My "Sensitive" 3 Year Old "Actress"

Updated on October 03, 2010
K.U. asks from Detroit, MI
10 answers

I have a 3-year-old daughter and most of the time when I talk to her, I am cheerful, I am polite, I am gentle, I am sensitive to her feelings. However, there are times of course when I have to be more firm and speak in a way that lets her know I am serious and I mean business. This is especially true when I have said no to something but she keeps asking over and over. Then I have to sound "not so nice" - "I already said no! Don't ask me again!" Or when she is misbehaving and not listening when I tell her to stop - "Either you stop throwing those toys around, or they get taken away!" I probably sound a tad irritated too because well, I am. She essentially is engaging in typical 3-year-old behavior and I am not yelling or screaming, but I am trying to speak in such a way that makes it clear to her that she needs to listen and take me seriously. Recently she has started "acting sad" when I have to reprimand her - the lower lip sticks out in a pout and she stomps off where she doesn't want to look at me. Once after she kept acting up at bedtime, she asked for Daddy to come up stairs so she could give him kisses and hugs goodnight again, then proceeded to tell him that "Mommy got mad at me!" Sometimes when we are getting ready for bedtime, she has said to me beforehand, "Mommy you not get mad at me!" and "I'm sorry Mommy - you not get upset!"

So is she being a bit of a drama queen or what? I posted on here once about her dragging out the bedtime routine and realizing how much she was trying to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. Is this just more of the same? I've already tried to tell her that I am not mad, I just need her to listen to me and sometimes I have to use a different tone of voice when she does not listen the first time. Any other ideas about how I can handle this?

P.S. To those who were wondering - she's usually just fine in public, except for when she is tired or hungry, or when she is having fun but it's time to go (i.e. McDonald's Playland with friends). It's usually her being goofy and silly or whiny and I just can't have it keep going on anymore and I have to tell her enough is enough. And her dad is great at backing me up - as in, "Well, you need to listen to Mommy!"

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for your suggestions - today already there's been a couple of times that I've had to ask her if she wants me to use the angry voice and that was enough to get her to cooperate. I also praise her for cooperating right off the bat. I've found that it definitely helps to give her a "heads up" and let her know right away what to expect. And it helps when I get down on her level and look her straight in the eye and talk to her face to face. And when I sometimes ask her questions back. Keep in mind that I don't like getting to the point where I am crabby and that's why I posted the above - I am trying to be proactive. I have also been considering the possibility that she is gifted and recognizing that what might work with the "average" 3-year-old does not always apply to her. Thanks again!

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J.L.

answers from Detroit on

Am shocked at how rude some of these comments are, especially in regards to a child that may have sensory/gifted issues. The Abilities Center in Commerce Twp. can assess her for these issues as they did for my son. I would never lower myself to make my child feel "less of a person" just because he/she is bothering me.
Good luck and please let me know if you would like a personal contact and if you believe she is gifted, you can do a personal assessment online.

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M.A.

answers from Houston on

Good Luck to you and your family!!!

:)

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

I suggest that she is reacting to your stressed and/or frustrated tone of voice. It's OK to allow your feelings to show. However, I suggest that you can take the sting out of what you say be being more positive in your use of words. Words can be angry all by themselves.

Using your examples. The first one when you say "don't ask me again" you could say instead, "if you ask me again, I'm not going to answer." Say this before you get frustrated. In regards to throwing the toys I suggest you say, you have a choice. If you choose to throw the toys, I will take them away. Talk to her ahead of time, when life is calm, about her having choices. This gives her some of the power while when you make a threat she feels that she has no power.

I also suggest being up front with her and instead of using an upset tone of voice which requires that she figure out how you're feeling, tell her outright, I'm getting upset with you. You've chosen to throw toys. I'm putting them up for the day. Something like that.

When you want her to listen and she's not listening, stop what she's doing by touching her shoulder or squatting in front of her and look her in the eyes and tell her what you want. Again, do this before you're "on edge."

I suggest reading the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish entitled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk. The authors give lots of examples of ways to word things so that the child is better able to hear and understand.

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S.F.

answers from Reno on

There's nothing wrong with using your "mad" voice. As I've told my 12 and 16 year old sons their entire lives, if you don't want mom mad, do what she asks when she asks nicely. Sometimes asking nicely doesn't get what you want and it's time to be grumpy. Fact of life, even for 3 year olds. Perhaps, especially for three year olds. Maybe when she hits "strike 2," you could say, "Do you like hearing mommy's mad voice? No? Well, the next time you [fill in the blank], you're going to hear it!"

As for the "Mommy got mad at me" trip with your husband, I should hope his first question to your daughter is, "What did YOU do that made mommy mad?" By asking this question, he does not allow her to wriggle out of responsibility for her actions. Plus, it shows solidarity so she learns she can't play one of you against the other. My husband and I have done this for years and, if we have concerns about the other's actions, it's always discussed in private.

Pouting is a manipulation tool. In my house, it's a fast track to time in your room. No one in the family is allowed to let their pouty face ruin the good humor of the family. (This goes for mom and dad, too, by the way.) My 12 year old is a master pouter and, now that he's older, I can smile brightly at him and tell him to practice for his "Best Actor" Academy Award in his room. That usually gets a laugh and breaks the pouty mood. But, if it doesn't, he stomps off to a good sulk in his room. Usually he's gone for 15 minutes. Once it was all day. But, when he emerged, he was fine...and the rest of the family wasn't burdened by his foul temper.

Good luck!

