My husband is a very nice,giving,helpful man. He does have a very short fuse though. I try to talk to him and he gets fired up and defensive toward things pretty quick. At first he told me this was coming from how his ex treated him. 10 years later I feel it is getting harder to deal with. I make a comment about anything and he rants and raves then says I started it. It's always my fault that he gets worked up. I feel trapped. I don't think it's right to always get the blame when I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I love him to death but lately I've been feeling really bothered by this. He keeps saying it's my fault. I will wake up happy and within 30 mins there's an argument. I try to not talk but then I'm being crabby. He is not bi polar or abusive. How do I talk to a person like this without them getting defensive and angry? He has a very stressful job and it is always the majority of his conversation. I try to tell him to not think about it and relax but he can't. He is also worried about a family member who is sick (we think depression) and feels it's his obligation to help handle that as well. The family member was offered meds but won't take them. I wrote about this yesterday. I don't know what to do to get him to relax. Any help is appreciated.
Can you go to see a counselor? He or she may give you some help in how to deal with him.
So sorry.
Dawn
You do realize, this is not normal?
He needs help. He needs to speak with his doctor, I also suggest a counselor. Could b a few things, that they can help him with.
Marriage counseling would give you some tools too.
If he will not go, you go on your own, so that at least you will have a professional on your side to guide you, and help you know , you are not losing your mind.
My father used to be like this. It was not until his 50's and he was pretty much alone that he realized, he was the only person behaving like this. Went to counseling, it really did change his life
My husband could go from 0-60 in one second flat when we first got together (11yrs ago). He worked really hard to change when I made it clear I wouldn't live with someone who behaved this way. Over the past six months he has had three kidney surgeries and had to wear a stint inside for four months. Since he is recovered he has had a REALLY hard time controlling his emotions. Little things fire him up. Put that together with a job promotion which included moving six hours away and you have a recipe for disaster. Soooo, I understand.
What I did when he had an outburst three weeks ago was tell him, after he calmed down, that our daughter and I will not live this way. He can get help, or he can choose to be miserable by himself. Bless that man, he was at the doctor the next day and met with a counselor the following week.
Give him a chance, but draw a line in the sand. You don't have to live this way, you and he both deserve better. He is a grown man who needs to take responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
A "very nice man" does NOT put the blame for everything on his wife or make her PAY for the last significant others treatment of him. From what you have told us, I think you could be having depression too.
After 10 years if you are unable to talk with your man without having the tables turned on you, there are some serious decisions to be made:
1. He needs some counselling/anger management
2. You both need marriage counselling
3. Rather then putting the "family members" problem first, he needs to put his marriage and immediate family first.
4. If you are constantly walking on egg shells and he is unwilling to meet you half way, it may be time to walk away.
It may sound like a strange advise but I believe in the old wisdom: "You cannot change the world, you can only change yourself." Of course, you can try getting your husband to see therapists but you will be making a very loud statement "You have the power over me and I need for you to do something to make me feel better". And that is not true. YOU and only YOU have the power to feel or to do whatever you want. I noticed that after I started taking care of myself and thinking what is important or not important to me - my husband's or anyone's moods started affecting me less and less. I am having a good day, like you said, I wake up happy, oh, your breakfast got cold because you think I should read your mind and warm it up exactly to the perfect temperature the minute you emerge from your shower wrapped in your royal robe? Go ahead rant about how no one in this house cares, and how you work hard while I do who knows what, and how poor you cannot even get a warm breakfast in this house, do I pick up a fight, do I care? I did what I thought is good and just - I made you breakfast, I am not about to question myself or run around to please you, or even let my emotions be stirred by your outburst, I sing inside my head, getting my sneakers on and getting ready for my morning jog. If the cold breakfast is such a problem, pop it in the microwave (that is just my brief thought) but out loud, I say "Darling, have a nice day," completely ignoring this over inflated problem of his, and I walk out of the door leaving a bewildered husband to deal with his cold breakfast. Sorry, not my problem, I made him a breakfast because I felt that this would be a gesture of love towards my husband out of my own good will and out of the goodness of my heart, he is not happy about something - what does that has to do with me???
