My Nearly 4 Year Old Refuses to Be Potty Trained

the fact that you have given in to her bad behavior in the past by going back to diapers means things may very well get worse before they get better. You have to be firm and consistent. I remember the first day my son was in undies he had so many accidents and was begging for his pull up, but I said no and stayed firm and by the third day he had it down.

I'm going to be the answer that's going to make everyone look like I have snakes in my hair...but here it is anyway.
All 3 of my kids were late to potty train. Didn't matter what the heck we did or didn't do, what we promised, what bribes we offered. My first was around 5 and a half. My second was just a couple months shy of 5 and my third turned 5 in June and is still in diapers.
Today we just had the yearly check up for the youngest. The doctor was quite aware of the diapers as she was aware last year around this same time.
The office asked her to give a urine sample. The doctor and the nurse saw for themselves exactly how she reacted. Want to know what they told me....OK..it's not a problem. She'll get it when she's ready. And that was the end of it. No panicking, telling us we needed specialists or counselors or anything else. That she has tried at all was what they wanted to hear. Last year the doctor said flat out that you can't make them if they are not ready, both mentally and physically.
Yes, it sucks to still be changing diapers. But it is what it is.
In my case she's warming up to the idea a lot recently. We found a Frozen book that has stickers you put on the pages and bought it for her at her request. She gets to put a sticker on each time she tries or goes. There is no consistency but she's trying.
You're going to get so much advice to push, to punish, to force. You're going to get those that are going to go off on you for "how gross" and to "parent up". Personally, I'm listening to my children's doctor, that's been my children's doctor since my first child was only a day old. It'll happen. Do your best to make it as positive as possible. It'll happen. How many college students do you know that still wear diapers? This is not outside of what is developmentally considered still normal, even if it's at the higher end of normal.
I have 2 of 3 to show that it does eventually happen. When they finally decided it was time it was quick and painless and complete. Day and night at the same time.

Geez! How do you know she wants to stay a little girl and not be potty trained? I feel so sad for her. You are describing a way of training that just does not work. A parent needs to be compassionate and non-judgemental when potty training. Never punish. You can reward success to encourage more success. Punishment only discourages a child because they will have accidents.

If you haven't taken her to the pediatrician for an evaluation that is the next step. There may be a physical reason for this. However, I suggest the reason is likely emotional combined with a possible physical reason.

Your description suggests to me that you are engaged in a power struggle. You are upset with her lack of consistency and are focused on making her do it right. She can't do it to your standards. She had an accident or two and you were upset with her. You continue to push. Not saying anything to her for a month feels like punishment.

I urge you to start over in a kind and loving way. Sympathize every time she pees or poops in her pull ups. Leave her in pullnups until she decides she's ready for panties. Give her control over when she will be able to use the potty. Guide her by taking her to the bathroom at regular intervals. Make going a fun thing to do. Praise her when she suceeds. No need for physical rewards since you used them before and they're now associated with an unpleasant time. Focus on letting her know that you approve of her and love her even when she is unable to get to the toilet on time. Tell her you know she can eventually do it.

know that it will take both of you time to get comfortable with this new and positive focus. She will probably still resist until she can trust that you're not unhappy with her.

I urge you to take her to the pediatrician so that you can know whether or not there is a medical reason for this. At this point she does need help with the constipation. She can't just stop being constipated just like she didn't decide to make herself constipated. She has no control over her bowels.

Parenting takes a great deal of patience and compassion. You can do this once you understand your daughter's needs and know potty training is more about helping your daughter to recognize the signs that indicate her need to use the toilet and much less than making sure she does it right. A parent cannot actually train a child to use the potty. They guide the child in learning to use it. Just like with anything we learn new it takes time for the new thing to come naturally.

You didn't say when you started training but you said she was successful for 3 days. Do you mean only for 3 days? If so, know that it takes many children weeks before they stop having accidents and a few children aren't able to stay dry until they are 5 or 6. Are you sure her body is mature enough to be trained?

Please don't offer bribes like a new doll somewhere down the road or, heaven forbid, a trip to Disney off in some magical future as someone did. A child her age simply cannot deal with waiting for some huge reward far off in the future -- it feels like it's going to be a million years away and is really not an incentive at all. She is not mature enough to understand that actions now and tomorrow will bring a reward days or weeks or months away. Same with the doll promise - too far away. She gets a much more immediate "reward" every time you fuss at her for not using the potty -- she gets your attention.

