My Son - Berkeley,CA

...36? Unless there's some overarching expensive health issue (and you actually have the money), or unanticipated lengthy joblessness, he should be covering his own expenses *all the time*. He's a grown-up and he needs to support himself.

(And actually, I agree with the other respondents - "This is a private matter between me and my son" is pretty good if you want to avoid discussion at all.)

Hope you don't feel guilty about this...

My answer to this would be "I love him enough to not try to make him dependent on me".
I have a brother who is constantly bailing out his 30 year old and I worry about what that boy is going to do once his parents are no longer living. It's totally disgusting to see a person who is a man's age acting like a whiney little baby running to daddy for money all the time.

Hi S.,
I work with families and teens (mostly) and have been getting similar questions a lot lately. Try, 'I feel the best way I can help Junior is to let him grow up, and he won't do that till he is on his own.' then change the subject. Or, alternately, 'I put a lot of thought into this decision and it was very difficult for me. Please respect it.' Then, again, change the subject.

Hello S.: I was so impressed that you felt good enough about yourself to not be always helping out your child but just wanted support in the choices you made. We have a saying in our family that goes" pack a bag we are going on a guilt trip, and it's going to be a long ride"
I am the mother of 5 and one is 36 as well. This child would rather sleep in her car than accept anymore help than she has to have. I have been in the position of helping all my children at some point and have been blessed for it greatly- how? When I need something I can ask for it andknow that someone will step forward to assist or the look of love and knowledge that they really had done all they could before asking for help. As a recent widow, I was very needy for awhile and they took care of me. I have a 23 year old special needs child. He is wonderful at doing yard work, painting fences,and has done computer work for people to earn money. He doesn't ask unless it is a must but only after he had done all he could on his own. Not giving handouts should encourage them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. At 36, unless severaly disabled, or it is tempory while he is out of work to help I would not enable him not to be productive. I am always amazed by parents that seem to pay for the chance of their child sleeping all day,and going out withthe buddies, of them living with a parent and thinking they don't have to be responsible to anyone for anything. I wish you well in your quest to find a peaceful answer. For me it is not to become the public welfare system for someone that hasn't done their part 1st.

That it is your decision, not theirs. They certainly may help him if they decide that is what is best for their lives.

What to tell them? "I'm tapped out and need to start thinking about my own retirement. If *you'd* like to give him money I'm sure we can arrange for you to give him some." Then change the subject.

He is a grown man and should be responsible. Does he have a job? You can say the following to your family:
"I am not helping him to be a responsible person by always helping him out financially. He will always be depending on me. Also, this is between my son and I and I don't want to discuss it any further." Then change the topic right away. You have given them an explanation and then you stop the conversation of the topic by switching it to something else. You are in control not them. If they continue to probe after you said this, you can repeat "I don't want to discuss this any further" and do not answer to anything else they have to say. Hopefully they will stop. Best of luck to you.
--L.

what?????????????? I'm sorry I have no idea where your family is coming from.......When I was in college my parents helped me out financially because that was what they wanted to do...but once I graduated, it was my responsibility to find a job and earn my keep....yes, there were times I did borrow money from my parents, but I had to pay them back before I could borrow again....It's just good common sense and my goodness...he's 36...by that time you should know how to live among your means.

I'm assuming you have cash to chunk out and that may be why your family thinks you can help him....I wouldn't....though you could let him borrow..and then he can pay you back..but don't give him anymore money after that UNTIL he pays you back....Banks don't give money out all the time with out people paying back..

Also...on a side note....once they know they can get money from you....they'll just keep sucking you dry....My grandmother had plenty of money to enjoy her life and her family and travel like she always wanted...instead..I had two cousins and thier children that sucked my grandmother dry of all ofher money..and had her working 3 jobs to support them...PLEASE!

You raised your son and gave him the best tools you knew how....he's an adult now..he needs to be resourseful and man up to his responsbilities.

Sorry it sounds so harsh..but I hate it when people get taken advantage of.

Your son is 36, certainly old enough to take care of himself. I think tough love is the answer here.

I would tell my family if they want to help him out, go for it... but that you just can't afford to continue to do this because you need to live also.

My brother-in-law's daughter is 40 and still lives with and lives off him. There is no excuse. She is lazy, a druggie and doesn't want to do anything and he allows it... my sis did too when she was a live.

You need to start off by telling your son NO MORE... and not worry about what your family thinks and stop feeling guilty.

You can tell your family that he is a grown man and needs to take care of himself. You have helped him off and on for 36 years. If they are so concerned about him being helped then maybe they can help him for a change. They'll back off, they don't want to do it either.

You are an adult with a 36-year old son. You have no obligation to explain anything you do to your family. If they ask, and you feel you must provide an answer, let them know that it's none of their business. If they insist, tell them to feel free to help him out of they're so concerned. An emergency loan for a 36-year old who is responsible and self-supporting is not out of the question. Another loan in a long line of unpaid loans for a 36-year old who is sucking you dry financially is not helping anyone. Stand firm!

