My Son Is Now Out on His Own at College

L.,

I was a college student who was responsible & had to work my way through school- still paying for student loans for post-graduate work.

I would personally cut him off, or limit what you give him & if he runs of of $$$ tought S$%t!! I think this is a time for tough love.

Dear L.,

Don't give him money.......DON'T.......Tell him to get a part-time job.....You are not his bank.....

%(*:*)%

Hi L.,
You've gotten some good advice. For the spring term, (with him at the calculator) figure out how much he's getting to live on, after his books, fees, etc. Divide that by how many months he needs to make it last. When kids first get that refund check, their eyes bug out! It's often the first time in their lives they've had so much money, and they have no idea how quick it spends.

Once you've shown him how to average his money, and the monthly things he needs to buy.. you're job is done. I have 2 in college (1000 miles away each!). They know that the First National Bank of Mom and Dad is for emergencies only, and we are the ones who determine what an emergency is. Luckily, I've only had to say "wow, that stinks. Figure it out." once to my youngest. That said..... they get care packages with personal items, candy and gift cards twice a year. Money for birthdays and holidays. That makes their money last longer and allows them to splurge here and there, while still managing their money. Honestly, they brag about how much money they have left each semester! Once you make him do it....you'll see a big difference.

Good luck. It's hard to day no, but it's necessary unless you want "I need money" calls the rest of your life.

You said he is out on his own, then let him be on his own. This is a part of growing up and know how to take care of your self and not to depend on your parents. Did you get mad with your parents because they did'nt pay your way? he need to grow up to be a man and to know how it is and what it takes to be a man. Get a job.

im sorry but he needs a reality check, mom its called tough love on your part, as long as he knows you will come off the bucks due to motherly love he will keep up the present path. my saying to my 5 children and 10 grand children and now 6 great grand children is EXCUSE ME WHAT PART OF NO DONT YOU UNDERSTAND, I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO LEARN, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, they all geet up set with me but years later my children are now saying thank you and they find themselves doing the same to their children. my grand parents did it to me and i learned how to rethink the situation and redo my priorities. good luck and GOD BLESS US ALL J.

Seeing that he got financial aid and more than he needs for school, I'm thinking he has a Pell Grant. Unless he is married, or somehow an independent, I can only imagine he used your tax information, meaning you probably don't make a ton of money. Stop giving him your money. My husband and I are both very young 23 and 24 and we are full-time students with Pell Grants, a 2 year old, a dog, rent, utility bills, phone bills, grocery bills, etc... my husband works. I am sure my husband has more going on in his life between school, a wife, a son, and one on the way, than your son... why does he not have a job? If my husband can do it, your son can too... it's not that hard! I am a full-time student, trust me it can be done. Good luck!

Well, he's in the real world now. I have a 20 yr old myself and she manages all her own bills and she has learned how to make everything stretch without my help at all. The best thing to do is stay out of it and he will figure it out. The worst thing to do is give him money.

So your son gets mad, so what? Part of being an adult is learning how to manage your resources. Should he fall on hard times, or not have everything he wants, he will learn the value of his dollars, and maybe that he will have to do some part time work to get by. If you rescue him all the time, when exactly will he learn to grow up?

Set up "this is how much you get each . . . (week, month, whatever), give it to him, and if it doesn't last, so be it. He is young, strong, healthy, right? Trust me, he will be okay :) (You will too! LOL)

Since your son is college age I'm betting that he's at least 18? Time to grow up. And time for mom to be a little tough. You are being loving and the best parent you can be when you teach them to be successful productive members of society. That means he needs to understand money does not magically appear in his account every month. Unless you are extremely wealthy and he's a trust fund kiddo, after college you supporting him will go away anyway right? So talk with your hubby on an amount you are willing to help your son with per month and then you tell your son in no uncertain terms after such and such amount is gone, that's it. He needs to learn to budget and yes he will make some mistakes and wind up eating Top Raman noodles a lot one month but it will teach him. And check out Dave Ramsey's website on Financial peace. There is a course for parents and one for kids and I'm betting you will get a lot out of it! Good luck.