We didn't do rewards for potty training at all, large and far away or small. I don't like the idea of teaching kids to associate things with food rewards or candy, in particular.

Others have already nailed the fact that this is a power struggle between you. The fact she's laughing as she cleans up her poop means she sees it as a game that's fun -- she got mommy's goat! Are you familiar with the idea of "negative attention"? That means that even negative responses are welcome to the child because it's ALL attention -- negative (mommy fusses and fumes) or positive (mommy praises and is happy with me). Your daughter is getting great negative attention for her behaviors, and believe it or not, she enjoys even the negative attention, so stop reacting at all.

I also wonder -- you say she knows when she needs to go, but how are you certain? And when you say "she won't use the potty because it is too hard and she wants to be a little girl" -- are those her actual words, or your interpretation of her behavior?

I would stop, cold turkey. Go back to diapers but ensure that diaper changes are utterly boring -- no sweet chat with her, no toys in her hand to distract her, no TV or music playing -- short, boring, no warmed-up wipes.

She is not ready to train yet because she sees no reason to. There's too much fun in refusal right now.

I agree with Katrina. Your daughter is not ready. It could be physical but it's most likely just developmental, although now it has become emotional. She's not ready. If she told you she wants to be a little girl, that's a big cue. If you're just surmising it, you may be right.

Look at all the things she has already done early. The potty is late on her list. Lots of other kids use the potty early but are late talkers or late walkers or late to learn the alphabet. I don't even like using the "late" and "early" labels because they imply a judgment, which I don't intend. She will catch up.

You cannot win this battle. And it is a battle now - a battle of wills, of power. Stop talking about it. Put her back in pull-ups and leave her alone. Put a beach towel or waterproof pad in the car and 2 plastic bags (one for poop and one for dirty clothes, and if you are out someplace, change her without comment (as you did when she was 1 and 2 and 3), and move on with your day. At home, change her. Say nothing - try to keep your dismay under wraps. You did that for a month - but you expected a change in her behavior at the end of the month. That was, apparently, an unrealistic expectation.

Your daughter is not alone. A lot of 4 year olds aren't there yet. I promise you that she will not go to first grade in diapers. If she cannot go to preschool because she isn't trained, then she doesn't go to preschool. It's not the end of the world. You go to the library and you go to museums, you read books and do crafts at home, you develop every other aspect of her intellect and creativity, and you do play dates with others to give her socialization.

You cannot have her pooping in the house any longer. And the constipation is tough - a lot of kids hold their poop because they don't want to use the potty, and it's not healthy.

Let it go. You have to take all the other aspects out of this - the power, the frustration, the discipline, the cleaning, etc. You cannot force this issue. She has full control - all children do - of potty, eating and sleeping. It has to stop being a battle ground. I know you are sick of this - I was too. My son was well past 4 when he was reliable during the day, and he was 12 before he was reliably dry at night. (Yes, we saw a pediatric urologist and actually had him on medication which, by 8, was a huge relief to us all so he could sleep at night.) So I hear you and I feel your pain. Please trust me - in your mind, pretend she is 2. She cannot change this, not now. You have to stop expecting it, and just wait for it.

Unless there is an actual developmental issue, like my son with autism just didn't get the social of it until four and a half, but unless there is something like this you have created a power struggle.

The muscle control and the feeling you have to go develops around 2 but as late as 3, normally, sometimes it is later. So they know when they have to go but without potty training they are actually trained to just pee freely. So between 3 and 4 you are training them to do something whether it is a toilet or a diaper.

Generally social norms will kick in and they learn. In other words you send them to preschool in underwear like everyone else and they pee themselves. The embarrassment of their peers laughing is usually enough to get maybe a diaper is easier but I don't want to be laughed at.

So consult your doctor and find out if there is a physical or mental issue that is causing the delay. If the answer is no, then the diapers, pull ups go away end of discussion. Let peer pressure do the work for you.

