My Son Has Anger Issues.

What about karate? I've heard it helps kids learn to deal with their emotions and also helps the shy kids to come out of their shell?

First, stay away from the Pearl's. There's MANY other ways to handle things that teach socially acceptable ways of dealing with things.

My son absolutely needs some type of fish oil supplements. (DHA, flax oil etc.) I've let them lax a few times and he gets much more aggressive and less able to handle frustration. Read up on them & if you want to explore food and if that could influence anything, go to groups.yahoo.com and join FoodLabs. There are some really smart people there who've gone through the process themselves.

A book to check out is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Green. His basic premise is to teach skills on how to handle frustration. He also has a website. Another person to check into is Heather Forbes. Though she focuses on adopted kids, they often have the same anger issues and her techniques would still apply. Her website is: http://www.beyondconsequences.com/

Hugs! I know that it can really drain you and ruin a day (week, month, etc.) Keep searching and you will find what you need. Persevere because your son is worth it!

I also highly, highly recommend the book "The Explosive Child" by Dr. Ross Greene. It saved us with our youngest daughter when she was 6. When she hit explosion point, there was no reward great enough, and no punishment big enough that made her think rationally and change her behavior. Her brain just did not work that way clouded by all that anger. I followed the book's recommendations, learned to recognize her triggers, and we put the collaberative problem solving approach to work. It was an amazing turn around. Not that her tantrums have stopped 100%, but they are down 95% from what they once were. Those 5% times she has a meltdown, we've changed our approach, attitude, and follow up with her, and it helps us not to fall back into having it happen again under the same circumstances, or having the meltdowns become a habit again. We've learned how to live peacefully with a chronically inflexible and easily frustrated child. She feels more in control of herself now. I would suggest reading that book before seeing a therapist. Good luck!

Hi L.: Yes, you need to find a good psychologist. My son is 16, but was like this as a young child, also, which is why we finally sought professional advice. He is diagnosed with a mood disorder, which sounds like what your son may be dealing with. When my son would get in these rages, there was no reasoning with him. In fact, he would often repeat incessantly during these rages what the consequence was going to be: he knew, but couldn't stop. As another poster said, start with your pediatrician. If you can't get anything out of them, then I would call your nearest hospital pediatrics dept. Someone should be able to put you on the right road. I should warn you that medication will probably be suggested, and I know what a difficult decision that can be. Just remember, though, that as difficult as this is for you, it is even worse for your son to have to live this way. I can recommend a very good book: "The Explosive Child" by Dr. Ross Greene. This is an excellent, excellent book. If you would like to email me directly, let me know (I think that this is allowed here; not sure). Good luck - I hope you can find some answers. Let us know how this goes.

Hi, L..
You have to read "To Train Up a Child" by Michael Pearl and apply the advice. You will have a new son. If you look on Amazon, you will see all the controversy and negative comments from people who don't believe in corporal punishment. All I can tell you is read it, ignore the controversy, ignore the fundamentalist Christian weird parts of the book, and take the core advice to heart. All I can tell you is that my step father (father of 10-grandfather of 30+kids) gave me the book when I got pregnant with my first. My kids would be different children without it. They are all tantrum free and happy. I take them everywhere and my husband travels all the time. My husband and I read the book with an open mind after spending time in their vast homeschooling community (in TN) where everyone has at LEAST 6 kids, if not 10 or 12, and ALL of the are happy, respectful, and anger free. The boys are given tons of freedom and rough play, but the discipline is also firm. The results are miraculous and even the most difficult toddlers went on to become well mannered respectful young men who can control their tempers and act with respect to other people, especially parents-EVEN AS TEENAGERS! A girl at my gym was having problems exactly like yours with her youngest son, and after giving her the book, he has made a complete turn around in just a couple of weeks. The book is short and easy to read. Check it out. Use it, quick, your son is crying out for help. Blessings to you!
a m y
ps, AGAIN, don't listen to people who have just read the reviews and not the whole book or who don't know children of families who use this method. No harm in reading it, don't let people censor you.

Is there any reason he should have anger issues, or is this more behavioral?

One thing take I would do is when he initially starts having a tantrum and hitting, stop him by holding him really tight for a couple of minutes, pinning his arms. Hold him tightly, but obviously not tight enough to hurt him. Do NOT SAY anything. Then send him to his room until he calms down.

The thing I think you should really start minimizing or avoiding is having the talks with him afterward where you make him tell you what he is doing wrong. I think, especially with boys, the less said, the better. You don't need to make him tell you what he did wrong, you can just tell him, IN ONE SENTENCE, what he did that you do not want him to do. You don't need to go on and on about it. Then you can impose whatever consequences you wish. In this case, I think one week without swimming was appropriate, since he did this at the pool.

You may need to take him to a therapist, as you mentioned, but I personally think one problem with your boy is that you are talking too much about what he does wrong, and even worse, making him tell you what he did wrong. That can make them feel really bad about themselves, no matter how nicely you try to put it.

So: Hold him to stop the hitting and tantruming, then send him to his room till he calms down, then say ONE sentence when he's calmed down: "You may NOT hit your sister because she accidentally splashed water in your mouth," and then the consequence: "You will not be going swimming for a week." And then let it go and go on with life.

Boys and long lectures usually don't go together. Even girls don't like long lectures, but girls can handle talking more than boys.

WAY less talk, more action.

You may also want to look at his diet and research whether he might have sensory issues.

My son almost completely stopped melt-downs when we removed major food allergens - wheat, dairy and artificial dyes/colors. He was also alot less sensitive to daily happenings (comments/actions by friends, sibling, parents, etc. that would have previously set him off).

It sounds crazy that food could affect a child to that degree but with my son it did.

A book that helped me: "Healing the New Childhood Epidemics . . ." by Kenneth Bock, MD and Cameron Stauth. Your library may have it.

My mainstream ped was very little help to me during that time. I am not a health care professional of any kind - these are just my mom experiences. Of course you will need to seek professional advice and do your own research.

Good luck to you and your son. Your instincts are correct imho.

Yes, it is time to get him professional help. My 10 year-old has had some of the same issues. Sorry, I don't live in your area, but you could start by asking your pediatrician or regular doctor for a referral or recommendation. Good luck.

L., thank you for this post. My 6 yo had had some extremely erratic behavior recently (sounds exactly like what you described) and I was wondering the same thing about counseling, etc. I am going to email my church and see if they have any recommendations. Your church or school could be a good place to get a referal.

i think you're handling it brilliantly. it's a difficult phase to work with, but your patience, firmness and compassion will prevail in the long run. i therapist probably won't hurt either, but i'm betting that as you continue parenting in this style, you will have long-term positive results.
khairete
S.