Both of my grandchildren, ages 8 and 5, also do not want to part with anything involving books and toys. My daughter packs up outgrown toys and takes them to storage. After a short time they seem to no longer care that they are gone.
However, my daughter is a tyrannical type in getting rid of the toys. She didn't give them a choice in what goes or when. She didn't even discuss what was happening. At first my daughter did try to get the kids to pack up their old and outgrown toys but they wanted to keep them all. My daughter was angry with their lack of co-operation and just packed them up without trying to calmly work with her first. She also didn't tell the kids where the toys went.
My granddaughter is still anxious and angry about it. She doesn't remember the toys but she remembers that she had no choice. She also worries outloud sometimes that if Mama can just get rid of things then she might get rid of her.
Based on my observations with my grandchildren and your explanation of what you've done so far. To me you have handled it well thus far and, as you are asking, now might be time to try something else.
What I would try is to put a box in each child's room or one for each child if they share rooms and ask that they fill the box which you will put away for them. If, after a set period of time (I'd suggest at least one month.)they ask for a specific toy(s)/books and talk about why they want it back you will retrieve it for them. They can't just say something vague. An example of an explanation that I would consider for returning a book would be I remember reading that book, giving it's title and/or story line, and want to keep it for it's memories. This would then give you the option of how best to keep the book.
I would have a "family meeting" sort of discussion including them in the decision. This will be a good opportunity for learning about co-operation and compromises. You could provide another box, crate, drawer the size of which you are comfortable with and he/she could keep the book in that container. Once the container is full it's one in/one out. You could also have a certain size container for each year or period of time.
You could suggest that once their book shelf or toy shelves/boxes has a certain amount of space filled it's one in and one out. Combine that with a way to keep certain "keepsakes."
The kids themselves should first be involved in a discussion of why this is important and then be able to provide suggestions, discuss choices and all of you arrive at a solution with which you can all live. This may take several meetings over time. If the discussion can be unemotional it can be talked about at the dinner table or while doing something else. Actually I think the more that the children are aware that there are reasons beyond you just wanting them to do it the more co-operative they will be. It also helps that they hear your reasons for it and be allowed to disagree. By listening to them you are showing them respect which then teaches them how to show you respect.
My granddaughter is 8. She almost always says no to any suggestion for change that I suggest. I don't push it. Sometimes I have to unemotionally step aside to give her time to think about it. Often she comes back with a compromise suggestion which I accept or not. When I don't accept it I respond with another compromise. Often my compromise is to tell her to get in the car sooner than I'd asked earlier. WE both laugh while she's getting in the car. We've reached the point now that she frequently makes the decision to do what I ask without trying to make a compromise. I'm talking about day to day things such as getting into the car or playing more. I also tell her when is a no compromise request if I don't have time, the mood or if it's not appropriate to let her be involved.
I've learned thru life experiences and study that when I give orders about something that hasn't already been dealt with, such as coming to the dinner table, without allowing the other person to at least think about it, that I'm setting up a situation giving both adults and kids something to push back against. When I say, I want you to do this in a calm firm voice but not in a irritated or angry voice I get compliance much quicker. If I know that this is something that they feel strongly about I might say we are going to do this in 5 minutes. This gives them time to decide that they will do it. It's like the counting strategy we use with preschoolers. Because of experience they know that you will follow thru and they will do it. Giving them time allows them to save face.
For something long term like keeping room in their the solution has to be worked out over time. You are dealing with their belongings and their rooms. They will co-operate much easier if you've co-opted them into your plan.
As an aside comment my brothers and I grew up being able to keep whatever we wanted in our room. We didn't have to make beds or pick up clothes or toys. It was our room. We just kept the door shut. I did the same with my daughter.
I had difficulty with my step-son because he not only kept loads of stuff, some of it caused damage. There was a large dried circle of glue under his clothes. His CD player was also under his clothes and he though I should replace it when I stepped on it and it broke. Nooooo! The kid is responsible for any damage done to his things. And if I hadn't discovered the large glue blob while his father and I were separating and selling the house he would've had to be involved in replacing that part of the carpet or even the whole carpet which is what we had to do.
I understand why my daughter didn't involve the kids in getting rid of toys. She is like a whirlwind once she decides to do something. She has thought about it but has difficulty talking about how she came to this conclusion as well as using the amount of time and patience that kids need. The issue of cleaning out old toys, books, clothes is a big issue for kids. They haven't yet experienced that what they now have is temporary and that they will continue to have things that are important to them. By the way I didn't insist that her room be neat and allowed her to keep anything she wanted to keep.
My grandkids have had no difficulty letting go of clothes. Once the clothes are out grown my daughter gives them away. Her syle is to do this periodically. She does have a box on the closet shelf in which she puts outgrown clothes once she realizes that the kids aren't wearing them anymore. So the kids haven't seen the clothes for sometime before they disappear. Perhaps that's why. I also haven't noticed that the kids have developed favorite outfits. That may change.