It's called a budget. You are on one and he's lucky to have some money coming in from you. Another word: get a job, son. You want extras? Work for it. I wouldn't put up with his insulence or demands that you be burdened to keep the cash flowing. He's got to wake up and put some effort into his spending habits and making some income. Keep strong.

I would suggest getting him a book by Dave Ramsey called "Total Money Makeover", great advice. But if you dont want to do that, let him fall down and pick himself back up. He will have to start writing down every purchase he makes, every slushie and 20oz coke he buys, everything, so he can see in black and white where his money is going. He will expect you to always help him out more than what you should if you do it now. He is in college, reality time is upon him. I really suggest that book, and tell him he has to read it if he wants any help from you. And if you havent read that book, you should too. But, good luck and it will help! Kids are kids until we let them grow up.

My stepson is at his first year of college too. I felt like I was the only person, out of the parents, that was really drilling him with the need to be financially conservative. He has a scholarship that pays books and tuition with a small amount left over each semester and his mother sends him a small check each month. His dad and I provide his car and apartment. I must have talked with him a million times and really forced him to think it through...how much will the electric bill be each month? How much will the water bill be? How much is your car insurance? How much will you set aside to spend at the grocery store? How much do you need for gas? etc...then compare the necessities with the amount of money he will have available. My stepson quickly saw that his funds would be very tight, even without frivolous spending. In fact, he had his apartment for several months before turning on cable and internet because he wanted to first make sure he could keep up with the other bills...and find a room mate to share expenses.

I think you need to sit down with your son and write out the financial obligations that reoccur each month. Give him a concrete budget and a limited amount of money from you. If he runs out or goes over, he will have to get a job or learn better spending habits.

I know for us, this has been more worrisome because my stepson never had a job before moving out and has never had any financial responsibility. I really pushed my husband the last couple years, before my stepson started college, to encourage my stepson to get a job so he was at least responsible for his car insurance or some other regular expense...but he didn't....so now we are dealing with a steep learning curve in a short period of time. It can be done, but it sure would have been easier if we had started these habits years ago.

Good luck. Be firm...and show your son, on paper, what his lifestyle costs and what he can afford.

My parents stopped sending me money my Freshman year of college. I was the only one of my dorm mates that wasn't living off of Raman and mac & cheese. I had to realize, quickly, that money is harder to get than it is to spend. My fiance and I are of the "sink or swim" philosophy. Your best bet would be to stop bailing him out when his funds run out. Eventually, he'll realize he needs to grow up. It's probably easier said than done (my oldest is only 3), but let him go. He'll catch on. Don't buckle under the "But Mom!!" pressure either. Good luck!

Tell him you will only help him out financially if he gets a job if his own, even if it's 4 hours a day 2 days a week, make him learn what it means to work for the money. Perhaps then he will learn to appreciate the efforts you've already made and nit reprimand you for not giving him more. As an added bonus, he may ask for less if he has mire if his own to spend.
Also, walmart has a reloadable student card you could put money on. Walmart dies not sell liquor (that I know of) and their prices on chips is better than 7-11!!

Hi -
That first semester at college can be a tough transition.
Will his class schedule allow him to get a part-time job? Encourage him to think outside the box in regards to employment (i.e. When I was in college, I got 2 part-time jobs, one working in a church nursery on Sunday mornings, and one as a secretary in a hospital on Sat. and Sundays - I didn't have a lot of free time, but it left my weekdays open to carry a full class load). Have you discussed budgeting with him? Have him diligently save all his receipts for several weeks, and keep a log. Then he should be able to see where the money is going, as well as look at trends in his spending. If you feel that the amount of money he has should work for him, I encourage you to not give in. Yes, he may very well get angry; growing up is hard to do. But its time. If he cuts corners and still can't make it work, suggest he look into a small loan (either from a bank, or family member - although a bank would probably hold him more accountable than a family member). Best of luck to you and your family.

