telling your son that his daddy "doesn't have time" or "is a flake", or whatever. That is how WE GROWN UPS feel, but a child will NEVER understand that until they are an adult. You should never lie to him, but always spare his daddy's reputation, and never "bash" his daddy. I've seen this backfire on the mother bigtime.

You are entering into a whole new level of "motherhood" as a single parent. With Grace, Patience and Trust in yourself, you will figure this all out :o)