The process of moving clothes along isn't obvious or discussed. I do think the process of moving toys/books is different. Of course Grandma's house is different. I put toys/books that they no longer look at in a plastic tub that I leave visible to the kids. Just because I'm a procrastinator the tub will sit there for weeks. Eventually when I take it away the kids no longer care don't even notice. Sometimes the 5 yo will go thru the tub to see what's there and may choose a couple of toys with which to play. They then go back in the tub. He rarely gets the same toys out again.
At my house I have no agenda. I have no emotional attachment to a certain thing happening with the outdated stuff. I suspect my lacksadaisical attitude affects my grandchildren in a positive way. It's unnecessary to fight to keep what one wants. The items just slowly disappear.
I have a toy box and a bookcase for the kids toys/books. They have a lot of choices for books. There is rarely an obvious blank space. I, too, am somewhat of a hoarder. My own book cases are over flowing. When I remove some I have more already available to fill up the space.
You might ask your kids why they want to keep stuff. If it's because they like full bookcases/toy boxes perhaps you could find a way to deal with that. A suggestion would be to agree that we need a certain amount of space available for new toys and books. Get an agreement that there will be this much blank space. Then reinforce the decision with a reminder that we do get new by each kid buying 1 new book and 1 new toy, price amount set, after they have cleaned out enough so that they have the amount of avaliable space that you all have agreed upon.
Space is an easy to negotiate decision. First you decide how much space you want then you add more space to that amount. You tell them that they should provide that made up amount of space but that you are willing to negotiate. Let the games begin. :)
These are just some suggestions on how to get your kids involved so that they will give up old toys/books without so much difficulty and trauma. I suspect some of the drama carries on as a way of manipulating what they want. By setting up choices and allowing them to make decisions they are less likely to need to manipulate.
Each child has favorite toys and I put them away for them to give to their children if they want to do so. My brothers and I still have a large steel truck from my father. When I was a child visiting my grandparents I played with some of the toys my father had as a kid. I'm
glad I have those happy memories. I do the same with a few clothes. I still have a dress that I wore as a baby.
I read Judy's post and realized I'd missed the part about your family has a new formation. I strongly believe that your son is trying to find his own space in this new arrangement. Now is not the time to change rules and expectations that are not necessary for survival. Everyone needs to feel secure and comfortable in the arrangement.
I also suggest that the step-father not be the one to enforce rules. He couls be involved with you and deciding what the rules will be but you have to be the enforcer. I know this from much reading. I also know this from my failed marriage. My husband believed that there needed to be no rules for kids. No bedtime, no bath time, no requirement to brush teeth. Eating only pork and beans was OK. So were obviously dirty clothes. Oh, also doing chores were not needed.
We married when his son was 7. By the time he was 10 I strongly believed that if I am going to be partially responsible for this child we needed help. My husband was rarely available. My teen and both of our mothers were living with us.
We had 2 years of counseling. He would agree that one specific change could be done but then he would not only not tell his son that this was a rule, he would tell his son that he didn't have to do what I said. So we dealt with the issues between the two of us. Didn't work. We separated.
For me this illustrates how important it is for both parents to be on the same page as far as rules and discipline is involved. I don't know if this is a part of your situation but having your husband, his step father, enforcing rules soon after your marriage raises a red flag for me. It is also important for the birth parent to present the rules and enforce them with support from her husband. Working out how that co-operation will work needs to happen before you start changing the rules.
After a period of time and after the two of you having an agreement to try then involve the kids in making decisions about what happens to them. Have no more than 4-5 rules that are non negotiable. Examples are show respect for everyone including yourself, keep hands and feet to yourself, be safe, particiapate in family life. If you like a regular routine you can add guidlines such you have be home for dinner before 6 pm. Take a bath at least once a week. Brush your teeth morning and night. Put your dirty clothes in the hamper before wash day. These guidelines definitely need to be discussed with the kids and they be allowed to express their opinions. You have the final say.
Often final says do not include respect and understanding for the kids needs. This is essential for a smooth running household. Perhaps there are other more important issues with which to deal with than removing toys, books, clothes. Your kids are naturally unsecure at this time. They need your help in developing a sense of security first.
Have you considered that your son's wish is also a need to hang onto things. He's lost his father.
I, too, strongly urge you to get family counseling.
And after thought. Yes, it's good to consider your family as one family when making decisions for the whole family. It's also necessary to acknowledge outloud that your two kids have a different father and respect their grief and anger as a result of that. They most likely will continue to hold a place in their heart for their father and resent anyone who insists he's there father. My recommendation for step children is to allow them to call your husband whatever name that can be agreed upon. They would only be expected to call him a parental name when they choose too. Again, that may not be part of the problem.