Where does he go to school? At USF the Freshmen have to get a meal plan so that they don't do exactly what your son is doing. But yes, I think most all college kids go on a spending binge the first year. The best way to break him from it is to let him do without. If you give in and give him the money then he will never learn. Have him check into a RA postion or another job there on Campus to help with his funding. That's the best way to make him learn how to manage money. I have to remind my senior to watch her spending from time to time. I think it's just because they want to run with their friends and forget that it costs money and someone has to pay. My oldest daughter was an RA during college and her sister is a RA now. But she is also looking for another job too. They can become an RA their sophmore year. It pays their room and board. Then the financial aid is for books and other needs.

Sounds like he is used to "asking" and "getting," when you say he gets "mad" when you don't give him unlimited money in his account to do with what he pleases. Tell him simply, "Welcome to the real world!" It is unfortunate for him that you didn't teach him these lessons all along because now he has to deal with this rude awakening. Nevertheless, he has to grow up some time and accept responsibility for himself. You may suggest to your son that he get a job and earn his own money for these things he desires. I raised three boys and none of them had an "account" into which I put "spending money" for them. They used whatever monies they got from student loans wisely and/or got jobs of their own--part time AND full time. Amazingly, they all graduated from college and emerged with not only an education in their chosen field, but the self-taught experience of financial management. None came back home to live with Mom. All of them rented their own apartments, bought their own cars, and are now supporting themselves and helping others. It is interesting to me how Moms, in the name of "loving their children," do way to much for them, including laundry and especially giving them money, thus robbing them of the opportunity to become independent and responsible persons. Do your son a favor, Mom, take off the water wings and let him learn how to swim on his own!

I blogged my advice here http://themommaven.com/2009/11/budgeting-college-kids/

I would not give him money.... He should get a part time job. If he is getting financial aid, that is what he should use for living- along with his own p/t job earnings to fund his eating out and partying. If you feel obligated to pay for something, agree to pay for his books each semester or buy a gift card for Subway, or give him a prepaid gas card.... No gift cards for places that he could buy beer instead. Tell him you think by you paying specific items (out of the goodness of your heart, not because it's mandatory) will help him with bugdeting his money and spending habits. After all, this is college, the last step before he is completely on his own, and should be a learning time of living on his own and learning to manage himself and his finances. Who will to it for him in 4 yrs? Who will transfer money into his account when he overspends then? Why does he EXPECT you to give money all the time? He is taking advantage and taking for granted that he will be bailed out. Not a good quality to finish college with, so act now!

If he overspends, be can apply to the state or school for a student loan.... In HIS name only. This will give him extra money each semester -work free- but he will have the burden of repayment after graduation....still, it's better than thinking that you are a free bank since that will carry on after college whenever he's low on funds and needs to pay for his car, apartment, insurance, etc.....

Best wishes and welcome to parenting an adult :-)

Hi L.,
See you've had a lot of good responses, I agree on the Dave Ramsey Book and had taken his classes...great info. Wish I would have had it when my daughter was still in HS.
Also, if you son is looking to make money while he in college, we have a business and are always looking to help young people. One of our daughters was able to pay for her books, part of her tuition and have her own spending money from what she earned. If you think he may be interested please let me know.
Best of luck,
S.

Wow L. - He is an adult now, if he hasn't grasped the budgeting concept already, how will he learn? Let him go, learn the hard way. I was an only child and my Dad would bail me out of financial situations all too many times. This ran over into my adult life too. I kept making financial mess ups too, up until I became a single parent with 3 children to raise on a fixed income. Now I have it down. I am 47 - don't make your son wait that long - tough love L. - we hate it, but it's what he needs.

M. F

My brother and I always had jobs and bank accounts from the time I was 13 and he was 15. My brother had a habit of blowing all of his paychecks while I was a saver. When he went to college he got financial aid for school, and I just worked my way through without it. Because of his spending he didn't have money left just for himself and went into debt using credit cards. My parents had a serious talk with him about responsibility and how real life and bills work. My mom's name was on my brother's bank account because they got it when he was young. So she made it so that only she could withdraw money. She wrote the checks for bills etc. herself and he had to ask permission to get to the money. The answer was frequently no. They also set up a budget so that he could see how everything needed to be allotted. After his debt was paid off, they returned control of the account to him, although my mom still kept access for a couple years. I know he resented my parents at first, but he understood the problem and realized he needed help to fix it.
In our house we keep a budget on the computer with everything, even gas and "eat out" food. My kids 9, 7, 5, and 3 already hear about it and how important it is to stick to it. They are frequently told that they have to wait on something they want until we really have free money to spend. We tell them that this budget is the reason we can live how we want to and my husband and I are not working two jobs and sticking them in daycare to pay for it.