In a short phrase, mind your own business. I have a son 31 that I parted company over a year ago that I had supported most of his life. It's amazing how much better my finances are now that he is no longer a drain on them.

Unless he has serious medical or mental health issues that prevent it, he should be supporting himself. No mom wants to see their child struggle, but giving him money is not going to help him move forward. Time to cut him loose and help him learn what it really means to be an adult.

Tell them he is 36 years old. Period. 'Nuff said. If they press you, you can take two routes that have worked with me when my family tries to make me feel guilty about one thing or another. 1) You can take the ultra-super-bitchy route and overstate everything you feel on the subject. If you feel he should be able to manage on his own and you simply can't afford it, then exaggerate it and say something like, "Hey, he's a big boy and I'm not the first national bank of mom..." I have found that playing up a flippant or callous attitude usually shocks people into quiet on the subject. And if they are nosy and insensitive enough themselves to try to lay the guilt on me, then I don't really care if they go home and say, "Wow, what a terrible mother!" And besides, they apparently already think I am a terrible mother, or they wouldn't be trying to make me feel guilty about how I conduct my life with my child. Or 2) You can try to state simply and firmly how you feel on the subject, and there have been some great suggestions already given. "I raised my son to be self-sufficient and independent. If I help him too much now, it will undermine these lessons and only hamper his growth as a man. Not to mention what it will do to his self-esteem in the long run." In a perfect world, this response would end the topic. In my experience, however, and in my family, it usually does not. I have some relatives with whom the honest approach has not worked, and I had to take the low road and use the other approach. Either way, good luck.

He's 36 and old enough to take care of himself! Tell him to sell some of his video games!!

Whizzy had a great answer.

He is 36 after all... he should be getting his finances in order and have a real job if he does not. And getting a retirement account too. Just being a responsible adult.

It is not your family's business... tell them THEY can help him out.
You have to survive too... and he is a big grown up boy now!

AND tell him, to get a Financial Advisor for himself.

Al the best,
Susan

That your son is an adult and needs to be responsible for his own finances and giving him money is not helping him- only enabling him.

You don't really have to tell them anything. You don't have to defend yourself, but if they're your family then they are his family also and if they think he should receive all this financial help, there is nothing stopping them from writing a check. your financial responsibility to your son ended a long time ago and you don't have to explain to anyone why you aren't giving him money now. But if you insist on explaining yourself, tell them just that. Write the check yourself or keep your mouth shut.

I would tell them he is 36 years old and if he ever needed a place to live your couch is open to him. But everyone goes through hard times and they also get through hard times. My family lived in a 2 bed condo with my MIL for 3 years. 4 people in 1 bedroom. It was tight but we were able to save the money we needed to get a place of our own.

You shouldn't be giving him money at all. People who are given things for free will never work for those things. The greater he needs the harder he should work. It's okay to struggle and go without, this is how most people grow, mature and learn to be responsible.

One of my sisters is ALWAYS borrowing money from my parents. She has one child and makes a lot more money than my husband does. She rents a tiny apartment and is always broke. My husband and I make 20 thousand less a year than her and we own our house and cars, we have no debt and 5 children. We NEVER have borrowed money from my parents.

Simple answer...."I am sorry, this is a private matter between my son and I." PERIOD. At 36 he should be able to help himself. Just because he is your child does not mean that you are responsible for him the rest of your life. The hardest thing to do is push the babies out of the nest and KEEP them out. I sympathize. =)

Dear S.,

I'm glad he doesn't want to move in with you. If he's a drain now it would double if he was in your house laying around playing computer games and eating your food.

I don't understand why your family wants to make you feel guilty. If your lazy 36 year old man/boy wants money from you, make him work for it. Painting, yard work, cleaning. That sort of thing is worth about $15 - $20 per hour. Don't get suckered into giving him and advance. He needs to learn the concept of work = pay....Not "My mother has a money tree".

Blessings......

Who's making you feel guilty? Just tell them to mind their own business, and if they're so concerned about your son, they're welcome to give him as much money as they want.

Just tell them they can feel free to help them as much as they want and what you do regarding your own son is none of their business.
We all need help from time to time. I've helped my daughter all her life and when I went through something pretty serious, she helped me. No questions asked...she was right there and happy to do it.
I guess it all depends on what a "constant basis" means. Every day? Every week? Again...it's between you and your son and if you feel taken advantage of, your other family members can step up.

Best wishes!

i think that by helping him out, if it's a constant issue would be enabling him in life. by making him do it he is learning to pull HIMSELF out of the rut. as for your family are they helping him themselves?? if not, then they should mind their own buisness and stop being hypocrits. good luck

Tell them to help him out if they are so concerned, but it would'nt hurt to help him when you want.

I would tell them that it's a private matter and they should not feel that they have a say in it.

I would however help him financially to go to school perhaps to learn a trade. Then expect an effort from him at finding a full time job and being self sufficient. In the mean time, he should help you with your matters around the house or elsewhere that could be useful for you.

Tell them THEY can help him out if they're so worried about him. That'll shut them up.