Just because your husband says "It is your fault" doesn't mean you have to believe that. Try mentally put a barrier and think "Whatever", "Yada-yada-yada". When your husband starts a fight or becomes angry - make yourself unavailable, emotionally at least, if you can physically. Walk away, on the phone, you can say "Sorry, I gotta go, gotta take care of something", etc. without responding to him in confrontational way or loosing your cool. Sometimes I just listen to the rant without a word of response and then ask some question not related to anything he just said, like "So, do you prefer chicken or pork for lunch tomorrow?". I like his stupefied expression "Did you just hear WHAT I SAID?" "Yes, but I do not know what to say to that, so I'll think about it and in the mean time I'd like to know about your lunch preference". What is my message here? I've got my stuff to worry about, you got yours, and do not make me worry or be responsible for your stuff. It will help you tremendously if you develop thick skin, and it will send your husband a message that you are not afraid of him, not dependent on his judgment, and cannot be manipulated by him or his mood swings. Remember, the harder you will try to please people the more they will feel entitled to use you. Good luck. You will be surprised how quickly people learn you have boundaries :)
One of the best things my husband and I did years ago for our marriage was to get a hot tub. All troubles seem to melt away when you are so physically relaxed sitting under the stars. We also are able to talk without all the distractions of a modern technology. My husband and I feel like we are on vacation every night we get into the hot tub, all in our back yard.
I do not think this will solve your husband's quick temper. He needs professional help to address his anger IMO.
Angie, this might be "your normal." BUT it's not normal. He should see a Dr. It sounds like HE might be dealing with depression or anxiety issues. He should see a counselor, you both should. Together and separate. Your marriage is not healthy. The way he is living is not healthy. The way you're accepting life, AND being forced to live, is not healthy. When people are sick, they get help. Your life is sick, you need help. Best of luck to you.
I don't have many recomendations about how to handle anger, but what I would suggest is that he checks his blood presure; some people that suffer from high blood presure tend to get upset really easily. If that is at least contributing to the problem, getting him some medication for it will help to solve the problem. Just a thought.
Best of luck to you!
Wow, you could be living my life! I don't know if your husband is abusive or bipolar, none of us do and none of us should accuse him of anything. I think some might be looking out for you and making sure you are open to the possibility if that were the case. And I hope you would be, but for now I'll go by your assertion that he is not abusive.
For my hubby, he is getting more of a short fuse as he gets older and feels more responsibility in his job and for providing for us, etc. And from my end, I think I gradually let him 'slide' into this. Not saying it is my fault at all, just stay with me. It started out that if he had a bad day and blew up at whatever, I didn't want to make his day worse by adding to his stress and telling him he was acting like a jerk. So he learned that it was ok to let off steam in this way. It just gradually got like that.
But lately I've realized, I don't deserve this, and I don't like walking on eggshells and I won't set this example for my daughter. So, during a non-stressed time, I let him know that I understand his stress and I want to support him and help. But I will not be spoken to so harshly. Period. And next time he does it, I will be pointing to do the door so he can step out and cool off before talking to me again. And you know what? I did have to do that! And he apologized! So things are better, not perfect. Unfortunately, we had a pattern going and it's hard to break.
I would suggest talking to him when he's not stressed, to let him know where you stand. Then see what to do from there. Now, I do not mean to say I deserved any of this because I let him talk to me harshly. I am simply saying I allowed it and so of course it continued. I came to the realization that I didn't like it and did something about it. I hope you can to. And if you do assert yourself and nothing changes or gets worse, well, you may have a different situation on your hands and need to go to plan B. (and post again for advice!!).
Good luck to you. Make sure to take care of yourself while supporting him in his struggles.
Think of stress-relieving honey do projects. These are things that don't HAVE to be done at a certain time (so no nagging involved), but are things that he can do to help relieve the stress.
- mowing the lawn
- digging holes to China
- going on family walks. no one talks. just walks.
- going swimming in the evening
- painting a fence.
I went through this recently with my husband. Sent him to the doctor. Turns out he has high blood pressure! Now, three weeks later his new meds are working and he is a different man.
Offer him compliments and praise instead of pointing out things he does or does not do. That only fuels the fire. You add to the stress that way. In essense you are telling him (innocently in your mind, but not in his) that he cannot get anything right. So to help him relax reverse what you do by saying "Dear, I think you did a good job in handling that family member"..."I think you wish them well, but you can't change them", I know this bothers you but try not to think about it", "When you get a chance, please take out the garbage - versus "You still did not take out the garbage"...Ask for what you want in a nice way that doesn't come across as threatening to his ego. Hope that helps.
My husband works very long hours and has a very stressful job. He used to ride his motorcycle, which seemed to be a quick fix with no gratification. Now he plays hockey on an old man team. He skates with our daughter and helps her with her skill and is enjoying himself. I am not sure if he is getting older and more mellow or if the hockey is keeping him too busy to fuss, but he sure is nicer.
Maybe he needs a different job. Also, it might be better for him to talk about his feelings before he blows up, than to try not to think about it.