Dear L.,

I am a financial advisor who formerly worked in higher education. I would be happy to work with your son directly, via email, if you think that might help.

First of all, it sounds like your son needs help creating a budget. I would start by either obtaining an official financial aid budget (either by the semester or by the academic year) from his college. From there, sit down with him and create a semester or monthly budget.

I am assuming that your son's disbursement check goes to him either via post or via direct deposit. Then he needs to cover whatever his expenses are himself! This teaches him how much things cost (books, rent, utilities, food, transportation, etc) now! He then needs to devise a budgeting system that works for him. It might be a spreadsheet, the envelope system, or something on an internet based website, etc.

I worked with way too many students whose parents took control of their finances and the students had no idea how much a year of college costs.

I was fortunate to not be on financial aid when I was in college but my father (the financial advisor whose company I now work for) made me sit down each semester and create a budget on paper (we didn't have excel in the late 80s) that I had to adhere to. I used the actual bill from the university for my tuition and fees, either my bill from housing or my apartment lease agreement, detailed information regarding utilities, and then a very realistic grocery store budget that included laundry. My father told me what he would pay for (the basics, tuition, books and supplies, housing, food) and I had to come up with money to pay for transportation as well as "entertainment" - which included the ABC store and eatting out.

I am proud to say that I only borrowed money from my parents once after college, to move to my first job. I paid that loan back (it was written up as a loan document with an installment book - although it was interest free) within 2 years. I am so glad that my father taught me how to be responsible with money.

I did go to graduate school, and worked 3 jobs to put myself through! I graduated debt free (and very tired). It can be done.

Please feel free to contact me directly if you would like additional information.

Best wisehs, C.

I am not familiar with a financial aid disbursement check. Is this something he was given in a lump sum and you are transferring some of those funds little by little to his account?? If so, go ahead and transfer ALL of it to his account making sure to let him know that's ALL THERE IS and once he uses it all up that the stream will be dry. He;ll either quickly learn to budget, or he'll be going to those friends who he has been supplying beverages for to help support him, or he will get a job. I'd go the tough love appraoch and make him figure out if he didn't budget his money then he will have to live on Ramin (sp?) noodles and get a job! Isn't that what we all did in college?!?!

Ramsey has some great data. books, and so forth- I would start w/ that, and chart out the semester and budget out the loan which I believe you have co signed for.

Handling money is such an easy thing to argue about- theat is why I have suggested Dave Ramsey's book, and you could also try to get a call into his show, for more help.

I don't know if anyone realizes how expensive that money is until paying it back. It took me 14 years to do it, and it cost alot of interest.

Please don't give up-better he learn responsibility now.
I think a chart may help- so he can see that he can't spend the last week of the semester what he blows now.

Also he didn't earn this money, if he had he would be more careful.
Does he have a part time job while in school? Taht would help his responsibility too
best, k

Why does it matter if he gets mad you are still the parent and he will never learn to budget if you don't tell him - I put $50 in your account and that is all you will be getting this week if you use it up then you will do without. I have a girlfriend that just did that and her daughter is now brown bagging it for lunch so she has fuel to go on the weekend. My son is also in his first year but he decided to stay home so he would have more money go out on but he works and pays for his fuel, books, car ins and his own lunch. I help him if he runs short but most of the time he will not ask for any help.

The more you are a push over the more he will take advantage of you. You sound like a good parent that wants the best for your son but remember sometimes the best for your son will be a big NO your not getting anymore money to waste. If you want to waste money take yourself out for dinner and a movie because you deserve it you have raised your son and now it is your time to have some fun.

My folks gave me money for food and rent anything else was up to me. Stop sending extra money. Only send a set amount and tell him no more til next month. Your son wont starve to death and can get a part time job. It wont hurt him and he needs to be responsible,it time he grew up. Dont let him argue about his grades slipping, it can and has been done.