My Niece ~ HELP!!

OOOh, somebody...you maybe....NEED to talk some sense into that girl!! If she wasn't like this before than someone needs to make her see how different she is and the dude NEEDS to go!! I've dealt with those kind more than once (no job, spending money on stuff they don't need or that could wait). I've got depression and possible bipolar as well and I'm sooo much better off with a jobless bum draggin me down! There's other fish in the sea, she deserves better!

This sounds like a problem that needs to be taken outside the family. Seek out some professional help from a counseling service or state agency. Your family sounds like it does not have its own resources to deal with another family's dysfunction. Intervene with help from others who are outside of the situation/family.

Best of luck to you all. I will keep your family in my thoughts!

hi It's time for your neice to lay down the law , about getting a job and cleaning up ,or she should get rid of him he is messin up her life . gettin her to do things she dont normally do . Chris N

I hate to say it but I think the biggest problem is that you are all enableing them. Let them fall flat on their faces and then maybe she'll get a clue and leave him. The more you help them out the longer it's going to go on.
And honestly, the more you nag someone about their lives, the harder they stick with it to prove you wrong.
My previous marriage was terrible. My parents and everyone told me how wrong we were and how much of a loser he was. I didn't want them to be right so I stuck with it and thought "I'll show them, we can do it". Well, we finally moved away and I finally got the picture. It didn't need to take that long though and if people would have just left us alone I would've left a lot sooner than I did.
Let it be and concentrate on your own life. Stress does terrible things to your body and you really need to let them worry about themselves.
Best Wishes,
J.

First and foremost find out if there are real Mental Health or Drug and Alcohol Issuse. Check into local social work agencies and options to investigate. If they are unwilling to be evaluated or get help with that..you may want to plan a family intervention. Getting a group of loved ones together to discuss conerns can be a powerful thing. If that doesn't work you may be out of luck until they break the law or do something that brings in other community resources. Giving them money will only enable them. You might need to let your family know that will not help them in the long run. They may end up homeless or in a shelter. This will hopefully get them to a point of realizing they have a problem. It is hard to watch loved ones make bad choices but seeing that you live out of state give support to your sister who probably needs someone to talk to ect. The sad fact is we cannot control others...just ourselves. If your family is unwilling to stop giving them money and they refuse counseling ect..you may just have to let go. God bless and Good luck.

I agree. Let it go. She has to make her own mistakes and hopefully she will learn from them but until then she probably thinks nobody else knows what they are talking about. I know is hard to sit back and watch but she wants to live her own life. Let her come to you when she relizes what she is doing.

Hi C.! Listen to all the advice you're getting, and try to get your family to follow along: Tough Love. It's hard, but it's the only way she'll learn. Good luck!

I agree to let it go. It sounds like it maybe something worse than unemployment going on. The lack of upkeep and the 'mentally unstable' angle point to drugs/and-or/alcohol problems on top of unmanaged mental issues. If you need to answer your own questions, visit. But DON*T enable. No money. If she is unhappy in the relationship, but is fearful, give her an escape route, but make it clear that it is a one time only offer. If she goes with you, get her to a doctor(psych)and some counseling. If she goes back to him, that's it. It's tough love, but it's the best for her, even if she can't see that at the moment. If she can't be told, she needs to find out for herself.

Since your niece has a history of mental illness, this is not just a case of tough love. Mental illness is an illness, not a personality problem. My guess is that your niece is off her medications which is not uncommon with people with bipolar, ect.

Unfortunately, when the government deinstitutionalized decades ago, they went too far. It is very difficult to get someone mental health treatment if they are not willing. Most states require that they be a danger to themselves or to others. The problem with that is…if your niece was diagnosed with cancer she would be able to process that she was sick and needed to take certain medication/treatments to get better. However, with mental illness people can not process the fact they are sick and need help.

I have a few words of advice. First, tell her parents to talk to the local department of health and human services. They may be able to step in if the house is unfit. Also depending on the standards in your State they maybe able to help them get her treatment. Regardless, many have ideas and things they can do to help short of involuntary commitment.

Second, they need to stop enabling the behavior. While I said before tough love is not the answer. By intervening they may be preventing her to get to the point where government can intervene and try to get her help.

Thirdly, her family should try to seek out support in an organization like NAMI. Mental illness is very misunderstood. People don’t talk about it—so they are often isolated and have no one to talk to. Friends do not understand what is happening, ect. A group of NAMI they can sit down and talk to people who really understand what it is like to have a loved one suffering from a mental illness.

Here's my opinion - take it or leave it as you wish. 1) This girl is being taken advantage of by this guy. Any guy that is going to sit around filth like that and not bother to work or try to find a job is looking ot be taken care of and probably be very controlling of her. 2) This couple is continuing to live this way because others are doing the things they don't feel like doing. Family is willing to give them money so why should they work. Family is willing to come over and clean their place so why should they clean it. This works for them which is why they will continue doing it. 3) Given her medical history, she's probably on medications that will alter her perception of reality. She may not even realize what all this guy is doing to her. 4) The way to make them stop is to let them fall. If she's old enough to be living on her own and be getting married, she's old enough to learn to take some responsibility for her life and living arrangements. As much as it hurts to see her living and being treated this way, sometimes that's the best way for her to learn and make lasting changes. You can want better for her but if she doesn't want that, it won't make a difference. It's really hard to watch someone we love live a very unhealthy choice but the bottom line is that it's her life and she is the one responsible for her choices. Family can offer for her to live with them as long as she is attending school and/or working full time and paying rent. This could help give her distance from this guy and maybe get straightened out a bit. But, it's up to her. I hope it works out!!!!!

C.,

Pray for your niece and let it go. It sounds like the family is enabling her and she won't learn until life gives her a lesson. The only way is to back off and let her deal with the consequences. This is the hardest thing to do, but it does work.

Hi C. -- You have enough on your plate without getting into your niece's life. She and finance both sound seriously mentally ill and in need of intervention (not intervention like one sees on the TV show, but intervention by the Board of Health, the ASPCA, etc.) It really sounds as if the best thing the family can do is stop enabling these kids to squeak by. Let them hit bottom. That's the only thing that'll leave them with no place to go but up. Or they may choose to remain on the bottom. It's not your responsibility.

Your job is to take care of your own life and to help your child learn to take care of himself. Sounds like you need all your resources for that. Good Luck.

Sounds like a really sticky situation. It's never easy to watch someone you love make choices that are not good for them and potentially harmful. We have also been dealing with something that is similar but not as extreme as what you seem to be going through. Fortunately the person we were concerned about finally got out of the relationship. The only thing I can say is that your niece has to make up her own mind. It will never work to forbid her or just tell her what she is doing is wrong all the time. What we did is that we as a family raised our concerns with her let her know that we will support her but will not enable her (continue to give her money or bail her out whenever she messes up) but will be there for her if she needs to talk to just to get out sometime. Eventually hopefully she will smarten up and see what needs to be done..

We were fighting with her in the begining trying to get her to leave her boyfriend/fiancé but the more we tried to convince to leave him the harder she held on. Finally we stopped saying how much we disapproved of him and how he was treating her, just supported her emotionally not financially she saw him for his true colors and about 6 months after we left things alone she left him. I'm so grateful.

I hope you and your family can figure out how to handle this and hopefully your niece will smarten up someday. goodluck.