My Son Cry About Every Thing

My son did the same thing at that age, however, he added in head banging on the wall, so count your blessings! Anyway...what we did to work with him on this issue is when he cried, we would get down to his level (on one knee) and tell him that we understood that he was upset but that he needed to use his words to tell us when he wasn't happy, not just cry. I also started giving him two choices (that I wanted him to choose from) to have him think he had more control than he really did. For instance, let's say he's crying because of the bath. I'd tell him that he had a choice of either taking the bath or going immediately to bed and then I'd ask him what he wanted to do. Most likely, he'll choose the bath. If he chooses bed, then put him to bed. If he wanted cake for dessert and you didn't want him to have it, then I'd say...you can either have applesauce or jello, which do you want. So, instead of telling him what he can't have, offer him two things that he can have to choose from so that he feels he has control of his choice. That may take away some of his frustration. Most likely, he's crying because he doesn't know how to communicate his frustration. So....offer him choices of what he CAN have instead of telling him what he can't and ending it there, and teach him to use words to tell you why'd he's upset instead of crying. Good luck.

Hi M.-
Many children regress when there is a baby in the house. It is a temporary stage. Try to spend time with him alone, give special times, say, 'I know it's hard when I can't come when I'm busy with the baby.' Have him help you, but go ahead and continue with his daily routines without punishing or being mean or sarcastic. He's your little boy; you love him, and he's going to take a bath. That all said, sometimes, with three-year-olds, it's not the baby; it is just the age. Don't comfort him as you do your baby when it cries, and certainly don't give him everything he wants. Just say, "I'm sorry, we have to . . ." or "Mommy can't afford this . . ." or "We'll go outside (if it's a store or restaurant) and wait until you can act ok to be inside.." Be strong. :-) S.

Do you remember the movie, "City Slickers"? The old man always said that there was one thing to happiness in life. Well I am here to tell you that one thing. The answere is, "say what you mean and follow through". Make no promises you can't keep, lead your life in solid yes's or no's. Be the person at the party that when you say it's time to go you don't hang around for another hour, you go. Or the friend that just doesn't say, "hey let's get together". Make a time and place immediatly. Children pick up on wishy washy parents and become completely sensitive and whine about everthing. Start slow. Try waiting a minute with a response to your child so you are sure to follow through with what you say. If you jump the gun and say no when after you think about it you should of said yes...toooo bad stick with the no you said and move on. You are not doing him/her any favors. Don't sweat the small stuff. If your child yells why, say because you said so. Your intire life will change, I promise you with that ONE bit of advise. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Your child will love you for it and your friends and family will respect you for it.
Good Luck,
From someone who didn't learn the secret till I was 35.

I have 4 children ages 4, 4, 2 and 1...the three older ones have all gone through this.

Do you have a quiet place that's out of the way where you can have him sit by himself for awhile...near you, not in his room, but out of the way enough that he feels left out. We call it the "no fit corner". We have a small hallway off of our living room that ends in a bathroom that we use. When my kids throw a fit, I tell them to go to the "no fit corner" to calm down. They are told to stay there until they can talk in a big boy/girl voice or are ready to stop whining. They don't like to go there because it is boring and no one is there listening to them throw a fit. They learn that the way to communicate is using a big kid voice, they don't get attention when they whine and they miss out on fun when they want to cry. It is not a "time out" so to speak because the child is allowed to come out as soon as they are calm.

The first couple of times I put a child in the "no fit corner", as soon as they start crying, I say in a calm voice, "if you want to throw a fit, you need to sit in the no fit corner" and I pick them up and carry them to the corner (not cuddling them or comforting them or they will view that as attention which is what they are wanting...just carried quickly and determinedly ). Then I tell them (calmly) that when they are ready to talk to me in a big kid voice they can come out. Then I walk away. It is most effective if they know you are having fun in the other room while they are sitting there crying. Eventually you can work up to just telling them to go to the corner when they start crying and in our case they typically stop throwing a fit immediately.

Just like the other advice, don't give him what he "wants" when he throws a fit. For us, throwing a fit is a deal breaker--even if I was going to give it to them anyway...and I tell them so. Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for and they will keep trying things to see what works and what doesn't. He is noticing that it bothers you and its working. Don't let it work and he will stop it (and try something new...so be prepared :-D).

Oh and another thing that my kids like to say in a whiny voice, "but I don't want to..." My favorite response to that is, "I didn't ask what you wanted to do, I TOLD you we are going to do..." And that's that. I don't respond to further whines and I don't argue back--that is HARD. It is hard because you want to argue back--3 year olds can sound so logical sometimes! But he is three...remember that. You know what's best for him, not him. You need to constantly remember that you are the bigger person and back down--don't let him engage you. If it is time for a bath, and he throws a fit...let him cry. Don't argue with him about it. Just CALMLY say, "I didn't ask you what you wanted, I said it is time for a bath" and say no more. Pick him up and give him a bath. Eventually he will learn that it doesn't do him any good to throw a fit/cry--you're not going to argue with him and nothing will change. (and he'll try something else).

You can also try giving him a heads up before making changes..that might help. For example, tell him, after dinner we are going to take a bath. Or when we finish this game, we are going to clean up.

The trick of all of this is to remain CALM. Say everything as matter-of-fact as possible. If you get worked up, he'll get worked up. If you are calm, he will calm down.