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R.Y.

answers from New York on

I get this kind of thing to a much lesser degree from my 4 year old son. I have explained to him if he wants mommy to be nice and not yell (I am kind of a yeller) then he needs to listen and cooperate with me. It doesn't always work but some of the time it helps. I'd say ignore the drama if it seems manipulative. But also make sure she knows you are not still mad at her at the end of bedtime. It's okay to fake it occasionally. Kids sometimes don't get that you still love them even when you get mad.

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S.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

You have a very smart little girl.
Congratulations!
Maybe she is frightened by your other tone of voice.
Maybe she has not yet understood when you "mean business"
__why__ she needs to do what you tell her to do.

I wonder if you can have a "big girl" conversation with her,
during a non-stressful time, in which you explain to her
why you want her to obey you, and, especially,
why you want her NOT to keep asking for something
after you have told her "no".

Good luck!

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R.M.

answers from Topeka on

My grandson scores a 100% on the "sensitivity scale"...he has from the day he was born!!! But my daughter and her husband have chosen to look at this as a positive and are finding ways to parent that are "sensitive to his sensitivity". One of the books that I know that they have incorporated a LOT of techniques from is "Playful Parenting"...and I see it work a hundred times a day when I am around them.
Now before someone tells you that you can't tease them out of every bad mood or bad decision that they have made...my daughter also uses every teachable moment in the day to talk with my grandson about making good choices and being considerate of others' feelings etc.
We just had our first extended time of having TWO grandsons in the house at the same time. My oldest Grandson (K) who is almost 3....was just a teeny bit jealous and there was some acting out. He was not used to the attention being divided between himself and anyone else!!! My daughter did a lot of talking to him about "R" (My 8 month old grandson" is not big enough to understand...he isn't trying to be selfish...you can teach him how to share!!!" etc.
So...try not to over react to your daughters "drama" some of it may be extended because of the reaction she is getting from you when it happens. Also remember that it isn't "drama" to her...this is how she is really feeling at the moment...and you need to honor that and acknowledge that. Choose quiet, non-confrontational times to discuss this with her,in a calm, loving tone of voice....it will get a lot better results for you!!
Good luck and enjoy your little drama queen!!! (Can she go from "tears" to laughter in one sentence like my grandson can?? That ALWAYS just cracks me up!!! lol)

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

I would guess that your daughter isn't just "acting" sad when you've used your "not so nice" voice; she is sad. If an adult spoke to you that way, both in tone and content, you'd almost certainly have feelings about that – probably a mix of sad, dismayed, anxious, disappointed and/or angry. (Especially if the adult was someone you are dependent upon.) Kids are no different. Adults can sometimes hold all those feelings inside, but kids can't.

And all behavior can be seen as a means to get a need met, so the trembling lip is also that. But she probably doesn't set out to manipulate you, as in "I think I'll bug Mommy until she yells at me so that I can act sad and maybe get what I want (or so that I can have a melt-down, because it's so much fun to cry)." That would be manipulation. What is happening is probably much more spontaneous, i.e., arising directly from the dynamic.

I've discovered I dont "have to reprimand" a child when the dynamic is understood and handled proactively. My grandson, too, will ask and wheedle for what he wants. If I take him to a bookstore, for example, I know he'll want to head for the kids section where they also offer great kids' books, wind-up toys and stuffed animals. This is consumer heaven for a small child, who does not yet understand the concept of earning and budgeting.

So I decide ahead of time what will or will not be purchased, and I make it clear. I will also lead his thoughts well past the bookstore experience, to a desirable next activity. If he starts begging for a toy, I just calmly remind him that we're not there for a toy, but a book I had to pick up, and we are going directly to our next attractive stop. If he asks again, I will either ask him to repeat what the original terms are, or say, "Every time you ask, my answer will still be no. So, are you going to keep asking?"

There was a day when my grandboy was tired, had recently been spoiled by an uncle with no limits, and was terribly disappointed that he wasn't getting what he wanted, and started stomping and throwing things. I stopped everything, crouched down and held him, and said, "You are so disappointed. I know you want _____ very much. I would want it, too. In fact, I would want three of them. I understand. And I can't give you ______ because I need us to do ______ instead."

This was a technique I had just learned from the great little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. And it completely changed my grandson's 3yo behavior. He realized I really did hear his wish, and wanted to give it to him, but could not. At which point, his whole demeanor changed. He was still disappointed, but willing to move forward with the next activity.

Since that surprising day, I have learned and used many of the wonderful techniques in that practical book, and my grandson is remarkably cooperative, even mature in the way he is learning to handle all sorts of potentially difficult situations.

I've also recommended How to Talk to a number of young families, who have been just as impressed as I was, in some cases with extremely difficult children with some rather scary behaviors.

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K.O.

answers from Columbus on

As I was reading this, I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit. I see my 21 month old daughter in this so well. We are visiting my mom and she was introduced to the lip quiver my daughter has been trying out lately. She HATES to be told no. Sigh. I agree with the others that we have intelligent children. Now, we have to be smarter than they are. It sounds like you are doing great, in my opinion. You recognize the motives behind the actions and react accordingly. You seem to also have a really good parenting relationship with the dad as well. They do go through phases, or so I am told. Who knows, maybe your little one will end up getting a Grammy or an Oscar in the future. :-)

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C.M.

answers from Detroit on

3 year-olds are famous for their acting abilities. Keep doing what you are doing...fair but firm...CONSISTENT RESPOSNES will serve you well. It's been my experience that little ones who display proper behavior outside home and with other people than yourself know what is expected...she is "yanking your chain". Unacceptable behavior is usually saved for YOU! No worries!

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