Is your son handicapped in anyway? Who are these family? If he is able, tell him to get a job that can support his way of living, and tell the family if they are worried about him, they can take up an offering plate, and they can donate the money to him! At 36, your son should be on his own, and the family should butt out, or better yet, financially on a constant basis help him out! P. S. It really is none of their business. It's up to you to decide if helping him is good for him and for you.

I commend you. your son is 36 years old he shouldn't have to rely on his mother to support him anymore. I can understand helping once in a while but that is different then enabling your grown child.
S.

He is 36! Tell them he is a grown man and needs to accept his own responsabilities.

I think its great that you've made the decission to let him handle his finances himself. At 36 it's time to grow up.

As to what to say a few things come to mind...

Explain to them why you won't lend him money or tell them that's a personal matter you don't wish to discuss.

"I have my own financial obligations and don't have any extra cash right now."

"I'm still waiting for him to pay me back from the last loan I gave him. After he pays me back, I'll consider loaning him additional funds"

"If you're so concerned why don't you offer to give him some money?"

When it is their son, they can decide: ) But, I would say, they might try to make you feel guilt, but guilt comes from within. Questioning and reevaluating is not guilt. Its healthy and ensures how we are responding to a situation is appropriate.

Best to you and way to set boundaries,
Jen

Are you SERIOUS??? You have got to be kidding!!! He needs to get a job!!! Tell him to go to to In-N-Out !! It's a great place to work and he will be fed as well! He needs to get a job! You were only responsible until he turned 18 years of age (adult)!! I know he is your son; but come on! ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'd tell them that the most important lessons in life are learned the hardest ways.

Finances are obviously a struggle for many people - our housing market wouldn't be in crisis, there wouldn't be as many bankruptcies and foreclosures as there are.

My parents often help one of my sisters financially because she just can't seem to reign in her spending. She's 5 years older than me, has a 16, 13 and 10 year old and probably has no money saved for their college. At some point, my parents need to stop helping her to start teaching her how to be responsible.

The only way I could justify it personally is if it had a dramatic impact upon children. Otherwise, I'd make the hard choice to cut the purse string (to ultimately help him in the long-run).

Good luck.

You sound like a very supportive Mom, but at 36, it is time that your son step up to the plate. Don't feel bad or guilty, you should stop taking on his responsibilities and paying his bills. If you continue, you may end up in the "poor house" and who will look out for you? You are doing the right thing even if it doesn't feel like it.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this with your son. What he did when you called was just down right disrespectful! You have to make the difficult decision to walk away.

I will pray for your strength it doing what you need to do.

First off, good for you for standing your ground! You should not feel guilty because you offered to let him move in and he refused your help.
I have witnessed my sister, who is almost 37, beg to borrow money from my father over 15 years. My father always "loaned" her the money and he never got a dime back. This has caused many issues for my stepmother and me because she abuses his generosity. It also has not helped her to learn how to be responsible with her money.
Your family should be respectful of your stand on this and if the continue to question your decision tell them they should mind their business or they can help him out.

good for you! I know how hard that must be, it must be heartbreaking when of course you love your son and I bet you are torn bc you want to see him do well and you want to help him....but you dont want to enable him so I think what you are doing takes a lot of courage. my MIL has her daughter (31) living w/ her, her husband and her daughter (8) from another man living w/ her and she is not only supporting all of them (bc they dont work...well they do sometimes but they always seam to loose their job) but she is raising their daughter. They go out all the time, dont even tell her where they are going, and she is left to find a babysitter for their daughter if she wants to go out! Ugg I can go on for days.......I think that you are doing the right thing, I am sure you have offered help/support before just to find out that he does not appreciate it or he misuese your help. You need to remember that you are doing that for his own good and trust in your self. I am sorry that your family makes you feel badly but ultimatly it is your own decision and you can just tell them that. you can tell them that w/ no additional information he is your son and you are doing what you feel is right for him no explanation necessary you can tell them that is that and you dont want to talk about it, you can also tell them that they are more than welcome to enable him but you choose to let him live and grow and become a responsbale adult himself. I knwo this might sound harsh, but if they are making you feel badly you dont need to justify your self. good luck, and keep strong.

You son is a grown man. He needs to take care of himself. This is really nobody else's business. I suggest the following:

Nosy Family Member: "Your son has no job. He needs to (pay rent, buy food, buy video games.) Why don't you give him some money?"

You: "That doesn't work for me, I am tapped out. How about those 49ers?"

Nosy Family Member: "But he's your son. He's family! How can you let him starve and go without video games? Why don't you give him some money?"

You: "This isn't up for discussion with anyone but Son. Nice weather we're having"

Then repeat as necessary. I would walk away from the conversation or end the call if they continue to push.

By the way, this is a huge beef for me. I feel parents owe their children support until they are grown. In my mind this includes supporting them through college if I can afford it, if they are getting decent grades, and if they are going to graduate in a reasonable time frame. Then after that, the children are adults and need to support themselves. If someone is normally hardworking and just down on their luck, I can see doing what you can to help them out, as long as you don't risk your own financial future. But for someone who just doesn't want to work, not a chance would I help them out.

you can tell your family to mind their own business.....