Okay...hope some part of this helps.

Hi M. -

Do you really want to turn off your son's sensitivity? I know it can be annoying when a child crys alot - I was one of them - and it drove my mom crazy. It took alot of years for me to come to terms with my emotions and for a boy - turning off the ability to cry sometimes turns off more than the tears.

How about this - instead of turning off the tears, ask him to rate his sadness - you know - on a scale of 1 to 10. Teach him how to be honest about his feelings. He may start out by telling you everything is a 10.. but then ask him to compare the current 10 with the last thing he rated as a 10 and is he sadder than last time or maybe not quite as much. He will get it and, when done right, he will look on it as a "game" but he will also be learning how to be responsible for his feelings and not be ashamed of them.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger
Holistic Healthcare Provider
Certified Life Coach

Hi M. R - I went through this with my son too. He's five now and does it much less. For crying over baths and such, what I did was just explain matter of fact that crying will not change anything and it makes him sound like a baby. For crying because he didn't get his own way over a toy or TV and such, I would send him to his room and tell him when he could talk to me like a big boy he could come out.

Now, it's whining! drives me nuts, but we've been real consistent about telling him "I'm sorry, I can't understand you because you're whining. When you can talk without whining, we'll be able to hear you". It's working, slowly but surely!

Good luck!
M. P

Hi M.,

All kids are different and some cry more than others and its okay. Children are just little people and each are different with their own feelings, thoughts and ideas. I only say this so you know you are not alone and your child is not the only one who acts this way.
When my son whines or cries (for a reason that shouldn't illicit that behavior) I tell him "whining and crying is not acceptable. There is no reason to cry. Please use words and let mommy know what you need. If you cry and whine i can not help you. Please be a big boy and use words." (I learned the "use words" from my sister in law who is a special education teacher and that's what they say to their children "use your words" to get them to talk more instead of act out.)
If my son continues to cry or whine I tell him to go sit in time out until he's ready to use words and tell me what he needs. After a few times, this worked. I don't yell, I don't hit, I talk to him like a little person and give him respect. Children need respect too and often people forget that.
And I agree with the other moms, stick to your guns. Consistency is a necessity for children in many aspects of their lives. Consistently respond the same way when he whines and cries and consistently carry through with discipline and things will get better. Studies show children thrive on structure.
Best of luck M.. Let us know what happens.

M.,

A few things come to mind when I read your dilemma. One is that a three year old often doesn't have the vocabulary to express their feelings and therefore will use biting, slapping, crying to name a few to express themselves. After being in those situations numerous times in my career in early childhood development and mother of three. I ask them are they hurt? Now the obvious answer is no- so I explain that you cry when you are hurt and ask why are they crying. When he says- I don't want to take a bath for instance- you can explain that it is good for his body that lots of little boys don't like baths etc. but you don't cry about it. Try and teach him the words that match his true feelings and that he can talk about that. Its not a quick fix but it has a great pay back years down the road when they can tell you what they are really feeling. Second is that he has a new sister and I have often experienced that two and three year old will mimic the actions of the baby. She cries- you respond and as he sounds like a smart little guy- he may be trying it out for himself. You could point out also that his little sister cries because she doesnt have words- he does and that you want to hear him tell you what is making him unhappy but that you don't understand when he cries. When he does express himself verbally you can tell him how happy you are that he is a big boy and maybe even show him that there are rewards for being big- even if its not giving in to him.

Best of luck- and like all stages- this too shall pass.

ahh... my oldest is now 3 years old, aren't they charming? First off, this is the way toddlers/preschoolers are. They want everything now now now. He is testing the boundaries... once you decide to tell him "no" (and make sure you really mean it) then you've got to stick to it! No exceptions. If you give in once, then he will try oh so much harder the next time. Next, I'm not there but this seems to clearly be a case for attention. If you pay little attention to that behavior, it should stop. Stay calm and remind him every so often that big boys don't get what they want that way. Yes he's got a baby sister and you've got to spend one on one time with him, but don't let him think this behavior is okay, I don't how annoying that can be.

Has he always cried that much? Or is it just recent? It might be his response to having a new sister. If so, he probably needs more babying, more mommy time. Reacting in a baby way is a message that he's needing more attention. Maybe you can try scheduling alone time with him, rocking him, telling him good things about himself and how proud you are of him, what a lucky baby sister he has since he's such a good big brother, how he'll always be your baby...

Our four year old did some reverting after his baby sister was born, and even though it was hard, we had to make ourselves be sweeter with him and give him one-on-one time. He has come out of it just fine, and adores his sister beyond words.

Good luck! It's so hard with a baby and still trying to take care of the bigger ones. You get stretched pretty thin. But it will all pass soon!

If this hasn't always been his reaction to things he dislikes, it may be a reaction to his new sibling. The jealousy doesn't always start right away. He just may need a little more positive attention from you to help him through this stage. Three year olds don't usually have the vocabulary or understanding to express 'jealousy' in a constructive way, this is your opportunity to help him learn how to do that. I know the crying is exhausting and emotionally draining. Just remember, he is expressing a need, and with your guidance, he can learn to express that need in a less irritating way.

It's acually called the terrible three's, lol! If that's his personality than he has to change it, not you and until he's old enough to understand that your just going to have to let him cry.