I'd just keep having her clean up after herself. She can put soiled underwear and clothes in a basement laundry basket, have her wash up, change to clean clothes. Have her keep putting any poo in the toilet that she leaves in the corner. She can be taught to wipe down floors, and do this too. Have her shake poop out of her underwear into the toilet. If you're out someplace fun like a playground, and she as an accident. Take her home so she can take care of herself. Keep a matter of fact tone. Poop and pee go in the potty. No anger, no lectures, this is not a punishment. Don't give up because she acts like its funny. Don't give her any kind of emotional response. It's a power struggle. I'm sure you were livid when she thought it was so funny. I really think the novelty will wear off, and all of this cleaning up will interrupt her and take time from her activities. Model going to the restroom in public places, take her in with you (telling her because you need to go) especially around other children. But don't coax, ask, or force her to go. Right now it's a power struggle, but pretty soon it will become HER idea to start using the toilet like everyone else.

I think that there is something going on! Have you talked to your pediatrician? You might need to see either an Occupational Therapist (OT) or a child counselor/psychiatrist. At this point, it has gone on for months, and if she isn't able to tell you what is going on, I would suggest professional help. I wish I had a better answer for you, but it sounds like more than a battle of the wills.

On a side note, is it possible that she was touched inappropriately and so she isn't comfortable going "potty"?

Our daughter did everything early, except the potty training! Walked unassisted at 6 months (yes really) spoke in full sentences but 1 year old.. But the potty training! Oy Vey!

She was in daycare but she was not interested. All of the neighborhood girls were easily potty training, but not our daughter.

I noticed she did not like sitting on the toilet with her feet dangling so I placed a step stool there so her feet could rest there.

She could not figure out the sensations. But finally after she was 4 one day at daycare, she noticed so many of her classmates sitting on the little chair potties looking at books. She was intrigued that they would sit there and go potty. So she tried it and it worked for her. She was finally able to identify the sensations, and since she adored books, she really felt like it was not a waste of time!

We never bribe for things , we just followed her lead. Once she caught on to something we went for it. Same with tying her shoes. She did not figure that out until she was in kindergarten and one of her little classmates taught her.

Some children are just on their own schedule. Be careful talking about being a big girl. For some children this is like threat. They like being babies. They get carried, held, pampered, loved on.They do not want to lose that. Being a big girl sounds very scary.

My son was similar to your daughter. He just didn't care if he was wet or dirty. It (still, occasionally) does not phase him in the slightest to have wet underwear. I tried taking pull-ups away, but he couldn't have cared less. What worked for me was to let him use hand sanitizer initially instead of washing his hands (apparently washing hands was sooooo difficult). That combined with the fact that he had to be potty trained to go to preschool is what I think got him used to peeing in the toilet. To get him to go poop in the toilet, I took him to the store and let him pick out a toy. I told him he couldn't have it until he went poo in the toilet and then left it in the bathroom still in the box so he could see it every time he went in there. It took less than a week to work.

Just try to keep your cool. It is so frustrating sometimes but it's not worth getting upset over. She'll get it eventually.

ETA

Since she is able to understand and go if she wants to then she is able to be potty trained. She's chosen to not go. She's knows to go but is choosing to poop and pee where ever she wants.

If it was warm where you lived you could put her out in the backyard commando for a few hours and let her go without the pull ups. No mess and she can still clean it up too.

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This is nothing but a power struggle.

I'd keep the pull ups because cleaning poop off the furniture is gross and nasty.

I'd also swat her hiney each and every time she does this. SHE KNOWS she's being naughty.

She thinks it's funny to clean up poop? SHE'S LAUGHING AT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK...she's thinking "I'm getting away with this!!!!!!!!".

You have to decide what to do of course but I'd be spanking her hiney for this.

She's basically choosing, at this point, to pee and poop and make you clean it and her up. Of course she doesn't care if she's wet or poopy. She will eventually get cleaned up and all the time she's not clean...she's a kid, they like dirty.

A friend of mine just went through this. The incentive was to be potty trained by June 1 and if she did it (100%), they would take her to Disney. (She got to name the incentive) While that is a huge prize, it was worth it to my friends just to have it DONE! You've got to find something she wants BADLY!!!

I would say peer pressure would be another thing in your favor. How does she feel about other kids being trained?? Is she self conscious around other kids knowing they're trained and she's not.

If all else fails, I'd think about a child psychologist to get their perspective. I wish you the best of luck!